This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader. Recently, I saw my ex on the street and because it'd been a long time since I'd made any contact with him whatsoever, I thought I'd say hello. It was a very fast "Hi" and a wave. I didn't see any harm in that, and later that day, I even told my boyfriend; he didn't seem to mind. I worry sometimes that he thinks I tell him these things to make him jealous, but it's actually for me. I don't like to keep things from my significant other. Which brings me to my point about emailing.
Ever since my nonchalant 'hi' to my ex , he contacted me on Facebook but I didn't add him as a friend (we weren't friends on the site before) and I don't plan on adding him. He asked me for my email and I gave it to him...only my Blackberry one.
I don't want him in my life; our emails are pure 411 on each other's lives. He even asked me about my boyfriend and said he's seen me around a couple of times. So he knows I'm with someone; I don't care if he's with anyone, which is why I didn't ask. I don't really care if we're talking because I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, but I was never the type to be friends with my exes. I guess it's 'cause every time we tried to be friends, I was single and not really happy with my life. It drove me to want to be with my exes again.
But now, I'm very happy with my life and I love being with my boyfriend (even though we only see each other a total of 20 minutes in the week and sometimes Fridays). I'm not saying I don't miss him and I often do think that I want more time with him, but we are both busy people. I know for sure that this talking to my ex on the email will not lead me to do anything to jeopardize my relationship.
Now the question is...should I tell my boyfriend that I've been exchanging emails with my ex or should I just leave it be? I mean, I don't have my ex's number stored on my phone, he's not my Facebook friend and I know for sure that I will never go back to him. It's killing me that I want to tell my boyfriend, but I'm scared that there'll be unnecessary drama.
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Comments (51)
Ohhhh I would tell the bf just so it's out in the open. And if he finds it threatening, then its up to you whether you want to continue to exchange emails with your ex or not. If you feel that this will somehow jeopardize your relationship then I would cut the ex out of the equation. I'm sure if it comes down to it, your ex would understand that your SO isn't comfortable with you being friends with him as you would probably do the same (withdraw from the equation) if your ex's new SO is uncomfortable with the idea of you two being friends.
Honestly, if I were your bf and I find out that you've been exchanging emails with your ex even though he's not on your phone list nor is he added on your FB, I would wonder why you're trying to "hide" him. (Thats what it seems like).
GOOD LUCK!! :o)
TELL THE BF. BUT MAKE SURE THE BF IS THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE IN MIND :)
If you have to ask if you should tell, you should tell.
Just tell him. It shows that you can be completely honest with him and that nothing is going on. If he understands, he will be reasonable and not mind.
for the love of alltt that is Good in the world, though it seems like no biggie, just bring it up to him. I've been in this situation before and I said nothing and my sig other found out about it later and had problems trusting me simply b/c i didn't bring up some stupid emails. Not saying that is going to happen to you, but IMO it's better to head it off before it gets to the pass.
It sounds to me like maybe you are unconsciously reaching out a hand to your boyfriend, testing out the relationship, are maybe you aren't completely happy. It seems to me "20 minutes during the week" is very little time invested in you and him.
In my opinion it is not appropriate to be emailing the ex. it leaves room for things to happen. I don't know if I would tell him anything or not, instead I would examine my own motives and go from there. You say your boyfriend makes you happy. Well If it is more time together etc. I would be honest, tell him what my needs are and go from there.
It's better to tell him than for him to find out on his own.
I would tell my boyfriend, well I should anyways. I emailed my ex because I needed some advice about what to do in my relationship since he knows both me and my boyfriend. But I never told my boyfriend about it. I tell my boyfriend whenever he calls me. He probably finds him threatening but I tell him anyways because everything should be out in the open. If he finds out that you're emailing your ex, he'll wonder why you didn't tell him and then get all pissy about it.
@raved@xanga - i agree.
use lines somewhere around this...remember when i told you i saw so and so? well so and so emailed me. i thought i just let you know. its better than telling you right now that you having to find it from someone else.
