This is a guest blog submitted by FrosteChic.listening to my ipod this morning, i had classical music lulling me to the depths of sleep i was deprived of the night before. just as the song was ending, fading slightly, i picked up the few phrases being discussed down the stairs by the rail staff checking passengers for tickets. "women just want your money...you can get a bride from one of them asian countries, cambodia or thailand...it's about the money" switching off my ipod, i switched to eavesdropping on the men below in the stairwell.
the conversation was about women who hooked up with men just for their money, and how brides were 'bought' from financially less well-to-do countries, and their getting "bought" was their ticket out of the horrible situation they were in. whether they loved you was another thing; money, in the men's minds, was the only thing on these women's minds. we often hear stories about men from western and asian countries alike, not being able to find a suitable partner in their own countries, and seeking the help of agencies who claim they can find them true love through "purchasing" a bride online overseas. screening processes include that of criminal records, financial situations and finally having the men fly over to the countries to meet their brides-to-be for a week before the marriage is put to paper in a certificate and small wedding. their brides, now married, can apply for the necessary papers to move to their partners' home countries to live the life the other women in their country can only dream of. but is this a step up from arranged marriages letting love grow on us with time, or is this us being materialistic and using money to buy the happiness we cannot seek emotionally?
there are often two likely after-marriage scenarios. the couple copes with each other, they grow on each other, the men pamper their brides and teach them the language they cannot understand fully, and they live blissfully happily. the other scenario is worse: the women move over for a few months, then turn on the men saying they were mistreated, file for a divorce or have an affair and then run off with a lump sum of money. or the men find themselves with a huge financial burden once their new partner decides she wants more than the man can provide.
why men should seek to 'buy' their brides, the reason is always the same - the women here just don't meet their standards or the women themselves don't think the men meet their own standards and turn their nose up at local men, leaving the men no choice but to look elsewhere. but are these good enough reasons for men to give up on the fairer sex in their own countries and look elsewhere? and are marriages like these just outlets for men to use their money to gain the emotional attention they could not seek on their own shores? how successful can such marriages be?
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Comments (14)
Sure you can grow to love someone over time, but who really wants to learn to love their husband?
Marriage should be about love in the first place.
xo
I've always considered going overseas for a bride, but never through a service hahahaa.
i'm not sure how well this works, and when it comes to arranged marriages, people love to learn each other anyway.
i think paying for your bride is like bribing someone to love you, and that's not right
desperate people do desperate things.
People from other countries think anyone from America is rich. We have relatives back home that think my parents' have all the money in the world to send back to them when this is not the case. So, if you think about it, the idea of marrying an American can get you (the girl) out of poverty back home.
I haven't seen this myself but I do know men from my culture have gone back home to find a bride (not to buy them but to look) since they are not pleased with how the women in my culture are more modern than traditional.
good observations.
i never really thought of mail-order brides until recently. in my profession, i run into alot of asians. usually, its fairly typical, but one day recently, things were just too odd. i was taking care of the asian wife who couldn't speak any english. the husband, a caucasian male, was telling me about his wife's situation. it sounded like he was talking about a pet who was sick and he was kind of getting bored with his pet. the husband was unenthusiastic, uncaring, etc. with things relating to his wife. to his wife, he said no comforting words, no reassuring should/arm pat, no nod that everything was going to be ok. nothing. he just seemed to fed up. i guess he was expecting her to be some secret nypmomaniac servant to do his pathetic bidding. i bet he didn't realize that his wife is actually a smart woman. when his wife was having some issues during the visit, he didn't show any concern about her. although she couldn't speak english, it was pretty obviosu that she is a smart and strong woman, who happens to be stuck in a country where she can't speak the main language and legally bound to this dork of all dorks.
in almost every couple that i typically meet, i have always seen a high level of concern, love, care, etc from the wife or husband accompanying their spouse. its all in the body language. with this couple, it was nothing. sometimes, i worry about this woman. i don't know her situation, but it seems to me that her husband in a heartless, miserable man who is selfish. when this woman learns english, i hope she leaves him or else she'll be stuck in a miserable life and a loveless marriage with this soulless man.
i know someone woman in poor countries really don't have any other choice but to be married off to some loser with not social skills or a heart, but no human being ever deserves to be stuck in misery such as this.
my best friend always mention to me he wanted to buy a bride from some poorer countries, due to his loss faith in gals around him... I wonder how guys would have this kind of ideas?!
