This is a guest blog submitted by righteousthang.How come when one spouse is cheating on another, the guy will always ask, "Did you sleep with him?" and the girl will always ask, "Do you love her?"
Okay, maybe not
always, but it does happen, and I've been noticing it a lot lately in movies, in shows, songs, in stories from friends or friends of friends. I was also told of a study (I have no idea how true it is) that claims that when one person is cheating on another in a relationship, females tend to care more about whether their guy
loves the other woman whereas males tend to care more about whether their girl has
had sex with the other guy.
Again, I don't know how true this is, but I'm curious. For me, I'd probably hate him if my BF slept with another girl and die if he loved her.
Guys/girls, is one more forgivable than the other? Why?
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Comments (241)
That's a pretty funny way of looking at cheating between them. Men wants to know if he was better, and women boil it down to love? Wow.
From experience, the only thing my boyfriend cared about was if we had sex. I think that might have been bc his last serious GF cheated on him and lied about it. He told me he forgave me bc i didnt have sex with the guy and i told him as soon as the whole ordeal was over. I think it was also easier bc it was a one night thing and alcohol was involved. I cant really say anthing on the other side bc ive never been cheated on.
I think this is because girls place a lot more on the emotional level of the relationship and forgive the physical aspect (sex) because of the lack of connection there. They would rather know that their guy is still emotionally attached to them, rather than go into the details of the physicality of it. This is because, to be honest, the equipment is pretty much all the same from person to person. Thus girls place more emphasis on the emotion then on the sex.
However, for guys, the reverse is more often than not true: they see the act of sex as something that makes a women "belong" to them and makes them feel "manly". When a girl betrays that and has sex with another man, it is a slight against their manhood. In addition to that, to many girls having sex is the culmination of sealing an emotional attachment to that man and a tearing apart of the previous emotional bond. Thus, guys place more value on the then the sexthen the emotion.
Did any of that make sense?
Ok. So i was reading this book called for women only that tells about how most men think (obviously not all) and men, when in love with a woman, relate sex and love together. So basically him asking "did you have sex with him" would be asking "did you love him" in a sense.
Im trying to picture this scenario of me cheating on my boyfriend. I think he would actually ask, "Did you sleep with him?" rather than "Do you love him?" hahaha!
but i think @cmdr_keen@xanga is right. it makes perfect sense.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - @cuzimlexxi@xanga - thankyou! Sometimes I just have verbal/typists dirreahea and it just comes out in a mish-mash.
Glad I'm not going (too) crazy :)
Cmdr Keen is spot on. However, I gotta say that if I was in a serious relationship with a girl for like 2 years and I found out she developed feelings for another man instead, I would be crushed, but not so much angry at her cause... there's not much I can do about it. Whereareas fking some other guy would be so offensive: it's betrayal and embarassment and emasculation.
expanding on cmdr's comment well think about it, when a guy cheats on a girl it can be possibly in a split second, but a guy will not love a girl in that brief period.
as for a girl sometimes there's a chance that they feel somehow they've instantly fallen in love ("love @ first sight") and that the moment etc was perfect and have sex. but many times they don't have sex with a guy for a while b/c it's the embodiment of their emotional attachment to a guy. So when for example I spent weeks or months dating a girl yada yada and she falls in love with me and then finally has sex with me but cheats on me within a very brief period of time, of course that's what we ask because THEN we'll know that this has been an ongoing matter and that some part of ourselves was not full filling their needs and they had to find it elsewhere.
@mistermino@xanga - Yeah! That makes sense too... thanks! :)
I am not a guy. But I think it boils down to the sexes viewing sex differently. It's more of a way to show love for guys in committed relationships, and less like that for women. If a guy slept with another woman, the girl is likely to ask if he loved her rather than if he slept with her because, in her mind, the two are almost mutually exclusive, where in his mind that isn't so.
Maybe.
When I think about, I would initially feel more angry at a girlfriend if she said she slept w/ another guy than if she says she loved another guy. In the long run however, that like asking me if I rather get stabbed or shot in the heart. Either would probably mess me up big time.
