Monday, 03 November 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I Want to Be More Than Friends
I have a guy friend that I met through a mutual friend - we've been friends for about two and a half years. When our friendship started, we didn't really talk much, but as the years went on, we became much closer. Lately, we've been seeing each other at least once a month since July (he lives about 3 hours away and he goes to school in a different town that is also about 2.5 hours away from where I live).
We've also been talking 2 or 3 times a week, either online or on the phone for at least an hour at a time. Honestly, I like this guy and there is a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy that he has. But the thing is, our mutual friend has told me that he has liked his best friend - who is a female - for the longest time but she doesn't like him and is dating someone else. Though as of late, they have been telling me also that he is cutting off ties with her and he told me a month ago that he hasn't talked to her for a couple weeks.
I’m afraid to bring the issue of me liking him because I am afraid that it’ll ruin what we have going on now – the good friendship. And it's tough because I don't know how he feels about everything. Our friends have been making comments constantly when we're always hanging out about how we should start dating.
How do I bring up the fact that I like him and would like to see the friendship turn into a relationship?
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Comments (35)
Do you want to be in a relationship more or do you want to always have his friendship?
Take a risk.
Just tell him how you feel!
If he likes you that way, he'll let you know. I'm traditional... the guy should take the lead. Be patient.
if you wait, he'll come. if you feel bold, be bold. decide.. and act. by the way, 'waiting' is as much an action as 'saying something.'
oh! ..and don't rely on third-party information. they usually suck.
if you want to get information, induce the answers through direct communication.
If you know that he liked someone before and was rejected by that person, you shouldn't bring up the notion that you like him just yet as you may be used as a rebound. I don't know your friend personally, but you haven't mentioned anything about him hinting at being attracted to you. I think you should allow the friendship to build and strengthen and support him through his disowning of his best friend. Take into consideration that he is servering ties with his BEST FRIEND because she doesn't feel that way about him. I don't think that's fair of him to do unless the best friend doesn't care, but in a situation like that, your confession of attraction to him is not going to be the most important thing on his mind. I think you should refrain from confessing anything to him and keep it a secret for now. You can use this time to observe how he reacts to not being friends with his prior interest anymore and see what kind of reaction he has to other females who find him interesting. In my personal experience, some college guys in this position become promiscuous or egotistic so you should see if that's how he will behave. Also, you never know if he's really cutting all ties with this best friend, she and him may eventually reconcile and in an extreme case get together. I think its sweet that you are attracted to good friend, but sometimes friendship is the best relationship two people can have. Also, if you've made up your mind to tell him how you feel, consider adding that this is how you feel and you hope it doesn't negatively affect the friendship, because you could possibly lose the friendship once you tell him that. I know guys that change how they think about close female friends after hearing a confession, it can be a good thing or a very horrible thing.
By the way, he lives far, you only see him once a month sometimes and you communicate mainly through phone or internet. Hypothetically speaking, if you were to date him, or allow the relationship to change by telling him how you feel, how would that current schedule change and how confident are you about those changes? I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just asking questions about future possibilities. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
it's like the story of my life... several times over. i've gone through this scenario i think at least 4 times now.
there's no easy answer.
my suggestion: just give off postive signs (nothing overt... but be a little flirty... occassionally touch his arm while talking or stuff like that.. simple stuff but cross the touch barrier) and if he's a smart cookie, he'll pick up the hint.
I hate this type of situation. Not sure what's the best advice to give, but I do hope it works out for you. As a hopeless romantic, I always root for happy endings when it comes to a scenario like yours
@Wangnation@xanga - agreed....acting on third-party info is the surest way to making a fool of yourself. i'd say wait for now, wait to be sure of his affections, should he have any; especially since you live far apart.
if you guys' been friends for over two years and he hadn't said anything about it, the chances are, he's not interested...probably because he's still bittered about his infactuation of his best friend.
in my opinion, cutting off all ties just because a girl doesn't like you is sorta extreme. and i am guessing that he might do the same to you if he's not interested in you.
i've done it once too, cutting off all ties with a girl, but that's when i was in junior high school and i needed to focus on my studies and preparing myself for high school.
i think you should lay low about your feelings coz he's just getting over some girl he's been infatuated with for years. if you can wait a little longer i think that'd be best.
how does he react when your friends say you two should be dating? I have a friend like that and we did kiss at one point, but then things got awkward because he lives in a different state. I understand not wanting things to get bad with the friendship. Mention it to your friends to see if they know how he feels.
Either you can tell him straight out or you can give him hints. Being a bit touchy, not too much, especially his arms! can give him signals. Be flirty and joke around with the whole issue of dating. If you really do not want to risk the friendship, ask yourself, is it curiousity or real interest.
be patient... he's cutting the ties... that means he's trying to forget about this girl that he's interested in... If you tell him about your feelings now will make the situation more complicated...
To make him notice your interest, you can simply just support him in everyway you can, you do not need to tell him... he should be able to pick that up easily
good luck...
i have a lot of respect for ladies that make the first move and put it out there. i'd try to ignore what everyone else is saying and rather have it come from the horses mouth. during the next time when the two of you are hanging out. if the mood strikes, you could bring up so, are you ever going to ask me out? or to be more forward, if he ever thought about the two of you being more than friends?
I think you should wait it out for another good couple of weeks..=] Let the friendship grow, but don't open your heart up too much.
