Tuesday, 04 November 2008
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Weddings Make Single People Feel Bad About Themselves
"God created marriages, but the devil created weddings."
My brother recently got married. When he and his girlfriend announced their engagement, I was happy for them; when my mom cast a pitying glance in my direction and asked my sister-in-law where I would sit since I had no date, though, I was pissed. First, I still had a year. How hard could it be to find a date? Second, a wedding is supposed to be the celebration of a union, not the ostracization of single people. Everyone knows that Valentine's Day was created for the latter purpose.
Then the bridesmaid hazing began. I did not know my brother's fiancée that well, but she asked me to be a bridesmaid. This entailed wearing an ill-fitting dress and having my hair pulled back so tight that I had to take Tylenol breaks. My grandfather decided to compose a toast in verse, and asked me to translate. He kept using this one word, Hymeneious. I finally asked him what it meant. In Russian, Hymeneious is the god of marriage. A search on Wikipedia revealed that Hymen was the English analogue and had quite an unfortunate secondary meaning. I had to rewrite the whole toast.
At the rehearsal dinner, I discovered that we would be walking down a mountain. Okay, it was a hill, but when you're wearing three-inch heels, it may as well be a bottomless pit. I envisioned myself plummeting to my death without a date to pick me up. The fiancée informed me that there would only be three other single people there (she wasn't including the three-year old flower girls), so I was sure to catch the bouquet. This did not make me happy. Everyone would be staring at the four single pariahs who were fighting their way into the married community.
It reminded me of those action movies where the hero leaps out the window and crawls along the ledge with a spotlight on her. A glaring spotlight would be cast on me because I was single, and a dozen or more thorny roses would be thrown in my general direction. I had to catch them with open arms. I decided to plan my fourth Tylenol break accordingly.
Ultimately, the wedding was beautiful. I did not plummet to my death, my brother and his wife were very happy, and everything was really moving. Leading up to the event, however, I'd never felt more judged and unwelcome because I was single. My brother and his fiancée are in their late 20s/early 30s. It is natural for them to want to settle down. I am 22 -- so why measure my self-worth by whether or not I have an other half? This should never be used as a measurement for anything.
Have you ever felt left out at a wedding or social event because you were single? (My friend stopped going to family get-togethers because her aunts kept asking whether or not she had a boyfriend. The same friend pointed out that weddings are the worst places to meet people; half the guests there are related to you!). What's a single guy/girl to do?
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Comments (37)
I attended a lot of weddings this year. As a friend, as a groomsman, as a lector, etc. But whatever my role, I did not have a date for any of them. I figure one of the great things about weddings is that it's easy for other people to notice that I'm not taken, and it frees me to mingle and enjoy myself without the obligation of attending to a date.
ah. I've never felt left out but I guess its cause those things dont matter to me. But Im sure that soon enough I'll feel the judgement.
lol
Im only in my second year of university and already my grandma is already asking why I dont find a guy. I guess it hasnt bothered me because she doesnt ask because she expects me to get hitched, but more cause she knows my last relationship ended badly.
a-freaking-men. i was in two weddings last summer, attended three, and i was in one the year before as well, all with no dates. add a few cases of bridezilla and stir well.
i'm soooo eloping if my day ever comes.
Don't let it get to you. I think you've got the right mentality when you mentioned your brother's age & your age.. you just need to keep on that track. You're not at that stage in your life as you're only 22. Heck, I'm 22 & I'm not ready for that either! You are not alone. Yea, I understand sometimes people marry young.. one of my friends just got married at 22 but seriously, everyone matures differently. Just focus on yourself. Just don't let your mom's evil/dirty look get to you or whatever your family says. You'll get married in your own time.. whenever you're ready. In the meantime, enjoy the single life & dance to your heart's content. :) Who knows what the future holds for you.. suppose you meet the man you're to marry in the next year & get engaged & married in the next 3 years~ Anything can happen! That's the beauty of life. Just don't let what others say or think sour that for you. :)
Loved this post. Definitely been there, done that. I've been a bridesmaid in nine weddings (about to be 10 next summer) and have been to even more as a guest, all with no date. Even one I had a boyfriend during happened at a time when he was out of town. Then everyone throws you a pitying glance and hauls you up for the bouquet toss like that's a consolation prize for coming alone. No thanks! I especially hate when family members getting married "and guest" your invitation when they know perfectly well that you don't have a guest to bring. At least family should spare you the embarrassment of having to reply "1" in the number of people attending line.
