This is a guest blog submitted by bluetrashcan.
A recent conversation with one of my guy friends lead to the question that at one point or another, all of my guy friends have asked me - "Why do girls go out with scumbags?"
This is a question I've thought about a lot myself, because I wonder the same thing. I am much more confident than I used to be, but even during my period of self-loathing and whatnot, I never let someone treat me like I was worthless and insignificant. I've come up with the following.
A. Some girls feel like they'll never get anything better, so they stay in their relationship, in fear of being stuck in a worse situation in the future than they're in now.
B. Some girls feel they deserve a guy's crap. Fairly self explanatory, at least in my book.
C. Some girls are scared of being alone.
D. Some girls actually like the pain they get from a bad relationship. For some reason, some people just like being in a passive, subordinate situation.
E. They truly think, and actually may be, in love with an abusive person.
F. Some girls find "good" guys to be boring
I'm a firm believer that it's not just guys, but girls that suck too (hence, people suck, not just one gender), so this theory applies to both sexes quite easily.
My real problem with all of this though, is this - "I hate him. All he does is make me cry. Why am I with him?" even though it's been 3 years, the constant complaining of an SO that makes you feel horrible, all the bitching and moaning. It's the sheer lack of personal responsibility that makes me go bonkers.
As harsh as this sounds, it's not your boyfriend or your girlfriend making you miserable. You're making yourself miserable. You stay in a bad relationship because you decide to, not because something is making you stay. Yeah, you can hand me that line about kids or financial situations (and I do have sympathy for that, I promise), but truly, if you were that desperate you'd find a way out, and, if you truly can't, the exception makes the rule, doesn't it? You CHOSE to deal with it. If you're not happy with it, try fixing it, and if it doesn't work, get out of it. Don't complain to no end about how unhappy you are and then continue to do the same thing over and over. It's lazy, not to mention extremely annoying for whoever listening to it. It is a textbook example of a total lack of personal responsibility. Blaming someone else for making you miserable is totally sidestepping the truth that you decide you're willing to put up with it.
Personal responsibility is a trait sorely lacking in our society (at least in my eyes), but it peeves me the most in the area of relationships, friend, SO, or other. The relationships we have reflect the ways we treat everyone else, so I think it's most essential that we hold up our end of responsibility in relationships than any other area. Who cares if you end up alone? Is being with someone who makes you unhappy to prevent yourself from being along worth sarcrificing everything you ever wanted out of a relationship? If you're afraid you won't get better - you will. If you feel like you deserve the nonsense for your sins - you don't. Everyone deserves to be happy. If you're really in love with a bad person, this is another harsh truth to life - you're going to call in love with people you aren't meant to be with. And if you like the pain... well, I've got nothing there.
If you don't like it, go fix it and stop your moaning. You owe it to yourself.
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Comments (33)
I think most of the time, you are right that if you're in a relationship where you are treated like crap, you have the choice to leave. It's hard to leave, yes, but it's still an option.
However, there are extreme situations where the abuser has threatened his/her partner, and that makes it way harder to leave. In a perfect world, people would get out before it gets to that point, but the truth is, they don't. If an abuser is threatening his/her partner and saying he/she will harm the partner or his/her pets or kids if the partner leaves, then telling that person to just get out doesn't work. There has to be a detailed escape plan so the person can leave safely.
Truth, a truth that I hate. So very very much.
Guys shouldn't complain. They only go for the pretty skinny ones who go for the really attractive males. Stop looking at girls who go for scumbags! There's other females out there.
well said.
Agreed.
amen.
and there are ways/organizations/law enforcement/self-defense education/etc..to keep yourself safe from a harmful ex. it's just a matter of becoming informed.
c'est possible!
YAY FEATURED!
Well, you know I agree with like 99.9% of the things you say, and of course this is no different even if I'm one of the people that does this. We both know I'm not going to fix it though until I have another mental breakdown. Yay for extremely detrimental stubbornness.
@awokenfatality@xanga -
Men can also find themselves trapped in abusive relationships. Men can
also have submissive natures, low self esteem, be emotionally unstable,
and lack personal responsibility. Saying guys only go after one type
of woman is a pretty brash generalization.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - Another mental breakdown? If you had a breakdown the first time you experienced a relationship like this, what makes you think this next one will help you move on from scumbags? Everyone says they want to change, but waiting for the bad things to happen again just shows change hasn't happened at all. If you truly are in a relationship with a scumbag, I believe that the best course of action would be to leave now, before you put yourself through more emotional trauma.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - I agree with your comment, there are a lot of different reasons physically abusive relationships are much harder to leave than purely emotionally abusive ones.
