Miss Penguin I have rather... unconventional... views on marriage for an American girl these days. To me, marriage is a legal institution that makes defining a relationship and the rights/responsibilities that come with it easier. Because I'm not religious, there is no religious meaning behind marriage. And while I want to get married, I honestly don't think of it as "the biggest day of my life" or "the most romantic day of my life". I don't want a big wedding. I don't want a big diamond ring. I want a small ceremony. I think I will probably elope. My parents did and I just can't imagine putting on some big production and spending all that money on one day of our lives when that money could be put to other uses that would make us equally happy (and probably for longer). There's also the problem that whoever I marry will probably not be from Minnesota, so wherever we got married, it would be expensive for one (or both) of our families to come. And I have stage fright. I don't want 200 people there listening to my vows - t hat thought terrifies me.
At the same time, I do think that marriage is a huge commitment and I am against divorce - not in the "no one should ever get divorced" sense. But I think too many couples don't try hard enough to stay together, and I think that marriage is such a big commitment that it deserves some work put into it. Divorce these days is the easiest answer, but I've never been one for taking the easy way out. Especially for couples who have kids...they should really fight as hard as they can to save their marriage for the children's sake.
I recently found myself having this debate with some guys and I found it rather amusing that I had probably the least "romantic/emotional" outlook on love and marriage. What's your outlook?
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Pretty similar, actually. I think the only reason one would get married would be the tax benefits, and the only people who should be doing it are people who have already established a healthy "long term" relationship.
Overall, I find marriage is a joke these days. But I'm not getting into it.
I go back and forth. Sure, I'd love to have the white dress and the close friends and family there to share in the joy of the event. But, I think I'd rather just elope, not worry about all the fuss, and then have a party with everyone afterwards or at a later date to celebrate.
My outlook is nearly identical to yours, surprisingly ! Although, because I think it is such a huge commitment, and I am largely against divorcing, I fear I will never marry. Hah!
Agreed. Marriage is just a social institution. It is a ring, ceremony, and a piece of paper. Eff that. Maybe I'm just bitter over my parent's divorce, but if I love someone and he loves me then why do we have to get married? Stupid society.
practical and realistic...
I believe your views are conventional among young men these days..
whether it's romantic, it depends
some like simple and pure ones
some may think otherwise
1. I hear ya on the vows. Luckily, in my religion, we don't have vows or the whole parade down the aisle.
2. deciding to marry outside of your resident state...I want mine outside of the country and sadly, I know this will not be feasible unless I plan to fly everyone overseas.
3. I totally agree with your entry except about the religion part...I don't think religion is what makes wedding dream day extravaganzas. It's our culture! So right though... big, glitzy weddings are overrated!
I actually had my wedding in my parent's backyard. It was a very pretty wedding (my dad did the decorating. lol. He watches all those home decorating shows).
When we renew our vows sometime in the future, we'll have a bigger one with more people. I liked our small one though. =) Just family and close friends. There were maybe...20 people all together.
We did, however, have a reception afterwards where everyone was invited.
Marriage is a huge deal to me and I would have never done it if I thought I couldn't stay committed to it. Or if i thought my husband wasn't it for me. Marriage, in my mind, IS forever. Divorce isn't an option for me.
Marriage is much more to me than signing a piece of paper. It's committing me life with someone else forever...becoming one.
i'm a weirdy. i love weddings, but don't like the idea of marriage. or, at least, what i see marriage turning into. marriage, to me, means forever and ever the end till death. no excuses, no way out. once that ring is on my finger you're stuck. my friend and i joke that when we say "till death" we mean it...as in if this is ending it's because someone's in a coffin. i just find that too many people today have this romantic idea of marriage/love that makes it hard for them to deal with the reality of marriage/love. i also think people are too fickle. i think it'd be easy for someone of my generation to wake up one day, look at their spouse and go "i don't love you anymore. i want a divorce." and that be that. sooo with my cynical view, i doubt i'll ever get married.
but i LOVE big, glitzy weddings and stuff. like, for serious. i think it's mostly the party part that i love: fab dress, fab food, my favorite people in the world all around me just celebrating me....i've pretty much decided that i'm gonna have a "party of my life" where i get to do all the fun reception things and just not have a wedding. that way all the not fun things about weddings i won't have to deal with.
