Saturday, 01 November 2008
-
I Had Premarital Sex And I Got Over It
This is a guest blog submitted by AnonymousBlonde.
Of all the posts that Datingish publishes, there have been some that have stood out to me in particular. Ever since reading the post about the young woman who couldn't get over having premarital sex, I couldn't get this part out of my head:I think I'm hurt. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for having had premarital sex.
Will I ever be loved? Will I ever learn to let go of my past? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be worthy enough for another person's love? Will I ever be able to love? Better yet, will I ever be able to let myself love?
It made me think about a Datingish post from a while ago, where I made a joking comment to the devout Christian girl who was having trouble keeping it in her pants despite wanting so very badly to remain a virgin until marriage.While my comment was made in jest (anyone who knows me knows that I'm hardly a religious person), in some ways I felt serious while writing it. If you make the life choice to remain a virgin, you should be able to stick to your guns and hold true to the promise you made yourself. I'm not saying that people haven't and don't break promises to themselves (I have broken many, many of the promises I've made to myself), but taking an oath of chastity, especially since these people claim to do it in the eyes of God, is something you should be passionate enough about to stick to.Personally, I’m not a big fan of placing your virginity on a golden pedestal. Actually, I don't know anything that I would place on a golden pedestal, but I suppose that's a different story. The reason why I wouldn't make your virginity out to be such a big deal is because it's not, be you male or female. Humans were meant to have sex, just like any other animal on Earth. You don't see cats or dogs or dolphins or monkeys making a huge deal out of who has had sex and who hasn't. Dolphins even engage in casual sex beyond what's needed for procreation. So why then do some people make the virgin issue into a matter of life or death?
Honestly, I don't know the answer to that question. I just wish that people would stop making that the question. You aren't impure for having sex. You aren't bad, dirty or committing some type of blasphemy against your religion. Besides, the hell if I know what's so special about the first time a guy gets his penis wet or having your hymen stretched until it breaks and [possibly] bleeds. Sounds magical, doesn't it? And waiting until the last possible second to do it...eesh. I can't imagine waiting until your wedding night to go through that discomfort (not to mention the embarrassing things that can happen, regardless if one or both parties are virgins or not). The only difference is that sex normally becomes more pleasurable (in reference to girls) after the hymen is stretched or broken.
I had premarital sex. I was 15 years, 4 months, and 22 days old when I lost my virginity. Funny how some things you never forget. I lost it (not that it was ever found - HAH, lame pun) to a boy that I wasn't yet dating, but who I felt for very deeply to the depths of my soul. Sadly,it wasn't the magical moment that so many people imagine takes place. I was very nervous, to the point of being uncomfortable with myself and him. He was pressuring me because we only had a certain amount of time in which to get it over with before his parents came home. Finally it got tothe point where he said, "Em, we have an hour. It's now ornever." Me, trying to pay attention to Finding Nemo and not the sickfeeling in my gut, said, "Okay..." in a small voice. Andwell...he got me uncovered just enough to be able to penetrate and BLAM-O! I was a virgin no more. If you want the truth, it was a little painful and I bled quite a bit after wards.
Then comes the question that inevitably gets asked - Do you regret it?
No. I don't regret it one bit. While I do wish sometimes that I had waited until the situation was a bit different (meaning less pressured and that we were already in a relationship), I can say with the utmost certainty that I don't regret losing my virginity, not even at that young of an age. There are bigger things in my life to worry about than the state of my hymen, and the state of my hymen in no way reflects upon the person I am. The thing that I do regret about that time period, though, is the unhealthy relationship that developed between me and the boy I first had sex with. However, that's a [detailed] story for a different blog. What needs to be known for the purpose of this post is that after that boy and I broke up, I went through a rough period of extreme insecurity where I asked myself many of the same questions the blogger from the excerpt at the top is asking herself.
I was extremely hurt. I was a devastated, broken-down mess. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to because I was the first person out of all my close friends to lose my virginity and end a serious relationship and I couldn't (well, didn't know how to) talk to my parents about a situation like that (I still don't, actually, so don't ask me how). I gave myself completely over - body, mind, and soul - to another person, just to have him return those things to me in pieces. Sex with him (because I continued to sleep with him...dumb, I know) became a mix between pleasure, duty and emotional pain. It hurt me to sleep with him because he didn't want to be committed to a relationship with me. I continued to have sex with him because I didn't want him to leave my life and because he wanted it. I wanted to have sex with him because even though it hurt me emotionally and mentally,it felt good physically.
Want to hear the hard truth? It took me four years to get over it. Over these past four years, almost two of them were spent continuing to sleep with him and casually dating two other boys. The remaining time has been spent with my current boyfriend. The fact of the matter is that I didn't think anyone would ever love me again. I didn't think I would ever love again. I didn't think I would ever get over the past or love myself ever again. Even though my problem wasn't so much about my virginity as the abuse and dependency issues that arose from my previous relationship, the questions and feelings that came from it were the same. But you know what? I managed to find someone who loves me,who I love, and who I not only enjoy life with, but sex also. Because wecare about each other equally, sex is pleasurable and fulfilling rather than empty and painful.
