Wednesday, 19 November 2008
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Now That We Live Together, We Have Sex Less Often...
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I always thought that married couples had sex daily . . . or rather, when a guy is living with his chick, they had sex on a daily basis. I've had to ask a few people here and there, and that doesn't seem the case anymore. Currently, I'm living with my boyfriend and we don't have sex daily; actually we do it once a week. Usually, when we get home from work, we're both so tired that we just want to relax and have a good sleep.I'm just confused 'cause when I was living alone, I always wanted to have sex with him - like, on a daily basis - and now I wonder what has really changed.
It's so confusing and I just don't seem to understand my body anymore. Or maybe it was just an insecurity issue . . . I don't know! Help!
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Comments (183)
You've broken the barriers of comfort...you are relaxed with each other now. You really should be married before you live together/have sex. It works a lot better. When you relax then, you are at least committed.
I think that it's normal... at least I hope it is. My boyfriend and I are planning on him moving in with me in December. I think that the excitement of being able to see each other when it works for both of you gets things rolling with the sex. Living together, now you know you'll see him and you can have him when you like. He feels the same about you. It's a level of intimacy just to be together.
I have this same problem. It's frustrating because I want to want to have sex...I just don't. Like you, I'm tired and I'm stressed and I just want to chill out. My boyfriend has no such problem. I think it's natural that after you've been in a relationship for awhile you don't want to have sex as much. It's not new and exciting anymore and I think the desire just lessens. In fact, the other day I injured my finger and was looking up some first aid on WebMD when I cam across an article about Proctor&Gamble Pharmaceutical company actually working on some sort of patch to boost the female sex drive because, apparently, it's one of the most common complaints women have for their OB/GYNs. I'm sure this doesn't help you any since I have no advice. I guess all I'm saying is don't feel alone. There are tons of other women out there who feel the same way.
@NightCometh@xanga - Woo! Good way to put it (you don't hear much of that on this site).
To the reader: that's sound advice. If you reverse the process - make the committment before reaping its rewards, there's much more security.
If, however, you eat all the apples off the tree and eventually lose your taste for them, what keeps you coming back? Nothing at all.
Sex is like that. Without anything keeping you coming back (Marriage) there's no real reason why you should stay together if it's not satisfying anymore.
on the real... TIRED couples don't have much after work sex...
or just at all... girl's tired, guy's tired what ever the reason maybe...
if ya'll are going to be up around the same time for work... why not just go to bed early annnnddd....
get a morning dose see how that treats the rest of the day for ya...
sex is healthy, married or not, though religion teaches monogamy and through the sanction of holy matrimony...
talk it over see how that goes :D
This is a really good reason to wait until marriage to have sex. Yeah, on the honeymoon, couples have a lot of sex. Some have a lot of sex for the first year they're married; this is still called the "honeymoon" period, and for a reason. When you're married, your relationship is so much more than just sex, your relationship can help define you. When you're just living with someone, you have no commitment, so what should be a comfortable-just-being-together becomes doesn't he love me anymore? Doesn't he want me? Is he cheating? Yes, married couples can have the same issues, but you have a good reason to trust the person, he's your husband not your roommate. Being married isn't easy, and there are still days when one or the other of you would want out. But if you're married, you can't just pack your bags and move out, it's more complicated, which (should) make you work harder at keeping your relationship healthy.
my ex and i had the same issue...well...to a certain point
but when you both are tired, that can definitely take the urge to have sex away. try to plan some alone time at least twice a week. or if you beat him home, run him a nice bath, something like that
I guess you guys are too relaxed and the excitement isn't there anymore. Try changing things around, make the mood a bit better, then there will be something to look forward to.
i'd have to say i dont agree with the people who are saying 'dont have sex before marriage'... in my opinion, see how they go in bed and if they suck, try to help them out but if you just cant fix it... well, at least your not stuck with them thanks to marriage! haha.
anyway, onto your post...
My husband (de facto) and i use to have sex 24-7 when we first got together, and as time passed we didnt do it as much. I guess you get like a sex-OD or something. we do it once a week aswell, and were both happy with that. Every now and then the thrill of it all fades a little, but its usually fixable (and makes the sex more frequent) if you add something to it... like body chocolate or something to spice things up. Maybe your boyfriend just isnt a sex person? i mean, maybe he can go without for a longer time than you can without it bothering him. I can live without it, really... so its only the once a week thing that bothers my husband, hahaha
When you guys were living apart, you always yearn to be with him and connect with sex. Now that you are with him pretty much every day, the yearning isn't there. It's just like a candy bar. You have one on Monday and it was so good that you wisj that you have it every day. And once you do, it starts to get less and less satisfying. Get my drift?
