Wednesday, 12 November 2008
-
Dude, You've Been Friend Zoned - Now Stop Driving By My House.
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I have a friend that I've known for years. He is one of those people that wiggled his way into my life, uninvited. This isn't to say I don't appreciate his friendship, just that I never actively sought it out. He was always right there, popping up randomly and refusing to let the friendship die.
The problem came when he told me he was in love with me. This was a complete shock, because I had never considered him more than a friend and never will. At the time, I had already started a serious relationship with another guy (Joe). I told That Guy that I was going to be with Joe and that I valued our friendship too much to ever complicate it by trying a relationship. I said that he should move on and be happy.
The years between then and now have been littered with incidents involving That Guy. Other friends and family members have caught him circling the cul-de-sac in front of my house late at night. He always spied on my boyfriends (without my asking him to, and without my permission!) and reported back to me with every inkling of suspicion he had, even though most of them were largely unfounded and often pulled out of thin air. He always tried to cause trouble in my relationships, trying to convince me the guys in my life weren't good enough and listing every flaw they had to try to prove it. He's sent me flowers on Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day. He buys me Christmas presents (although I never return the favor - not to be mean, but intentionally to not give him the wrong idea again!) He would stop over at my house unannounced, and if I wasn't home, he would visit with my family until I returned. He befriended my grandparents and visits them frequently, thereby getting invited to all family functions such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. My entire family loves him and always asks about him. He has made himself, literally, inescapable.
It culminated a year ago when he brought his feelings to my attention again. I got frustrated with him and firmly told him that he either had to give up the idea of us ever being together, or we couldn't be friends anymore because it interfered with our friendship. I also told him again that Joe and I were happy, and that if he couldn't let me be happy then he wasn't being very friend-like. I thought this would stop the behavior, but it resurfaced a few months later.
I recently broke up with Joe, and That Guy started coming around more and more often. He'd invite me out to do things as friends and sneakily turn them into date-like scenarios. For example, once we were supposed to hang out. I was hungry and suggested grabbing a bite to eat at Wendy's, but instead he drove me to a fancy restaurant, proceeded to order appetizers and meals to share and tried to foot the bill. I wouldn't let him. I usually thwart his attempts by inviting friends along so as not to blow him off but not give him the wrong idea. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried being rude to him. I've tried blowing him off or canceling last minute each time. As I said earlier, twice I have explicitly told him that I was not interested and never would be.
Nothing seems to be working, and I'm not the only one noticing; friends of mine are expressing concern, too. I don't know what to do! I value his friendship, as he is an old friend. But I've honestly grown bitter and started to resent him for ignoring my wishes and making uncomfortable, unwanted advances. No means no, and it is frustrating to have someone not accept that.
What can I do to get it through his head that he has been FRIEND ZONED!?
-
recommend
- recs 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (58)
PUHAHAHA, omg that's horrible! I see you've been frank with him...well at this point you have no choice other than to get mean.
Tell him you don't want to see him anymore, and never accept any of his offers to go out again...even for a burger.
In my opinion, Joe should have broken his ass off long ago.
Tell him one last final time that you are just friends. If he does it all over again, you might just tell him that you guys can't be friends anymore because he's not getting the point. Maybe even to the point of getting a restraining order. Maybe not, but i you have to, you have to. Honestly, that's just creepy and stalkerish of what he's doing. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a shrine of you somewhere (not to freak you out or anything).
Oh hunny, that's creepier than a friend zoned loser who can't take a hint. Watching your boyfriends? He sounds like a freakin' stalker.
If what he's doing keeps getting worse, who knows where you might end up a year from now. I say cut him loose entirely, and if he still follows you around, get a restraining order or something.
I guess all you can do is to tell him again that you don't want to be involved with him. If he's trying to hinder your relationships with other people, he truly isn't that good of a friend. but if you really want to continue the friendship, be aware that you can ask him to leave you alone as much as you like, and that he may or may not choose to listen.
and hey. if it gets bad enough you can always file for a restraining order
best of luck.
that doesn't sound like "an old friend." what has he done as a FRIEND to make you value him so much? it sounds like you mostly feel guilty about cutting off the friendship b/c he's so ingrained (by his own manipulation) in your life.
i think it's time to cut the cord once and for all. stalking you, manipulating your family, and wooing you with surprise dates that only make you uncomfortable are NOT the behaviors of a friend. he's an immature, borderline creep who can't let go. so you have to let go first.
Awww the "friend zone" sounds so horrible. It has such a pathetic connotation. . .
