Thursday, 06 November 2008
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So You're Friends with Your Ex -- But What KIND of Friends?
This is a guest blog submitted by kaleidescopeeyes88.A while ago, this blog featured a question about being friends with one's ex. For the most part, readers responded in two ways: 1.) No, I could never be friends with an ex, and 2.) Yes, I am able to be friends with an ex, but only after some time as elapsed. Most of my friends also echoed these responses. They've either lost contact with their exes entirely since the breakup and think that that was the best or they've become friends with their ex after they've gained emotional distance from the relationship.
My ex and I are sort of doing a "no contact" phase right now, which is something that I initiated because I needed to focus on healing from the breakup without him. I'm still not entirely over him, but I have gotten enough distance from our relationship to know that should I want to be friends with him, it won't be out of wanting to be with him. I simply value him as a person, and that's why I would like to be friends one day. While we were together, we could talk to each other about everything. I accept that we'll never have that same dynamic again, but the idea that we might end up as nothing more than friendly acquaintances who only touch base on birthdays and holidays makes me sad.
So, for those of you who have been able to maintain a friendship with an ex, what kind of friends are you? Did you have to start from scratch, only offering each other friendly hellos and superficial updates on the events of your life, or do you confide in each other about personal thoughts and feelings? How intimate is your friendship?
And if you are really good friends with your ex, how did you get there? How long did it take? How careful did you have to be?
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Comments (90)
I don't talk to two of my ex's, period. I no longer/very rarely talk to one of my ex's. The other two are more like acquaintances, people I occasionally talk to but will give a hug if I run into them in person.
I've never been good friends with an ex because I never wanted to be. I mostly date douchebags, so it's understandable.
I can't be friend's with any EX's once I do more than hold hands with them.
My exes and I act more or less like acquaintances. Every once in a while we might talk about something that isn't so superficial though.
I guess part of the reason why I'm not as close to them is also because they all moved away. I'm in MD, while my three most significant exes are in NY, CO, and NJ. I like to think that if they were around we would be at least friends.
My ex and I are still pretty much best friends. This was because we were best friends before the relationship, and I guess also because he's my neighbor and I rely on him for rides.
My ex calls me about three times a day, emails, forwards, texts, etc. He initiates most of the conversations but always has...I hate the phone. In addition we see each other about once a week or every other week. We talk about everything, eat dinner together, watch movies, etc....things are quite comfortable.
I am friends with all of them. We still hang out. I try to keep the state of friendship as platonic as possible, as to respect their current relationship. I don't turn them down, when they ask me to advise them, but I make it to a point to make sure that they don't totally follow my advice - only, consider. I'm not romantically involved with any of my exes. We do talk about the past, some of the times, but only for laughing sakes. I don't talk about the past with them as if it's something to regret. And I assure them that I've forgiven them for whatever wrongs they've done to me, but I have not forgotten any of those. You see, it's okay to be friends with them, as long as you make it a platonic friendship, when they're already committed.
I tried once. On my part it was okay, but he didn't know the meaning of just friendship.
My ex and I are what we are to each other, ex's. There's still a certain attraction, but I no longer like the person. We talk from time to time, but I wouldn't say we're friends either. This is after 1.5 years of separation for me to grow completely emotional detached from her. I can only be friend with someone I'm not attracted to, otherwise, it will affect our friendship one way or another.
my boyfriend broke up with me on Tuesday.
I love him to death, and he is my best friend, however, right now it hurts because I want to see him so badly.
I know when I'm feeling better, I will definitely be able to hang out with him.
However, the reasons he broke up with me were just excuses to me.
I'll love him no matter what, and if he eventually decides he wants me back, I may take him. However, right now, he's just my best friend. And if I find a new boyfriend before he wants me back, he's going to have to deal with it...
being friends with an ex is easier said than done.
when my ex and I broke up last month,
right after the break up he was being friendly..
like... a bit too friendly.
to a point where I thought he wants me to be his girl on the side...
and part of that still kind of stands true
I ended up telling him to stay away even though we agreed on being good friends... like brother and sister...
personally I don't think I can be friends with him..
we SAY we're friends...
but realistically we had 2 of those 'hey what's up?' conversations since last month...
once breakup, can never be friends again.
Being friends with my ex took MONTHS. But it started with fighting about everything. Even though we weren't trying to fix everything and get back together, it was still important to fight out the issues we were having. It was important to recognize why we were fighting. After we broke through the issues that wreaked our relationship, putting together a friendship was easy.
After all, we had to be friends at some point while we were together.
I find that once you work out all the issues, friendship is easy, it's getting over the broken heart from a lost love that takes time.
Our friendship is almost unrealisticly close though.. I don't expect anyone else in the world to be like we are. We still say I love you, and we still fall asleep on the couch watching movies together. However there is way too much broken damage to ever be in love anymore. We're close, but even we have limits.
Took awhile..2 years of not talking. And it's not like we absolutely hated each other or something. We talked maybe umm...4 times. Then I got married and moved closer and he talks to me a lot more often. We're actually very good friends. Him and my husband are even best friends.
