Saturday, 01 November 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Too Much Hope For The Future?
I've always dated guys older than I am because I feel like I can connect with them better. I'm at a young age - let's just say under 20 - and there is still a lot in life that I haven't experienced yet. I started dating at a even younger age and it has always been with people at least 3 years older than me; I'm looking for something in love that people my age just don't have. Not trying to sound cocky or anything, because I don't know how to love either. The thing is, I look for a stable long-term relationship that I feel people older than me could provide. They could provide this sense of stability and because they are a step ahead of me in learning how to take care of themselves, they can both teach and take care of me.
Now here's the problem: I've been dating my boyfriend (4 years older than I am) for a year and a half and I feel stable with him. We've gone through a lot of ups and downs and we even have had sex before. We've always told each other that we feel so right about this and that we want to be with each other in the end. He's everything that I've been looking for in my past relationships...the only problem is that we are nine years away from marriage. Nothing seems to feel right knowing how long we have to wait and the risk of our relationship. We have occasional arguments and when we remember our ages, we seem to think that even if anything bad happens to this it won't be the end of the world. We really do love each other, but what can I do if I met the man of my life at a time too soon?What can I do to keep our relationship stable and running for the future 9 years? Or am I too hopeful?
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Comments (31)
Yes you met the man of your dreams too early.
:rolls eyes:
I wish i was able to give out advice about that kind of thing right now...
But i think that at such a young age, you can still do a whole lot more with your life aside from love and what not.
What do you want out of your life? Career? Travel? Explore? Venture? There's a lot of things that you can do where being in a relationship at this age can prevent you from doing all that you want.
If the love of your life truly understands you, does he push you to be more and reach your potential? Does he let you grow independently still even though you guys have been together for 1 1/2 year?
don't know the significance of 9 years but if things can work out now and in the immediate future, if gives you more stability that in 9 years the two of you will continue that trend. good luck with that. btw, no problem dating people 4 years older than you, its just a bigger deal when you are younger because of the crazy amount of change that happens. i think a lot of people don't really become stable until mid 20's because life is changing so fast around you until a few years after college. but thats only my opinion on the matter.
9 years? If he's in his early twenties and you are somewhere a little under 20 why would it take 9 years to get married?
Yeah, you're too hopeful. I met my ex boyfriend when I was fifteen, and he was almost nineteen. We were deeply in love, and dated for nearly two years. But I then realized, while I was doing the right thing in the relationship by trying to compromise, and giving up certain things, etc., I was compromising myself. I don't know who I am yet. I doubt you do either. I can truthfully say I have said what you have said before, the whole I want someone older, so they can teach me, people my age arent mature enough (or whatever). It doesn't work. Figure out who you are before you tie yourself to someone who doesn't really know who they are either.
The thing with love and relationship [and I guess you two don't know this] is that you can't even plan a day ahead, especially not 9 years. And while it's not impossible to find the love of your life early, it still is very hard, and to stay with the same guy this early for 9 years is even harder.
gees, too young. take it one day at a time. and whoever said you're too young to be married. i've known a few couples who married young and they're actually very happy. each person mature at a diff. rate so don't set a timeline for marriage. besides being logical, you must also follow your heart, and find a balance between the two.
Here's the thing, honey--if nine years is going to put a strain on your relationship with him, then what's gonna happen if you try to spend the rest of your life with him? Trust me. I've lived with my fiance for almost three years, now. We've been together almost four. We just bought a house, and while we're getting married this June, in our minds, we're as good as married already. Should we have to postpone the wedding (God forbid!), it wouldn't put a strain on our relationship. We'd be disappointed, sure, but we're a team already. It wouldn't weaken us any. I know that for sure, and have known that from the day he asked me to move with him. If there are any doubts, hon, then I'd question whether this really is the be-all, end-all for you...or just the be-all, end-all for now. A lot changes from the time you're 20 (or under!) to the time you're 25 or 26. I know, I'm at the 25 stage (and I remember the years from 17 on with painful clarity.) I also know that, had I met my fiance when I wasn't yet 20, we probably wouldn't have hit it off. Neither of us had grown up enough for that, yet. We hadn't learned enough to appreciate each other. So, while 9 years seems like an incredibly long time, it's really just a drop in the bucket if this is the man you're spending the rest of your life with.
Oh, and couples fight, that's normal. But it's how you fight that matters. Be mature. Don't accuse. Be honest but tactful. And never hold grudges. If it's not something you can get past, then mention it, talk it over, let it go. And if you can let it go...do it and don't bring it up again.
I do wish you the best of luck here. I hope he truly is the one for you. But if he isn't, then I hope you find your one and only when the time is right for you. But mostly, enjoy these 9 years. Get to know him even better (I still learn things about my fiance!), and trust that if things are meant to work out, they will. And if not, that just means there's something even better waiting for you out there.
-Katie
*sigh*
we all have been there. we all remember them first loves. no one changed our minds did they? this is a perfect case of let life teach. if it doesn't work out, finding out the hard way is the only way here. it will help her in the future.
BUT.
there are those few that survive... Run with it little one.
yours truly,
why am i still home
I wouldn't worry so much about the future. Focus on now. Who knows what will happen in the future.. If it's love & you're meant to be, time won't make a difference. Just focus on what you two have right now & enjoy it. :)
I don't blame you for being so hopelessly hopeful because you're young. I'm also pretty young myself (under 20) but I have had a lot of experience with relationships.
I just don't see why you and him have already set your marriage plans. You're gonna get married in 9 years for sure? What? How do you even know how things will turn out in the time between? And what about plans for your future? Do you not value that at all? I don't mean to be negative, but don't you think that some extenuating circumstance (i.e. career choices which require geographical separation) could be an issue? I'm not saying that things will force you and him apart, but there are always things that get in the way. You never really know.
