This is a guest blog submitted by relationshipnoob.The girlfriends that I have dated weren't virgins. They have had more sexual partners than I have had and I do not consider women who have had multiple sexual partners sluts, nor do I consider sex a "dirty" thing. I can't help but to feel a little bad about it how they've slept with more people than I have, though..
It was a personal lifestyle choice I made: No sex until after marriage. I was never religious. I think I was hung up on the whole Disney fairytale thing. I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend. She pressured me and I regretted it for a while. After taking a sociology of sexuality class, I gained a more positive view about sex and I understand the many reasons why people would have sex before marriage, whether it be for pure carnal pleasure or because they are in love with someone in a serious relationship. So now I think that I would be able to have sex with someone that I am in a serious relationship with and I don't think that I would be into one night stands or hooking up.
And somehow the thought of "virginity" still lingers in my mind as much as I try to get over it. Even if I saved my virginity until after marriage and married someone who was the same, who is to say that there couldn't be problems in the relationship? Virgins until after marriage might wonder how sex is with other people and might cheat on their spouse. Unfortunately, there are individuals who lose their virginity from being raped who don't have the option of saving their virginity for a special person. There could be someone who isn't a virgin who would treat you better than someone who is a virgin. And obviously, there are hundreds of more important things in this world than placing focus on virginity.
Someone told me their theory about why they think guys want to have sex with a virgin: "Guys want it because it's something really special a girl can give to a guy that they can never take away," which includes all the emotions and unique experience of the very first time whether extremely awkward or warm fuzzily romantic.
Part of me feels that if I did end up with someone who saved her virginity for me I would love her forever. I agree that a significant other's past doesn't matter and that the past helped create who a person is today. Even after knowing all of this I feel that part of me still can't get over this whole virginity thing. Someone slap some sense into my brain please.
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Comments (251)
I never paid attention to the fact that "virgin is better than not" when meeting a girl. I think that's something deeply misoginistic in this concept.
Like saying: Oh peregrines of the Mayflower! here's the new land and we're first!
Something quite stupid to me. Would be also stupid believing that she didn't have a life before meeting us, Bringers Of Sex And Pleasure. Come on.
Another ego trip XP.....theres only one way to solve this....find yourself a virgin XD
Sure, you can never have it back. But that doesn't mean you have to mourn its loss for the rest of your life. It can still be perfectly special with whomever you choose to make it special with. It's only a huge deal as long as you make it one.
it is special. but there are other things in life that are special too.
that being said, i don't know that it's possible to slap a guy to the point where he won't think being a girl's first is a really big deal. guys will *always* think being her first is a huge deal.
A lot of problems would be solved if young men and women could control themselves to reserve sexual intimacy until they are married. I'm quite elderly now, and when I was young "sleeping around" was much less common than it is today although even then it was being quite widely practised.
I'm very thankful that both my wife and I kept sexual intimacy until after we were married. We've been faithful to each other ever since then, and we're in our forty-fourth year now.
Peace!
David
it does show a commitment in a world of temptation...
The whole virginity thing is pretty much ingrained into our society and perhaps our instincts as themselves.
Society-wise, virginity is a huge deal. We make such a hoohah over when you lose it, and whom you lose it to, and how virgins are always better people than non-virgins. It's total bullshit, but then again, so is society (usually).
Instinct-wise, we want virgins because they are less likely to have diseases and other naughty things. I also think there's something in there about how a virgin hasn't given birth yet, so they're worth more or something...
It is a really insane concept and I still don't understand it completely either. Good luck trying to figure it out!
good argument. virginity is still regarded as a big deal though...to me i thought the reason men prefer virgins is becuase it's tighter? maybe your reason is the real one lol.
in the old days (before birth control) virgins were better for marriage because they hadn't had children before (eception virgin mary), so there wasnt any daddy baby drama. if she is a virgin, and you have sex with her, and she gets knocked up, there's a good chance it's yours.
and it works with guys too - the guy had to have had sex with a woman, and unless he pulled out, he would another "heir" somewhere.
its only in the last 60 years that we have been able to control pregnancy, which is why sleeping around is more acceptable. theres less responsibility.
I wish I could wait til marriage, but I have intimacy issues...
I wish i could take it all back and still be a virgin to this day. Thats what i honestly feel.
actually, I think it's a bad idea to wait until after marriage. I believe that you should not marry someone until you know everything about them and are confident in your love for each other and in every aspect of a relationship. Shallow or not, sex is part of a relationship and if one cannot satisfy the other, problems will result. It's important to understand your sexuality and to know yourself and the things that you like and dislike. I'm not suggesting you whore yourself out, but if you're thinking about marrying someone, you might want to make sure they're good in the sack. At least, I would.
Is virginity only about the physicality of one's exclusiveness, or it is also about the emotional exclusivity? If you ended with a non-virgin who was fully committed to you and no-one else, how would you feel?
This seems like a one sided arguement. What about girls taking a guy's virginity?
I always thought guys were intrigued by a girl's virginity for two reasons: 1) they are the girl's 'first' and 2) it's tight....
Here comes some sense: expecting or preferring someone to be a virgin, when you yourself are not, makes you a Grade A, 100%, no-fooling HYPOCRITE. Who the hell are you to ask for more than what you give?
