Tuesday, 04 November 2008
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How Can I Learn to Trust My Boyfriend?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I find it hard to trust guys. I don't know if it is due to my father's extramarital affair with many women in the past. In my last 3 relationships, I found myself not truly in love, but instead just for the sake of wanting boyfriends. Recently I really fell in love with a guy, my current boyfriend of 7 months. Things are going really well, but I still find it hard to trust him. Moreover, because he belongs to the same horoscope as my father - Sagittarius - I couldn't help comparing them to each other, which makes it even harder to trust him. I really love him so much that I want to stick with him all the time; it annoys him sometimes. But his annoyance with me makes me start doubting his love for me. I don't know if I am thinking too much.
Recently he started to hint to me that he has planned to marry me in three years. His work is related to the military, so he's occasionally uncontactable. This really freaks me out...I'm afraid that he will use his work as a excuse to cheat me in the future.
Yesterday we had a small argument; it started with me telling him that I wish he were around more and am getting frustrated with not being able to see him. He started to freak out, saying that he just wanted to have a quiet night together and why did I always have to spoil it? I burst into tears - I feel like we don't understand each other; it's like we're speaking two different languages to each other. I was trying to be loving and romantic but he didn't get it.
I really love him, but I really want to have someone I can totally trust and communicate with. Should I break up with him?
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Comments (53)
From what you've written, he hasn't done anything (that he can control) to lose your trust. I think you're worrying too much about him cheating and that it's unnecessary. Honestly, if I had a girlfriend that CONSTANTLY worries about me cheating I would be annoyed too. You need to tone that down before he decides he can't put up with it any longer and considers leaving you.
If you really love him you will need to work out your jealousy issues before you permanently sabotages your current relationship. I don't know what happened in your previous relationships, but he's a new guy that deserves a clean slate. Don't unfairly punish.
I think that you should get over your fears before entering or continuing a relationship. All that extra baggage will just end up in a fail relationship. Just because one guy cheats, doesn't mean all of them do. If you keep acting like he's cheating on you, eventually he will or just get really fed up and leave you.
And the part of astrology, they say that the sun sign (which is the usual signs we follow) isn't the most important one. I wouldn't pay attention to astrology, it's too complicated to just look at one sign and it may not be true.
trust is a two way street!
@thegreatchristopher@xanga - agreed.
i have trust issues too. i had a girlfriend that cheated on me when i went away to wisconsin for a week, and a girlfriend that claimed to be pure but never told me about her drinking habits. so ever since i've been afraid of my girlfriend getting in a position where she is tempted to drink and/or be around guys that are drunk and would hit on her. i probably mistrust everyone ELSE instead of her, actually.
Got to have trust or else nothing works.
Trust isn't something that just lands in your lap, it is an active, participating, deliberate intent.
Imagine two circles, one with arrows into it and another with arrows pointing out of it. The first represents reaction as a result of incoming circumstances and continually being hammered by the storms of your environment, whereas the second represents reaction as a result of your own decision, unaffected by your environment. The first is being the grass tossed around by the wind, while the second is being the wind and doing the grass-tossing.
Trust is a decision, not a reaction to incoming events. Trusting is an active, participating, deliberate intent, that you yourself "decide to" feel, rather than feel on the basis of circumstances "making you" feel trusting.
Just like the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy had the ability to go home anytime she wanted, but her search was all based on the premise that she need to be taken there by someone else.
I understand where you're coming from, but based on what you've written, it doesn't seem like you have anything to worry about. He hasn't given you any reason to not trust him, has he? If not, then don't worry about it so much. I'm sure everything is fine. :]
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - TY for the comment.
i think these days it's tough to trust a guy, because there are so many unfaithful men our there. and really when you feel that sense of distrust, the best way to often fix that is a strong sense of communication in both parties. and when i mean communicating, i don't men giving an attitude, yelling or anything. just talk about how you feel in a calm manner. sometimes his words may help sooth that horrible feeling you have.
If you are going to break up with him, you should break up so that you can deal with your issues first, not b/c he's shown a predilection to cheat. Otherwise, this trust problem is gonna crop up with every relationship, not just this one. And from an objective view of your account of last night, I think your comment came off as nagging and complaining instead of romantic or loving. You should relax and enjoy the quiet nights that you do get with him. :)
Hey hey. I am totally in the same boat. My parents had a pretty bad divorce, in which by the end both were cheating on each other. Past relationships ending badly have added on to my trust anxiety. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and I still can't seem to shake the feeling that he just might mess around behind my back. But I have NO reason whatsoever to think the way I do. He's been nothing but completely honest and awesome and it's alot of my own securities that get in the way. He is tired of me being like this saying that if he's been with me this long, why would he bother to cheat, that this should mean something, that this should show how much I mean to him. It's really hard to get over feeling the way we do. But it is something you have to work on and something maybe your boyfriend needs to help you work on also. Like someone said, it's a two way street. Working together to make the relationship work can be rewarding. In my situation, I need to get over my insecurities and anxiety and just enjoy being with my boyfriend and he also needs to be a little more understanding and supportive. We're still working on it, but I know that we love each other too much to let past issues affect a future we could have together :)
That was pretty confusing but I was pretty much typing like I had word diarrhea or something because I can totally relate to you!
