This is a guest blog submitted by Liera. My relationship failure is a classic case of ignoring the red flags. Sometimes when you are in love or you've been together for so long, you tend to rationalize away the red flags, (read: warning signs) that things are going downhill.
Things couldn't possibly be that bad, we can work it out, maybe I'm the one to blame, he wouldn't do that to me . . . and the excuses go on.
Red flag #1: He stops trying to woo/court you.In the latter part of junior year and thereafter, he started focusing on himself and his career more than making me feel like his GF. Our sophomore year, he used to send me these little playing cards with personalized messages written on them about how he was thinking about me, but I stopped receiving those. He never wrote on my Facebook wall or commented on my Xanga anymore. He rarely said "I miss you" or "I love you" because, in his words, "they can be assumed to be true." He stopped doing the little things that made me feel special. In return, I tried to be more understanding that internship searching was stressful for him and he was taking some tougher classes. You gotta stick by the person through thick and thin, right? Ah, my naïveté was so obvious. When you have to be too "understanding" about too many of his "shortcomings," something is wrong. I compromised too much of my own worth and dignity to be with him.
Red flag #2: He cheats on you.The ideal breakup opportunity would've been November of last year when I found out he had cheated on me for the first time. If I had dumped his ass then, I wouldn't have been around for the second cheating incident this summer (with a different girl, mind you) and would've saved myself the grief the second time around. He has proven that a cheater will always be a cheater, and ladies, if your man has cheated on you once, I highly highly doubt he will reform and be loyal to you again, so kick his sorry ass to the curb immediately. Don't be stupid and forgiving like me. I wanted to believe so badly that he had made a careless error, that he still cared about me, and wouldn't do it again like he promised. Again, classic rationalizing of crazy GFs who just don't see the reality.
Red flag #3 : He lied about it / didn't come clean about it.So not only did he cheat on me twice, he didn't tell me about it either time. The first time, I found out through more honest people who knew him, and the second time, through good old-fashioned snooping. Lying is worse than the cheating itself. It shows disrespect, arrogance and a plain disregard for the feelings of the other person. He wanted to keep me in "blissful ignorance" both times, because he was afraid that I would break up with him if I found out (wow, genius). No matter how much you trust your man, some snooping once in awhile is justified just to keep him on his toes and so you don't find out when it's too late. If he has nothing to hide, he should be happy to show you everything. If he's wary about being open about his e-mails, cell phone records, text messages, then that's a huge red flag.
Red flag #4: He refuses to change his behavior despite your voicing your concerns.I had a gut instinct that something wasn't right back in June, around when he started liking the girl this summer. I don't know how I knew, but I just knew. I confronted him, and he put on a big show of explaining how there was nothing going on between them; they were just co-workers carpooling together, just the two of them, to work every day. He was helping her move because she forced him into it (by then, he had perfected red flag #3: lying). There was nothing that I could do to talk him out of it. Even telling him that I felt uncomfortable with the situation didn't make him change his behavior -- he simply didn't care how I felt. In fact, he made me feel guilty about being suspicious and accused me of being controlling when he knew all along that he was deceiving me. From now on, I'm not even going to bother to wait for the explanation. If I get that gut instinct again, it's over.
Red flag #5: He wasn't creating a tangible plan to end the long distance. This is a shout-out to my LDR readers. Coming from someone who did it for almost 5 years, trust me, it's not worth it. I regret more things than I actually gained from it. If you have no choice but to do LD for awhile, make sure to make concrete plans to get OUT of LD. Don't just say, "oh, we'll be together in a year or two" and leave it to fate. Jerry had promised me since the beginning that we'd be together after graduation from college. Every year was a countdown. We both dreamed of the day when we could be together in the same city. And yet, we both didn't make solid plans to do so. He assumed he'd convince me to move out to LA, I assumed he was working to find a job in NY. Yeah, didn't happen. That promise of his was just one of many empty promises he made to keep me hoping and attached. When both parties don't put in the effort to be together eventually (and not just say it), then the relationship is doomed.
I will probably think of other red flags as I continue to analyze what went wrong. I hope that somewhere out there, someone else in my situation, will realize there's a red flag in their relationship and leave before they get more hurt. We don't deserve this.
