Sunday, 09 November 2008

• Behind the Story: "I Had Premarital Sex and I Got Over It"

  This is a guest blog submitted by AnonymousBlonde.
  

  To preface this update - yes, my case and the case I went off of were extremities.  I am in no way saying that my case is a normality.  In my original post I was in no way trying to sway people in one way or the other - I just shared a personal experience to give a different viewpoint.  I don't condone people sleeping around with multiple partners at the same time because I feel it's morally wrong.  Whether an individual sleeps with one person or many, the important thing to remember is to be safe.  Get tested and use protection - it can save you heartache from diseases, infections, pregnancy (not that pregnancy is a bad thing, because I can sense that remark coming back to bite me in the ass, just that many young people who engage in sexual relations are not ready to or cannot handle pregnancy and the options and situations it brings such as keeping it, adoption, abortion, medical problems, etc), etc.  Also, for once and for all, I'm tired of people saying and implying that I regret my life choices because I don't.  You don't live in my head, so stop trying to traipse around in it and tell me what I'm thinking or how I feel.  If you can't handle a different viewpoint, don't read it and don't try to bend it to fit in your preconceived notions.

  Seems like there were a couple of recurring issues brought up by my other post – 1) I'm not Christian so I don't understand how taking and keeping an oath of chastity can be hard, 2) I was found to be offensive by comparing humans to animals, and 3) Although I state that I have no regrets, it seems like I do.  Seems like now is the best time to address this.
  

  I was raised Christian.  My father's Catholic and my mother's Methodist.  Because my father isn't particularly religious, my mother decided to oversee my religious upbringing by having me join a Lutheran church.  I attended church, Sunday school, Confirmation classes, a Confirmation camp and sang in the choir from ages 5 to 17. I chose to stop subscribing to the Christian faith sometime between 15 and 16, when I started questioning God and his existence.  I was never big on praying, the Bible, or Jesus Christ, despite going to church twice or three times a week (or more, especially during holidays since I was part of the choir) from ages 13–17.  As of now, my "religious beliefs" (and I use that term loosely) are a jump off from some philosophical treatises I had the pleasure of reading.  More or less, I don't believe in Jesus Christ or God in the sense that most people do.  I believe that there is a fountain of knowledge that births and rejuvenates souls so that we, as bodies, can be given a life which can be driven towards achieving philosophical nirvana.  The trick is to live objectively and try not to become bogged down by life's physical aspects so that when the soul is released upon the death of the flesh, it has more knowledge than what it had when it first entered the body.

  That's not to say that I don't still occasionally go to church – I do, albeit mostly because it makes my mother happy and because I enjoy singing. I'll still take Communion and I'll still say things like "Amen in the name of Jesus Christ" and its multiple variations in church. When I get married, there will probably be a ceremony in a church. Just because I think that the Bible is the "greatest" story ever written by man and is a sadly outdated book to live one's life by doesn't mean I'm some God-hating, Jesus Christ-bashing heathen (not that I have any problems with people that are God-haters and/or Jesus Christ-bashers, nor am I calling them heathens, just like I don't have any problems with people that are God-loving and/or Jesus Christ-praisers).  The only time I do have a problem with religious or non-religious people is when they’re intolerant, rude, disrespectful, or trying to "convert" me.  My opinions are my beliefs, just as your opinions are your beliefs, and I will respect yours as long as you respect mine.

  Now, with that out of the way, these people do have a point. I'm technically not Christian, which means that I'm not technically religious in the way that they are.  I don't know what it's like to take an oath in the name of the Christian religion because I never have and likely never will.  The point that I was trying to make is that is seems like many people who take an oath not to have sex before marriage equate it with the Christian religion (read: in the name of God).  Therefore, it simply shocks me that so many people have problems sticking to their oath to God, especially when many of the more…ah…devout or serious Christians paint God as a more vengeful or wrathful being that only loves and protects one when they are doing the "right", "good", or "Christian" thing.  I do understand that when you have strong feelings for a person, an entity like God can seem insignificant (after all, he dwells way up in the sky, lounging on Heaven's puffy little clouds), but God's always watching you, calculating your position in his clouds.  Make him too insignificant and his forgiveness goes right out the window, leaving you in eternal damnation. 

