This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader. Everyone likes the game of chase in the relationship. It keeps you
young and fresh and the thought of the other person just makes your
heart flutter -- but you have to remember that you're trying to make
them fall for you. Some people would argue that the dating process is
more exciting than the actual relationship.
I've done various things to
the guy that I had a crush on, including buying him presents, baking,
talking to him online and/or on the phone, even up to the point of proposing my
feelings -- always the pursuer. But...I have a problem. None of it
ever works.
I'll ask my female friends and family why and they tell me
that I'm "too available" that I'm too "easy". Well, in fact, that may
be true 'cause generally I end up obsessing over the guy and whenever he
gives attention to me, I can't resist and I don't miss the chance to
talk to him.
So here's my question: How do you play the game? How do
you keep yourself open but closed enough to remain mysterious enough
that the crush remains interested? Are there specific rules that you
follow, and do they really work?
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Comments (49)
hehe Read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches". I've recommended this book to so many of my girl friends. I used to be like you in my last relationship. I started to realize that I've become more of a mother figure rather than the "girl of my dreams" type for my ex.
I used to go out of my way to do things for guys too. It NEVER works. I never understood why??? After I read that book, some things made sense and it shed a light to all my unsolved mysteries. I was never afraid to speak my mind nor was I ever afraid to ask for what I want. But the more I gave, the more it drove the guy away. I think they saw me as "needy" or "clingy" although I wasn't. I just liked doing nice things for people. *SHRUG* Oh well, next victim. MUAHAHA
Gah! Don't play games! Games are stupid. Games are the reason relationships don't work.
Just don't pour your heart to the guy or get clingy. Get to know him slowly, as you would get to know anyone else and don't text him every 5 minutes, and it will be fine. You don't want to reveal too much of yourself to anyone when you're first getting to know someone, regardless of whether you're romantically interested or not. But don't play games. Games are stupid.
eyesochinky (a rather improbable username) is onto something here -- it's sort of the same reason how girls tend to be less receptive to guys who make themselves too available to a girl. it's all about supply and demand, and if you seem like you're harder to get, you at least create the effect that you're more of an asset (sorry to make this sound so economical, but it's just easiest for me to describe it this way. of course women are more than just tangible assets, but you get my point...)
that being said, it really depends on what kind of person you are and how the guy views you. if the guy does have an interest in you, i think some teasing and give-and-take are more likely to work in your favor because it creates excitement, and shows just enough of your interest without making you come across as being too clingy or needy. on the other hand, if the guy's just not into you, it doesn't really matter how you act.
Be what you would like him to want you to be. If he doesn't, then you didn't actually like him, geddit?
I'm not sure. This guy at work has a crush on me, and the only thing I'm not (of those) are available. I have a boyfriend. However I do give him time and we talk frequently on the phone and I baked him brownies for his birthday.
And still he's crazy about me (or so I'm told). Maybe get a fake boyfriend and just be unavailable and then they'll want all that time you can't give them? That's seems to be the big issue with me @.@
the other thing is, you may not necessarily want to go into things with the mission of playing a game; rather, keep the idea of the "game" in the back of your mind, but just be yourself. i know there are a lot of books on "games" written for both guys and girls, but all too often i think people get way too consumed in the tactics, rules, and whatnot, and frankly all of that stuff is not all that relevant or even practical since every person's situation is different. that being said, i think the best way to go into things is just to have a good time and not have too many expectations, but give enough indications of interest so that the guy's aware that there's some potential. but you really want to try to train yourself NOT to be too concerned about outcomes, because that type of mindset will cause you to act in certain ways that might not be all that desirable to men.
think about it this way -- you know how girls often seem to have a radar or sixth sense for guys that are "on the prowl" or that are "trying too hard"? well, guys tend to notice the same thing too. of course, our radars are probably not as finely attuned as yours are, but it's all in the same -- any girl that tries too hard will get us in the mindset of thinking that they're either too easy, or there's just something that's not so great about them (however unfair that might be). if you think the guy you're going after deserves you, be happy for that and stand your ground, and remember that you probably have as much to offer to him as he has to you.
Guy's don't like girls who are too clingy and needy. When i act like that it just drives them away. I'm the same way with guys who also become clingy and needy. I don't want them. Its a turn off.
If he is interested, then he will be trying to be with you too. You shouldn't be the only one trying to get his attention.
Act like you have a life & don't always make yourself too available. Make him chase you & wonder what you're up to.
I have finally started to make these changes & it has worked for me!
don't play games. be who you are and love it, guys who gravitate towards that will appreciate you more. also you sound like you put too much emphasis on the guy and that is never a good thing. I have a friend like that and she always seems to set herself up for disappointment; don't do that to yourself!
Well, games when dating can be infuriating. It means usually one or two things, one of which is that it's just the way that person works, or it's a subtext for something and you need a decoder ring. Personally, I don't make time for that crap. I'm a busy guy, and how I spend my time on this earth is important to me, and I don't jump through hoops for people. Stand up, be confident! You are worthy, you are smart, and you are strong. Believe it, sister!
i think you are the type of person who gets 'addicted' to the other person.
..and (i think) that freaks people out (especially when it's a girl addicted to a guy).
you're being nice, but he probably thinks you're insane.
so..
losen up.
learn to (first) wait, (second) receive and (lastly) deal.
relationship doesn't work one-way.. no matter how much you have a crush on a guy, it ain' gonna become 'relationship' if he doesn't feel anything responsive to your signals.
move on with life. there are other better things to be addicted on than guys.. such as chocolate, icecream, fruits, sports (to burn off all that calorie) and books.