If you've ever experienced a failed relationship, what are some of the red flags that you saw (and perhaps ignored initially)?
Comments (160)
I'm also going to suggest that No. 2 is in fact No. 1.
No. 5 should be lack of a tangible plan for the future, period. I mean, it doesn't have to be detailed. But if your SO is never ever going to move the relationship onward (moving in, engagement, marriage, etc.), then know that you are being used as a giant pacifier.
I think those are some potential/likely show stoppers. Imo, red flags come in smaller doses, like how he's been married a few times already, or he shows possessiveness, or... well I'm particular maybe.
He cheats on you is a bit more than a red flag...
Whats next he cuts your brake lines? He tries to poison your coffee? He leaves the toliet seat up?
"No matter how much you trust your man, some snooping once in awhile is
justified just to keep him on his toes and so you don't find out when
it's too late."
No. It's NEVER justified to snoop. If you don't ask, we won't tell. That's how it works. If a guy does that to you, you'd think he's a jerk and break up with him. Fuck this double-standard.
Invasion of privacy is wrong. PERIOD. Especially if you're doing it to "keep him on his toes". That just makes you sound like a bitch.
Some of this was sound advice, but that, that's just wrong.
I think you should put a caveat at the end of #3 concerning "snooping." You shouldn't just snoop to snoop. That only indicates that you don't trust him even if he's given you no reason to doubt him. If you want to ask to see his emails, his phone/txt records, etc... you should have a darn good reason for it. And you should share it with him. And give him an opportunity to explain himself.
On the other hand... we women need to trust our instincts from the very start of a relationship. If there's something not right or something missing -- don't start up with him. It'll only lead to immense disappointment and guilt down the line.
Here's one: When the relationship starts turning into nothing but hanging out at each other's house/apartment and having sex and/or fooling around. As in that's basically all that happens. No movies, no going on walks in the park, etc etc. When it started happening, we were about 1 or 2 months away from breaking up, and I didn't really think much about it until after it happened. Basically, we couldn't enjoy doing anything together except for sex-related activities because there wasn't anything there anymore but lust.
Another red flag I didn't really think about (and it was in the same relationship as above) was when he started asking for his stuff back...I had his hoodie and some other stuff of his that he slowly started to ask back from me. That wasn't really him being an ass, but it was a sign I missed. We had been together for awhile too-a year and a half.
I've not been cheated on that I'm aware of, but I'm really sorry that it had to happen to you. People can be such assholes, seriously.
Guhhh I remember numbers one and five. The cute stuff stopped and he blamed it on being too busy/tired/etc. And then he couldn't afford to come see me for awhile. Number five wouldn't have been a big deal (he was/is only 19 so yeah i could understand) if it hadn't been for number 1. He broke up with me a month after number one started. Ugh.
One of the red flags that I ignored was when he woudnt return my calls. I asked him why, his answer was "I was too lazy". HAHAHHA Duh. He was too lazy to put any effort into our relationship. Took me far too long to get rid of him. Even then, I had to wait until I was cheated on before I decided that it was best to move on.
number 1 could b a dead giveaway its going to end soon. He used to drive me nuts with the I love yous every minute but than just one day they stopped coming out as often. We were doing a ldr so i also noticed the decrease in phone calls and the ability to call me back. It hurt but now i realize it was all for the better, and your right ldr are not worth the wait and pain.
I'm with Schristian about the snooping thing. I don't think it's ever justified...
Number 2 was a potential red flag. He cheated on me and decided he wanted to be with the girl he cheated with me on. But, after finding out he had been in a relationship, she refused him. The worst part is I offered to take him back. He did say no.
@Curse_of_Greyface@xanga - haha.
#1 isn't necessarily a red flag. People get busy. Especially in college, when (as an engineering student, I can tell you from experience) sometimes you don't have time to sleep. It depends a lot on the relationship, and it's very hard to generalize something like that into a red flag, I think.
gawdddd
this makes me so paranoid.
If you really feel the need to snoop... That's a red flag. It either shows you don't trust him, or he's doing something to warrant it.
@Curse_of_Greyface@xanga - I loled.
Yea if you found out he cheated on you twice what more do you need? Staying with him after that was probably one big mistake you made
Sorry but just because he does not treat you the same as he did when you first started dating does not mean that it is a reg flag.
