Thursday, 13 November 2008
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We Broke Up 4 Years Ago And I'm Still Not Over It
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.First off, let me say this: I know I'm not perfect, but I make do with what I have.
It's been 4 years since my ex and I broke up (not mutually; she ended it) and I still can't get over her. Every time I try to meet someone new, they always never fail to disappoint me (and I really mean NEVER). When they disappoint me, I always think back to how everything between my ex and I were perfect.
Let me give a little background: so we went to high school together but we never spoke despite having classes together. We started talking after we both graduated and attended our separate colleges. When we were together, everything was great; I would never be able to bring myself to be mad at her or make her mad because making her cry or hurt is the worst thing I feel I can do. We literally can finish each other's sentences and thoughts. I actively participated in her religion and respected the rules she had to abide by; I was actively practicing it, too, because it was so important to her - basically no sex and nothing too showy clothing-wise.
Now I go to school in upstate NY and she goes to school in NYC. Every time we were apart, we would argue, mainly because of her deteriorating health. She would refuse to see a doctor, giving me excuses of its high price tag (which I said I would pay for), or she'd just say she went and the doctor told her it was nothing. But I can see that she throbs in pain - she fainted once and another time I had to carry her back home because she felt so weak. I would argue that she needed to take care of herself, but she would disagree and every time we argue, things got blown out of proportion. But still, we worked through it.
I was engaged to her 2 days before Christmas and we broke up 2 days before Valentine's Day. We broke up because of all the arguments, and the day that we broke up, she was at a church member's house - this person was "pushing" (aiding) her in breaking up with me.
After we broke up, we still talked and were about to get back together. But we still continued to argue because I still cared too much, so she just wanted to stop being friends altogether. We haven't kept in touch ever since, except every year, I'd call her to say happy birthday. One year I found out many stories that would make anyone in my position angry. She had sex with her BF after me, dressed promiscuously, and violated every rule that she said she respected from church and wanted me to respect. It anger me and led me to question what happened to everything...and most importantly, what happened to her? But the truth of the matter is no matter how angry I get, at the end of the day, whenever I think of everything that we had, I still love her.
To this day, I still love her no less than the day we were engaged or even the day before we broke up. But to her I am non-existent except just a asinine memory.
I've told this story to my friends...they're infuriated and all feel that I can use this anger to move on. But you know the line, "There is a thin line between hate and love."
But it's been 4 years now. I can't seem to forget her; I can't seem to move on. Every time I try, I just go back to thinking about her and start crying (yes, a guy can cry, and yes I admit it).
So it boils down to this question: is there any way of actually moving on?
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Comments (76)
wow thats crazy; move on but you never forget your first....to quote Garth from the movie WW:
"Get over it and go out with someone else."however it is not always that easy. its sometimes a long hard road to find someone else and to fully love them; so walk hard.Oh gawd. Let it go. There's nothing more unattractive than a guy who can't let go of his ex. If you're talking about her to your friends and writing posts like these, obviously you're not trying hard enough to move on. Get out there and date other people.
Unofortunatly you never stop loving someone but falling out of love is possible. hmm why cant it be both
What your feeling is normal. Its one thing to lose a lover but to lose a best friend is by far worse.
There's no sense in holding on to something that isn't holding on to you. You may care about her, but don't confuse that for love. Just let her go, you're missing out on someone great. And that someone great, is missing out on you, too.
I'm not sure if there is a way to move on when you know deep down that you still love someone. And people saying, "Just move on!" doesn't help, either.
One thing that helps, though, is having a more realistic perspective of your relationship. When we're feeling nostalgic and lonely, we often like to idealize a flawed relationship. You say you two were "perfect," but you clearly weren't. She clearly had issues with control. You were giving so much of yourself to a point of co-dependence. If she was able to let someone convince her to break up with you, she clearly didn't love you as much as you thought you loved her. Bottom line: There was something about your dynamic that did not and could not work. And it's not even because of anything that's "wrong" with either one of you. It's the two of you together that couldn't work out.
