Wednesday, 05 November 2008
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He Lied about His Age - Can I Trust Him?
This is a guest blog submitted by floryo.I have been dating with a guy for about a month, and he told me that he was 20 when we first met. It actually took me quite some time to get over with the fact that I'm a year and a half older than he is - I'm 21. He's said he likes me a lot when we had serious conversations about "us".
The last time I saw him (two days ago), we had a talked about moving on to make us "official". I'm the kind of person that would rather not like anyone and be single than be hurt from a relationship. I told him that I really liked him and wanted to make him my boyfriend. When I was about to decide I wanted to be in a relationship with him, he shocked me with the truth...he is only 19.
He said that if I knew his real age, I wouldn't even want to go on a date with him, and he wanted me to know him without judging him by his age. But I found it very unfair to me - I feel like I've been liking an imaginary person all that time. And I don't understand why he had to leave it until that moment to tell me the truth!
I always thought he was a little immature, but I think it's kinda cute for a 20-year-old guy to be a little childish. For a 19-year-old, though...maybe he is just one of those kids...
I dont know whether I still like him as much as I did before - I know I can't really trust him. If he lied about his age, who knows what else he's already lied about. I feel kinda scared to face him, too, because I feel like I don't know that person. At the same time, I don't really want to let him go 'cause I know that he is a nice guy(/kid?!) and he likes me a lot.
Depressing...the guy that I really like doesn't even exist.
What do I do with him now?
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Comments (64)
I wouldn't trust him after that.
But, he was RIGHT. You obviously have a problem with dating younger men, even if they otherwise are perfectly fine. So... you also just got own'd.
Nonetheless, after violating your trust like that, I imagine trusting him again would be hard. I think the fact that just because he's two years younger than you makes him a "kid" in your eyes shows the relationship obviously was not meant to work anyway.
Relationships are built on trust. You're right, if he's willing to lie about something as simple as age what else has he or will he lie about? Without trust, there just is no relationship. Let him know that then let him go. Maybe with the next girl, he'll be honest.
if he lied about his age, there's no redemption. lying about stuff that you'll eventually have to 'fess up to is stupid.
not that i'm condoning lying, but if you're gonna lie, it better be about something where there's a remote possibility that i might not find out.
i say toss him! because he deliberately mislead you to get you to date him. he didn't give you the opportunity to choose knowledgeably. besides... who says he wouldn't have been able to charm you even if you knew he was 19?
i'd toss him. but that's just me.
I think he is childish afterall... and I guess you will freak out very soon even if you choose to trust him again....
Has he been a good boyfriend?
He was probably just looking into the immediate future (one date) and didn't see where you guys might end up. He made a choice that impacted him immediately but thought nothing of the consequences. To me, this is even more of a reason why he's immature. He sounds kinda sleazy.
Being open and honest is so important in a relationship. If he lied now, for myself at least I'd be hesitant before allowing things to go farther.Â
Not a good start, but an apology is definately in order. It takes a lot to build trust again.
Well you did want him as a boyfriend. This is just your first obstacle of many in any relationship. You gotta work to make relationships/friendships work, and not quit whenever it gets a little hairy. So he pulled a fast one. He's ambitious!
I agree with most of what's been said here already: I don't think you can trust this guy. If he were really an honest individual, he would have been upfront about his age and told you he was nineteen. Then, if he were worthy of you, he would have put his best, most mature foot forward and given you a chance to get to know him, honestly, and then decide if you wanted to date him DESPITE the age difference. I think you should drop him like a bad habit. Not for being young, but for being a short-sighted liar who twisted the truth to get what he wanted with zero consideration for your feelings. A guy like that has got to go.
As a sidenote, I get it that at your age, a year and a half age difference seems huge. Keep in mind, however, that in a decade or so, it will be absolutely inconsequential. I'm 34, and the man I've been with for two years (and plan on spending the rest of my life with) is 29. That's right, a five and a half year age difference. Doesn't matter. Before meeting him, I dated guys anywhere from four years younger to guys twelve years older. So just stay open to the idea of men who aren't precisely your age. You might find someone wonderful--I know I did!
it's only been one month and this could go either way. I feel that trust is at the very top of the list. But taking a step back, he's 19.5 years old right? you can round up or round down. More accurately he's turning 20. Is that something you can accept or are you hung over a rounding error?
I'm not discounting the trust issue, but is this bigger than it really needs to be? it's a bit of a reach to say he wasn't totally honest with age, therefore he's a complete liar and i can never trust him again.
I can understand him lying because he just wanted you to give him a chance.
However, if you feel like you can't trust him anymore, you need to tell him that and either give it time to heal or leave him.
There's the possibility that the only thing he lied about is his age.
Try this suggestion on for size - having a sit down conversation with him that's completely honest and open. Maybe he'll surprise you with a whole bunch of nonsense, but maybe you'll be surprised to find out that the guy that you're now thinking never existed does...and is younger than you.