Hi - I was/am in pretty much the exact same position as you are. I met someone through a bunch of mutual friends (most of whom are three-ish years older than me, but I've always gotten along better with people older than me than with people my age).
Anyways, this past February or so, I realized that maybe I liked him as more than a friend...this was after knowing him for about five and a half years (again - or so). I've never been someone who can just say whatever they are thinking/feeling, etc. - I'm a listener, not a talker.
However, after a fun summer vacation with that group of friends (I saw them once or twice each week it seemed), it was time for me to move back to school. (I live in Ohio - go to school in Michigan - about three hours drive time.) I knew, though, that in two weekends, I would be going back home, because two of the friends in that group were getting married. After a week of being back at school (and with a lot of back and forth in my mind and a bit of encouragement from a friend here at school), I sent him a message (I know, slightly lame - he doesn't think so, though - since I didn't do it in person or whatever) telling him how I felt and that he didn't have to reply to the message, etc. - I just needed to get things "officially" out in the open...since I knew that at least one of the friends in the group could tell that there might be something between us.
He sent a message back saying that we'd talk about it when he/we had the chance. I went home that following weekend for the wedding, we talked about it near the end of the reception, and he said he felt the same way - he just wasn't sure about the whole long-distance thing (since it can be so hard). The next day, I went back to school and a week later he asked if I would like to start dating - he said that he's let the long-distance thing stop him before, but that he didn't want to let it this time. Even with it being my very first relationship (I'm 20, about to turn 21 in December - he turned 24 this past August), I knew that he understood that, so I said yes. (This weekend will actually mark the first time we've seen each other since he asked me - and that was on September 21st.)
I'm not sure if he liked/was interested in someone else, I didn't/don't have the heart to ask - but I have known him for about six years now, and, from what I know about his character, I don't think he would've asked if he felt that way about someone else. (I'm even supposed to meet a couple of his friends when I go home the next time.)
When I sent him that message (I went through multiple drafts of it, I admit) I almost added the idea about ruining the friendship, etc... I realized that, at least in this situation, that would be - well, it wouldn't be a lie or anything like that - but I knew that it was just an excuse I kept telling myself. I knew that, even if he didn't feel the same way, that we would still be friends. (Of course, I'm not sure of your situation, but it sounds very similar to my own.)
So, since I moved back to school (even for those two weeks before I went home for the wedding), we've talked on the phone about three or four times a week (almost always an hour, at least, each call) and, like I said, he'll be coming up for the weekend (he also has an uncle, who's sick, that lives nearby, so he'll visit him, too).
What I'm trying to say (sorry for the extremely long response) is that, don't let the "ruining your friendship" potential hold you back. Don't let the "long distance" potential hold you back. While I did think that my friend might kind of like me as more than just a friend, I really, really wasn't sure. (I have a tendency to overthink things, so I would battle back and forth with the issue.) While I played it cool (I hope) when he said that he felt the same way, I was actually quite happy and a little surprised/taken aback, but I am definitely hoping that it was worth it. Like I said, it would be my first relationship (yeah, it took me a little while to find someone), I know that he does care for me (at the most basic level, as a friend) and he's ready to take it at whatever speed I need/want.
Surprises of all kinds come when you least expect it - that's why they're surprises. I'm not the one to take the first step, but I took a very big chance when I sent him that message (and, due to my overthinking things, I almost instantly regretted it - well, "regret" isn't the right word, but still) and I got something extremely positive in return.
It's like they say - it's better to know (one way or the other) for sure, than it is to hope.
So, hope until you know - and then figure out where you go from there.
If it means something to you, be proactive. I don't mean you have to be horribly against tradition; even within tradition there are ways to let him know.
Be a little sassy......flirty.....if he is attracted to you, believe me.....it'll be "on".....
If he has relagated you to the "friend zone"....don't worry about it...keep the friendship and move on....there are plenty of other guys that will be interested in you.
There's really no easy answer to this, but if you like him enough, take the risk and tell him!
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. :]
Nike Slogan. Just do it.
However, i'm not sure how to come about doing that...
i agree with those who said you should wait till the metaphorical storm is over with regards to his best friend. in general though, i'd like to believe that guys are a LOT less likely to break off a friendship (or otherwise make things awkward) than girls are when one likes the other. at least, if one of my girl friends told me she liked me, even if i didn't feel the same way, i'd never stop being her friend (for that reason). but then again i've never been in that position.
just tell him how you feel...he's either going to roll with it or not
if your friendship is as solid as you say it is and things don't work out you guys should be able to keep things moving as they have been.
if you wanna see where you guys can go and you know what you want you've gotta be willing to take a leap of faith. I know that sounds illogical and unreasonable but shit when are relationships ever that?
good luck hope things work out for you.
Be directly honest and tell him how you truly feel.
I was in the same exact situation earlier this year. I took a chance and perhaps risked our friendship, but it was worth it. I'd rather let him know, than not know myself at all and wondering and giving myself high hopes.
If he is worth it, he'll accept it and won't lose you as a friend. If he starts to ignore you, then it's obvious that he's not worth your time.
If you feel brave; just tell him the truth. If not, just be yourself and try and let that flirty side come out towards him.
Xo
@hyungjoo87@xanga -
@JessxMaxine@xanga -
I concur, a slight touch of flirtiness and not online.
Also, maybe you can ask your mutual friend to bring you up in conversations