I think marriage will be really hard work but not devoid of romance. I think of marriage as a serious commitment that involves living day-to-day life with another person in all its mundanity and excitement—pretty much the same as living with a roommate except for the extra benefits and hardships. Oh, and you do it your whole life.
I don't think the problem is more that people jump into marriage too quickly than that they don't try hard enough to keep it together. Or both.
When it comes to getting married, I'm not religious, either. I don't want a big ceremony. I don't want a diamond ring. I don't want to spend all that money for just one day, especially when I hate being in front of people, anyway.
I am not much of a romantic in relationships, but I am a dreamer. I did have a big traditional wedding because my family and family friends are so large, which seemed 'practical' as a reunion. I decided long ago I would have multiple weddings, hopefully to the same person. I just had the big one last month in my home country (USA). Besides the traditional wedding, I want one with just the groom and I and God/Nature someday. Plus with family and friends overseas, I would like one in the church my grandfather built in the Philippines. (@Fairywife@xanga)
@The_Prestigiator@xanga - I used to want one in Europe - Venice. Intentionally so very few could make it. (BTW I totally agrees with your #3 above. It was and still is one of my biggest hangups. Yet I ended up having an extravaganza and loved it. Big thanks to my Dad. )
@IfonEarth@xanga - I didn't want a big ring either, but my fiance (now husband) really wanted to get me a modest one. I actually relish in it being relatively small by some standards.
While I am more spiritual than religious, I had to tough out a traditional Catholic marriage in one of the top 5 strictest diocese in the US. (Not fun. Groom and his family Catholic too... sometimes unfortunately. ) One advantage of this was the preparation and thoughtfulness. While we may not agree with some of the Church teachings, it had us thinking, talking and preparing.
As I got older, I grew more appreciative of large weddings, because it was a chance to see family and relatives. Plus they were fun. As I planned my wedding, I still had bouts of anti-traditionalism, modern gal and the like. (Reading the Anti-Bride book series and Bridal Bargains (by Fields) helped greatly. I did away with things like the bouquet and garter toss, which I thought outdated and silly.) It was a beautiful wedding we wanted and could afford. (somewhat afford, I went a little overbudget. yikes...)
In the end it what YOU and Your Groom want that is important. It can be hard in a big family like mine, but it was worth it. Fortunately almost anything goes these days...
I very seriously considered eloping, but it would never happen. My (immediate) family is really close, and it probably would have hurt my parents a lot. We tried to keep everything small (got my dress on sale, had the ceremony and reception in the same hall, no fancy limos, no alcohol). We ended up having probably a little over 100 people come, and a lot of that was because my mom made sure we invited certain people (like my cousins and aunts and uncles on my husband's side). We had planned to pay for all of it too, but my parents helped a lot. They actually paid for most of it, though we never asked or expected them to.
It wasn't the "best day of our lives" because how sad is it to think that the best day is over? We're also not Christian, so we didn't want the wedding in a church (which really upset his mom and step-dad, and honestly, we didn't care about how they felt, because aside from being "Sunday Christians", they didn't want us to get married). A large portion of his family thought we should live together first, but that is something I would never do, and I never had a problem telling people I was waiting till I was married.
This comment is getting long, sorry. Mostly, when it comes to your wedding, if you're paying for it, do whatever you want, and the hell with anyone who doesn't like it.
I agree, although I have dreamed of a big wedding with beautiful dresses and all that lovey dovey stuff, but culturally that wouldn't exist. My family is pretty small and we aren't too close to the relatives.. Mine would be pretty small too.....
Oh, and I forgot to mention, we refused to let the DJ play the Chicken Dance or the Electric Slide, even if someone requested it. I hate those songs.
i was thinking today how much people put into the idea of marriage it takes away from the romantic site of it. Id rather live with someone and split things equally (for now). I can't see standing all in white taking a ring, or at least I never have. I also fear the idea of being with one person soley forever. I guess that has something to do with my commitment issues. But I can't say where they came from. My parents have been married for over 30 years and are still in it.
ya i am pretty unromantic and unconventional about marriage as well. its ok to be that way. some of the stigma attached to marriage makes is unappealing anyway. you're right people should try harder to make it work.for alot of people marriage is just an extended dating relationship with a legal paper and ring attached. when things go sour, it's over.
