Saturday, 22 November 2008
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My Fear of Rejection Drives Me Away from Guys
This is a guest blog submitted by Laura. I'm seventeen years old, and I'm the typical never-been-kissed girl - never had a boyfriend, never really even dated. I think I could get a boyfriend, but every time it seems a guy might like me, I immediately back off, trying to show that I don't like him, because as soon as it seems he could have any interest, I start losing feelings. I'm immensely scared of confessing my feelings because I don't want to be rejected.
I'm only comfortable flirting with people whom I have no romantic interest in; if I like someone, I will not show it at all.
I think it's so sweet when a guy acts romantic, but I start wondering if it's all a facade. I start thinking that all guys only want sex, and that all guys are jerks. I start doubting that anyone could love me, just me, forever.
I don't want my relationship to be anything like my parents' - my father is very emotionally abusive, and I have never, ever seen my parents kiss or even hug.
Basically, I'm confused about the whole relationship thing. I know I don't need a boyfriend, but I think it would be nice to have one. How can I get rid of my fear?
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Comments (69)
As a girl, you hold ALL the cards. Guys fear rejection more often than girls, because girls seem to say no easier. Or something. I've wanted to ask a girl out for two years, but didn't have the guts to do so, and I KNEW she didn't like me.
Now we're "unoffically" dating and she said she's liked me since last year.
PS: Since your dad is abusive, you'll only go after jerks, because that's attractive to you, and they WILL only be the guys who want to sleep with you. You might want to look into therapy before getting serious with someone, because you could very likely end up pregnant and dating an abusive guy.
There are a few good guys out there, and if you're lucky you'll catch one who isn't already taken.
Sorry your dad's like that.
omg..i feel like that too.. i like flirting with people i know i wont end up with...
i am sorry i dun know how to answer ur post but
great post!!!
i am looking for the same answer too....
That Acai berry or whoever stuff. It works wonders for just about everything.
Slightly less serious note, maybe you need to wait for a guy that makes you feel so comfortable that you aren't afraid. That if you had to get hurt, you wouldn't mind it being him. If that makes sense. Get one that'll take it as slow as you need to go and if not, there is always Edward Cullen.i'm the male version of you...i'm scared of rejection too.
but not all guys are about sex...it's the select few that ruin it for all of us.
i really like this girl right now, and if i can be with her without sex...i'll be alright with that because I don't see her as a sex object but a person who i really admire
I wish I knew the answer, because I do the same thing (I can only show interest in someone I am NOT interested in). I noticed the word forever in your description, don't put so much pressure on your self. Most likely, you will not spend forever with the first person you fall for, the first person you date, or the first person you are serious with. That is ok, things are better that way. So maybe, since it is easier for you to flirt or whatever with people you are not all that interested in or don't have strong feelings for, you could try dating some of those people for practice. You don't have to (and probably shouldn't) pretend you have any feelings that you don't, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun and learn to relax. See what it is like going into something without any expectations or desires for a future together and maybe in the future that mindset will help when you do desire a future with someone.
...um perhaps learn more about guys, by getting more guy's friend.
Join some healthy activities that you get to interact more....
....going to volunteer that you see many 'both gender' involve in...and observer how both gender interact, etc.
And it's really totally fine that you are never-been-kiss and never have a bf before....
I can relate to you...i do get scared of rejection, but sometimes i even know the guy likes me quite a lot, but i still get scared that i'd fall so deep and it'll all turn out to be an act...i guess mines more a fear of regret? rather than rejection...
There is no proper answer to your question but i suggest letting loose and giving things a try...if anything, be a more "traditional" person and let the guy act first - then he's the one risking rejection rather than you...although you need to keep in mind that some guys fear rejection just as much as some of us girls do.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - why would you say she'll go for only jerks because her father is abusive? I thought it was - if you like your father/mother (depending on your gender), you'd find someone like them, but if you don't, your significant other will most likely not be anything like them.
growing up I was like this. I was small, awkward, and not very attractive. I had so many male friends, but I was afraid to date anyone or make my intentions known because I feared rejection.