Overall, there are many things preventing both men and women from leaving abusive relationships. Men and women both suffer in these types of relationships.
http://www.batteredmen.com/
http://www.divorcenet.com/states/oregon/or_art02 (on battered women)
in all honesty, you sound kind of miserable yourself. here's my deal. i like a scumbag... but he is my friend who i occasionally hook up with. now, i too believe myself to be on a similar level of scumbagness for a girl, nothing i'm proud of but it's true. anyway, this scumbag who i like is super attractive, fun, and emotionally unavailable. i like the challenge of his elusiveness but know that i'll make better decisions for a real relationship. in any event i totally agree that most people just suck.
I think you are so right with everything you said. There were somethings I wanted to think about arguing against, but everything is about personal choice. If you can walk out your door, or call 911, or swing a sharp or heavy object, then nothing should stop you from being happy. Nothing at all.
@godofthelost@xanga - My first breakdown, the one I'm going through, and the rest of the ones I'll survive over the course of my life will only help make me a stronger person. Just because I've had them doesn't mean they were only caused by relationships, just like how having them doesn't make me less of the person I am. I never said I changed or even that I wanted to change. I also never said I was dating a scumbag.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I fully understand and I didn't mean to attack you or your decisions. I never said having mental breakdowns makes you less of a person, not by a longshot. From what I understood of the comment you posted, you were in an abusive relationship in the past(like one described by the OP) and you were able to remove yourself from it via mental breakdown?
I won't argue with you about your life. I do hope that you are not using mental breakdowns as a catalyst for change.
@godofthelost@xanga - Yes that is true, but I wasn't speaking about those men, perhaps I should have been more specific.
we have to stand up for ourselves! I know it's easier said than done but it's do-able!
@godofthelost@xanga - I understand that you weren't attacking me, I'm sorry if that came off as overly defensive. I was in an abusive relationship; however, I didn't remove myself from it with a mental breakdown, more like removing myself from the relationship was a major catalyst to the mental breakdown.
I don't use mental breakdowns as a means to bring about change. I'm a very unmovable person in a lot of respects and the only thing breakdowns have contributed to is a more increased sense of the self I have, not the self I would like to be. I can see and recognize the traits I would like to possess, but am hard pressed to go out and achieve them.
personal responsibility = accountability
i am ALL for it!
ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!
So very well said, and so very true. If you are in a bad relationship and all you can do is complain and whine, then there must be SOMETHING you like about it. Some sort of personal gratification that you are getting out of it, or you wouldn't still be in it. Period.
You can't let your fear stop you from flying. One of my favorite songs is a song from Josh Groban-Let Me Fall.
Here are just a few of the lyrics, but really, you should check out the song. Awesomeness.
"I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear"
I agree wholeheartedly.
Amen!!! Well said!!!! :D
Dude, chill out.
People in abusive relationships are usually to some degree depressed and when you are that unhappy you can't think straight or see reality or feel you have the power to do anything. It's not as easy as 1-2-3 -done. Right now, your post just sounds like a self-righteous and ignorant rant. If you really want to help people in those situations have some compassion and patience to support them as the get themselves out. Yelling at them really won't make them do anything if they are that unhappy.
I agree with some of your points here, but disagree with most of them. I feel since, as you said yourself you've never been in this situation, you really aren't the best person to comment on why someone would "choose" to stay in an abusive relationship, or with a "scumbag".
Is this....*gasp*...the only post ever without a question at the end?
amen to that.
This post has some good points, but as a person whose been in a tough relationship, I found the tone of it pretty offensive. I'm sure that wasn't the intention behind this and I can understand the frustration of having a friend bitch and moan and not do anything. But this sort of attitude is why I didn't tell any of my friends and hid all of my pain away - because I didn't want to be an annoying burden. It's a lot more difficult, in some cases at least, than just "taking responsibility for your unhappiness." I had difficulty leaving not because I had convinced myself that it could work, but because I truly feared for my life if I got out. I did get out and I did it on my own with no help from any other people. It was not a good experience by a long shot, but it has resulted in me becoming a much stronger person.
So coming from some one who can say "been there, done that," while you have good points that work for a large majority of girls/guys, try to be a little kinder and think about the exceptions.