This is a guest blog submitted by shamelesslyred.Being a single woman with kids (divorced 9 years), I don't date as a matter of rule. Dating while raising children, in my experience, is problematic and literally filled with more headaches than I have the energy for. Besides that...I have been dreaming of a particular man for years. He was only a figment of my prayers and of my heart. I had no idea from where he would come, or IF he would. No idea what he might look like, how short or tall, how thin or thick. I decided it wouldn't matter. It was his brain, his faith, his humor, his commitment to family and his convictions...a commonality that I thought I would recognize in him To use the ideal yet counterproductive term I have a love/hate relationship with, a SOULMATE. (blah! ) Until now, he has remained without an identity in my life. Until now.
Last week, a man that I dearly love kissed me...(yeah, it was like that)
I have known him officially for almost 7 years. I would have put his name in the "best friends" column of my life. I admire his sense, and his insensibilities. His candor, strength of character, wit, brain (entirely too smart), his faith, and his uncanny need to argue a point, always respectively dignified -- then again, sometimes not. He's the kind of guy that could sell anything. I'm sure he could talk a person out of their shoes in the dead of winter. His qualities have given him the nickname "Hardcore" amongst his friends. I also know most of his weaknesses. His flaws are many, but his strengths counter every one leaving him on the side of decidedly GOOD. He is loved by many and despised by few. I admire him. I wish I were more like him in many ways...although I keep that to myself.
I love him, but until now, I have never considered it more than a lapse of judgment of my brain, and quickly put the thought away. Loving him can't be right. RIGHT?
Alas, fate couldn't be more strange. Or cruel! This man that I love, admire, and would count as a cherished ally and friend asked me to marry him. Who he is presents problems in my life. The longer I think it over, the more obstacles I find. What would you do if you loved someone for all the right reasons, but there was ONE very big problem that could overcome any thought of happiness?
What's the problem, you wonder? He's my cousin. More precisely, my first cousin once removed (
Google it if you're as confused as I was).
WHAT DO I DO???
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Comments (87)
If you aint having kids go for it. I have second cousins who have done that, and they were first cousins. Its ok. Its not like he's your brother.
The Roosevelts were the same, am I right? seriously no big.i'd say go for it! first cousin once removed doesnt sound like hes super related.. ? then again i know nothing on the subject of love dont listen to me xD
In the end, the option is all up to you. Do what your heart desires.
Go for it!
The answer is simple, but hard. That relationship is simply too close a one for romance and marriage. It would be illegal, immoral (for you are family, and it would thus be incest), and possibly dangerous biologically for any children you may conceive. I'm no expert on this, but I think that a relationship would be pretty obviously wrong. You're already family -- you should still love him on that level! But more than that is overstepping boundaries that are there for a reason. Do your children know? If they're too young right now, how do you think they'd feel in the future to find out? Please, please don't make the wrong decision! I'll be praying for you.
Does it feel right? At the end of the day, no one's going to care. What only matters if you are happy and content.
P.S. My comment is based on my understanding that legally the closest relative one can marry is one's third cousin. Going by the chart you provided in the link, first cousin once removed looks much closer than that.
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Depending on what ethnicity you are and state you're in, this might be more common than you might think.
Sounds like you already know what you are going to do, though.
I *like the "Do what your heart desires" advice. Just replace "first cousin once removed" with "brother" and see how *helpful that advice is.
@Dameon Starwind - Did I post a chart?
@Dameon Starwind - Just FYI. The iffy area is first cousin marriage, where some states allow it. Some states don't. I don't think third cousin is even mentioned.
http://www.ncsl.org/programs/cyf/cousins.htm
Well if it's legal and you don't feel too weird about it, I would say go for it. Doesn't seem like you're super related. Those type of things happen more than you think. My Filipino friends always say that all Filipinos are related to one another, which is why it's hard for them to find a Filipino girl at times haha
If you are willing to look beyond all of society's expectations (basically, what would your family think? and what does HE think??) then go for it.
Good luck! Let us know how it works out!
@James__007@xanga - thanks for the link
@Dameon Starwind - Actually, modern science doesn't agree with the states that have prohibitions against cousin marriages. Also, biblically speaking, jacob and rachael were first cousins. There are many many examples...but thanks for your prayers
Oh man! This reminds me of when these two people fell in love..and then their parents fell in love with each other..Lol! Ah, first cousin? Did you know he was your cousin a long time ago? I would feel awkward..but if it makes you happy, right???
@immaairheadxl@xanga - i knew him (barely) 19 years ago. He just came back into our lives 7 years ago quite unexpectedly. And yeah, he makes me happy. Even before i knew he loved me, he was a great friend.
@ShamelesslyRed@xanga - i mean.. when did you find out you guys were cousins?? did you know seven years ago?
I've never replied to what people post, but this, I feel the need to say something.
Just as you said, "Biblically speaking Jacob and Rachael were first cousins." And, yes, there are many examples. What's interesting is that many many people now freak out at the thought of first cousins marrying each other, when the practice ended not too long ago. And, people usually ascribe it to "uneducated" or "backwards" people, but practically the whole world has done it (even Europe). And, as someone else stated above, it depends what ethnicity you're from to see how people react to this.
My point is that, if you look up the statistics and stuff, to get a biological mishap, there needs to be constant intermarriages within the family for several generations. however, if you're still worried about that, you can get medically tested (to see if it's okay to mix bloods).
my sister married our first cousin. yes, it was a weird concept (although we only met them once), since we were raised with "an american views" (although islamically, it is permissible--there are relatives you can and cannot get married to) but in the end you have to evaluate your own beliefs.
Big points:
1. why do you like him?
2. are you afraid to marry him because it is socially unaccepted?
3. Is it religiously unacceptable for you?
4. are you afraid b/c people talk about the biological effects? (make sure to investigate this for your own self)
now, take all of that and see how you feel. although, personally, i would say you guys aren't even that close, lol, although i'm biased.
i hope i've helped a little.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - yes i did.
i think, the first thing to be considered is that can you both stand the reaction of your family and friends. Some of them may be freaked out and strongly oppose your relationship. Can you both tolerate that? and the second is if you're planning to have your own children. That really matters too.
please think wisely so that you wont regret.
Bless you =]
@Dameon Starwind - I've been reading through these comments and I noticed that you mentioned that this relationship would be immoral.
I just have one question, on what grounds?
Marriage between cousins is not only legal in many states in the US, but in almost every country on the planet. The Bible not only allows this sort of relationship but actually condones it. And I have actually read many studies showing that there is no significant difference between the health in children between cousins and those of non-cousins.
Also, according to the human genome project there are no two people on the planet earth that are further than 50th cousins.
Throwing away any attempt at not appearing hostile, I have to be blunt. Beware of labeling things you do not personally agree with as "immoral" just dont agree with them and call it a day.
You can respond to this, but this is the last comment I'm making to you.
@arabianqueen@xanga - This is a really educated an insigtfull comment.
@Jonathan@xanga - Thank you!