This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.So, you and your significant other broke up and you're trying to get back out there...get back on the old horse and never look back. I think that whoever thought that was possible should be punched in the mouth.
Breaking up with your significant other is awful, painful, confusing....did I mention awful? It doesn't matter what side you are on, both the breaker-upper and the breaker-uppee are in a position of immediate heartbreak and bad times. I know, I know, the rejected one probably has the worse end of the deal, but they get to have people tell them how their ex is horrible and never deserved them and host well-deserved memory burning nights with the full support of their friends. But what about the breaker-up-er? Just because they did the heartbreaking doesn't mean that they aren't having a hard time either. I mean, it's hard enough to realize that the person you are with isn't right for you, but they are expected to just get back out there and be fine because it was their decision.
My most recent breakup has been subpar at best.
As you may have already guessed, I was the breaker-upper. I have been attempting to act as the impromptu support system for my ex but recently turned into the bad guy when I wouldn't answer the "Do you still love me" question. I am trying to be there as much as I can for him in a strictly
friends, I'm not your future wife kind of way, but it's getting to be really difficult.
In my opinion, the breaker-upper endures a curve effect in terms of getting over their ex. The initial phase generates mainly bad feelings about the hurt the other person is enduring, but there are generally no "I want you back" kinds of thoughts. Then, as your ex starts calling/texting you again in an effort to preserve your "friendship," you start to remember what you are missing, realizing your losses, possibly some second guessing? Then, when they realize that getting back together is not in your plans, and they resume hating you and ending all communication, you start to miss them again.
Now, with no communication in the air, the looking through of old pictures, remembering how good the good times were, and realizing that most men are complete jerks, you start to question your decision. By this time, of course, telling them these things would just be cruel, given the amount of pain they have already been put through. In the end, you just have to stick to your guns and trust that you made the right decision.
The point is that both parties of the break up have to go through hard times. Just because one side made the decision that the relationship needed to end doesn't mean that they aren't having a hard time as well.
In the long run, is it easier to be the breaker-upper or the breaker-uppee?
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Comments (59)
It's easier being the breaker-upper, because you were more likely to be "over him/her" if you ended it.
But sometimes that's not true, so it varies.
Depends on the reason for the break-up. If it is because the significant other hasa new flame, then no ,and ditto that for any other selfish reason. If the reason is because of soemthign else, such as family constraints, proximity challenges, or something else that is out of the person's control, then, yes, they do....
Been on both sides of this (and you did a very good description of breaker-upper), and I am with you. Being breaker-uppee, at least you can blame someone else for how you're feeling. Breaker-upper, not so much.
In the best of situations, breaker-upper doesn't look back or pine. That is not true in my case.
I don't like both ends. Sigh.
realizing the person you're with is not the one for you is definitely shocking. having to act on that is very hard, especially if you are still fond of your SO but don't see it working out long term. I guess the breaker upper has the ability to decide, but it's not a easy thing to do...Â
as the breaking uppee, everything is basically decided for you. it just sucks that you didn't have your say in the matter.I've been on both sides of this and they're hard as hell. :\
In terms of which two sides are better, it all depends on the break-up. :\
it;s easier to be the breaker-upper. you get to walk away with more dignity. plus it feels more like you were in control of the situation. you can feel like it's something wrong with them instead of there being something wrong with you. that's how i feel
breaker-upper for sure, but both ways suck
Both ends suck!
Thank you for this post! I'm glad someone has acknowledged that being the break-upper is hard, too. Especially if you have been with the person for a long time, not being with them anymore is a huge adjustment and can still be devastating. I still cared for my ex, and to see him go through so much pain hurt me a lot as well.
Well, it depends.
If a person just ups and leaves his or her spouse/family after a number of years just because s/he doesn't "feel" like it any more and/or because of an affair, then no, that person doesn't deserve any sympathy at all. Some serious mental help and a few lessons on integrity are probably in order.
If a person leaves due to abuse or unfaithfulness, even after any number of years, then yes, s/he is worthy of sympathy.
For a dating relationship, then there could be sympathy on both sides depending on the situation. No sympathy for the abusive but dating is when the couple should be deciding if they like/love each other well enough to make a more serious commitment.
I'd rather be the breaker-uppee .
But it's still a horrible feeling =[
i don't break up with someone until i am well and truly sick of them...so it's always a feeling of overwhelming relief for a few months and recuperating seclusion when i finally dump them haha
Being the one that ends it is a little bit easier cause you have the sense of control. But it really depends on each case, doesn't it?
As a recent break-uppee, I appreciate this post. After our breakup, it was so easy for me to feel as though my EX no longer cared for me at all. But this post reminds me that our breakup doesn't erase the year of really great times that we shared together. It's not possible for him to just forget about me entirely, because I do believe that he meant it when he told me that he loved me. Getting my life back together is a lot easier when I can believe that what we had was good and true, that it was hard for him to walk away from it as well. I don't have to feel like yesterday's newspaper thrown out with the trash.