I would be just as happy being married as I would be being unmarried.
In most states I can't even marry my girlfriend so...yeah.
The only thing that really matters is the legal rights.
I am not sure if I can stay with ONE WOMAN for the REST of my life but I am a faithful person.
I used to have this idealistic view of marriage but over the years, I've seen so much infedelity, abuse, etc. that the idea of marriage just seems tarnished.
Well, it may not have the same definition these days, but cultures change over time. It's inevitable. Anyhow, as a man, I've been raised to believe that marriage is a bad thing, that it means the end of all the good times, and submission to being lame. However, my take has always been that if you are going to do it, REALLY do it. The ceremony, the religious syntax, that is all up to the individual, but I mean don't just jump into it. If you're going to get married, be certain in your mind and in your heart that this person is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, and be prepared. Be prepared by getting your finances in order, be prepared to have to do a lot of work at some point to keep the relationship healthy for both you and your partner, because if you get into it without the serious, life-long commitment in mind, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to be willing to put in the work. Nothing in life is worth having that you don't have to work for.
My outlook is almost identical to yours.
And I don't understand why people blow so much money on a wedding ceremony when they could use it, instead, as a down payment for a house, their retirement fund, their kids' college funds, et cetera. What a waste. Why do people insist on decadence over pragmatism?
My beau and I are religious in that we are both committed to our Christian faith (I'm Catholic, he's a non-denominational Protestant). That's not to say that we both totally tow the line on every uber-strict "rule" of Christianity. We live together, have no issues with artificial birth control if it doesn't work via means of being an abortifacient, and we don't believe premarital sex in the context of a committed, loving relationship expected to last a lifetime is in any way a sin.
What we do believe is that God is a part of our relationship now, and that He should be a part of our marriage after we've tied the knot. Because of that, it's important to us to have a "church wedding", to stand before God and our loved ones as we say our vows. We believe this because just doing it that way seems, to us, to be a clear way of including God, and those who also believe in Him, in our marriage.
As for the "bling factor", we're thinking our wedding will be small and simple, yet classy and elegant. No big show or extravaganza for us, thank you very much. As for me, yes, I confess, I want a beautiful, elegant ballgown-style dress. My tiara will likely come from Wal-Mart, and I can make my own veil. I want to have a nice little cocktail reception afterwards--perhaps even in our own home. I'll probably end up doing all the flower arrangements and centerpieces myself, ordering the food from our local grocery store's deli department, using their bakery for the cake, and buying the champagne right off the shelf. For entertainment, we'd like to hire some string players--violin and guitar--just to provide a little music we can dance to and to set a nice, tranquil mood. We'll likely only have about 50 people there, when all is said and done, so keeping a tranquil mood isn't likely to be a problem, LOL. We'll probably skip having a bridal party, print our own invitations, but spend a little money on a good photographer. We have no interest in things like wedding favors and videography and limousines and personalized cocktail napkins.
I wouldn't want to elope...perhaps I'm a bit more romantic than the original poster. But I certainly don't want to blow $20,000+ on one day and creating a ticking stress bomb that could go off at any minute!
I completely agree. I'm also under the impression that a large wedding isn't necessary- I told that to my ex, and he was shocked. He stated that the entire reason for a wedding was to announce to everybody that you were committing to each other. I thought that the only two people that mattered in the commitment were the two getting married. Whatever.
I agree though. I'm totally going to elope if he's willing :P
My parents only got married for the Military benefits. I'm not saying they weren't in love, but to both of them marriage was only a piece of paper.
Since I've grown up to that, I kind of think the same thing. I'm fine with being in a wonderful relationship, without having a piece of paper to tell me how I feel about that person.
But I also think marriage is a big step in a relationship, and if I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I would happily marry them.
I've never been one to want a big wedding and a big white dress, or anything like that. My wedding would most likely only have my family, his family, and our close friends there. And it would probably be a kind of casual wedding, at that.
When you have someone you are completely head over heals for, you will think of marriage differently....