I don't think it is very fair to view the sexes differently in this way (in terms of being more forgiving of men for sexual infidelity than women) and what's more, I don't think it makes a lot of sense.
On the one hand, a woman is supposed to value the emotional attachment in a relationship above physical connection. On the other hand, the stereotype is that as soon as she sleeps with someone else it is a bigger deal because that means she's instantly become attached to the other guy.
If women really value the emotional aspect more than the physical connection, then wouldn't it make sense that if they commit physical infidelity it doesn't mean as much as what men make it out to be, i.e. it is no bigger of a deal than if a man had done the same?
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Good point. Both will hurt incredibly and leave scars for a lifetime.
That study is based on the fact that in caveman times, it was worse for a female if a guy CARED about another girl because then it meant he probably wouldn't take care of HER offspring. Whereas it was worse for a guy if the girl CHEATED PHYSICALLY because then if she got pregnant with the other guy's instead of his, then he'd be jipped in terms of carrying on his own genes (since a girl carries a baby for 9 months) for awhile. Also, he wouldn't necessarily know if the girl's offspring is his or the other guy's(s').
This reminds me of a study I saw done in some European country on the BBC news website that says blue-eyed men tend to find blue-eyed women more attractive, because if the blue-eyed woman has a kid with brown eyes... well it'll be easier for him to know that she's cheated than if a brown eyed girl had a brown eyed baby. I don't know how much I buy into this, seeing as it was done in a northern european country, but I still find it interesting.
I have to say that if a guy I were with, were in love with OR cheated with another girl- I don't know if I can say one is worse than the other. The very thought of either makes me nearly on the brink of vomiting. So it's very difficult. i'd have to analyze it for a few hours to pick which is the lesser of the two evils...
Hmm...pretty interesting, that seems very much true.
I don't know how I'd react...I think it would bother me more if he loved her, even though if he had sex with her, I'd probably wonder if I wasn't woman enough to satisfy him.
Without reading any of the other comments on here, my personal thing is "do/did you love him?" Sex, unfortunately, is just sex in some aspects. There is "making love," and there is just "sex." "Love" on the other had, is TOTALLY different. I'd be more upset and distraught if she loved the "other guy." instead of sleeping with him (although, i'd still be upset if she'd slept with him...).
@cmdr_keen@xanga - lol you said it perfectly!
Bateman's principle (http://www.xanga.com/LucyOwnsMySoul/678602287/item.html) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bateman%27s_principle) Would suggest that because a female primate relies on the male primate to provide food for potential offspring, she would care if he were sharing his resources (a result of love) with a mistress...whereas if a man is donating those resources he needs to know that his resources are going to offspring that are his, not belonging to another male.
Ergo, the woman wants to make sure she's getting a maximum amount of the man's resources, and the man wants to make sure that if he's investing resources, they're going to his kids.
@cmdr_keen@xanga - I have to agree 100% on that...
but either cases I would end the relationship with my gf...
I can't stand my gf cheats on me, physically/mentally...
@cmdr_keen@xanga - i agree. i wanted to write just about the same thing. but DAMN she said it PERFECT here. thats just the only answer i think you need.
i think guys just care more about sex. im a dude but i also would care if the chick loved the other guy. but i dont think its that easy for a girl to fall in love with the other person. unless theyve known eachother for a while.
but idk really....just listen to thatcmdr_keen@xanga chick. lol
Either way, separating sex from emotions is difficult for both men and women, especially when both sexes view them differently.
Though I would probably agree that if my man slept with someone else, without the emotional attachment, that it is more forgivable than if he loved her. I think men are more "strict" (if that's the right word for it) when it comes to their girlfriend and maybe, it's part of their nature to be competitive towards other men (or women).
Because in evolutionary psychology males and females differently,
Males are looking for sex, the sexual partner and to spread his seed to ensure that his genetic marker is left before he leaves ( yes like dies)
Females; are looking for someone to father her children and who can support them and their children
Males ask did you do him because he wants to know if there is a chance someone elses genetic marker is left in you and if u do produce offspring or to have some that they are his
Females ask because looking for the support and want to know if you their guy is forming a relationshion bond with someone else and if they will go off and support them instead