@sorjai@xanga - totally agree :)
Once a week doesn't seem so bad. But if you really want it on a daily basis then pin your man down and tell him you want to get some.Â
i guess the honeymoon stage ended...i mean when you dont see each other...you get really excited when you do that every minute counts and you make the best you could out of it. now that you live together i guess it becomes, you can have it when you want it so there's less excitement.
Relationships changed. As you grow you become more of a couple and become more comfortable with eachother. It's not a bad thing if the sex has slowed down a bit. In the begining of a relationship it is usually great and happens all the time.
Everythings okay take it easy!
We are the same way...I have no clue what happens but it happen to me and my mike
Sex everyday whn living together is a myth.. :D well, my boy and i live together for over 2 yrs now and we are very comfortable juz kissing & hugging each other to sleep on the other days... which imo is really sweet too.
If he has sex with u everyday, would u then end up thinking "is he here only coz he wants to have someone to have sex with everyday?"
I say stop feeling insecure about urself and work on healthy and engaging activities that both of u can do to sweeten up the days like cooking together, washing dishes, doing jigsaws etc.. relationships are more than sex anyway arent they?
that is just common. it's because you get "used" to having them around that certain things take priorities - like dinner, cleaning the place and stuff.. just that they (as well as sex) become part of the routine that they kinda take a seat back. nothing really drastically wrong nor disturbing but don't let it falter .. have date nights and make that day (which u stated it seems to just occur once a week now) extra special! ;)
that's normal...
having sex in a relationship not just satisfy the physical need, it also helps on the mental side... but since you two are living together, the mental side can be fulfilled by other things...
I had the same situation before... my ex asked for it but I'm just too tired from work and I don't have the energy for it...
don't worry... it's not a bad thing... if you want to improve it, try something new with him... that would boost up the sex drive...
hope this helps~
Statistics say that the average couple has sex about 2-3 times a week at the most. Some just once, so maybe you really had to experience living with your partner before making assumptions. Well, now you know how it is, but I guess if it bothers you, you could always bring it up. But I think you've already acknowledge that both are very tired after work.
it's all about getting the sex you want, sex that you can't get on a daily basis, that makes it desirable. now that sex is readily available, there is no need to "jump on it". if you're tired, there's tomorrow. simple.
wow isn't it the guy that normally complains about this? hell, i'd love to have a girl who wants to do it everyday.
anyone see that snl skit with the ladies' man? some female caller says that sex with her boyfriend has gotten boring, and she wants to spice it up. the ladies' man's response: "may i suggest (pause)...trying the butt." and yes, i realize my comment has been completely unhelpful.
on a tangentially related note, can someone PLEASE point out to me where the poster asked for everyone's religious advice? wtf is this all about?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I dunno, but it's kind of annoying. I understand their viewpoint and all but everytime I see a comment about "you should've waited until marriage" it's like a "haha, you're wrong".
I honestly don't see what the OP's marital status has to do with her problem. She's in a committed relationship, the only difference is that she doesn't have the piece of paper saying she's bound to the dude.
ANYWAYS, enough with the ranting.
I agree for the most part with @sorjai@xanga - while I haven't been in a deeply relationship where I lived with the guy, things did get a bit boring in the sack between me and my ex after some months. A lot of the advice I've seen about getting that "spark" back usually says to just do it and not overthink it.
Plus sex at night is tiring, especially if you have classes/work in the morning. Have you guys tried meeting up during the day on any of your breaks for a quickie? I know it might sound stupid or weird, but the way I see it it's like a snack that fills you up in the meantime but also makes you excited for "dinner" later.
I dunno if I helped at all, but I hope you feel better soon about getting it on
:)
P.S.- I can't help but think about the song "afternoon delight" after I read this.
@icicle84@xanga - Love keeps you coming back. My boyfriend and I are also like this, but we've still dated for over 3 years. If a relationship crashes and burns just because there's no sex, well...what does that say about the relationship?Â
Ummm...If this is normal, I'd say that's alarming...
If you really want to have sex, and I do mean REALLY want to have sex, you will...You'll make time for it...You'll find energy...You'll do what you have to do to get your partner revved up...
I understand that some people have different sexual timings or even don't want it as much...That or you start to figure, "We can just have sex tomorrow..." or "I can wait til the weekend..."
Sex just becomes less important to you...
That my friends is a sad day because it means the honeymoon is over...You go to what's known as the grind...
I say fuck that...I say honeymoon til the wheels fall off...I say have sex in the morning, noon and night...Have sex just for the sake of it feeling good...Don't make excuses not to have sex...Make excuses TO have sex...Enjoy what you have while you still can...
I say this to all my friends and I'll say it again...
"On your deathbed, the you'll never think to yourself that you should have had less sex..."
I leave you with that and condoms for the gentlemen and the pill for the ladies...