Time is a healer of many things. But in order to start of the journey to letting time heal, you need to accept what happened and move past it. You need to forgive and reopen your heart. If it means going to therapy, do it. If it means throwing yourself into religion, do it. If it means taking an oath that you won't have sex again until marriage, stick to it. If it means going out and having copious amounts of sex, I would advise against it, but hey, everyone's different. If it means substance abusing, I would recommend therapy, since that's no way to live your life. As long as you find a way to make you feel good again, to put you back on a path to happiness, you can start on your way to being healed, to being okay with what's happened. Just remember - you always have a support network, whether it be your family, your friends, your religion, or your community. No one can make the journey completely alone, and sometimes you find the best companions on the way there.
Recommend
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (196)
Thank you.
I do not regret my first time, or any of the consequences of it. I was young (only a year older than you), but it was right, and I'm glad.
Even if you DO regret it, it's time to move on and stop having so much guilt about it. It was a mistake, maybe a huge one. But the best thing you can do is let it be in the past where it belongs.
I completely agree, there's nothing romantic about losing your virginity. It hurts, it bleeds, and it's the worst you'll ever have (even considering really horrible partners, and other than non-consensual sex, obviously). Guys have it easier, I'm just saying. Not to mention, if having premarital sex makes you dirty and impure, then the last time I was "clean" was at the age of four, so what do I care about if I'm "made dirtier" by having loads of sex before marriage.
Any boyfriend who can't look past the fact that my "innocence" was taken from me is not the guy for me, and he can continue to look for a girl who's never had any dirty thoughts in her entire life (which will never happen, so good luck hunting!).
I don't regret my first.. he often voices how he regrets taking me, because we didn't work.. but we've talked, and it's only because he truly wanted to best for me.
He and I are great friends.. and roommates.
Fact is, I believe that if virginity is that important to you, you won't let it slide away so easily, and you won't let yourself be tempted.
Amazing blog, major props!
(P.S. It did take me a longer time to get over him, but I think most of the problem was my new found physical need for affection and lust.. not my emotional attachment..)
People need to grow up and realize sex a great joy.....it's a need and part of being human.....I may get trolled for saying this but I feel sorry for any woman who has sex with only one man in her whole life.
@candylashes@xanga - True that, sister! Sex is made to be enjoyed, or we wouldn't have that body part that's only in our bodies for pleasure.
I don't regret my first time at all, though I sort of wish I had put more planning into it. I was nearly 17, she was barely 16.
Thank you for this.
I wouldn't wait until marriage just because the sex would be really weird and it seems a long time to wait for something that is natural, even if you are waiting for "the one." My religion tells me to wait until marriage, but I don't see how sex is any different if my boyfriend and I were to engage in it now as opposed to a man I got married to. Sex is one of humans greatest pleasures, even though I don't think you should be sharing that with everyone you meet. I do want to wait until I feel like I'm ready to handle the consequences with somone I'm very much in love with. Most people who wait until marriage have probably tried everything else too, so what makes sex so different from that?
This reads like one of those speeches by a "fallen women" that are supposedly delivered at Christian high schools to convince the kiddies (girls specifically) to preserve their "precious jewels" until marriage (presumed inevitable). Also, way to go for reinforcing the stereotype that women only have (premarital) sex when they're smitten and get pressured into it by emotionless sex-fiend males.
P.S. I don't remember what day I "lost my virginity" because "virginity" is a meaningless concept that I don't care about, and I don't want to get married anyway. fuck this shit.
For the longest time I regretted my first time because I felt I was pressured into it. I've gotten over it now too. It's happened and there's nothing I can do to take it back but to just simply move on with my life.
I've never been one to hold virginity on a pedestal because for all intents and purposes, sex is just a glorified make-out session in my mind.
*Applauds*
Very nice. :)
I never regretted my first time. I did, however, do what you did and continued to have sex with the guy I lost it to outside of a relationship, and that's the part that I'm not so proud of. Even so, I don't regret it. What happened, happened, and I can't change it. I learned a lot from it, and that's what's important.
i know a couple of people who stick to the "no sex until marriage" thing but they're willing to do or have done to them nearly everything else in the book. to me, this seems hypocritical. they're willing to get naked and do all sorts of things except actually stick a penis in or have a penis stuck in that one specific part on their body.
and i'm not really sure how to define virginity as far as some of us are concerned. i've had sex, lots of sex, but never with a man, so am i a virgin? my hymen is probably broken, but it wasn't broken by a man, so how am i defined? if i decide to start a relationship with a man, and he asked me that question, how do i answer?
and the hymen can be broken in ways other than having sex, too. what then? is the girl automatically branded a slut for life?
thanks for writing this.
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS BLOG!!!!!
Someone finally gave an realistic point of view to this whole sex/virginity thing!
