Sunday, 02 November 2008
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On Platonic Friendships
This is a guest blog submitted by miss_thiq.At this time, I think we need to dwell on platonic relationships...nonsexual platonic relationships. The past couple of days, Xanga has been focusing on romantic relationships, and I don't want us to think that's all we have in this world.
According to Webster, platonic means being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. This is also applicable to same-sex relationships.
So why is it so hard for males and females to be friends? I believe this is something that can be achieved by the two parties coming to an agreement. We're going to hang out, grab some grub, catch a flick, and NOT have sex.
Just like Lil' Wayne, I'ma take my glasses off so you can better understand me on this one.
This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis because I don't interact well with the ladies because more than likely, I'm best friends with your man.
:30 sec public service announcement: I can watch sports, play sports, fart, eat greasy food, DANCE at the club (not sway side to side taking up space on the floor) AND he can talk to me about you so he can better understand why you do the things you do. :PSA over:
I'm not particularly fond of the female species for obvious reasons (they're too emotional, they get jealous, they lie, etc.) Men, on the other hand, tell it like it is. They don't hold anything back, they tell you the truth, and honestly, they're my gateway to understanding (and always staying two steps ahead of) them. If I already know WHAT they're thinking, I know how to counteract it (it's the scientist in me).
Moving on, some women believe that you cannot have a successful friendship with a man because all they want to do is have sex with you.
Really? Tell us something we don't know, sister. Men want to have sex, God programmed them that way; just get over it. But the main reason why
he doesn't want to be friends with you is because apparently you've
done something to give him some hope that he was going to go
diving in your ocean, and when he tries to make a move, you give him blue balls. My point? You cannot establish a friendship with a guy if you've already had sex with him and/or given him the opportunity to think that it can be that way.
And you wonder why men call us sneaky, deceitful, masters of trickery. If you don't feel a sexual attraction to the guy, let him know upfront. You would want him to tell you, right?
Now I know some, if not most, of you are, like, "what is she talking about? has she been in this situation before?" Every day of my life. Especially with me being in a new city/state, trying to learn the area, and just trying to meet new people. All the guys I've met have gotten the wrong impression about me. Just because you call me and say, "hey, wanna get something to eat" and I say yes, you assume it's a date. But I digress....what I want my ladies to understand is that you cannot lead men on and think it's okay. You have to also understand that if you do, and he happens to call you some name that isn't yours, just brush it off, he's upset, he'll forget about you and move on to the next one anyway.
How can you let someone know you only want to have a platonic relationship with him or her?
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Comments (55)
Best way to establish that boundary is to say right at the start. "Y'know I think we could be friends. I think we have some things in common".
Let them know up front when the first signs show up. I don't understand why some people love to lead others on.
hum.... that can be difficult, probably it's the same as like... asking someone you know or don't know just to be your friends with benefit.
nah, probably just say that I'm only looking for friendship only, unless you have sex with your friends then that's another story.
"Wow. You're cool. Let's be friends."
Done.
I say it, outright, so there's no confusion.
I love men. They make so much more sense than women. But I know that if I want them to understand something, I had damn well better spell it out.
Were just friends. Right?
Use the word "Friends".
A lot.
You are the kind of friend I wouldn't want my husband to have. I'd rather him have a friend that was a girl who didn't pretend their wasn't a chance in hell that she would ever fuck him, and I'd rather him have a friend that didn't hold other females in such contempt.
I don't mind my man having friends, male or female, but I do mind him hanging out with misogynist, no matter what their gender.
You say "I want to have a platonic relationship with you." and then you tell them why. (i.e., "Because you aren't attractive" or "Because your job doesn't pay enough.")
I've got a bunch of platonic friendships with men that at some point may have turned the other way, but didn't - or they did and we accepted that it happened and moved the hell on.
You lost me at Lil Wayne
No reason to say anything. It takes the excitement out of it.
Firstly, I think instinct makes it hard for men and women to be "just friends." Animal attraction gets in the way a lot.
Secondly, I think if you only want a platonic relationship with someone, and you know that you could never be attracted to them, just let them know up front. It's really not that difficult, especially if you don't have feelings for them.