  For those of you that don't see God as such a spiteful being, he's still watching you.  And he'l continue to love you, but screw up one time too many and you might find yourself closer to Earth or eternal damnation than you thought.  Which is why I don't understand the easy carelessness of some people when it comes to breaking their God-bound oath.  If you take a stand, be strong enough to support your moral decision and don't toss it out the window as soon as a winning personality, good looks or financial security walks through the door.  Sure it's hard when you’ve got tons of hormones coursing through your body, but if you respect yourself as much as you respect God, you will, can and do have the ability to say "no" (actually, we all have the ability to say it as long as we respect ourselves…just so everyone who doesn't subscribe to God knows too).  If you can't, well, you’d better hope that God isn’t the way that the Bible paints him or your soul is in deep doo-doo.

  For the next order of business, humans are animals.  Do we eat, breathe, shit, pee, sleep and fraternize?  Yep, and guess what – ANIMALS DO TOO!  Shocking, I know.  It's the most mind-blowing revelation to ever be noted on Xanga.  I know, I know, but please hold your applause until the end of the post.

  The reason why I compared animals and humans in respect to sex was to merely point out that it's a natural course of action for them, and likewise, it's also a natural course of action for us.  The biggest difference between humans and most animals is that we've developed a more refined way to kill and eat food and that we've got a more refined judicial system (meaning we let the others speak before we [formally] condemn them).  I was not in any way trying to justify rape, incest, murder, etc., etc. with the mentality "Animals do it so we can too!!1!1!!111!1!", nor do I think that crimes such as rape, incest, murder, etc. can be justified with that mentality.  I was just pointing out that sex isn't some huge fucking taboo to them like it is to some humans.  Animals do it for survival.  Humans do it for survival.  Some animals do it for pleasure.  Some [most] humans do it for pleasure.  Animals don't give two shits about virginity, and neither do a lot of humans.  I personally think that we, as humans, take many cues from animals, despite their being the "lower" life forms on our planet.  Disagree with me if you want, but don't put words in my mouth or try to portray me as an awful person who thinks that rape or other sexual crimes are okay, because hey, animals have sex too.  Rape (or any other sexual crime) is never okay, and it deeply offends me that people would try to put words like that in my mouth, especially since I have been raped. You should get over your pretentious assumptions about my person and not go slinging insensitive remarks because you think you know all about me based on a couple of sentences in one post. 

  Ahem.  So yes, at the end of the day, I think that humans = animals.  We're all the product of evolution, and that's that in my book.

  Finally, number three on the list at the top is an error due to my lack of clarification in my post from muddling together topics.  It happens; no one's perfect, least of all me.  Therefore, I'm going to attempt to clarify some things that might have been somewhat unclear or confusing.

  "I had premarital sex.  I was 15 years, 4 months, and 22 days old when I lost my virginity.  I lost it to a boy that I wasn't yet dating, but I felt for very deeply to the depths of my soul.  Sadly, it wasn't the magical moment that so many people imagine takes place. I was very nervous, to the point of being uncomfortable with myself and him.  He was pressuring me because we only had a certain amount of time in which to get it over with before his parents came home."

  I first had sex when I was 15.  It wasn't a magical moment, but an extremely awkward and uncomfortable one.  I had agreed to have sex with him in multiple conversations beforehand, but I wasn't prepared to do it right that second.  No, we weren't in a relationship, but we had a mutual understanding that we were eventually going to be in a relationship.  I cared for him a lot, and I thought he cared for me just as much.  The reason why he was pressuring me was because he knew that that night was the only conceivable time for me to lose my virginity because his parents would never allow us to have the door to his room closed if they were home, regardless if we were dating or just friends. He wasn't pressuring me to convince me to have sex, more trying to convince me that the best time to start was then, when we had a chance to do it without having to worry about if his parents were going to come up the stairs at any moment.

  "Then comes the question that inevitably gets asked - Do you regret it?

  No.  I don't regret it one bit.  While I do wish sometimes that I had waited until the situation was a bit different (meaning less pressured and that we were already in a relationship), I can say with the utmost certainty that I don't regret losing my virginity, not even at that young of an age."

  I do sometimes wish that he and I had been in an "official" relationship before having had sex.  Part of that is a little bitterness that he didn't immediately ask me to be his girlfriend afterwards (he waited a week).  The other part is the bitterness and pain that comes from him telling me about a year or so down the line that he had "never intended to fall in love with" me after having sex – that he "fully intended for you [me] to be a one night stand" (and yes, those are direct quotes from his mouth).  If you don't think hearing something like that hurts, then you are a cold, cold person indeed.  I don't, however, regret having sex with him, that first time or any of the times after.  The only times I don't like to remember are the couple of times that he did forcibly engage in sex [read: rape and sodomize] with me.  So, to you commenters with your holier than thou attitudes about my perpetuation of the stereotypes that men are emotionless sex-fiends and women only have sex when they're completely smitten, I’m sorry that that was the case with me and I'm absolutely tickled that you've never run into a similar situation.  Good for you.

