Tuesday, 18 November 2008
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He's Not Ready for A Serious Relationship - I'm Not Waiting Around
This is a guest blog submitted by charm1234.A little less than 4 months ago I started dating this guy; we're both in our late 20s. I knew from a mutual friend that he had recently gotten out of a serious relationship (of about a year), but they hadn't lived in the same city for about four months. Knowing all of this when we started dating, I made the decision to not bring up his ex, ask him questions or discuss my ex and the baggage I carried. I wanted to approach our dating a different way than I usually do and avoid talking about emotions, expectations, etc. too soon.
We took things slow; he treated me great and things were going well. We were having a lot of fun...or so I thought.
He invited me to a wedding in which I would meet his parents. Three weeks before the wedding, he took me out to a nice dinner; afterward we walked to the subway while holding hands. Then as we parted ways he said, "I like you a lot, I have so much fun with you, but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship."
Without hesitating I said, "Okay, so we're breaking up?". He wanted to take a break and I said no; immediately what went into my head was that he was just trying to break it to me gently. And if I were to give him that break, more than likely, it wouldn't help all that much. He still wanted to hang out and asked if I would go to the wedding with him, but I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I just wanted to rip the bandaid off.
My question is, was he just letting me down gently? Or could he have been telling the truth - that he wasn't ready? I'm certainly not going to wait around for him, but I just wonder if I should offer up the idea of our possibly getting back together down the road.
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Comments (37)
Well, you said that you wanted to take things slowly. He possibly thinking along the same lines, yet doesn't wanna jump in right away. For all we know, maybe he is still thinking about his ex and trying to get over those feelings before starting news one with you. Don't get all bunched up about it. Give him some time, maybe even go to the wedding with him, hang out a bit, get dinner, movies. And when he's ready, he'll let you know.
he obviously seems interested....but he's only had 4 months since the last break-up and you....i don't think that's enough time [shrug] guys don't get over things as fast as you think. he might actually just not be ready for another serious relationship (like he told you), and if he truly isn't then he is saving you a lot of trouble. but i wouldn't completely write him off if you actually do like him. just don't get emotionally entangled until he's ready to also.
By what youre telling us, we cant figure out the reason why he wanted a break. Whether he's breaking it to you gently or not ready, only he knows that.
You shouldnt offer the idea of getting back with him in the future. Let him come with his offerings. As a female, I think we should wait......if they come with what we like, then we accept. Im not up to date with these new school girls.....approaching guys, asking guys on dates, for their numbers, etc.
Actually, this day in age...with guys less gentleman-like...and more pig-like, you would think women would put up their guards more than back in the day.
I see that as a maybe.
He is telling the truth.
I mean, look, four months? Four months to decide on the rest of his life? I don't think these things are a function of time, but I know that many people do, and for those who do, four months isn't enough.
I think "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" can mean a lot of things. It can mean he needs to slow down, or he's looking for a passive way to break up with you. In other words, instead of telling you why he wants to stop dating you he can put it on him and say he's not ready.
I don't know what to tell you about his motives. But it doesn't matter. If you're title is true, you don't want to wait around. So doesn't whether or not he likes you seem a little inconsequential? No matter what his motives, you don't want to date someone who need breaks. SO, move on, and find someone new.
you need to talk to him about why he wanted a break. no one here can answer that question for him.
He had his chance, if he isn't totally in love with you now, then he won't be totally in love with you later. If a guy wants to be with a girl, he won't care whether or not he's ready. Sorry girl, go find someone who offers the kind of love you deserve.
Sounds like your guy is exactly where I'm at. Just broke things off with my ex a little over 2 months ago. A couple weeks ago I met a really sweet guy. We've spent some time together, there's mutual interest, and I definitely see the potential for a relationship with him... just not now. I need to put more distance between me & my last relationship, and I need to focus on making progress toward my own goals first before worrying about someone else. I put a lot of energy into my last relationship, and I just don't have that kind of energy right now.