If I were you, i would probably not tell my boyfriend to avoid confontation. Your boyfriend would probably be wondering why you are casually talking to your ex and what is it that you need to talk to him about. The hi && bye was ok so when you told your boyfriend you had seen him, he didnt trip. Your boyfriend may think that the ex is trying to get back with you. Although your intentions are completely innocent...your ex's may not be..He is an ex for a reason. On the other hand, you may want to tell your boyfriend so that he finds out from you directly and not slip up and find out on his own. That would make you seem guilty when you are completely innocent. If the conversations are strictly friend to friend and you have nothing to hide then you should consider telling your significant other!!...
TreionMarie<3
I think just mention it to your bf casually. Don't make a big deal out of it or it's gonna seem suspicious :p
Good Luck! <3
keeping off your phone directory, facebook friends, etc etc...that seems like a lot of obfuscation for a person who allegedly keeps a transparent relationship with her boyfriend.
when you say you'll never go back to him...is that a statement to everyone? or to yourself...trying to reinforce that concept?
i don't think you're as happy as you claim to be.
I already gave you my two cents, girl! Stay happy! :)
Just tell him and be openly honest
Cause you're not doing anything wrong
You avoid your ex as much as possible by not adding him on Facebook etc
& good for you for doing that, being open with your Bf and tell him stuff
if you feel the need to,
then you probably should tell your boyfriend.
there shouldn't be 'guilt' in a relationship and you're supposed to be honest with each other right?
personally if I was in your position I would just tell my boyfriend.
I'd rather cause drama and come clean than keep things from him, especially if you kind of feel like you should tell him.
Like most of your comments, I agree with them. I think you should tell your boyfriend. It doesn't seem like your doing any harm but it may offend him if you don't tell him now and he finds out later.
Good Luck :)
I think that if it is just casual conversation....then u don't have to. But if u two are talking about your past together and etc., then yes tell your bf. Trust your gut.
Tell him. He'll believe that it is purely innocent 411 as you called it more if you tell him then if he finds out somewhere else. Plus, I don't think things like that should be kept secret from your BF. No I wouldn't tell my guy about every thing my ex and I say to each other, but I do tell him when we talk and the general tone of the conversation.Â
You should tell him. If you don't and he finds out he'll be pissed. Something like this happened to me, I saw my ex on the street for the first time since we broke up, I waved. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time because it seemed so insignificant. Then my ex decided to stop by my apartment when I wasn't there and leave a note with his phone number on it telling me to call him. It wouldn't have been bad except for the fact that I live with my current boyfriend and he found the note and was jealous and upset. He started asking me all these questions. Avoid hurting your boyfriend later on. Just tell him and deal with the drama now.
Tell him. You don't want to keep anything like that from your significant other, especially talk to an ex.
I most likely wouldn't say anything as far as bringing it up myself. But wouldn't be hesitant to answer if he asked. Just basically go about it like it's not a big deal, since you said it isn't.
And it really isn't... talking to an ex isn't threatening if there's nothing going on between you two. My ex is one of my best friends, and I know my boyfriend knows that I don't have feelings for him.
If he somehow finds out on his own and finds it threatening, show him the e-mails to prove to him he has nothing to worry about.
Yeah, you should definitely tell your bf about what happened. It's better to tell him about it now than for him to find out later on his own and start questioning you. :\
And you're doing the right thing by not adding him on Facebook and what not. Avoid your ex as much as possible. :\
i would tell, just because there is no reason not to. so long as you tell him casually, there should be no problem. if you don't like keeping things from your boyfriend, telling him seems perfectly normal. not to mention that should he somehow find out that you two have been talking, he would probably start to question you, and that's no good.
i mean, it's completely possible for two people to have dated ,and still are able to maintain a friendship. one of my ex's and i have been friends since we broke up, we see each other here and there, say hello, and occasionally hang out for a few hours- and it's all strictly friendship.
you don't want him in your life yet you exchanged email just to get the 411...what the heck is that? if you don't want him in your life, don't exchange anything. if you do want him in your life, tell your bf.
Tell your boyfriend. It's not like he'll fly into a jealous rage if you really DO feel the way you do.