  “The thing that I do regret about that time period, though, is the unhealthy relationship that developed between me and the boy I first had sex with.  What needs to be known for the purpose of this post is that after that boy and I broke up, I went through a rough period of extreme insecurity where I asked myself many of the same questions the blogger is asking herself.

  I was extremely hurt.  I was devastated, broken-down mess.  I didn't know what to do or who to turn to since I was the first person out of all my [close] friends to lose my virginity and end a serious relationship and I couldn't (well, didn't know how to) talk to my parents about a situation like that.  I gave myself completely over, body, mind, and soul, to another person, just to have him return those things to me in pieces.  Sex with him became a mix between pleasure, duty, and emotional pain.  It hurt me to sleep with him because he didn't want to be committed to a relationship with me.  I continued to have sex with him because I didn't want him to leave my life and because he wanted it.  I wanted to have sex with him because even though it hurt me emotionally and mentally, it felt good physically.”

  This is where things started to get a little muddled I think.  I don’t regret having had a relationship with him; it’s more like I wish that certain choices that had been made and things that had been said hadn’t been.  Yes, sex does have a tendency to complicate relationships, especially when people are young and relationships are new.  Our relationship was one that was very based in the physical/sexual aspect of human (animal) nature, and became increasingly abusive.  Both of us were (and still are) unstable.  I have chronic depression and exhibit suicidal tendencies, something I sought to get help for.  He also has chronic depression, has attempted suicide, and has a secondary personality, not to mention many family problems, none of which he has attempted to get help for.  We only “officially” dated for a little over a year, but continued to “date” [read: fuck] for almost two more years.  Honestly, our entire relationship, from start to finish [ages 14 to (almost) 18 for me, 15-19 for him], was complicated.  I was a broken down mess from the emotional and physical strain of our relationship rather than because I lost my virginity/we were having sex.  He was manipulative and abusive from the beginning, but because I was “in love” I refused to acknowledge what he was doing to me.  Sex became my only outlet of expression because he took everything else from me – he took my body, he took my personality, he took my emotions, he sought to isolate and control me entirely, he perpetuated my inferiority complex, and he was the cause for my worsened suicidal behavior.

  It’s funny that I don’t regret that relationship.  I regret the behavior, but not the sex or relationship itself.  I see it as a learning experience more than anything else.  I really did learn a lot as a consequence of the period in time, whether or not I like to admit it.  I also experienced a lot because of that relationship, and while it may not have made me a better person, it did make me a wiser person.

  “Want to hear the hard truth?  It took me four years to get over it.  Over these past four years, almost two of them were spent continuing to sleep with him and casually dating two other boys.  The remaining time has been spent with my current boyfriend.  The fact of the matter is that I didn't think anyone would ever love me again.  I didn't think I would ever love again.  I didn't think I would ever get over the past or love myself ever again.  Even though my problem wasn't so much about my virginity as the abuse and dependency issues that arose from my previous relationship, the questions and feelings that came from it were the same.  But you know what?  I managed to find someone who loves me, who I love, and who I not only enjoy life with, but sex also.  Because we care about each other equally, sex is pleasurable and fulfilling, rather than empty and painful.”

  Once again, this is a little unclear.  It didn’t take me four years to get over losing my virginity – it took me four years to get over the extenuating circumstances as a result of my relationship.  It took me three years to realize that just because one boy and one relationship turned out to be a horrible experience didn’t mean that they were all going to tank as badly as the War on Terrorism.  It took two years for me to realize that there were people out there who could and would love me as I am.  It took me a year to realize that not all relationships are going to be perfect, no matter how hard the people involved try.  And I’m realizing that love that means going through emotions that may not always make you happy.  But like I said at the end of the other post, time is a healer of all things, big and small.

  Lastly, I enjoy sex.  I'm not afraid to admit it, and I embrace the sexual part of my personality just like I embrace every other part - with joy because I'm able to experience it.  Sex makes me happy, just like opening a present, eating my favorite meal, spending time with my best friends, or cuddling with my boyfriend.  I'm not going to stop doing it just because someone else thinks it's wrong.

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