We have conversations that get a little deep SOMEtimes, but i try not to do that a lot because when the opposite sex listens to you and understands often, you start to have feelings for them because you're having that emotional connection that women need. I basically just try to keep the conversations general and not emotional.
it's really difficult to be friends with an ex and it really depends on the lenght of time you two were together and the type of relationship you had. i'm on good terms with all my ex's. my latest ex i'm still in the not talking phase. it'll probably stay there because he was abusive and i'd rather not talk to him again. but the longest relationship i was in, the first time i fell in love, true love, ended about 8 months ago. we wanted to get married. we wanted to spend forever together and all that. but then we broke up. mainly my fault, i screwed up. but afterwards i considered sisterhood. yes, a convent. because i only wanted to marry him and i believed that was god's plan. but now. i'm pretty good friends with my ex. we hang out, even alone, we talk, alot, and tell each other really secret things. basically, it took a while to get to this point. it only happened recently and only after a bunch of awkward conversations. it was really tense at first. of course. but if you want to be friends with your ex, you need to go into it slowly. and make sure you can talk to him, see him in person, spend time with him and all that stuff, and still be concrete in the fact that you two are not meant to be together anymore. that you don't want to and have no feelings for it. of course, you can care deeply. i still love my ex and always will and care a lot for him and would almost anything. but i realized that things happen for a reason and when you realize that you are able to create a good relationship. and it's better too, because you never want to lose such a great friend through a breakup. the one person you used to tell everything to. and the best part is, is that you both don't have any expectations more than friends and so it can't get complicated. but ti's really though and mostly takes time and letting go to reach that point. but it's very much worth it.
I still talk to my exes, but only if we end up seeing each other for something. It's just out of politeness, not because we actually want to talk.
With my most recent ex I tried to be friends with him after we split but I don't think he really wanted to be. I still see my first ex from time to time though... I met one of his friends while we were going out (it was a couple of years ago) and she and I stayed friends after I broke up with the guy. Now her and my ex have been going out for about 2 years, I think, and I'm really happy for both of them and they're in love and I think heading towards marriage in the near future. My husband and I had dinner with both of them once a few months ago and it was very pleasant and we've seen each other a few other times since we've split. It's not exactly a friendship I'd say, but the only reason for that is because the two of them live about 40 minutes-an hour away so if we lived closer I imagine we'd all be better friends.
My ex and I are still bestfriends, We are actually Roommates and I wouldnt want it any other way. Sure its hard seeing each other with different people, but at the end of the day we still come home to each other. And we know that no matter what we will always have each other as friends. We often still tell each other we love one another, cause we do!
With one of my exes, we were never in love, so we went straight back to being friends afterwards, like we had been before we dated, and nothing was different. I have lost contact with him, but when I do see him again, it's just like old times.
With my other one, I do not have contact with him, other than the message board we are both on, and I do not wish to have contact with him ever again. He said some very mean things to me, and I could never look him in the face again knowing he thinks those things of me, even if I know they are not true.
What's awkward is that my current crush is on that same message board.
I can never be friends with an ex.
I am friends with my ex-bf. In fact we are now good friends in a sense that we can talk about anything and everything even about other men/women in our lives. It took a year for us to talk again and decide that there shouldn't be any reason for us not to be friends because when were together we loved each other so much so there's no reason to be mad.but then it doesn't always work to everyone, it depends on the reason of the break up but I have always believed that time heals all wound. :)
It's really difficult to become friends with an ex again. Honestly, it takes TWO really mature people in order to be friends again. You may want to be friends and nothing more, but your ex may want it to be a booty call or vice versa. How do you go from being "romantic" with someone and then go back to being "platonic" after you've shared intimate moments together? It's tough, but not impossible.
I'm still great friends with 2 of my exes. The 1st ex, we stopped all communications for 4-5 years immediately after our breakup before I looked him up again about 7 yrs later (he never changed his email). We hung out for the 1st time after our breakup (7 yrs later), and sparks flew but I had a bf at the time. It's been about 3 yrs since I've seen him now but we're still good friends. In fact, he gave me moral/emotional support during my last breakup. I dont keep in touch with any other exes because I personally felt that they didn't value me as a person or gf (at the time) so I don't keep them around. I don't like keeping "negativity" around. But if you truly believe that he deserves to be your friend again, then go for it. But make sure that all emotional strings have been cut.
Another thing to consider too. Not ALL SO's will accept the fact that you're still good friends with an ex. Their feelings may be another consideration for cutting all ties with your exes. I would hope that my SO understands but at the same time, I wouldn't K.I.T. w/ an ex if my SO feels threatened by it. But that's out of respect for my SO and not because he's trying to control who I befriend.
My ex and I were together for two years, and he was one of my best friends. When we broke up in July, I thought we were going to loose that. I was wrong. We chatted a little bit every once in a while for a couple of months, then a few bad things happened to me. When I needed someone to confide in, he was the one I wanted to turn to. Like always, he wanted to be there for me. Now we are as good of friends as we ever were. The only thing we do not talk about is people we see or are interested in.
I'm currently working on curating a friendship with an ex. It's rough right now because I think there's still not enough emotional distance between us (it was a very complicated relationship so we're still dealing with some drama) but I think we will be able to be friends. I hope so at least. It's just rough right now because we're coming back from the time elapsed apart phase but we're still having a little trouble getting into the swing of things as friends. We were never really just friends before we started dating, so we don't really know how to be friends and we're trying to figure that out now.
My last ex I am not friends with. I haven't spoken with him since we broke up. The last time I saw him was when I was picking up my furniture that he was borrowing. I think that is because this was a more serious relationship than any other that I have had.
My ex from high school I still talk to every once in a while. We used to get together to hang out every once in a while but he has a kid now and we haven't seen each other in at least a year.
Other exes from high school I haven't seen since high school, I definitely haven't talked to them.
So basically here my answer is no, I am not friends with any of my exes.