Saturday, 15 November 2008
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Should I Be Friends with My Ex - The Father of My Kids?
This is a guest blog submitted by tequila_sky.
Help.I am going through a separation after 8 years. We have 3 kids.
I am the kind of person that once the relationship is over, it is exactly that: OVER. I really just cut off all ties with the ex: no phone calls, no emails, no birthday cards, no this, no that, no contact. I have never been able to get those people who somehow manage to be ''friends'' with their ex.
Now, this relationship breakup is different - there are kids involved.
He wants to be friends straight away, no waiting around, no time apart - just be friends. I have been in contact with him but his emails always end up with ''I love you'' or they may say things like ''I miss you and see you everywhere'' kind of thing. The problem with all these things he says? They confuse me. He certainly doesn't want to be with me, but he keeps saying he ''loves me'' and he will ''never be with another woman''. The whole thing makes me harbor hope...hope we might end up together.
I do not want to have hope and not be able to move on. I think it is best to cut off all ties at least for the next couple of months. But honestly, even after those months have passed, how can I be friends with him?
How do people manage to stay friends? How will it be when I am finally in a relationship and he is my so called ''friend''? And if I break up? Won't I call him all sad, and won't that make it all strange in the future? Won't we be more miserable? I don't know how to be friends with my ex. Any suggestions? Am I being immature for wanting to cut him off?
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Comments (41)
Hmm... I guess it's different with different people and situations. I know that being friends after a breakup with children involved is hard and it's rare to find people that do that.
My mom and dad couldn't stand each other when they were married. But now my dad is remarried with a baby and they are pretty good friends. Not everyone can do it.
you should always be friends because of the kids. But you will have to realize the boundaries you will need to have in order to not put yourself in a position that you think there is hope for a relationship rekindling. Take it one day at a time. Dont give it a time limit. I dont know about him, it kind of sounds like he is trying to have you think there will be hope in order for you to keep thinking like that. Manipulation #1!
This decision doesn't revolve any more what's better for you, but what's better for your kids. This is coming from someone who's parents split up and then watched her mother split up with a second father figure. You don't want to create a hostile situation around your kids, I really didn't feel too happy when things got ugly in my house. It is best that you keep the peace with your ex. You don't have to be REALLY GOOD friends, but friends enough that you can be in the same room and behave. Friends enough that when your kids are in trouble or sick you can come together for your children.
I would suggest talking to your ex about the messages and if you two still have both about having romantic relationship perhaps couple counseling? I don't know if they work, but you can give it a try.
how? they dont. its called child support. youre new lover may have kids and if you are partners; they will be your kids too? right? you dont get over your first love. get a new lover. have some more kids with your new lover. it will help you move on.
Honestly, I'd remain civil for the sake of the children, but it wouldn't go much past that. And by civil I mean letting him see the kids and staying involved in their lives while he stays out of my life and me out of his life.
Don't be fooled by sweet words or gestures. It ended for a reason, didn't it? Just keep reminding yourself of that and you'll be fine.
I say if you don't want to be friends, don't. But, for the sake of your kids, you'll have to have contact, so be civil.
Xo
I am divorced from my childrens father for 10 years now. He and I are good friends. It didn't automatically become that way, but we decided it's the only way it could be. We were friends before we were married, we thought we should be friends when we weren't any longer husband and wife. Our children benefit greatly because of it. His wife and i are also friends.
I'm not suggesting it will be easy.It was very difficult for us too. But putting away your pride for the well being of your children is something you will never regret--I guarantee it.Always be friends.
If you can't get along - and completely cut off all kinds of of communication..it will damage your kids
When children are involved is it for their best interest that their mother and father stay in good standings. You don't necessarily have to be best friends, but just good acquaintances. Just make sure you are on good terms with him if you can't force yourself into the friend deal. Not everyone can do it because it is a sensitive issue that may be too much of an emotional roller coaster.
As far as him sending letters or e-mails saying that he loves and misses you is in fact confusing, and very uncaring in his part. I take it that he is the one who broke the relationship, and he should not be saying those things to you. It's very unfair, and if he loved you and missed you, then why did he leave you in the first place? You need to confront him about this and tell him to stop it. It sounds to me like he is playing with your emotions. Just be careful and don't get hurt in the long run by getting your hopes up.
You have to. He's a part of your life FOREVER and EVER.
Be swift and casual for now till youre more comfortable. Dont go inside his own, dont let him inside yours. Meet at a neutral place, like a mall, grocery store parking lot....
He can be your friend but he doesnt have to be your GO TO guy. Maybe 20 years down the road he can be the shoulder you cry in.
i am friends with all my exs mostly because i was friends with them before i dated them, and i am friends, good friends with my kids dad, not only is it healthier for the kids for us to get along, but why wouldnt we want to? if you lived with this man for 8 years, you have to have some basis there that is friendship, you just have to sort through the hurt to get to it. time will be your friend. tell him you need space to heal and you will contact him when you are ready to be friends. but whatever you do, avoid bad mouthing him to the kids, they will only resent you for it in the end.