But my friends pushed me into alot of things like going on double dates with them. Awkward, but what I needed. It taught me how to talk to guys in the shelter of my friends.
Eventually I was able to go on dates alone. And have boyfriends. I learned that rejection is a natural part of life. And its better to be rejected by someone then date them and find they're totally wrong for you. That would be along much more pain and suffering.
Just be brave. Be yourself. And remember your friends are always there when you need them. If you're feeling awkward, try a double date first, just to break the ice.
start dating nerds like me. you'll be pleasantly surprised
Don't feel that you're weird for being a "late bloomer." I was one, too-- All of my "firsts" came later for me than for most of my peers. I felt (and to some extent still do) all the hesitation and fear that you do, even as I was telling myself that I SHOULD give a guy a chance and experience all the things that people my age were experiencing. In retrospect, it was always when I forced myself to do something that didn't feel right that I ended up getting hurt.
So it's okay. When you're not ready, you're just not ready. Eventually, you'll find yourself meeting someone with whom you feel safe and comfortable. And things like your first kiss, first time you fall in love, first time you have sex, first time you have a long term relationship, etc., will sort of just fall into place. It's when you act against your gut, when you bend to pressure, that you make decisions that you end up not feeling so good about.
Finally, bear in mind that every relationship you have will fail until you find one that doesn't. So, even if you do open yourself up to someone and it ends up not working out, don't regret having opened yourself up in the first place. So long as you were acting honestly with yourself and with him, you should be able to just embrace the experience for what it was.
Wow, I was you at that age, and honestly for a long time afterward. It
was hard to just flirt even a little with anyone I was remotely
interested in because it made me feel vulnerable and exposed. It took
me awhile to figure out that backing off and ignoring a guy you're
interested in is really counterproductive. But since you said that you
don't need a boyfriend I'm not worried about you. You're a lot better
off than girls who put up with tons of crap because they're too scared
of being alone. You didn't mention this, but how strongly did you feel
in the first place about these guys before they started showing
interest in you? What finally made me open up to someone was that I
couldn't shake those feelings no matter what. Because I didn't lose
interest I figured it was worth going for. It didn't last, but it was
worth it. If you've never had a boyfriend ONLY because of fear despite
having deep feelings, then the only way to get over that is to suck it
up and talk to the boy. But if it's because you haven't felt strongly
enough about anyone to put yourself out there, then I wouldn't worry
much. Keep an eye out and enjoy everything you've got going for
yourself. Sooner or later someone irresistible will come along.
Good luck!
P.S. They're not all jerks!
And even though you're not interested in those guys you flirt with- it's still great practice!
@Jenzies@xanga - If reference to your question to Dare2BDiferentt, when a girl (boys too) grows up around abuse, they are more likely to find an abusive partner or a partner they can abuse because it is what they're familiar with or accustomed to. Oedipal tendencies and comfort in the known/familiar often play a role in relationships regardless of whether or not you liked who your parents were.
To the OP - not all guys out there are only interested in or looking for sex. There are many that are sweet and genuine without sexual intentions, just as there are many sweet and genuine men that will have sexual intentions in addition to wanting a relationship.
Hon, you're 17. There's no reason to be putting the pressure of "forever" on yourself or the boys you may or may not like. The first few relationships a person has often don't pan out into the "let's get married and be together forever" kind of love and commitment. Eventually, there will be someone out there that will want to be with you, and just you, and love you, and only you, forever, but chances are it's going to take a few relationships and life experiences to find that person.
As for getting over your fear, it goes hand in hand with what I've just said - go out and have some fun! Everyone has a fear of rejection to some extent, but the key to getting over that fear is facing it head on. If you honestly like a guy and he starts flirting with you, flirt back a little. You aren't making some lifelong commitment by exchanging a few flirtatious phrases or even a kiss or two (if you become comfortable enough with the person to try).