I feel for you, though, when you say that you can't help but continue to love her. I've given myself every reason to hate my ex or feel indifferent toward him, but I know that deep down I still love him and care for him. I might always will, even if he were to forget me altogether. Some people, like you and I, just feel things at a deeper level, I guess. But maybe the key isn't to force yourself to stop loving someone. It's figuring out a way to live without them.
And the first step of doing that, I think, is focusing entirely on YOU. Your entire summary of your relationship was all about things you wanted to do for your ex while you were together, and mentions nothing of what your needs were. What do you want for yourself?
4 years and still not over it, you have a problem.
Obviously you were not the one for her. Try to let go of the pain; it's not easy, but that's what's best for you.
wow. there are girls who's looking for a guy just like you. and there's girls who throws it out like its nothing.
anyways, of course you can move on. anyone can. its the matter of fact getting over her. and the more you try, the less likely it'll happen. i mean, eventually you'll get over her. just set your attention to something else and keep yourself occupied.
Every time I try to meet someone new, they always never fail to disappoint me (and I really mean NEVER). <~ You shouldnt use your EX as the standard for comparison. And I personally think you're putting her up on a pedastal. I understand that you can feel like you guys were perfect for each other. (I thought so too about my ex) But once you take them down from the pedastal, they're just like anyone else.
Here are some advice that my BFF told me: 1. What can he (my ex) give you that the next guy cant?! Flowers? Happiness? Laughs? What?! (I couldnt think of anything). 2. Why would you give this person a 2nd chance when you can give this chance to someone else? (I know this is somewhat irrelevant) But it's true - why dwell on the past? Don't hold on to your past because it's only going to make you miserable and unhappy. If you continue to think she's the best... then she will be the best that you'll ever have. Because you're keeping her up THERE, then there is no way ANY OTHER girl will come close to comparison. I'm not saying lower your standards, but you need to readjust the way you feel about your ex.
The most selfless thing someone can do is continue to love the other person but not neccessarily have to be with them. Theres no use moping about what you THINK could've been. I know moving on and letting go is hard -- but in the end, it'll end your misery. I had to move on & let go of my ex... I was with him since I was 16 (10 yrs). If I can do it, you can too. :o) Good Luck!
First of all, if everything were perfect between you and your ex, you would still be together today (so don't reflect back and think so. When you do, you are LYING to yourself). While you dwell in the past, you really miss out on the present, meaning, you can't enjoy it. Don't ever compare other women to your ex. We all have something wonderful to offer, it's just not the same thing [as the ex's]. When you keep on comparing life and love to another, you miss out on the true quality in yourself and others. I don't think this is so much about your ex, but your own fear of finding someone better. I never dwell on my exes, I use them as a lesson in life and go on to find better. "A truly wonderful and great woman appreciates an equally strong man because behind every great man will stand a great woman." Perhaps you should find yourself first before going on. There is no such thing as "perfect" love, just good love. Good love has its ups and downs, but the difference is that no matter what, at the end, it stands. If it doesn't, it wasn't good love. Know that difference and go on. Have confidence, strive for something new, who knows? You might even fall in love with it.
@kaleidescopeeyes88@xanga - OMG
Thank you for typing out all of that so I didn't have to! The nostalgia
factor is hardly ever recognized. It took me a long time before I
realized that my ex and I weren't 'perfect' like I remember. Far from
it really! Well said!
and dude... stop calling her. just evacuate her from your life. part of the game
I just love that everyone is hammering this
guy with the same advice. Like.. this feels like a story that has been
told over and over by this guy and everyone is tired of hearing it. We
all have our own break up saga and they are all just a piece of our
lives. Stop telling the story and file it away as a chapter of your
life that is over. Word.
@Ill_Cut_You@xanga - I know right? Nothing wrong with feeling nostalgic about a close relationships. Just giving out Dr. Phil style answers of "GET OVER IT" doesn't work.
As cliche as it sounds, time heals all wounds. Obviously she had a big impact on your life so I don't expect you to forget about her, but you do need to stop sabotaging all your future relationships because of her. Try to just learn some of the lessons you gained from being with her and distract yourself with other things. After a while of not thinking about her and gaining some more perspective your feelings will change, I promise.
p.s. Don't be ashame of crying. Just because we're guys doesn't mean we can't feel sadness.
you have to accept it. that's the first thing. until then, you can't even get over it. just accept tehre was something wrong and it wasn't meant to be. after that, moving on and such will start to be okay, but you don't have to rush out and start dting. find something you like to do, or try to do something. learn to be okay with what happened, oky with thats its not your fault, oky tht your a good person nd cn be stron without her and you will be okay.