I think be honest with yourself, if you require time from him to forget and move on. By all means tell him that but work out a way that he will still see the kids as this is a problem between you and him It also maybe true he still love you and miss you. How could he not? He lived with you for 8 years and beautiful memories of three kids. But the love he may have you, may not be the type of love you wish for. Selfishly speaking, if you need to clarify this, speak to him honestly. But never bring your children into any disagreement between you two. Goodluck
If your Ex. is involved in the lives of your children, you owe it to them to be at least cordial to him, and I'd further say that you shouldn't denigrate him in the eyes of your children, either. What you should do is try to reconcile with him, as this would be the best arrangement for your children, but if not, if he is involvedi ntheir lives, if he is "Daddy" to them, yes, cordial at least, and no back-stabbing around the children when he isn't present. What you should do is find ways to build him up in the eyes of your children.......
When kids are involved, it's crucial to have both parents involved in their lives (for the sake of psychological damage), but just because the children needs a relationship with him does not mean that YOU have to have a relationship with him. I know divorced couples who have children that successfully interact with the kids w/o interacting with each other. Don't be "friends" with him, just have a mutal understanding with him (like child support, visitation time and etc.). If he really loves you and wants you THAT much, he wouldn't be apart from you. No matter what a man says, if his actions don't match, it's not the truth. I mean, would you believe a guy that constantly beats his wife but when she tries to leave, he tells her that he loves her?! Bottom line, a man who truly loves his wife will not beat her. If it's an innate problem, he will learn to change with therapy and become better FOR her (action). Sorry to say hunnie, but action speaks louder than words.
Oh and I agree..I really don't know how some ppl are still friends with their ex either. Most relationships end bitterly. It takes a lot of love to hate, but once you hate, you can never go back to love (for me anyways).
What is the reason of the separation?
Is he with anyone now?
Are you with anyone now?
the only think link u and ur ex is the kids, thats it. not love, not for old time sake and definitely not "we should give it one more try". Only the kids. So why do u want him to be apart of ur life ? just make sure he get to spends time with the kids, u get to spend time with the kids and maybe one a week or every fortnight u,him and the kids go out as a "family" without new wife/gf or new husband/bf...so that the kids know their mom and dad are still there for them.
as for ur own love life...just move on...one can never really be "friends" if u have kids 2gether...when do have kids with their "friend" ?
say you want to be friends. tell him not to say i love you and such, because it is over. your children are the reason you are friends.
youre not being immature. you're being mature actually. you just need to find a way to tell him.
good luck
Since children are involved, I say just keep it as cordial as possible. If you know in your heart of hearts that reconciliation between you two is impossible, then just try to keep it as "professional" as you can in spite of the circumstances.
You aren't being immature to want to cut him off. Your ex is the one being immature and irrational if he thinks friendship is possible right now AND that he keep dropping you "I love you" lines when you know he doesn't truly mean it.
Just do what you think is right for you and your children.
Do whatever you think is best for the kids. The kids!
When me and my ex husband split we said "we need to be friends, real friends for our son" and darn if we didn't try like crazy! !3 yrs later we are very good friends! I pick him up from a trip, he has stayed at my house, we fight etc. BUt all in all it has benefitted my son. He says "Mom, I didn't realize till now how much you and dad have tried to be friends for me. I am so glad. It is never weird feeling" that to me was priceless. Kids do know when the parents hate each other and are faking it! SO if you can love him for who he is in your life now, t will be better in the long run. *Please don't think I am trying to say every relationship is like this one, it's not. My daughter's dad and I are still friends but thats because he still wants to get me in bed after 18 yrs :) so they are all different*
what you will need to do first is tell him you need some time... you will need time to process all of your feelings, and whether he likes it or not, sorry but take care of you. then you will need to come up with a plan; a plan of when & how he will see the kidsm (certain times & days for phonecalls, how & when he will pick them up) then you will need to lay down the rules... tell him what you want & do not want out of the "friendship". if you do not lay down the rules men will just do whatever the hell they want in this situation (sorry guys!). good luck. been there, done that... TWICE! i am a pro by now. lol.
You know, you can be friendly without being friends. Until you're past him, limit contact and communication to the kids only. Like, when he gets to see them, so on and so forth. Tell him no more of the "love" talk, and nothing personal. It's much easier to be friends when you're over them. But until you are, trying to be friends is like giving yourself mixed signals. Until you can put him firmly in the friends only category, you can't be friends. Simple as that. But you also can't cut all contact because of the kids. So limit your interactions to the kids. Resist the urge to share your personal life, and tell him you don't want to hear his. One day you'll wake up and it'll be okay, but until that point...well, limiting your relationship with him is the best way to go. Anything else will cause unnecessary hurt.
-Katie
i'm sorry. i meant to say sorry about your divorce. it sucks. and it is always hard... and especially now getting used to a whole new life after all those years. very sorry. *hugs*
Wow. :( I'm sorry about your situation.
Since there are kids involved, I say try to be cordial with him. He is the father of your kids after all. Also, if you feel uncomfortable with him saying "I love you" so much, make sure you tell him that. :\ You can't just cut him off like that. It wouldn't be fair to the kids. :(