Sunday, 02 November 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: He Won't Tell Me He Has A GF
I'm good friends with this guy I've known for about a year. We kinda had this thing going and we both liked each other in the beginning, but things just went back and forth and we never officially started dating. We just stayed good friends and he was somebody I would tell everything to. Whenever I had a problem, I always went to him. He's always sending me mixed signals and I'm sure he has feelings for me too. The thing is he started dating this girl recently and he hasn't mentioned anything to me.
My coworker was talking to him one day and he somehow found out my friend has a GF now. My coworker told me about it and said that my friend was acting all defensive like he didn't want me to find out. I'm really confused as to why he won't tell me personally he is dating someone. I've even straight out told him that it's fine if he is, but he still won't mention anything about her to me.
I just thought we were better friends than that and that we could tell each other these things. It's not like he's cheating on me because we were never dating in the first place. I guess I'm just kind of hurt that he can't be honest with me and I feel like I can't trust him anymore. I don't know if I should confront him about it - it might make things awkward between us and make him feel bad. What does it mean when a good guy friend hides things like this from a girlfriend? Should I talk to him about it? Please help.
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Comments (37)
You should talk to him about it. I mean, you guys were really good friends and talk to each other about almost everything. Why would he want to hide this? If he can't be honest with you, there's no point. Friendships and relationships are built on honesty and trust. If he can't do that, well . . . .
You should just ask him about it. If you really are good friends, he'll be honest with you. :]
he's afraid that you will let your feelings go. he just doesn't have the courage to ask you out, but he can ask her out cuz its easy. he probably loves you and just doesnt know how to cope with it yet. hes trying to do everything he can to not want you/ like you/ maybe love you. some guys do that. thats why there's all the mixed signals.
this is because he is dating your sister
WTF TO THE COMMENT ABOVE. WOW.
well, he might've hid it from you because he was afraid of how you would feel and possibly was in fear that he might lose a friend because of this current gf?
It's really hard to say cuz you don't really understand his side of the story.
He still likes you and by telling you he's dating another girl, it will seem like he doesn't like you anymore.
The question, I think, is whether or not he had other relationships while you two were friends, and if so, did he tell you about them?
If this is the first relationship he's had since you became close friends, then he probably doesn't know how his relationship will affect your friendship, and wants to keep the two as separate as possible. Also, some guys brag and talk about their girlfriends, others don't think it's a big deal - and their private lives are private for a reason.
My suggestion is to just deal. If you must ask, don't go on the offensive. It's his privacy and his right to keep this information to himself. Sorry to say, but it really is none of your business - and if you truly were his friend, regardless of your feelings, you should be able to respect that, just like you'd expect him to respect what you want to keep private.
Also, a common thing I seem to see in people is that those that report their entire life's story to a friend seem to think their friend is then obligated to do the same. Well... newsflash: s/he's not, and it's wrong for you to project your desires onto someone so selfishly. As friends, and as lovers, we're meant to accept our true friends for who and what they are.
If change does happen for the better towards you, it'll be because he wants you to know, and wants to share this with you. Not because he feels obligated, or because he's forced to.
Obviously he likes you. Ask him what's up; why would he hide that from you? Maybe he thinks you're totally in love with him or something. Just tell him it's not like that, you'll live.
He doesn't want to talk to you about his actual gf because he doesn't want to friends zone you and make it never possible to officially date you. It seems like he wants to keep you as a back up in case the girls he actually makes official gfs don't work out. Sorry that this interpretation isn't so rosy, but that's all I can think of.
He probably thinks that if you know he has a GF that it will change everything.
There's a chance he's dating someone you know...That sound like he doesn't want to offend you by staying in the circle of friends and coworkers you both share.
The other is that he doesn't want you to be the jealous friend and change the dynamics of your relationship. It seems a little sketchy to me either way.
@jealous_jim@xanga - I loled.
But seriously, I recommend just accepting the momentary awkwardness and just ask him wassup. Expect some hesitation and "oh it's nothing"s from him.
there's two ways to look at the situation.
1. he's a cool guy and really want the friendship to continue without being affected by his relationship with his girl because he sense that you might be jealous.
2. he's a jerk and try to have the cake and eat it too...meaning two chicks at the same time...which is very common these days.
you should confront him face to face.
Even though what others say talk to him about it, I wouldn't. He must have told that coworker to keep it a secret, and even though you should know, talking to him about it is letting him know that he can't trust that coworker and then that coworker may get angry at you for spilling it. Unnecessary drama, you wouldn't want a hostile work envoriment.
If he doesn't want to tell you, oh well. Why do you want someone who plays mind games with you?
Which ever way you look at this, he didn't have the balls to ask you out or that he wasn't interested enough to ask you out...
So now he's dating some girl while still trying to maintain this so called friendship he has with you... which he probably gets off from b/c you both like each other, but he doesnt want to commit to anything.
If he really wanted to be friends with you, he would have told you straight off instead of trying to spare your feelings. Guys who refuse to tell you they have a gf.. probably have feelings towards you and don't want you to give them any less attention because they are already involved with someone else. It's selfish but women do it too.
sounds like some guys i know ... have a gf but won't admit and still want to play the field.... if that is the case then he is a slimball and doesn't deserve your friendship or honesty. be polite to him but keep your distance, don't get caught up in the mind games, because i think some guys get off on it.
@Organic_Machine@xanga - I second you comment.
uckv143@xanga - I second this comment. The guy seems like he's playing the mind games... which is not being honest and upfront.
@Mizmazed@xanga - I'd tend to agree with this comment. Although..he seems like he enjoys a good mental mindf**k. He actually sounds like a guy who I "dated" (who really knows...it was never called anything), so I'm not so sure what to say.
he might be seeing others but his heart is with you. he might be confusing you but he's really confused himself. just confront him and sort things out. risk it all because at least if lift that burden off your shoulders or you might find out that it was meant to be.
occam's razor might work here:
maybe he doesn't actually have a girlfriend.
have you ever seen this girl? has your coworker? did your coworker repeat absolutely what was said, or take something out of context? there isn't enough information to deduce he has a girlfriend, especially if he is vehemently denying it to you.
(if he actually has got one and doesn't want to tell you, well then he's a jerk)
If it's really bothering you, I suggest you bring it up. He might just feel bad and think that you're upset at him for it.
I have to say something mildly rude and contrary to what others are suggesting:
I don't believe what you're saying when you say that you thought you were better friends than that and you're hurt that he can't be honest with you. I call bullshit. You're hurt that he's seeing someone, not that he didn't tell you about it. You're HOPEFUL that the fact that he didn't tell you means he's still into you because you're certainly still into the idea of dating him. You want to talk to him about it to stir up a little drama and keep yourself at the forefront of his mind; It's weird movie delusions that cause you to believe that if you confront him, he'll somehow spill the beans that he still cares about you. If he's not telling you, and he has a girlfriend, it actually means just the opposite of what everyone is suggesting: He does not still have feelings for you, but he knows you still do for him, but he really likes the girl he's now dating and doesn't want you to be upset or try to interfere. Respect that. Leave it alone and if he tells you, he tells you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Plus, if he's seeing someone else and you still have feelings for him, it's probably better you keep your distance from them anyway. He chose her, not you, and you have to respect that.
Yeah, I think I have to disagree with the others when I say just let it be.
I don't think you should confront him about it. If he wanted you to know about it, then he would have told you. Now, if it's bothering you that much, and it's making your relationship awkward anyway, just ask him.
If you're not pleased with the way that the convo went, I think you should end your friendship.