I have the opposite problem. I've been with my bf for almost 3 years and we've been living together for almost a year. Recently we started talking about the future and how we like 2011 as like the perfect year to get married as we will be 25 and together for 5 years then. We aren't engaged or had any serious talks about it, but his mom got wind of it from his sister and you would have thought we were 12 year olds. As she flipped talking abuot how that was way to young to get married. Personally I think everybody is ready to get married at different times in their lives. For one person it might be in their 20's while for another it might be their 40's.
Wow, you're only 22 and you were looked down upon for not being married yet? Geez....
What you should have done is waited until the day before the wedding and then announced that you would be unable to make the wedding after all just to watch them all scramble around wildly. Sure, it wouldn't have helped your familial relations but they didn't exactly give a damn about how you felt or what you thought anyway so just return the favor.
It does make me feel bad but at least im still young. But hey, its a great way to meet the ladies/men that attend the wedding that are of your age, good opportunities there u know.
I feel like all social events in adulthood make singles feel out of place. I dread having to go to events for work. Out of the people I work with the most often, I am the only one who is not married and doesn't have kids and invites usually indicate that spouses are welcome. Is it appropriate to bring a date to these events? I'm not seeing anyone serious, so that seems silly. But it also seems silly being the only one to come alone. As I get older it becomes harder and harder to be single, but I have not interest in a long-term relationship, much less marriage!
yup, been to many weddings...and all date-less. make me more aware of the fact i am single and lonely? An astronomical Yes....
Amen! Haha thanks for this clever and much needed post. I am going to two of my best girl friends' weddings next spring, both of which I am a bridesmaid (one a maid of honor) and just in time for my launch into singledom! I hope that I keep your sense of humor as the "season" rolls around, and hopefully don't get antagonized too much about being single!
i sometimes shoot weddings as gigs to fun my photography hobby and i guess i got used to being in weddings, whether i'm a photographer or a guest. to be honest, i feel more and more privileged that i'm not married yet because in the chinese culture, i should be married already. i feel that i am one of those who hasn't fell into the black hole of marriage....lol.
You're only 22. Maybe in five years this post would make more sense.
It's easily said, and not easily done, but you really do have to just not let it get to you.
i think you should just go, enjoy the free food, people watch in pretty clothes, hear some embarrassing stories, witness some on your own AT the wedding (because a wedding is just ASKING for disaster.. esp at the reception), and be glad you do'nt have to write all those thank you notes or clean up the mess OR pay for the bill!!! :] just look on the bright side... OH and snag some nice center pieces :]
I caught the bouquets to two of the weddings I went to. well one, i ended up just forfeiting to a friend. But I was still in college and it was just for fun! I just love flowers :]
it is bittersweet... i am genuinely happy for the couple but the actual wedding makes a single girl feel like... when is my wedding day EVER gonna happen.
yeah, people get weird. they forget it's about celebrating the couple and not about the love life of the folks attending.
yes, nothing, just be yourself.
=( I feel bad when there is a wedding. I feel unwanted and that I might be single forever. I even caught the bouque, suppose to be next in the married life and I yet to see it. Still young but still......
so what? You don't have to feel insecure about it. BE PROUD THAT YOU ARE SINGLE!
It's actually worse when you go with a date.
They all look at you expectantly... even if it isn't really someone you're dating.
Also... being the maid of honor SUCKS. Especially when it's someone you don't really know that well. -_-
Two words: Open Bar.
Weddings are meant for the people getting married to have fun! Not for the bridesmaid to!!!