Thursday, 30 October 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Single & Starting Life Over...What Do I Do?
I recently just got out of an INTENSE year-long relationship with my ex-fiancé. He and I were to get married in September, but the wedding got called off, and he recently just kicked me out of our apartment for a third time due to my attitude.
During our relationship (when we fought) he would say that I was the cause of our fights and he was the effect, and even though he never hit me, sometimes it DID get physical. As much as I thought I loved my ex-fiancé, I was also still in love with my ex-boyfriend, "Angel," at the same time.
Angel is THE man I've wanted to be with over the last four years, but because he "wasn't ready," I dated other men. And for some reason, whenever things with me and an ex go badly (I've had some other bad relationships), I ALWAYS go back to Angel in the end.
Angel is the type of guy that's responsible, funny, smart, aware of how to handle his emotions, and respectful of me mentally and physically as a woman -- he's NEVER degraded me.
After all of this time (and waiting a long time to work things out), do you think I should try to work things out with Angel? Would it TRULY be worth it? The only downside is that if we got back together, I'd only see him once a week because we live an hour away and work opposite schedules.
PLEASE HELP!
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Comments (33)
Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Go for it.
Why does it have to be TRULY worth it? You've been slumming (a better word escapes me currently) around with other men who from what you've said don't seem worth your time. It seems you've been holding onto the prospect of this guy for a while? Now that you can pursue it, why walk away?
if u keep living in the past without any huge changes, u wont be able to move on with ur life. if u think this thing with Angel is worth pursuing...u better make sure hes ready now for whatever it is that you want. or else its going to be just a waste of time... its always SAFER to return to the past but seriously, theres always reasons why certain things and ppl just dont work out. if he wasnt ready then why would he be ready now?
Unless he has actually said so? (if he has then disregard my post. i didnt see it mentioned anywhere)
if its going to have the storybook ending then go for it. i just hope its NOT just another go-around cuz those things can loop forever. and guys, as nice and responsible as they are, can just happily let certain situations be -- indefinitely.
whoa. this is scarily close to what I'm going through.
I also just broke up with my fiance (we've been together for 2 years). And I also have interest in a guy I've known for years that I liked before my fiance. I don't truly have any advice for you at this point, but just letting you know that I can relate.
Once a week huh...i would say no because if your in a committed relationship you need to be able to see that person when you need/want to. All thats going to happen is you or he is going to find something that is more suitable to their schedule and adventually grow apart. But you can try by all means, couldn't hurt to try or could it?
I would definitely advise you to pursue that relationship if you can deal with the challenges of not seeing your SO regularly (I know a lot of people aren't mature enough for that). Even if you only get to see each other once a week it can still work as long as both of you are mature enough to want it to work and to be committed to a relationship. Besides, with cell phones and email and social networking sites and IM the relationship can easily grow even during the rest of the week when you are apart. Besides, the separation will make that one time a week more special.
If you want to be with him, then yes, go for it. But the question is, does he want to be with you? What, in these last four years, wasn't he "ready" for?
If you have a pattern of being with men who aren't good to you, I would fear that this guy Angel might actually not be all that different, even though you have such nice things to say about him on this post. If he's not willing to give you his heart, but you want to give him yours, he's sort of carrying the cards in the relationship. You might feel the urge to work so hard to keep him, which then opens up the possibility of him using you (even if he doesn't mean to).
So I would say, before pursuing anything with Angel, do some self-reflection to figure out why you've had these bad relationships. And figure out why, in spite of you always going back to Angel after these relationships end, have you not actually ended up with him. Because then, once you've sorted out all these issues within yourself, you'll be a happier, more confident person who can then be a good partner to Angel, rather than someone who's healing from the hurt of previous relationships and needs a crutch.
GO FOR IT!! He sounds great, and if you keep wanting to be with him, then you need to try. No other man will fully satisfy you if you're still hung up on him, so what's the harm?