Girls ( being I know because I am one), tend not to put forth any effort in the start because we are always the ones being chased or courted by the guys. So we do not do those sort of things, send flowers, cards ect. BUT ever think you changed too. You cant expect a guy to come up with random or cute romantic gestures or be like it was when he was trying to say " hey look at me, consider me, date me, love me". It wanes because he knows hes got your attention, he has you, and he has your love. So he does not need to work for them anymore. Also perhaps he grew up realizing internet messages are petty and really don't mean anything " unless hes getting I love you from strange people or lets fuck".. And perhaps he thinks because hes shown you so many times he loves you he does not need to say it all the time.
if he was giving you too many things or constantly smothering you with comments and i love you's and talking too much about the future ( or not in the way you want it to pan out) then your not happy and it is a flag.
turn it around.
You not bringing it up could mean he thinks your not wanting to move or that you dont want to talk about it because you wont move to LA. I do not justify cheating but perhaps he felt you were lacking on the minimial gf requirements we have.
I feel bad for your bf really.
and no not always once a cheater always a cheater.
if someone cheats multiple times and with different relationships yes. or constantly goes beyond boundaries yes or close to the cheating line alot yes.
and he may not seen the signs with girl. and he probably just thought you were too jealous.
maybe you pushed him away.
im still ignoring mine. he lied to me about going to jail, he has probably lied to me about cheating on me and lied about what he does with his life. oh and now we don't even talk and its so confusing because i dont know if we are together or not, and no matter what i do i care about him, i dont want to but i can't stop. i hate this...
Red flag #1. Those affection letters are kind of a natural thing to have them stop later on in the relationship. From both party. There's not much of a higher need to show off to the other person. They should still be showing affection every now and then though.
Red flag #2. Once a cheater always a cheater, not true. I know people who have cheated before and will never do that again. Not everyone is the same.
Red flag #3. I will not look at his cellphone or e-mails, and I'm not going to give him a reason to cheat on me because he feels that I don't trust him. Trust is a major aspect in a relationship and if it's not there, then it's bound to fail.Gut instects are good, but sometimes they're wrong.
#4!!!! Goodness.
My ex let this girl move in with him because her fiance was at boot camp and she was "lonely". I expressed my discomfort, but he always assured me it was fine. They were inseperable. Even had the same job, and when he quit, she followed. Then she started sleeping in the same bed. He said that she slept at one end of the futon and he at the other and it was actually uncomfortable... Yeah right....
No less than weeks after he dumped me she told him she loved him and they've been together ever since. Now she's convinced him to move to another state and they're having a baby.
Should have put my foot down before...
Great list!
Wow. Great insight. I'm sorry this happened to you but I feel like you came out a stronger & wiser person from this experience. I love how you're taking the positive route.. I know it's not easy. Congratulations~ & please keep it up for those who need that inspiration. :)
As someone in a long distance relationship, my boyfriend & I have communicated about closing the gap as I plan on moving in the next year or two [not just words]. I almost did this year but the interview never occurred or I would have. I do believe LDRs could work but there's that need for explicit & efficient communication. I feel like assumptions are too dangerous & I'd rather have it out in the open if I'm unsure. I demand that. :P My boyfriend says the same about "missing you" is a given but I've told him that it doesn't mean the girl doesn't like hearing it & so he's starting to work on it. I guess part of the way he does that is because of his Korean nature. -___-" I hate it.
Numero cinco~
We had no definite plans. Every time I asked him what we would do, he pushed it away. He'd say stuff like, "We'll worry about it when we get there."
Shoot...
Well, I'm in another LDR. xD (I tend to prefer LDR, I can handle a few hours away and it gives us a reason to let us do what we need to do.) As long as I get to talk to him at the end of the day to see what's up. Anyways, he's on the other side of the pond. But it's good, because we have definite plans when I see him again. =)
The "he"s can be changed to "she"s and it'd work too.
I hate number 3 and 4 so much.
totally agree with ur #1 and #5!
my last relationship didnt work out mainly for those reasons. he stopped being romantic though i know the love is there, he just wasnt showing it much. and the fact that he was in Texas and im here in NY, he needed to put more effort because i sure did.
but ur red flags are pretty much on the dot!