Mmm..... specific rules? I'm sure if people thought hard enough they could write it down but really it's just a knowledge of the right combination of playing hard to get and yet available (but not to available.) Welcome to the dangerous confusing ever changing world of relationships
I am not much help. With my now husband I always made myself super available and went after him as much as possible. I would try to find him at work (we worked together), ask him to hang out, invite him over to play a video game or something, see if he wanted to get dinner. If he called I always rearranged my plans. I talked to him online, I would try to find him on campus. Meet him for lunch. Whatever I could do to make myself available and I made sure not to get upset when he said he had other plans. I didn't expect him to cancel everything for me. I guess it was just my way of showing him how much I cared. I was there for him but he didn't have to be attached to me at all times.
Now it's another story after we had actually been dating a couple months. I made sure to try to not lose the rest of my friends and of course he understood. He wanted time with his friends too. But I also didn't ignore him. I just wasn't 100% available like I was before. I only did it at first to show my interest and once he knew that I really liked him a lot I didn't have to try as hard to keep him around.
just be yourself, and don't play games. games are bad.
anyways, on a side note, isn't it funny how girls seem to be attracted to guys who are already in a relationship? :P
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - isn't it funny how 10 million guys get on your jock when you have a bf? =)
Girls& Guys are very similiar in the world..just..different sex genders. Anyways, I'll pull out my crazy advice later. Stay tune.
oh, i remember trying to chase after this girl, who was overplaying the game.. sorry, no names will be mentioned as i respect every girl i've dated and every girl i've been in relationships with.. anyways, whenever i asked this girl out (not out of my way, since i'm inviting her to what i usually do), she plays the unavailablity game.. and she rarely picks up my call and the times that she misses my call, she doesn't really return the calls.. i usually call two-three times a week (since she rarely picks up), so i wouldn't call myself clingy as i also have a busy life (school, homework/projects/presentation, workout, volunteer, volleyball).. anyways, this went on for about three-four months.. i just stopped all contacts with her, and several weeks later, i receive a message from her telling me that she was sorry, that she wants to make up to me, and that she was busy, etc.. clearly she was doing what her cousin told her (and not to mention, her cousin actually found me hot)..
ugh, i've moved on.. overplaying the game is just plain unattractive..
My tactic, which has always worked, is to ignore 50% of the urges I have to call/text/meet up with the guy. Then, I avoid half the meet ups HE wants to do past 9 o'clock. That way, you don't seem obsessive to him. And if all he wants is in your pants, your cutting that chance down by a lot if you only see each other during the day.
But that's just me... so far it has worked out.
Ooooh....the chase is lovely...men love to pursue....sigh...and it's so awesome....
Just remember:
A woman must be like a mouse trap!! A mouse trap doesn't pursue the mouse but it catches it all the same.
Seriously, in any relationship...you must maintain your own interests....in essence maintain your own individuality....have your own life....
When you stand on your own and appreciate yourself...really love yourself.....You become irresistable.....
Games are stupid.
If you're trying to land a guy who doesn't love and respect the straightforward and "available" person you are, don't change just to try to get a date.
I went through an unrequited love experience lately, and many times it crossed my mind that I should try to play "the game." But my respect for her would not let me do something like that.
Thing to remember, when playing a game - someone always wins, and someone always loses.
If you "win," then you effectively tricked him into a relationship. For that, there will probably always be some resentment on his side, or some issue will arise that will bring a lot of heartbreak.
Take a loss this time. Move on, and let him move on. Playing the kind of "game" you're talking about, if you "win," he loses. And if he loses, you lose too.
As everyone else has said, it isn't necessarily about games, not if you actually want something genuine with someone. If you do want to play games, yeah, it's just about holding your own and not being readily available, but always sticking to your own thing... though truly I think that's only a variation of what it actually takes to do it for real, just that for "games" it's more intentional.
The main thing that has worked successfully for my relationships or when guys might like me, is when I maintain my independence and not give in to giving them everything right away. As others have said, it's about getting to know someone slowly and maintaining your own interests and self. It's a mixture of chemistry and individuality (results may vary), the more you demonstrate that you have a lot to share, like passions, hobbies, and things that make you unique, the more interested individuals will want to be a part of that and find out more...
When you drop all for someone off the bat and are too eager to give them everything, it doesn't allow for that gradual building of a foundation... it takes time to really get to know another person. Maybe instead of full out pursuing, you should also take the time to sit back and really assess who they are versus getting too carried away with the fluffy image that crushes can generate. In the end, do they really have all the characteristics and interests that warrant them as someone who is worthy of all your time and efforts?
But yeah, IMO, basically it comes down to just maintaining your own time for you and for your interests pre-crush, and not getting too swept away with letting them consume too much of your energy. After the initial period, whatever happens in the actual relationship can be much different, but you gotta get to that pt first.
@rocknrollklown@xanga - amen to that.
if the guy likes you, he''ll be interetsed.. whether you do all that or not.. maybe he's just not that into you..
Don't give away too much when you first meet a guy. Those of us who really like you will find a way to earn your trust, but we're turned off when we get it too easily. We like to feel special. We like to think we've overcome some sort of challenge; we like to feel that our connection with you is something special that not every other guy can have. And while most girls who 'play the game' take it too far, knowing when to put up and take down barriers will help you get the guy that you like.
Also, guys tend to like things that they're not sure they can have. I can't explain it really, but a girl who indicates that I can't get her right from the getgo often times makes me want her more.
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - She's probably got another dood on the side :oP
date like a man
so you don't get played like a bitch:Ddon't take it too seriously peopleit's just a joke aight?