Tuesday, 11 November 2008

• Let's NOT Be Friends: A Guy's Guide to Beating The Friend Zone

  This is a guest blog submitted by Mr_Jin.
  
  I've heard it all before.  Once you're labeled a "friend," you can never make it back.  You're Tom Hanks on a deserted island; Friendsville, population YOU. I, for one, think that's BS.  I'm here to tell you all that it IS possible to make it from a friend to a lover.  Ladies and gentlemen, it is possible to get off the friends shelf; you just have to be smart about it.
  
  Essentially, you have to do everything except what your natural instincts tell you.
  
  These tips are basically for men; some may apply to women, though.  
  
  1.  Grow some balls (obviously for men)...it's probably the main reason your ass is listening to her bitch about her man rather than the one being bitched about.  Listen, as much as girls like to say, "I want someone nice," trust me, they don't.  You know what a woman wants? Barring any homosexual tendencies, a woman wants a MAN. She wants someone who can protect her, someone to argue with, someone who is going to squash bugs without hesitation.  Quit being so damn nice and just man up; trust me, when you start pumping out that testosterone, she'll pick up on it.
  
  2.  Be unavailable.  I know you're in love with her and you want to be around her 24/7, but trust me. The more you make yourself available as a friend, the lower your chances of shagging her. Think about it: You go to dinner with her, hang out with her, go shopping with her. You probably buy her shit too. STOP IT. You're basically doing all the boyfriend shit without getting any of the boyfriend booty.  Next time she calls you for whatever reason tell her, "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy", or better yet, don't pick up the call.  She'll wonder, "I wonder what he's doing..." and that'll have her thinking of you for a change. The ball will be in your court. Call her back at your leisure. One thing, though: you cannot be unavailable for too long, lest she forget that you even exist.
  
  3.  Insult her.  I'm not saying to talk shit on her mom or call her fat. Try this: the next time you hang out with her, give her an slight constructive "criticism" about her hair or something, her outfit, whatever.  It does not matter what you criticize, just say something disguised as a helpful comment. Doing this will stop making her think of you as a "yes man". The next time she kicks it with you, she'll put some more thought into her appearance. You want her to try and impress you the next time around. Trust me, it works.
  
  4.  Whore yourself out.  During the time you're "unavailable," go on dates and see other girls. Make sure she knows you're out on dates. Not only will this keep you busy on those normally lonely nights, but it will also make the girl think that she's missing out on something. The more you have her thinking of you, the better. If your game is weak and you can't get any dates, well, just lie and say you did. Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" was probably a virgin.
  
  5.  NEVER EVER CONFESS.  This is quite possibly the worst thing you can do.  Girls have guys chasing them all the damn time; she doesn't need you doing it too.  I know you have all these bottled up warm and fuzzy feelings for her; trust me, she knows it too. But the minute you confess your undying love, your chances of getting her goes from 1% to zero.  You have no room for mistakes, and this is the biggest one of all.
  
  6.  Change your "look".  If you've never really paid attention to fashion, today is the time to start.  Buy yourself a couple new shirts and pants...a blazer or two never hurts.  This step is important because you want to change her perception of you, and nothing will accomplish that easier than looking different. If you have no fashion sense at all, look to one of your friends - you know, the good looking guy landing all the babes? Yeah, him. Don't outright copy him, but check out his style and mimic it to the best of your ability.  If all else fails, just ask him where he shops. 
  
  7.  Work out. This goes along with changing your look. Women are more attracted to someone if they feel "protected" by him. That's why they like it when you hold hands or put your arm around them. It's a comforting feeling. Hit the gym, develop some guns and show her your new look. These two steps are key.
  
  8.  Exude confidence. After working out and getting a new look, you're probably more confident about yourself. Nothing is sexier to a woman than a guy who is confident. You know why the good looking guy gets all the girls?  Of course, being good looking helps, but chances are, the good looking guy has been told that he's been good looking his entire life. So he knows he's good looking, therefore CONFIDENT about his appearance...ya feel me?  Even though you feel like a troll inside, walk tall, fix your posture and look at the girl in the eyes when you talk to her. 
  
  
  After you've taken all these steps, take her out, but make sure you follow these rules:
  
  1.  Make the plans, e.g. location, type of food, etc...
  
  2.  Go somewhere she hasn't been before.  It doesn't have to be an expensive place; even a hole in the wall is fine. Go online and see what they have on the menu. Know what's good beforehand so you can make some recommendations.
  
  3.  Dress to impress. Wear something you haven't worn around her before. Invest in some new dress shoes; please, for the love of all that's holy, don't wear your basketball shoes or some beat up sneakers. 
  
  4.  You set the time.
  
  5.  You pick her up. Do not meet somewhere because it's out of your way to pick her up.  You've gone through all this trouble for her, so you can drive a few more miles.
  
  6.  Open doors. No one ever got slapped for being a gentleman.
  
  7.  Because you've been her friend for so long, you know her tastes in food. Also, you've done the research and know what's good, so make a recommendation and then when the server comes to take your order, YOU order it. This will get you some extra brownie points.
  
  8.  Order wine - not a glass, a bottle.  If you know nothing about wine, then have the server recommend something. I don't care if you don't drink, order it for her. This will get things running more smoothly. Extra brownie points for knowing a thing or two about wine.
  
  9.  DO NOT start talking about her exes or previous boyfriends. This will be an automatic FAIL. If you feel the conversation turning in that direction, try and point out to her why she's no longer with this person, how much he sucked.  But try and not sound like a hater - you have to navigate this road very carefully.
  
  10.  Do talk about people you're dating. Let her inquire as to who you've been seeing. Don't start bragging, but try and make her think that you're a wanted man. 
  
  11.  After dinner wraps up, have dessert. Consumption of chocolate and other sweets produce endorphins - that combined with the two glasses of wine that she just drank will have her feeling all warm and fuzzy.
  
  12.  PAY THE BILL. I swear to God, if after all this shit, you let her even pay one penny, or worse "go dutch", I will personally KILL YOU. All of the steps above have ensured that she knows this was not a casual dinner; if you let her pay it's taking 10 steps back.
  
  13.  Dinner is over and you're walking out to your car.  Lead her to the door with your hand on the small of her back, or even better, around her waist.  If she is receptive, you're almost golden.
  
  14.  Finally the moment of truth. Dinner is over, and you're in front of her house - what now? Cut out and run home with your tail between your legs? Fuck that. Step up to the plate, man. You've basically been preparing months for this moment. Do not make a cheesy attempt to kiss her in the car. Why kiss in the car when you can kiss at the front door? The front door is closer to the inside of her house, which is where you ultimately want to end up. Turn off the engine, get out of the car and walk her to her door. 
  
  The rest is up to you. If after all this, you still don't succeed, well sorry bro, you're just assed out.  But chances are, after the changes you've made to yourself, other girls have noticed.  Drown your sorrows in the bosom of another. Help your brethren out and rec this shit.
  

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