Friday, 31 October 2008
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When Guys Dictate How You Feel about Yourself
"Epiphany" is probably the last word, to me, associated with love. But really, I had the best one the other night out of nowhere and it's one of those things where, had you learned it many years ago, you would have saved yourself copious amounts of pain and confusion. Let's break it down:
You got that job you've wanted, you finally obtained that great group of friends that Carrie Bradshaw herself would be envious of and maybe you even lost those few extra pounds everyone seems to be fretting about; but you didn't get the call. That call from that boy (or girl) who seemed like they were so interested. And now none of the lost weight, new job or friends seems to matter because the only thing you can dwell on is what didn't happen.
Why is it that people let the opposite sex dictate how they will view themselves or their days? Sure it happens with friendships too but majority of the time it always comes back to love. After allowing it to ruin their day, the phase where "what did I do wrong?" and "if only I were.." comes into play, and really it's all downhill from there.
When did it get so hard to focus on the positives, even if having a significant other wasn't one? Really, I moved to New York City after dreaming about it for years, and the only thing I could think of for a month was how the boy back home never followed through with coming to visit me. The lights, the new friends, the realization that I finally got out of a town that only had an E-Z Mart and mall diminished - stupid, right? All for love!
After I realized I had missed all of these opportunities in this amazing city because I was too busy stuffing my face with ice cream in my dorm, daring my phone to ring, made me more sick than anything. It's just a boy! They're everywhere! It was not the first time something like this has happened and it certainly won't be the last. But look at the bigger picture; I got the new city, the new friends, the new opportunities - things that will most likely stay with me longer. What's to complain about? Just another blip in the radar? Of all the cheesy, Hallmark-esque lines we're fed, "life's too short" is the one, I think, that bares the most truth. The opposite sex disappointing us should not make us forget that. It's not your fault they never called (which probably makes them an idiot), and fretting over it will just make it unnecessarily worse.
Do you let members of the opposite sex dictate how you view yourself some days? How do you shake that feeling?
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Comments (35)
We're conditioned to believe it. It only has power that you give it, after all.
Not really anymore. Rejection used to bother me a lot, now, though, the tables have turned, and I find myself being a rejector more often than not. Just give up that codependent belief system that says having a SO is better than not.
No one can hurt your without your consent.
I believe that the more involved and significant the relationship was/is affects us more than we truly want.
i don't think it's love related. i think people just have an innate desire to be accepted by someone else. but i also think it's important to learn to eradicate that desire.
this is why i would prefer to date someone who's been single far more often than not. they've grown to appreciate themselves as individuals.
I am super guilty of letting guys control how I feel. And when they find out that's how things go in my head, they often choose to ignore it and keep being jerks at the worst times.
"it's
one of those things where, had you learned it many years ago, you would
have saved yourself copious amounts of pain and confusion."
I believe this goes for all of life's little Epiphanies but sometimes we DO realize it in time so we never notice, sometimes we have epiphanies not meant for us. By this I mean if your friend is dating a guy like the one above, you then can see he's not worth it and realize that you don't deserve that crap. Disaster evaded and the diabolical plans of the universe are thwarted, if only for a day, they're placed on the back burner none-the-less.
I think in society we're taught to be reliant on a screwed up system, screwed up politicians, and screwed up people who take pills to be less screwed up. But in our 'civilization' (that term is used loosely) all of this is normal. It's normal to be dependent on your 8 mpg car/truck/van/suv, it's normal to be dependent on mom and dad, it's normal to be dependent on drugs, recreational or not, just to get by. Its because no-one is taught responsibility these days. Promises mean nothing and thank yous are non existent. Its me me me now now now or else I'm going to put you on a guilt trip to hell and back. Sorry for the bitter rant but it's my biggest pet peeve! If said boyfriend had followed through you wouldn't feel bad, if he had been responsible by keeping his promise it would be different.
Anyways, wonderful post. Thank you.
It took a while for me to understand this.
hm...that'd probably be a yes. Unfortunately. I try to think about the cool things that I am able to do like traveling and working. It's tough sometimes though.
I don't allow the opposite sex dictate how I view myself...I refuse to let people lower my self esteem because in the long run, they're not going to help me get it back up.
I try to not let it, but sometimes, I can't help it.
After a couple of days, I usually start to get over it, and then as more time passes, it doesn't bother me so much.
When I realize that I really don't care what they think of me physically (if I'm cute or not, whatever) then I'm able to be myself. Some people like it, some don't. And I don't care. If they don't like it, they can find someone else. Usually though, I get called and it surprises the hell out of me. In a good way. Mostly :)
I used to be like that, but not as much anymore. I've come to realize that's it's ridiculous to have my life depend wholly on them. Sure it helps if everything is going well between me and a guy, but my happiness isn't fully dependent on if I talked to them that day or heard "I love you." There's more involved in my life than just them.
I used to, but then I had en epiphany like you.
Guilty! Less than I used to be, but it still happens. Makes me look at myself (critically) and wonder what's wrong with me? On a good day, I realize what's wrong with me is merely the men I choose, which are not right for me. Or it's not necessarily what's wrong with me, but what's wrong with them.....
Most of the time, I'm happy and glad to be single. Don't get me wrong. I would love nothing more than a good, loving, HEALTHY relationship with a man. But until I CAN learn how to develop and maintain said relationship with a decent man, I'd rather not have one at all! It took a while to get here, but here I happily am!
I'm still trying to understand this. It's not that I don't know it's unhealthy to let some guy make you feel like crap. Sometimes it's difficult to control how you feel even when you know you're being ridiculous.
We all go through this.
People like to know that they're loved and that there's someone fantasizing about them. If you don't get that phone call, it's a hit to your ego, and nobody likes a hit to their ego, it just sucks. Sooner or later we get over, sometimes when there's someone else there to boost that ego back up.
I don't know how this happened, but my boyfriend always dictates how I feel. I'm becoming more and more clingy and I want his attention. Whenever he doesn't do something I wanna do, I get upset about it. And I know it's wrong.
Maybe I put him too high up with my priorities. He's probably gonna leave me anyway (and I don't see myself marrying him or anything), so now I'm focusing on other things in my life that are more stable and always will be with me =P. I won't let him dictate how I feel so much anymore.
After reading your post, I think I've had an epiphany too! Thanks.
wow let me just say that I love this post b/c its so positive and true. a lot of ppl with low or damaged self esteems need to be reminded of everything you said in this post.
On the bad days I will let someone of the oppisite sex dictate how I feel. I try to remind myself of who's opinion of me is more important : theirs or mines. Of course how I feel about myself and my choices is the most important.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - AGREED. I love your response.
Yes, unfortunately happens but I just keep telling myself "although I am probably not good enough for them, I am ENOUGH".. my self-esteem mantra!
we can't please everyone right?
wouldn't it be nice to be a control freak at some of the times? Probably not, no body like to be in control by someone else.
Ahh yes, I'm guilty of this. I try not to, but sometimes I really can't help but overthink why a girl didn't do this or do that. Girls...such a weakness
Buy yourself a "i am loved" pin clip it to your shoes, buy a life is good t-shirt and enjoy. You've accomplished everything you want, enjoy it. Don't worry that special someone will come around soon enough when you least expect it.