Miss Seal
My friend once thought she was addicted to love. Apparently, the love addicts website was powered by the sex addicts website, though the maladies are complete opposites. As she was looking for ways to cure her love addiction, her boss came up behind her to see a huge "SEX ADDICTS" sign on the screen. Needless to say, the internship never burgeoned into a full-fledged career.
Many things can go wrong with love, and being that so much of us is invested in another person emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it is easy to see why love can make us ill. In fact, there's a whole section in Wikipedia on various love illnesses, and the one that made me jump out of my seat was limerence:
Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessional form of romantic love. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence)Okay, so far this sounds like unrequited love, but reading on, limerence is different from unrequited love in that having the object of your affection is not enough to make you happy. The best way I can describe limerence is by bringing up Rousseau. He was basically obsessed with this patroness and wrote all these journal entries about how amazing she was and how he could never say the right thing around her / express how he felt. We've all had that. When he was around the patroness, he would be all self-deprecating and tormented. When she was not near him, he would idolize her.
Whether or not the object was before him, he was not happy, and he only really liked and admired the patroness when she wasn't there. So here we get to the problem: liking the ideal image we hold of someone rather than having any understanding of who the real person is, and being disappointed in that person's presence, for the real and the ideal never match up.
This one time, the patroness was about to swallow a morsel of food, when Rousseau pointed out there was a hair in it. As she put down her fork, he quickly grabbed the fork and swallowed the food himself, I guess to internalize her? This is now Derrida's theory of Rousseau and writing, but basically the point is that the object of our desires is never enough to satisfy those desires; Rousseau always needed signs and objects that reminded him of the patroness, even when she herself was in his presence. We create a whole nexus of thoughts, ideas and memories of the person that comes to not completely supplant the object, but certainly to rival it. How long does it take us to get rid of our ex's things? To not turn off the radio when we hear a song that reminds us of them? To stop thinking about them constantly? And it's okay if you've been in a relationship with the person, or it's more understandable, but what happens when you never get to know the person, and you always admire them from afar?
Have you ever been in limerence with someone, where you liked the idea of the person greatly, but felt like you were dealing with a completely different person when you were actually with him/her? How did you get over it?
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Comments (27)
Yes, I can't stop thinking of her but I'm afraid to try to reestablish contact.
Oh my heavens. Obviously Rousseau was on crack.
Wow. I have never seen such an exaggerated case before. Although certainly that happens. People like their ideals more than they like their mates. Which is how we humans get through the first short period of a relationship.
What, there really is such things as love illnesses?! Well, that sure does explain some things that happened in the past haha...
Limerence...the first thing that popped up was all the celebrity crushes I've ever had. I like the idea of that person, but figured she wouldn't be as ideal if I ever met her.
I had a really severe case of this back in high school. I'm not going to mention any specifics, but let's just say I was obsessed and insane.
It's good to see it's more frequent than just me, though. ^^;
Yes, all the time!!! :o)~ I'm wondering if it's because we have such high expections of someone and then we're disappointed somehow? HAHA
lol I like your word choice...."the idea of the person greatly...". I came across that before; but it took a while for me to realize other factors that weren't so great as I presumed. I was more carefree at the time. I took on normally. For me, I'm not negative.., and so the realization wouldn't stab me to the head in a sense.
This reminds me of knights and ladies.. only it was just for show. But I can't say I've ever experienced it myself.
i feel like my ex felt like that about me...
im glad hes my ex. ;)
I've never tried talking to my limerent love... I'm scared that it won't work out - and in past cases knew it wouldn't.
There's a book and 2009? movie called, "80 Dates Around The World" where the author had met who she thought was the one, but then met another guy and fell in love again. She had to make the decision to either stay in love with the first guy, or reiterate the feeling of falling in love again and again.
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - Rousseau was definitely not all there...the use of terror as a just mean for maintaining stable government?....this doesn't surprise me at all.
love sickness...yeah, been there, done with it.
I felt that way with my ex. When we were dating it was almost perfect. When we still saw each other from time to time, I had this ideal of him. of what he USED to be when we dated...and i kept hoping and hoping that he'd revert to his old ways, but the more he became a douche instead of the sweetheart he once was, i'm not entirely over my ex and my ideal version of him, but im slowly getting there.
Yes! It's happened twice. I think it's more manageable if you're not a friendly basis with the limerent object. In fact, the easiest way is to just lose contact with the limerent object, and then let time do its work. Keep yourself busy; the less time you have to think, the less time you'll have to idealize the limerent object.
The situation is different when they're a good friend of yours whom you see everyday. I can't tell you how to deal with it 'cause I just haven't found the solution to it yet.
i don't think it's really happened to me. but i do idolize sometimes and get disappointed. ahaha. :/
Limerence..Interesting word. I think its true when you are feeling obsess or insanely infatuated with somebody, you realize its not really the person you like, its the physical attraction you have towards that person that makes you want them.
Yes, and I haven't gotten over it!
I called it infatuation when this happened to me. Oh, middle school.
Sometimes, sometimes not. :/
WOW THERE'S A TERM FOR THAT? Well, I feel much better than I know I'm not the only one that actually feels this way.
This happens to me quite often. I try to get to know the person that's unintentionally making me crazy. That usually does the trick, when I find something extremely appalling about him. Unfortunately, sometimes I can't find something to turn me away.
To the last question"...you liked the idea of the person greatly, but felt like you were dealing with a completely different person when you were actually with him/her? How did you get over it? " Yes, I crushed on several guys who I didn't really know and just became infatuated with them. The way I got over it was by getting to know them and realizing how stupid and totally wrong they are for me xD
It happens all the time to me haha!:) Very well said and not the exaggerated version at all.
I had called it infatuation, too. Thanks for broadening my vocabulary =).
How to recover? Well, knowing that it isn't realistic is the first step, since it helps me stay in check everywhere else. Then, keeping a distance from the object of my Limerence. I might even confide in a trusted friend of my distracted state and ask her/him to monitor me and give me feedback for help, if I can't keep a distance due to work or other places we may have in common.
Time and reality focus is really the only honest cure.
Oh my goodness.
I do that a lot too. Admiring from afar. Secretly dreaming up these amazing personalities for these crushes.
In the end? I prefer to stay away. Because deep down, i know once i get to know them, they'll fall short of my idealization.
Haha. Oh how a girl plays with her own mind.
My definition of Idealizing...
Maximizing everything that is wonderful and refusing to acknowledge any negative qualities.
People who are in love are guilty of this act. That's why we say "Only fools fall in love".
This is pleasantly profound...!