Love shouldn't be based on age and honestly, for a 21 year old, it sounds like you yourself still has some growing up to do. If he continues to lie to you, yes, you can and should kick him to the curb. Otherwise, get over it.
yeah lying is definitely a no-no and trust is essential in a relationship. but the fact that he fess up and apologize mean something I think. if you guys talk about it and make it a point that you would not accept anymore lies from him and to let him know he can always be honest with you then I think he might learn his lesson and you guys can move forward.
I'm not sure if it's the age difference or the lack of trust that is bothering you more.
I don't think the age difference should be a real issue. The boy has a good point about lying to you because as we can see now, the truth about his age does turn you off and bother you. However, you are right too in saying that it's hard to trust him if he had to lie about something so simple.
If you really like him though, then I'd give him a chance. However, I'd make it clear that there must be no lies from now on, or else it's just going to be a failed relationship.
One other thing that I'd like to point out is that when you guys did decide to make it official, he did come out with the truth... which means to me that perhaps when things are getting serious, he understands how important it is to be honest.
Personally a relationship is built on trust. If you feel like you can't trust him then there is NO point. In order to be with someone you have to trust them to do right by you and to you.
Cause if you feel like you can't trust him, what happens if he goes to hangs out with a bunch of girls? Or has a guy's night out? You'll be wondering what he's doing, who he's really with since he has lied before.
Though if you can get over that fact that he lied then age shouldn't be a problem. Age is just a number, if he makes you happy go for it. Who the hell cares what others think? (If you think that's a problem) I know I wouldn't care if I was dating an 18 year old (I'm 23) even if my friends say whatever they have to say. As long as I (in this case you) are happy GO FOR IT!
Take care!
i can see why this guy lied about his age, since you're so neurotic about it. i mean, the age difference between 21 and 19 1/2 isn't really enough to matter, if you're looking at it a little more logically. it's bad that he lied, but you wouldn't have given him a second thought if you knew how old he was. it seems like he just really liked you and wanted a chance to win you over. he probably wasn't trying to be sleazy, or sneaky, especially since he fessed up after you started getting more serious. i would give him more chances to convince you your self-imposed ageism may not be correct ;)
When you do make a decision, make sure you base your decision on the trust issue rather than the age issue. I wouldn't say it was a good thing that he lied to you about his age, but I can see why he did it and it is quite possible that it was the only lie he had said.
Try ignoring this one gaffle and just asked yourself if he has been a good guy to you. If so, give him a second chance.
If you are acting this way now, thinking he is such a kid just because he is 19 (only ONE year younger than the age he told you), then it's no wonder he lied in the first place! Honestly, it doesn't seem like you would have given him the chance. I don't think it's a bad lie, and you are taking this way overboard. It's not like he's some snotty 16 year old who pretended he was 21 (and this does happen, as well). Another year difference? Big deal. He'll only be a kid to you if you treat him like one.Â
The fact that he confessed to you his real age before y'all made it official, I think, is a good move on his part and shows how much he cares about you, as well. Think about if you found out on your own or he told you months into the relationship... THAT would make him a liar I know I wouldn't trust either. Just talk to him about how you felt about it and how you feel now.
Lols. I feel you, I had the same situation. But uhm, mine's with OLDER GUYS o_O?? Here..If you liked him before, what does age matter? CAN HE GET ON YOUR LEVEL? He wanted you to accept him as who he is, not based on his age... AGE IS JUST A NUMBER ! 32,23, 19, 91. But do what the heart ponderssssssss .... Age is nothing. He did a lot for you to notice him, you think you can trust him? Maybe. Maybe not..But I would go for it..I think? If it bothers that much, leave it.
You should never have to lie about something fundamental like age. My brother stopped dating a girl because she had initially told him she was half Chinese, when she was actually Korean. Stupid lie, right? She thought he would like her more since we're Chinese.
I understand your reaction if he had revealed himself to be 16 or 17, but it's only one more year. That's not much of a difference at all.
Yes, relationships are based on trust, and if you feel that you can never trust him again then break it off and move on with your life.
Then again, think of all of the reasons why he would have lied in the first place.
Ok, first off, it is not cute for a 20 year old boy to be childish.
Secondly, he does sound immature. Lying about your age is just that - immature. It doesn't, however, mean he's not trustworthy because he was just afraid you wouldn't give him a chance if you knew the truth. I personally could never date younger guys, but it seems like you really like each other and you might not want to throw that away over something like this.
You could ask him straight up, What else have you lied to me about?
If he came clean about his age on his own, maybe he isn't TOTALLY lost for decent.
The age difference between 21 and 19 isn't that big a deal... I mean, as long as he's not one of those jerks who tries to get you to buy him alcohol.
he probably lied out of insecurity. there are actually a lot of men who prefer slightly older women (including myself) but we feel like they won't give us the light of day because of our age, and perhaps a perception of lack of maturity (how wrong and silly girls can be sometimes)...
i guess the question is whether he lied about anything else, and you'll have to be the judge of that. you'll have to have a heart-to-heart chat with him and understand his motivations for lying about his age in the first place. after that, it's really up to your judgment as to whether or not this will work for you. i will say though that relationships should be predicated more on trust rather than age; at this point it's probably easier for you to get over the age factor (assuming you like him for other reasons) than it is for the trust factor. just think about it and be true to yourself.