*my a key doesn't lwys work.
maybe it's not over. sometimes i like to refer to The Notebook story romance. :]
awww im sorry. Im sorry you cant be with the one you love.
Keep doing what youve been doing. Time...whether it comes sooner or later, it will do its job.
Try not to think of her. Dont relive those times in your head.
By you putting out extra effort in the girls you meet, youll be able to see the "perfectness" that you once saw in love.
Good luck!
Move on... the best to do it is find something you like to do... I found bowling and it kept me away of thinking a lot of relationship issues... I hope you can find something that you're really interested in as a hobby... Meet more new people... Go on a date...
You live for yourself... not for another person... (it may sound selfish but this is what you should do)
she forced you to follow her religious rules and now she's the first breaking it out. Then all the problems with her you cited.
The fact that she broke up could explain that you are still in love with her. But this does not necessarily means that your views on people you're meeting are negative.
Instead it could mean that you haven't find the right one. No need to be in love to understand it. Just give yourself time and don't date girls "hoping" to fall in love. Just date them for the joy of enjoying their company.
In my country we say: if are roses, they'll bloom.
i bet you won't regret you broke up...come on, repeat after me:
breaking up was the best thing happened to me...breaking up...
A memory is just like a switch. If you turn it on make sure you turn it off. I'm sure most of us understand what you're going through. I too understand, it's hard to let go the "perfect one" but you also have to be happy.
Hopefully you're her wish upon a star and maybe just maybe you'll both be together once again.
I truly understand where you are coming from, sometimes you may think about whether or not that person was the "one"... it is also equally frustrating when people hear about your story and give you a quick answer, asking you to turn your anger into something positive. In my honest opinion the only thing you can do is find love again. You will in your life time meet someone who can heal your heart. Once you meet that person you'll understand that there is a brighter future.
We shall not cling onto whatever used to be.
A way to move on? Don't use your ex as an excuse because of other female's dissappointments - we are not all perfect & yes, it is an excuse because everything leads back to her& how she was so perfect for you.
It's going to be hard. It will be hard, man I had feelings for a guy for three years before we dated and then we were not together for three years. We dated for eleven months and three weeks. I kept a hold of him and talked to him all the time after we broke up. Because I loved him. I know how you are feeling. But he was playing with my head at the time.
But I didn't give up everything for hoping that he will come back. I always kept my outlook out there looking for someone else. I even helped two of my friends get over their major break ups they were with their boyfriends for two years. what did my eleven months have comparing to them. I kept telling them, "Quit staring at that door hoping it will open because you never know when the one will open right behind you." Take that quote to heart, "Quit stairing at the door in front of you. Wishing and hoping it will open because you never know when the one right behind you. Of another beautiful girl a girl that could perhaps be the one you are suppose to be with will open. Because she won't keep it open very long."
Try to date, hang out with girls as friends and then perhaps ease in a relationship with someone. don't keep stairing at the door.
4 years? Yeesh.
You need to get laid.
hmmmm, this is a toughie.
You can move on, but you can still hold onto all the precious memories you had with her. With that said, you can't hold every single girl you meet to "her" standard. Everybody is different in their own way and by continuing to picture everybody to be that "perfect" gf you once had isn't a healthy way to move on.
The moving on part is mostly a thing you have to deal with. everybody will always have something different to say and something to do,, but it all boils down to yourself.
she's not coming back. and you likely deserve better than what she's become.
memories are great for cherishing, but that's all they are... memories. put those memories in a box for a while and forget about them. move on.. don't compare people to the ideal of her (since you're clearly not comparing them to the reality of her) and slowly, you'll see there there are many others out there who exceed your expectations.
I believe it's hard to move on. I haven't moved on from my ex and I was with him 3 years ago. I'm trying to move past it though. There are other people out there and I'm not going to stop myself from being with them because of a memory from the past.