It's too soon for relationship talk for us, but if he asks me, that will be my honest answer. Sounds cliche, but it's not him - it's me. I'd like to continue spending time with him & getting to know him, but I'm not ready for that level of commitment yet. If he's understanding, he'll wait around & continue to be the sweet guy he is, so that things can work out when we both feel ready.
I think since he's expressed a desire to spend more time with you, he does want to continue seeing you. Continue hanging out with him and being supportive and showing him how great you are, but don't push for a relationship. He said he's not ready for something serious, and maybe - this is crazy - maybe that's exactly what he meant. It's not that he's not interested or that he doesn't think you guys are compatible; he just has his own issues to work through. Give him his space; let him get over his ex and move on with his life first before entering into a new commitment.
Maybe he isn't ready yet.
I think you did the right thing. If he wants to be with you, he'll let you know. Guys are funny like that.
After reading the book "He's just not that Into you" I have learned that, what he did, is just letting you down easy. I believe that you have made a great choice.
well if it's down the road then don't worry about it right now. and don't assume that every guy is going to tell a lie right from the start.
to me, it just sounds like he wants you to go to that wedding with him so he doesn't go alone. if he goes alone, people might "feel sorry" for him that he hasn't moved on yet or whatever. he might just be using you as a front :X
i say go for someone who is actually ready for a relationship.
don't waste your time.
If he really likes you, and if and when he's ready, he'll likely pursue you. Otherwise, if and when he's ready he doesn't contact you, likely it means he wasn't that into you to begin with...sorry.
Your situation sounds exactly like my situation. We broke it off just over a month ago, and even now I know we made the right choice. If he wants to be with me, he'll contact me. He'll get his act together.
@thatmanganerd87 - It shouldn't be up to the person he's dating to help him get over an ex. It's up to, well, him! It's most unfair and selfish to put that kind of responsibility on a person he's dating; it's heavy emotional baggage. After all, she's not his therapist, but a potential girlfriend.
If anything, I think not contacting him would actually help because if he really likes her, and still likes her down the road, he'll actually get a chance to know what it feels like to miss her.
Not at all...He was saying he didn't want to be in a serious relationship...
You were about to meet his parents...I'm pretty sure he was trying to let you know not to start thinking long term...yet...
Much more to this...Stop reading into it so much...Damage is done and you're gone...
NEXT...!
Hello there dear. My name is Pixie. I have a question, if there's ever a way to ensure that the guy is serious with his statement that he's just not ready for a serious relationship right now, will you consider and give him a chance? I don't know. The way I see it, he's probably serious about it. Although I have always been introduced to the family of the guys I dated, some guys don't do that for "just another girl." So that is somewhat a hint that the dude is serious. This is MY point of view. What I think the dude is trying to do is heal. HEAL WITH YOU. Now the question is are you up for that? The risk you're taking is that in the end, he might be not serious at all and he's just taking you for a ride. Take care and I hope you update us what happens.
I think you were right to "rip the bandaid" off. If he comes back at a later date ready, then I'd think about it then. Otherwise just let it go.
if he's telling you the truth... it means that he still can't get over what had happened... and he does not want to make you a "rebound"... he needs some space and time...
if he's using it as an excuse, don't even bother keep trying... leave him and find someone better...
have you ask him why?
but seriously I wouldn't think he'll go out with you the first place if he was not ready...
I'm sorry to hear this but good luck~
I think you are being a bit harsh but I understand that you don't want to be drag around if it's not going to be fruitful. If you really don't want a break then just leave but being on a break also doesn't mean you are committed. Anything is possible, so I suggest you don't take this too seriously.
I think you were right in that it's not a good idea to go to a wedding with a guy who wants to "take a break." That would be really awkward. Also, I think it's quite foolish of him to want to take a break and still attempt to hang out with you.
If you've decided that you're not going to wait around for him, it sounds to me like you've made this into a breakup anyway, so it doesn't matter whether he wants to break up or if he wants a break. And since he's the one who brought it up first, he should be the one offering up the idea of getting back together in the future, not you.
just when are you guys are already in a relationship? Yes, I think he's just telling you what he thinks (truth).