As a warning though - don't necessarily attempt to "have some fun" or "get practice" with the boys that you flirt with that you aren't interested in. Unless they know there are no romantic intentions, you could be potentially dealing with a lot of hurt feelings or big crushes. Don't get me wrong, there's always the possibility that feelings could develop for someone after a situation like that, but if a guy is in the "Friends" category and that's where you want him to remain, don't fool around with him.
Just know that, yeah, there are some jerks out there, but there's nice guys too. Everyone has a someone. You just have to gain the courage to try.
I'm the exact same way you are.
just know you're not alone.
: )
When I was younger my fear of rejection partly stemmed from the fact that I had not been rejected yet. I did not know what to expect in case I did get rejected, which made it even more scary!
The best advice I can give you is to go out there and give it a shot. Try flirting with some guys even if you do get rejected. You'll learn a lot about flirting in general and how to keep your self-esteem high even after rejection. If you get rejected (It happens to everyone) and learn how to pick up and move on, you'll realize it's not as scary as you thought. Good luck!
It's very likely that watching your paren't relationship has had a profound effect on how you view romantic relationships in general. You might want to consider some counseling to help you come to terms with this.
I'm less than a month away from turning 22...and i'm still the cliche "never been kissed" case....i share your pain..and hope one of us will figure out this whole rejection anxiety thing eventually
<3
I have so many friends like that.
I'm more on the..
My fear of getting hurt rejects all the guys . LOL
=) keke. It's okay..You'll give in somehow..overcome your fear! =] I did that.
I'm the same way, and in the end I think it's made me numb to any of it, and just go for whatever and not wait for something better and worth it. So I hope you find your courage sooner than I find mine.
Once you realize getting rejecting is not such a bad thing, it weeds all the losers out, then you'll be more comfortable with yourself to be able to go for guys more so.
I'm still wandering how to go farther than just flirting, because that seems to be all I'm Okay at.
I still wonder about "as soon as I realize they're somewhat interested I lose interest" I don't know why I do this as well. I think it's the whole thrill of the chase aspect and as soon as they gain interest, where's the chase? What I'm learning is there are so many other fun things to do once you get into a relationship, and you can always still make em chase. ;)
Wow dude, I know how you feel. I'm 19 and still haven't been in kissed or in a full fledged real relationship..why? Because it's hard for me to let people in and I rejection is one of my biggest fears as well. Most guys that I was going to potential relationships with rejected me at some point but always came running back and that made me feel like a rebound.
I'm in this weird relationship right now and I still feel rejected...the things he did to me still brings my self esteem down and I can't let it go. But in your case, don't worry..youre only 17 and when the right person comes along..thoughts of rejection might come but won't stay.
Besides, fear is inevitably planted in everything..can't let fear get you to not do the things you want to do.
Idk if this post makes sense..I feel way out of it right now so if it doesnt..forgive me lol
Oh same here. I can easily flirt with others but when it comes to admitting to the guy that I like him, it used to take forever. Sometimes I just never say it secretly hoping that he might say it instead. But sometimes you just need to step up. It took a while for me, but I got over the fear of rejection.
@Jenzies@xanga - Because what she grew up with is an abusive father, that's what she'll end up looking for. It's strange how that works, but it's true. She just needs to go for the guys that aren't on her "omg he's so hot" list, and go for the "Hey, that guy looks kinda interesting" type of guy.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - if one finds their parent's personality as something good and comforting, that person is gonna try to seek that in another to be with. If this person finds his/her parent's personality as horrible, then thats something the person would find a turn off if seen in another. OBVIOUSLY, she portrays her parent's way as a negative. dont fucking suggest therapy.
im really glad im not the only that felt this. I guess what i would suggest to get rid of this fear is....to face it. to face this fear is to actually risk taking a chance with the guy. As long as the guy treats you right and you guys really like each other, then its all good. If you feel like you're getting hurt, you can always end it. Remember you dont have to put up with anything you dont want to. And of course, as youve heard around you, you do learn from your relationships, and actually get to be an emotionally stronger person as you move on. But just face this fear when you're ready, and if the person's worth it.
Awesome post!!