I grew up in Asia half of my life, and there are two things that happen there. 1) the girls actually have to pay a dowry for the men, 2) the men pay a dowry for the girl. Mostly the girls there are the ones who pay the dowry. Most of these marriages are arrange, few of them are actual love. But they always seem to work out. But these people are from the same culture and it's easier.
If some guy goes from America, lets say to India or something and pays her father to marry her, it probably wont work out. They are from two different cultures, and the girl is probably going to use him just to get to America. I've seen this happen before. It's not a good idea.
I myself married someone from Asia, but I grew up there most of my life and knew the guy since I was very little. He paid a dowry for me according to his cultural custom, and so far everything is fine. But it's different cause I grew up there and we get along well. It would've been much harder if I had never met him, married him, brought him back to America with me, and prayed everything would go over well. It probably wouldn't have worked and we probably would've got a divorce.
I don't like the idea of a man "buying" a girl just because he hasn't had any "luck". It wont go over well most likely, and it's better just to find someone from your own country, who you actually love. That's my suggestion.
Well, first of all, if you are paying for a woman you have never met...could you honestly be so disappointed if she left you or had an affair? Honestly, if you are accepting that you are BUYING a woman than you are accepting that its obviously not about love.
And next, how sad is it that women can be bought! Like someone could buy a cow or some other type of animal, you can actually BUY a woman....a HUMAN BEING...nowadays. I'm not a big feminist but even I find that very degrading. I've never heard of a woman being able to LITERALLY buy a man. This goes beyond dowries, this is like a purchase you could make anywhere.
Last but not least, in Judaism, there is a wedding contract called the Ketubah and in that the groom promises certain things to the wife ranging from emotional promises to monetary things. The wife also has to bring him a SIGNIFICANT dowry as well.
You really should do your research before accusing all women as being money hungry and displaying yourself as the poor put upon male. Most women are simply in the search for true love.
I don't think anyone should "buy" their bride. First off, you're generally going to a place in which people are poorer than you. These women are not likely going to have any real feelings for you. They probably want to get out and see this as a chance to go. Whether that's right or wrong isn't the issue, but I doubt many of the brides are going because the perfect man has just appeared.
Secondly, the men who tend to do this kind of thing are the ones who bitch about "American women" being too much like men, too bitchy and assertive, too spoiled and dominant. They want a little submissive wife who will play to their fantasies - she'll cook, clean, have sex with him (and of course, she will orgasm every time whether or not he's making an attempt to help her enjoy it), she'll never tell him what to do (partially because he thinks she won't speak English), she won't demand gifts, etc. etc. So where do they go? Southeast Asia. That's racism, plain and simple. These men have this idea of a little "Oriental flower" and that's really not what they're going to get. These men are predators. They go after (generally) young women and exploit the fact that many of them are poor and undereducated.
Thirdly, it's wrong to buy another human. Women aren't for sale. They are living, breathing, thinking, feelings beings, and they should not be bought and sold. She has an opinion. She has a voice. And what a shock to these men when their little submissive wife raises her voice or wants something that he hasn't placed into his stereotyped fantasy.
Fourthly, these women have no power in the country they've moving to (note that the husband, despite his displeasure with his own culture, rarely wants to move into hers). They are not citizens. They are protected technically, but if they have no passport or legal documentation other than a marriage, they aren't able to leave. He can control her and keep her where he wants her.
I don't think it's wrong to marry someone from another country or another culture. As long as it's freely chosen, go for it! I think it's wrong to try to exploit a woman for her position in life because you think that you can't find a "good woman" in your country.
Not all men who want to use bride services are this way. But I think the service attracts the kind of men who want to control a woman and keep her in a social position that he expects will be easier if she is foreign.
I hear about these things and it makes me really sad actually especially if either sex is a kind person being screwed over by the other person (Psycho husband, conniving wife). I can understand why either sex choose this path but I think it's more based on needs rather than love. When you can't have the ideal you need to go for what works I guess....
it's all relative i think, depending on how much money the bride has and how much money the groom has.
My husband went to China and met an asian woman and has left me for her. It is sad that young women are being exploited by these older men and then the women that they left them for have to start all over. A 20 year marriage down the tube becuase these asian women are trained to lure american men. I can tell you that in America, women are sick of the men who bring back foreign brides. #1 we know they will be treated like crap. #2 Americans know the man paid for his bride. It is shunned upon and disgusting here in America. My husband is dating a girl our childs age. To me that is a sexual predator. And she will be treated like crap when he gets her here becaue he is the classic Passive/Agressive. I only hope she leaves him before he destroys her life like he has mine.