I think I was the same age as you (owner of this post) when I gave away mine. I hate the term "LOST" when talking about it. As if it was unintentional. Anyway, I've had 3 sexual partners (am I saying too much here?) in my life, the last being my husband. He's also had 3, including me. We can talk about it without hesitation. It's not a big deal, as far as loving each other goes. It's not like we argue or call each other whores or something. That's so juvenille to think that the person you will marry would do that to you (referring to the blogger quoted at the beginning).
I think the real sexual issues these days are DISEASE and PREGNANCY. People just need to be careful and smart about their sexual health. If I were still single, I wouldn't engage in casual sex b/c I like being disease free. :)
Besides, the bible says lust is a sin. SO, wanting so badly to have premarital sex, desiring it, thinking about it, imagining it, is JUST AS MUCH of a sin as actually doing it.
religion is basically a personal choice, and i think there are ways to avoid temptation all together if you want to remain a virgin, but it is very hard.
something kind of similar happened to me, except it was my ex, and it was the first (and only with him) time, and after that, i never really heard from him again.. but the pain and regret i think are probably something of the same...
what i can't agree with is that i don't regret what happened anymore, because i still do... i didn't ever love him, and it was embarassing, painful, and i hated him and myself after he never talked to me again...
i wish it had been someone i loved my first time, i guess. and i won't ever stop regretting that.
Thank you so much for this blog! I see so many people write abut why we should abstain, that it's good to see something from a different perspective.
Like many others that have commented, I also don't regret my first time. It was with someone that I had dated on & off for 2 years, and we cared a lot about each other. We were both nervous, so I'm not sure we enjoyed it to the full extent, but it certainly wasn't disastrous. I remember leaving with a sense of relief, like "thank god THAT'S over." I sometimes think it's almost annoying how much some people value a stupid mucous membrane.
Interestingly enough, that was the only time that guy and I had sex, despite a couple other failed attempts at a lasting relationship. We're still great friends though, and I'm glad to have shared the experience with someone that I still trust deeply.
Since then I've obviously had other sexual partners. Some experiences I enjoyed, others I didn't, and if I were to go back I wouldn't sleep with certain people again. But you learn from your mistakes - I've learned to be more selective about who I share myself with, and I've become more assertive in avoiding getting pressured into situations I'm not comfortable with.
While premarital sex may not be for everyone, I don't like general statements implying that this behavior is physically and emotionally damaging to those that engage in it, because I think there are many like me that have learned a lot about themselves and are comfortable with the decisions they've made.
Good post. I can't really relate, because I am a virgin, not because of religious beliefs or anything except for disinterest. But it's true, for most people.. This is like something my sister should read.
My first time was online. I still haven't done it in real life. But I I don't regret it. He was (and still is) a good friend who I happened to develop feelings for. I told him I couldn't do it anymore, not because I thought it was wrong, but because of what I thought would happen if we continued. Thankfully, we're still friends after that. I still want to have sex with him in real life someday, but now is not the time.
The way i look at it is there are 2 reasons for sex, one being obviously procreation and the second being a bonding mechanism. This is why it is so hard getting over a boyfriend you are sexully intimate with. Each time you do this it is like marrying someone and then divorcing them. Sex bonds a couple because it causes you to give your self body and soul to another person. I only want to give myself fully to the one guy that is meant for me. If I have sex with every boyfriend untill I get married It is like giving away a piece of my heart to each one. I want to be able to give my future husband my whole heart.
You were already my favorite commenter, and now my favorite blogger. I also lost my virginity before marriage, and I always knew I would. I was sixteen, we had been together almost a year, and it was awesome the whole 3ish years total time together until he wanted to do weird things that I'm guessing make him a closet gay, and he ended everything by cyber sex cheating on me with a younger girl. But do I regret having slept with him? NO! We grew up together as friends, in our relationship, and sexually, and I loved every moment of it. How could I possibly regret something like that?
It's just sex! People need to chill out, and just be smart/safe about it. It's really that simple.
When you are driving on the pathway to happiness, You're going to keep asking "are we there yet?"
This is one of the best blogs I have read on Datingish.
I totally agree, and this gives me more insight on this. I felt kinda lost actually, but now I know I can relate to you.
"There are bigger things in my life to worry about
than the state of my hymen."
I love that. It's so true.
There is a big difference between someone who sleeps around (promiscuous) and someone who has only slept with a few people.
There is minimal difference between a virgin and someone who has only slept with a few people.
So chill out. If you made the promise and broke it one or 2 times then maybe you should not be so restrictive on yourself. Too many people of the virgin mindset equate premarital sex as dirty. But if you choose people wisely and don't go fucking around, what's the difference? You might marry and end up wasting it on a dickhead like Jessica Simpson did?!?!?! :)
Thank you so much for posting this blog. I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend, just a few months ago. And I'm only 16. At that time I didn't regret it at all, because I thought I loved him. But I think that love was really only lust. I'm now going back out with my other previous boyfriend of 8 months. I love him with all my heart, and that I'm sure of. We have had sex once and it meant so much more with him then it did with my ex. I did regret doing it with my ex, mainly because I was pressured into it. i've been trying to let go of that regret and your blog is helping to make me realize that I need to just let it go, everything happens for a reason.