I want you to know that being too in love and too involved with somebody while you're still young is dangerous. You may feel very safe with him, and there's nothing wrong with pursuing someone older. If he's treating you right, then great. Continue living your current life with him. It's just that you're still young and you need to figure out priorities, and be self-aware in terms of how attached you are to planning your future with him.
I'm a big believer in love working out, and I think there's no such thing as meeting the man of your life "at a time too soon". He could potentially be "the one", or maybe he's not. It's just that you have to live your life. Make the best of it, and don't get too caught up in love!
you have to wait 9 years?
are you eleven years old?
either way, like some have already said, if you really love this person, and they love you back, 9 years shouldn't be an issue. what's that compared to the rest of your life?
Let me just point out that long distance relationships are a pain, but I don't believe you should base all of your life off of him yet. I know you'd rather, say, go to a college near him. I wish I were closer to my SO, too. But at this point, as much as it hurts to hear, you can't give up stuff like going to the best school for you, just to be near him. If you can live with that, and you can still focus on things like your education and so on, I wish you luck.
You're under 20, and you can't get married for 9 years... Hmm... 9 years for you or your BF to graduate college or HS, or 9 years until you're an "adult" which in this case would mean you're 9... BUT you seem like you have a decent vocabulary. I'm going to assume you're about 15-18 just for the kicks. And by college I mean BS or AS degrees because you wouldn't be under 20, if it was a Doctorate or Masters.
I prefer someone older than me as well. They TEND to be, not always, smarter, more confident, and less "wild".
But to answer your last 2 questions? Support each other. If this truly is a fairy tale, match made in heaven kind of ordeal, you guys should be able to survive through the bad times and even worse times. AND yes, I won't lie, you're too.... hopeful? I'm not sure if this is the right word for this situation.
Are you living with him? Also 4 years difference isn't even that big. Experiences and maturity levels vary and is not depending on age. The amount of experiences you have may depend on age, but the quality doesn't.
you both need to work in it, and just future 9 years??? shouldn't it be more like the rest of the life?
It's not up to you to decide the length of the relationship. Neither will you have control over where this relationship is heading towards. What you can definitely do is to relish in these moments of truth and love, that mayjolly well be fleeting or permanent.Enjoy your youth and the present!
@still_standing - I agree. :)
I'm slightly wary of the fact you're saying you have to wait 9 years....does this mean you are 9 yrs old and he is 13? Hopefully, this just means you both have some sort of life plan and actually are relatively "of age."
Either way, it doesn't matter if the person you find is older or younger....when it's a good person for you, they'll feel right. Don't try to block yourself from meeting someone great because you must date someone older.
Otherwise, if you HAVE to wait 9 years and it's not a matter of age, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be....simple as that. Trust me, what you want in life will change greatly as you "grow" throughout your young adulthood. And someday in the near future Mr. Perfect may turn out to be Mr. Not Right at All!
@bigjezza - i agree. we've all been there, we've all been young, we've all decieded that we met the love of our life... and then everything changes.
you just have to roll with the punches.
i truly believe, if its meant to be.. it'll be.
This is weird. 9 years? Huh? Why? And why are you so attached to the idea of marriage (not to mention the arbitrary date you've apparently set)?
wow, you're worrying wayy too much.
focus on the here and now with the guy you have right now. he sounds wonderful by the sounds of it ...
there's such thing as looking too far into the future. the present is where it's at, girl!!
Wait, what? You want to marry this guy and you're worried about 9 years? What about the rest of your life after that nine years? You don't think you should be considering how to keep things going after that??
Oh, and my bad if I'm totally off. I have a bad scanning (not really reading) problem.
My question is why the long wait? Is there something you or he wants to accomplish before getting married? Goals are a great thing to have, but this very long engagement of sorts worries me. Be sure it's just that and not you or him putting a safe buffer between taking your relationship to the next level. In the meantime, enjoy your relationship in the here and now, continue to grow and develop interests of your own and do not let your relationship become the definition of who you are as a person.
nine years? geezzzz.. what for? is he going to join the military?
some people (and i mean 'some' as in very very few 'some') do meet their 'love' at a very young age.
i do think it's possible.
however, if you're in a situation that requires nine years of waiting, either one of you could very easily burn out, or move on.
by the way, i really hope you have a goal other than 'to marry him.'
you really should have your own life regardless of the guy.
if you both really love each other, i'm sure nine years won't be long.
regardless, if i were you, i'd keep my eyes wide open, because there's a very good chance that he'll change (as well as you) in those nine years.
don't put all your hopes in a guy. that's the stupidest thing any girl could do.
Drinking!!!!!!!! I have seen a lot of guys 17-19 date younger girls 14-17 and what happens is bars. The guy can get in the girl can't suddenly he's spending more time with his bar friends and less time with you and won't even introduce you to them in the fear they will think he's a perv. for dating someone so young. And then there's the women in the bars who are there every Friday and Saturday night who want to party??? Please don't get me wrong I am all for older/younger relationships I don't see the problem if 2 people are compatible they should date. My last girlfriend was 18 and I'm 49 her mother introduced us and we had a lot in common but then she told me she wanted children and I dumped her. I love children but there it was the age dif. by the time we popped out the first kid she would be 19 me 50 what kid would want their 37yr. old mother and their 68yr. old dad at their grad if I even live that long. I love the fact she wanted kids I just don't think I would have been the right guy. Last I heard she was dating a 32yr. old. Stop and look at the big pic and follow your heart some times it hurts to do the right thing