One of my previous girlfriends broke up with me after a little more than a year of dating. Within three days she was in a relationship with another guy. She stayed with him for over a year, so it wasn't just a rebound. She broke up with me to be with him. While my case may not be typical, I think that in most cases it's much easier for the dumper than the dumpee because, while the dumper may have regrets later, the dumpee has a long time to feel that he or she wasn't good enough. Thinking less about yourself is a lot worse than worrying if you made a wrong choice.
sometimes I wish that I was the breeak-uppie coz I believe they have it easier, they can just hate on the other person who broke up with then ya know and move on. but for the break-upper, like u said, sometimes u doubt urself if you've made the right decision or not. and how it hurts even more to let go with that person who u cared for for a long time.
breakin up is hard to do. aaahh! lol
it's never easy being either of those; you either feel guilt and confuse, or feel sad and heartbroken. Â however, I always wished it was the other party who did the breaking up because it would just be like ok and you move on without the whole did I make the right decision, or if you felt like you made the right decision the other person will end up making you feel like it wasn't the right decision. Â Ugh, it's complicated.
i think it depends on the situation.
i've been the dump-ee...i was blindsighted with it and it took me over a year to actually be okay with it...he was my first boyfriend. less than two months later he was madly in love with someone he worked with...and he married her shortly thereafter, the day before my birthday. it's clear to me that he dumped me for her, and it's probably true that since we were long distance and they weren't, he was probably fooling around with her in some way, shape or form prior to his actually breaking up with me. it sucked big time...it was like having my whole world turned upside down and shaken vigorously until everything i had known and believed and integrated into my life due to his influence was shaken loose and fell to the floor with a deafening thud.
very recently, i've been the dump-er. i tried to warn him...i tried so hard to tell him that he had all the controls in front of him and i only had one little button...but he was so distant and cold that i'm not sure he ever understood what i was trying to tell him. so i had to break up with him, and i think it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life because i did love him once and i have such close connections with his family and we have so many mutual friends...it was really the hardest thing ever. i was pretty convinced that he was hurting horribly and i broke him and etc...it hasn't been two weeks yet and i'm still taking anything midly romantically inclined VERY slowly so i might heal properly and all that jazz...and apparently he's very happy with another, whom he has begun dating recently.
maybe i'm just unlucky, but both ways have hurt so much and i'd really like to never do this again.
I don't like either end, honestly. The person who is getting broken up with - that seems harder because they're still all-for this relationship (usually); the other person has a head's up, because a) they're the ones doing the breaking up (duh) and b) because they've thought about it and considered what it's like without that person in their life.
But I do think both people deserve sympathy. Two of my really good friends were dating, and once they broke up, I felt sympathy for the girl because she had no idea it was coming - but I felt bad for my guy friend too, because she'd been treating him very poorly and he did miss her but he didn't want to be hurting anymore. So I felt bad for both...break-ups are never a good thing for either person. And usually the person doing the breaking up doesn't want to hurt the other person. Or I would hope not.
i think its easier for the break-upper.(the one that broke up with the other)
i just got out of a relationship where i was the break-uppie. i wish she never did leave me and i wish shed come back to me.
but from her myspace it just seems like shes doing just fine without me while im a wreck out here alone.
she says she thinks of me a lot and hates herself cause of how she made me feel but i dont know if thats true or not.
she says her love for me isnt how it used to.GOD i wish it was.
but anyways. read my recent blog. its all explained there kinda.
overall. i think its easier for the one that broke up with the other person.
Neither one is easy.
The phrase "This hurts me more than it is hurting you." sounds cliche but I've found it's true. Maybe not "this hurts me more" but it STILL hurts. I think mainly because you care about this person (or at least did) and know that they will blame you for a lot. So yes they DO deserve sympathy. (I'm saying this because I've only been the break upper.)
It's never easy being the one to break up the relationship; guilt, remorse and even a bit of resentment comes flying from all directions. At least the breakee can hate you for hurting them but you're not going to hate yourself for the decision YOU've made for whatever the reason may be right? People say honesty is the best case but it's not. You can't tell them WHY and sometimes you just can't... I think the person doing the breaking deserves sympathy too; we hurt just like anyone else, why are we bad for having to make a hurtful decision.
The only case where neither party hurts is if the breakee has been waiting to be broken up with because THEY didn't have the balls to do it either and knew YOU would. Even in that case, it's harder for the breaker since it's a painful experience.
A breakup is hard no matter which side you're on. If you're still talking with your recently made ex, it's harder on the breaker-upper since you have to help them out in this situation that you "initiated" and yet draw that line of being JUST friends. My advice, give them space even if they don't want any for both of your sakes so you don't have to pretend and try to be the supportive ex. You need time away so you don't HAVE to support them, the breakup is hard on you too, why do you need to be the 'good' person all the time?
i dunno...but the latest breakup i went through made me feel like he deserved sympathy too. we were together for a while, but then i moved halfway across europe. i wanted to break up when i left, and he didn't, but a few weeks later he kinda gave up...i know it wasn't easy on him either. it's not easy on me either, and i know taht if i was still there we'd still be together. at our breakup he told me that he loved me but he couldnt have a gf he cant kiss and be with every day. : (