I think That Guy has for sure exceeded that zone and created a new one, "the stalker zone." This sounds like it would be a perfect story for some teenage sitcom :P. He might go crazy (more than he already is, as in psycho) over you! Better watch out man. :O
Get him a girlfriend :D
best wishes
Sorry, but I think you just have to stop being friends with him. He's creepy, and he's not taking the hint. My sister is in a situation with a guy who wants to be more than friends when she doesn't (worse, he's my ex, which is weird enough without adding in his stalker tendencies). I have told her that her best bet is to stop hanging out with him as friends, but she doesn't listen to me, and he's getting worse and worse. And he keeps telling her that he thought she liked him as more than friends - because people like that think hanging out = dating. If they aren't getting the hint, they leave you no choice.
He is not your friend. He is what we like to call a stalker. And you, your friends,and your family are facilitating this. What you need to do is understand that his actions are not in any way psychologically sound. He is stalking you, stalking your loved ones, and following your life like a tracking dog.
Step out of the situation. Do not take his calls. Do not talk to him. Instruct your family and friends in the same. Explain to them the situation and let them know you wish to not ever see this man again and you would hope they respect that by not inviting him into their homes or telling him anything about you or your whereabouts.
Contact the local authorities and get a restraining order if he will not leave you alone after you tell him you can no longer remain friends and cease contact. Let them know that he has been stalking you for many years, and make sure that if you see him again you call 911.
restraining order?
YOU BITCH! YOU LOVE LEADING BOYS ON FOR YEARS BECAUSE IT SUITS YOUR PATHETIC INFLATED EGO! YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM INSTEAD OF BEING A SELFISH MEANY!!!!!
...jk :]
some guys just need love like plants need sunlight. they will invent a relationship and think of it all the time and read so much into every little thing you do. basically you need to cut it off with this guy because thats the only way hes going to get healthy. it will hurt a lot for him but it will be better in the long run.
Freaky stalker much?
Seriously, I wouldn't even try to be friends with him at this point. Follow some of the suggestions above, especially @enterthelabyrinth@xanga - . If it gets to that point you may very well have to take legal action.
i had to cut him off completely. but then again, we weren't really old friends so although i didn't want to have to resort to such extreme measures, it wasn't a huge loss when i was forced to do so.
he became INSANELY creepy... and actually.. he's still creepy. in my list he's the stalking doormat.
and he wasn't even *half* as creepy as The Guy. i strongly suggest you turf him.
LOL sorry to laugh but that guy is freaky-deaky. It's time to kick his ass to the curb. I've had to de-friend a few ppl in the past. (Not that extreme tho) But yea, when I started to sense tension they were causing for me & my then bf, I had to cut them out of my life completely. Now, for YOUR case, I'm thinking of slapping a restraining order on his ass. You can never be TOO safe. Those are signs of stalker-material and one day he might just snap and uhhh lets not go there. BE CAREFUL & Good Luck!
Dispose of the douchebag, douche. Isn't it only fitting and proper?
∞
P.S. — Before you scathe me for scabies, consider this: why did you allow this to continue? You should have shunted him from the start.
He's not respecting your boundaries. Maybe you shouldn't be friends with him, even. He could be thinking in his head, "Well, if she's keeping me in her life in some capacity, she must have some feelings for me!"
youve gotten yrself a stalker mcstalkerson.
call the police and run
Try being a real bitch, tell him to fuck off. He's obviously psycho. As for your family liking this guy, tell them how you feel!!! They should back you up. Get the men in your family together, tell them this creep is stalking you, let them scare him off. If that doesn't work contact the police.
be a bit careful...there are fine lines between persistence and being stalkerish, some individuals dont realize this. my sister's ex became such a nuisance she had to move away
@chinkdub@xanga - I agree.
This guy is obviously a selfish jackass who only cares about trying to ruin your life. I say you can break him in half, treat him however you want to to get the point across that he's not wanted around you.
I get the impression that if he hasn't gotten it...he's not going to. He has surpassed friend zone and is driving around in creeperville. You might need some additional help here. The only other thing I can think of is have you thought about possible giving him a chance relationship wise? Just a thought...
hahhahahahah. OMG, this nigga done pass the line of being a FRIEND..and gone to STALKER..and CREEP! wow, how bad can you get?
Give him tha boot! "and do the boot!" =]] TELL HIM..YOU'VE BEEN IN MY LIFE TOO MUCH..LATER!!!
I... don't know.. because I made a wish every night that he'll leave me alone and BAM! one day he finally disappeared and stopped bugging me. Wishing doesn't work for everyone though.. ahahaha LAME ADVICE.