This is a guest blog submitted by vanoakenfold.
I've got a super dealbreaker, and it seems like my only options are to
get set up or check out the internet for potential dates -- which
brings me to my question: At what point do you think is the best time
to bring up major dealbreakers?
There doesn't seem to be any feasible way to incorporate the fact
that I do not ever want kids (ever, nofreakingway) into a
romantically-intended let's-get-coffee suggestion -- because if she
does want them, we might as well not even bother with coffee. And I
don't want to get so wrapped up in the game that springing the issue
becomes a torn-between predicament.
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Comments (40)
Then dating ain't for you, pal.
One coffee doesn't make you romantically involved ... or maybe you should make your let's-get-coffee invitations less romantically motivated ...
make sure its clearly listed in your profile if you are doing online dating....
wear a tag that says "i hate kids". you'd be surprise how many headaches you can avoid with it.
Yeah, the way dating works, you can't avoid wasting some time. Suck it up and accept it as a sunk cost, just like buying a lottery ticket is necessary for you to win but is hardly any guarantee.
That said, wewong is on to something. Let the other person know as soon as things become serious.
@icicle84@xanga - You pretty much hit it, well played
Many woman also don't want kids. Many also hate them. It's okay to date women, even if they do want to have kids. It's not like they imagine their whole life with you by the second date or something.
To be honest with you, I don't think that subject needs to be brought up intentionally until you are actually planning (mutually) on getting married. It's just... irrelevant right now. That's how I, as a girl, feel. Others may be different though, since I also don't want kids. It does depend on the person. If she's a big family type, well then you probably know from the get go that you two aren't soulmates.
i hate kids too, and do not want a parasite. if i did, i'd get a tapeworm because then at least i'd lose weight instead of gaining weight & stretch marks.
it's easy to bring up actually...just mention how much you hate the nasty lil' buggers when they're screaming at the top of their damn lungs wherever you're having your date. :)
i'm not much on having a kid myself either (too much physical/emotional/hormonal changes sheesh).
there are more of us out there than you think.. ;)
no kids ever!!! wow..ok
i hate kids now but i would wanna have of my own someday...
but i guess it be ok to date...
It's okay to bring it up anytime. Personally, I think the sooner the better so everyone knows where they stand. The longer you wait and the more that things build up, the bigger the bomb it'll end up being.
On your myspace page, select the "I don't want kids" box.
I've got a super dealbreaker too... and also don't know when to mention it.
Thank you. For posting this.
[Even thought I know you didn't do it for me. <33]
if you're asking people out to coffee, you're probably older. and if you're dating women who are older, biological clocks ticking and everything, good luck!
A lot of people don't like kids, and then end up having their own. You always like your kid, even if all the other ones are the most annoying creatures that ever existed.
I can't stand 4 year olds. They ask way too many questions and repeart themselves a million times, but I know i'll love my daughter when she turns 4. (I hope so anyway, lol)
You might change your mind someday. As for now, just tell your date up front you don't want kids. There's plenty of women who don't want kids as well, whether it be because they're focused on their career or other reasons.
My eldest brother felt this way until he turned about 36 then he got lonely. met his wife and she wanted kids then he realy wanted kids. Or one. Then his son came along and he fell totally in love. then he got used to the fact he wanted another but she wasn't sure. and now their having number two and hes glowing more than she is.
So you may change your mind.Perhaps you haven't found the right one yet. He didnt want kids really until after he met her. so give it some time. but its a nice thing befroe ti gets serious to tell them you plan on not having kids.
good luck man
Haha I'm in the exact same boat, I never want kids - I took the internet dating route but to honest it wouldn't be one I recommend if you have a way of meeting people face to face. Then again I have no idea how internet dating would work from the guy's end - maybe it's better.
@wewong@xanga - Headaches *and* women, my friend. That sounds like a great option.
Just suck it up, man. So you might waste a little time. So you might get attached to her. All part of the whole "dating" deal. Just be honest with her whenever it comes up.
Well that is a rather big deal breaker for some, but how do you know that the other person wants kids? What happens if she gets pregnant unexpectidly? Those are real possibilities. So I would suggest having her know that before you start being sexually active together or when the subject of marriage comes up (which ever one is first). But not on the first date because if you are like that you might not have a lot of second dates.
i just toss my dealbreakers into the conversation casually. like i'll mention my friend's kid and how i loved seeing them on the weekend at the picnic, but i only like kids when i can give them back (though, kids aren't a deal breaker for me... but that's how i voice my preferences).
another approach... i've asked them what their deal breakers are and then they in turn ask me. i dunno... never seemed that awkward to me. or maybe i'm just oblivious because i'm blunt like that.
That really isn't as big of a deal breaker as you think... I've dated plenty of women that actually do not ever want kids. It was definitely a surprise but there are lots out there that love kids but don't want any of their own. Don't hide the fact that you don't want kids because it's part of who you are. If they don't like it then you'll find one that does.
I don't think it's a bad thing to tell them right off the bat. For the women who do want kids, they'll disagree and you'll go your separate ways.
But women who don't want kids often feel alienated from the rest of society. They're breaking out of the norm and that's scary. So when you tell them that you don't want kids either, that reassures them that they're not bad people in any way—there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
Any woman will be grateful that you brought the issue up early in the relationship.
I don't think this conversation needs to be initiated until you become intimate. You're assuming you are going to have a relationship before you have even had a first date. You or she may be a total jerk.
Also don't worry so much, there are plenty of men and women who share your feelings. I've been married thirteen years and no kids.
I think its something you have to ease into. I don't want kids either - and even tho i said that on my online dating profile, not everyone believes me. I HAVE OVARIES! I AM OF CHILD-BEARING AGE! People think if i don't want kids now, I will someday... but i disagree. It can be a deal breaker, but its something you have to discover. It's like if your dealbreaker was that you couldn't date anyone that left the seat down - it's something you have to take the risk and learn and hope for the best.
I have my own deal breaker - I WANT kids... However I don't think its something that needs to be discussed on that 1st date. I think it should be brought up when you find a person you want to pursue a serious exclusive relationship with. Until you find that person, have a good time.