GO BACK TO HIM!
He sounds great and if you give it enough time hopefully he'll be ready!
okay, stop sugar coating. FUCKING RETARDED.
sorry, that's true as hell. you treat your EX fiance like shit..why the hell did you say YES in the first place? knowing that you are ALREADY MADLY INFATUATED with another person? This is stupid.
If your 'ANGEL' wanted you a long time ago..why didn't he stick by you? why wait after a thousand relationships& even a time where you're about to GET MARRIED..???
Haha, this shit is funny. Think it's Karma getting you, having bad relationships. ..Those men who wanted to be with you. lol, then in the end, you don't get what you want. Realize this, you don't need what you want.
Ta da. You don't even sound like your care for you ex-fiance, read back. You only dwell over Angel.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - dammmn, not holding anything back!
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - u know you agree :)
why go into a relationship with someone when ur not even over ur ex? ur ex-fiancée did not have ur love coz ur love was for angel, and that's pretty messed up.
I was gonna say go for angel again, but seriously, imanairheadxl's point is so true.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - thank you for saying that. I have no energy to write my own, but this person totally just sums up what I was thinking when I was reading this entry. We are not going to say nice things because some person have relationship problems, they need to learn to take responsiblity and just suck it up. Don't plan to marry a guy you don't like, because it isn't fair to either one of you!
I'd try to do my research and check out his status before doing anything. People change over a period of 4 years, including you. You can also meet up for coffee just to see if you and him still have chemistry together.
@immaairheadxl@xanga@Roadlesstaken@xanga -- before i started reading people's comments I was expecting something like yours, then when I did I was like "wtf?!"...they dont think she's doing something wrong here?? I think her fiance probably knew about her feeling for angel and couldn't take it anymore...
Is... 1 year long enough to decide that you would likely want to marry someone? It seems more like rebound x 4 years and as a last ditch effort you became fiance of the now ex-fiance.
In any case, I would stay away from men (boys or whatever) for a long while and focus on other things in your life just to help clear your mind. Maybe you just don't know what you really want. You don't always need to be with somebody though.
Without knowing all the details about your life and of the ex-fiance, "rebounds", and ANGEL it is difficult to really say anything definite except to make some extrapolations on your situation and your personality - judging from the responses they are fairly negative.
You just don't know where you stand. Just go be single.
Personally, you already made a wrong move by always going to Angel. You're possibly wasting your time by dating other people while thinking about Angel. Go for what you want(Angel), and don't play games with yourself or others.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - Wow!!
I agree with what she said but not so...uh.. mean lol
i think what you really need to do after this breakup with your ex fiance is be single for a while. think things out without having someone around. i know thats tough, but after reading this half of me believes that maybe after this break up, you're really down so you are seeking comfort from this ex flame. OR maybe you possibly have tried moving on from this guy from the past, and anyone you meet just doesnt compare. BUT you wereee going to marry this guy that just broke up with you. HE called it off, so that makes it seem like you might just be seeking comfort in someone thats familiar? . If i were you i would take the loneliness for a while. do things on your own without a relationship, and then after a few months or so if you still truly believe this man is the one for you, then go for it.
Better do it then regret it forever, right? :)
Maybe this guy IS the one for you. Maybe not...
But you won't know unless you try until you can not try anymore. xD
But then again, you might get hurt from this Angel guy.. sooooo. Lot of things to consider. I hope you choose wisely~
if "Angel" was really that great, he would have gone out with you by now. Sorry chick.
explain why you dated other men when he wasn't ready? if you love him that much, i'm pretty sure an ordinary person would actually wait for him and continue to do its own thing..
btw, are you the only child? for some reason, it just seems like you don't ever want to be single/alone..
Quite similar to what i'm dealing with. =/ Well, if he accepts you and if he's the "love" of your life then I think getting back with the dude would be emotionally better for you, even if it means you'll only see him once a week.