BUT, you never know... some things can change.
Oh, lets be subtle. If you go out to eat, simply proclaim "I'm so glad we're just friends, because you're so _____(nice, or easy to talk to, and I don't want to complicate things)." Works like a charm, and it's sad when you can see their hope shatter but at least you aren't leading them on.
But it's harder to be just friends with someone if you find them physically attractive. I'm okay with a guy I'm dating having female friends as long as they aren't hanging out too much and I'm not being ditched for them.
"If you don't feel a sexual attraction to the guy, let him know upfront. You would want him to tell you, right?"
"@LucyOwnsMySoul@xanga - You say "I want to have a platonic relationship with you." and then you tell them why. (i.e., "Because you aren't attractive" or "Because your job doesn't pay enough.")
Sounds good on paper, but that's not exactly the most natural way of doing it. Think about it...the first time you meet someone, will you really go "Hi, let's be friends, but JUST friends alright? Because I'm not attracted to you, so I just want it platonic."
See how weird and unnatural that is (let alone kinda rude)? If someone said that to me, I would be like "okayyy....freak."
Anyways, I'm not sure of what's the best way to let someone know right off the bat that you're not interested in being more than friends with them, but the way that was mentioned above is definitely not it. A slightly subtler approach would be better I think, like what @Debra2005@xanga - suggested.
hmm..
"let's do friends" doesn't always work out the way it was intended.
i know i've had such experience before where a 'friend' ended up as a S.O. (and moved on to become an ex)
i think it's easier to say 'friends' now than it was back in my teens to early-twenties days.
i guess it all has to do with growin' up!?
The propinquity effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often. In other words, relationships tend to be formed between those who have a high propinquity. The definition of PR
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Personally I don't think it works.
There is always some romantic feelings when guys and girls are "friends."
Unless, of course, one happens to be gay.
Be subtle. It's better than saying it outright because maybe it'll hurt their feelings less.
I'm a senior in HS and i love having a bunch of guy friends. And because at least half of my friends are guys, no on of them is going to assume I want them just because I hang around them
Which is great because I dont know what I would do without them. Sure if i want to talk i go to one of my girl friends, but if I just really need a hug, I need one of my guys.
And they're just funnier sometimes,
Although, sometimes the hard part is convincing their girlfriends that its strictly platonic!
Sometimes both parties just know it's platonic without ever addressing it up front. I am friends with lots of guys and we go out one-on-one but neither one of us consider it romantic. Unless the issue comes up and someone starts taking it into romantic territory, I wouldn't worry about drawing the line unless you need to.
If we've learned anything from 10th grade English class and "The Glass Menagerie", all you have to do is mention that you wish she were your sister. Right.
But seriously, this is how I keep everything in place with my guy friends. I think of them as brothers and I let them know that. I think they get the point.
I have lots of guy friends because I've found it easier to get along with them than girls. However, if you're in a relationship, I wouldn't suggest you have a best bud with another guy other than your boyfriend. You can just be good friends. Most of my guy friend are more like brothers to me & it just came off naturally. It started off really early on with either my calling him "little/big brother" & him calling me "big/little sister"
Platonic friendships that aren't like the brother-sister bond are difficult to maintain 'cause oftentimes the line gets blurry. I'm not fond of the idea of my boyfriend having a close girl friend to confide in about things regarding me & understanding girls.. I'd rather him come to me when something is bothering him & vice versa. You're inviting trouble by asking people of the opposite gender to help you understand your significant other.
tbh if i had a newfound (potential) friendship with a girl that even i intended to be strictly platonic, i'd still be very very offended if she pulled something that basically said "you're in the friend zone." in fact i'd probably be offended if even one of my friends from way back said the same thing.
if i want to go out to eat with a girl as a friend i usually add "but make sure you bring your own money, cause i'm not paying for you since that would make it a date, and that's distinctly not what it is."
Make sure you tell the guy you're dating somebody else seriously if you are, or tell him you would like to date other people seriously... not him.
I've had a friend for over five years that I've never slept with. We've had bands together, went through failed relationships, long distance friendship for two years, middle and high school... it's just not like that. We made sure of it back then when we met, so things have been great as friends.