i have trust issues with guys as well. my last boyfriend lied constantly, not even about cheating, but about everything. i broke up with him because theres no sense in being with someone who just lies all the time. when i started dating my current boyfriend, i told him from day one that i have trust issues in general. that way he knew in advance that it wasn't him, but i just have problems trusting guys. he was very understanding because he knew i wasn't blaming him for anything, and it's been over a year and he's really good about telling me the truth, even if its not always what i want to hear.
the point that im trying to make is: dont let things go so long without telling him how you feel. let him know you don't think HE'S the one who has done anything wrong, but that you just have a hard time trusting anyone in general and you need him to understand that and help you learn to trust him.
Your whole judgment of whether he can be trusted or not is based on circumstantial things that have nothing to do with him, himself. Also, the word "frustrated" should never come up in the same category as "romantic," unless you tell them you're sexually frustrated and you need fixing. Which isn't very romantic either.
Just because he gets annoyed with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you, either. You're just too suspicious of him. Also if you don't compare yourself to your mother you shouldn't compare your boyfriends to your father... the chemistry will always be different. And wanting to be around him all the time could annoy him, because most people need their own personal space outside of the prying eyes of their possibly insecure & suspicious SO.
I think...
you have to come to a realization that not every man you meet is going to be like "your father." Taking the first step and giving the benefit of the doubt may be able to help you overcome your trust issues.
if he hasn't done anything to lose your trust, and yet you don't trust him anyway just because you compare him to your father (quite unfairly, I might add) ... you're going to drive him away with your insecurities.
ive seen alot of friendsgo through this. Best thing to do is give him some space. let him miss you. hell def show you how much he cares. dont completely ignore him but give him some room to breathe. i know itll be hard because you love him so much but being clingy does get annoying. (sorry to say it).
I think what you need to do is get your priorities laid out first. He hasn't done anything that would result in losing your trust. If you say that you feel the need to be around him almost all the time and he is getting a litle annoyed with it, give him some space. There are times when he would need space to himself or at least catch up with other people in his life. You should also use that time to do the same. Also, you're making yourself paranoid about every little thing. Don't overaalyze everything, otherwise, of course it's going to ruin it. Enjoy the time you guys spend together and don't get so worked up.
You need to learn to trust him. He hasn't done anything to no deserve your trust and give him the benefit of a doubt. My dad hasn't exactly been the shining example of a perfect man either but I just decided my dad's influence isn't important enough to ruin every relationship I might have.
My dad cheated on my mom a couple of times. She always forgave him and they moved on with their lives. I always told my boyfriend from the start, if he ever feels the need to be with someone else, tell be before he does anything. I would be alone than be cheated on.
Sounds to me like you are just scared to be in love, because you will get hurt. Trust works both ways. You just need to talk to him.
Xo
I don't trust anyone not even myself, but I can still feel love, and I'm thankful for that.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Well said. :)
@ichigo705@xanga - thank you!
Your father and this boy of yours share the same horoscope? Of course they're the exact same person! Eh, the Barnum effect?
Never you mind.
∞
P.S. — Sounds like you ought to break up with yourself, m'dear. How do you know he won't catch you if you don't try to fall?
@jeweliette@xanga - "predilection to cheat" Huh? Where did that come from? From what I read, the blogger is the one thinking like the cheater, and spotting occassions that COULD be used to cheat. Not that the boyfriend WILL cheat.
To the blogger: You have to learn to trust, otherwise ALL your relationships are doomed to failure. If he's hinted that he's going to marry you, that's a pretty big commitment and shows that he thinks you are very much part of your long-term future. As other posters have said, dont tar your current boyfriend with the issues and situations that other, different people have had. That's unfair, and is a recipe for disaster.
Secondly, ignore astrology stuff. It's complete mumbo-jumbo that means nothing and everything at the same time. I remember reading an astrologers column once and EVERY SINGLE SIGN had exactly the same advice. Concentrate on concrete signs between you and your boyfriend, and remember that everyone is a unique individual with their own quirks and traits - which means the position of celestial bodies has nothing to do with it.
From what I've read, you'd be nuts to break up with him if you both are in a loving relationship with the only issue standing between you is the fact that you cant (wont?) trust. Without trust, you will find that it is impossible to maintain any sort of longterm relationship. In my book, trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it either party is going to be in a world of hurt, anguish and despair.
Good luck!