I believe in waiting until marriage to have sex, but people fall down, people make mistakes, and people can repent and change. Men and women. And I do have to ask why the hell a woman has to be held to a higher standard for this than a man? That. Is. B.S.
Get over yourself. If you find a good decent woman who happens not to be a virgin, and you lose her because you can't handle her past, then it serves you right to be alone.
I am a virgin, and I will say this:
While sex is an important part of a relationship, I think people place too much importance on sex. I mean, sure, it's fun, it's a beautiful thing, and it should be way more than the physical act itself. That's why people need to wait- people don't really realize that sex is more than 2 minutes of pleasure. (I think 2 minutes, I don't know- I've never done it..) It represents a bond between two people that was supposed to be about love, not lust.
Yes, I'm saving myself for marriage.
ugh...sex. i feel the same way you do buddio. slap some sense into me!
you know that in japan (a while ago) they used to employ "professional de-flowerers"...basically guys who were payed to have sex with virgins so they would have some sexual experience. there were of course still some men that preferred to have sex with virgins, but i just think it's funny that there was actually a cherry-poppin' service industry.
like you said yourself, you realize your expectations and feelings on virginity are somewhat ridiculous...i don't think they will magically disappear overnight, but recognizing that they are ridiculous is the first step. tell yourself that enough times and you'll start believing it eventually LOL
Wow, I know how you feel. You can't get your virginity back and you shouldn't regret what happened in the past. View it as an experience to learn from and then continue from there. Someone's sexual experience isn't going to make them the one for you, its their character, their personality, other things about them. A former prostitute with AIDS could be the woman of your dreams, that is a VERY extreme case that's probably not going to happen to you, but its a crazy example that reinforces my point, virginity is not an essential ingredient in falling in love. Relax and take it easy, when you find someone, you'll figure out what's important to you in a relationship. I just don't believe that being a virgin or not is crucial to the success of any relationship.
I think when you find the right person alot of the things you are worried about will just fall into place. Many relationships get screwed up virgins until marriage or not. Some people get married on a whim and it just works out. Don't try to compare your situation to anyone else's! What works for some doesn't always work for others.
I get uncomfortable because I am one and I hear my guy friends talking about how awkward it would probably be with a girl with little experience.
I think it's nice you don't mind it.
Sex is so freaking annoying [not really, but can make things complicated between virginity and losing it]...I don't think it should matter with experience, but it's always dependent on the person as an individual.
i don't see why men still see women who are virgins as better than women who are not.
it depresses me entirely.
Prior dating my current bf, I've met and gone out with several guys (with 1 -2 months interval..I'm 24, but I didn't start dating until I was 22..so that's not a lot of experience), and it always ticks me off when they ask whether or not i'm a virgin. When I told them I want to wait until marriage, each and everyone of them started to disappear. One actually stuck around for about five months, hoping to be my first, but eventually understood that he won't be getting any, so he started to treat me badly, and seeing the inevitable, I broke up with him. What I hate the most is that guys tend generalize virgin girls as good people, this is not necessarily true, I've seen many nasty virgin girls, mistreating people left and right, when it comes to characters, virginity doesn't speak volume of how you are as a person! I'd rather have my bf loves me for WHO I AM, not because I'm a virgin, but the silly, out-going, kind-hearted, nature-loving me!!
Sometimes I think back, did those guys i dated ever liked me for who i am, or they just wanted to be my first?!?
Self-degrading only applies to those slutty girls and guys who sleep around for fun, who have already cheapened their self-value to the point of no self-respect, then that's something worth scornful. I've known many of my friends, who engaged in premarital sex with the one they love, and eventually get married. That's because they do it as a commitment of love, not to have fun. These two ideas are entirely different.
-Cheers!
I think you are probably still at a stage in your life where you see your girlfriend as a possession.
ie. She is my girlfriend, she belongs to me.
As with all possessions, such as clothes or a car, new is better than used. A possession in this case is a utility that fulfils a personal need.
Having a girlfriend who was a virgin was high on my list of priorities until my mid 20's. That began to change as I matured, when I started seeing people around me as independent entities to be appreciated on their own terms. I started seeing partners rather than possessions; a companion to shape myself around rather than a girl on my arm to parade and snuggle upto late at night.
Somewhere along the line I realized no "being" could ever belong to me, that in the grand scheme of things, virginity was a technicality. My desire for a virgin dropped away.
I think your desire for a virgin will fade too as you get older. Read philosophy, read high brow literature, start really listening to the people around you, travel... do what ever it takes to evolve yourself as a person. It's pointless beating up on yourself. That won't change a thing.
I'm seventeen and I'm still a virgin. Nobody ever believes me. Anybody that finds out I'm a virgin will come up to me and call me a liar. Most people say that it's incredibly rare to find a decent looking girl that's a virgin, which I guess is true because I don't know anyone else who is a virgin.
Honestly, virginity isn't some sacred thing to me. I could have had sex plenty of times by now if I was comfortable with it. But that's the thing, I'm not comfortable with the whole situation. I've never found someone that I'm 100% comfortable with and until I find that person, I'll stay a virgin.
I think that sex just causes drama in high school, especially when it's some egotistical jerk bragging about taking some girl's virginity last weekend and blah blah blah, I'll spare you the details. Also, I think that losing your virginity is more of