Thursday, 30 October 2008
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Finding A Soulmate...After Marriage?
This is a guest blog submitted by LucyWrites.
I once saw a movie called Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. And yes, I totally pasted that title from another location; I'm not Indian, so I'm not about to remember all of those words. The translation of the title is "Never Say Goodbye", after a line said by one of the principals at the beginning of the movie. "Goodbye cuts off all possibility of meeting again", he says to the woman who he'd eventually have an affair with.
That's right. This is a big budget, Bollywood produced movie about infidelity, of all things. Normally Bollywood movies are so conservative that although almost every Bollywood film is a romance, you never see the two principals kissing on the mouth. Yet somehow, into this movie they manage to fit in an entire lovemaking scene, as well as several makeout scenes all the time completely avoiding any actual lip-to-lip contact. Talk about bending the rules.
Speaking of conservatism, adultery is definitely a subject matter not usually tackled by Indian cinema, which has a reputation for being conservative in its images of sex. Yet this movie was about two people who found their "soulmates" after they were married... to other people.
The big question brought by this movie is - what do you do if you meet your "soulmate" after marriage? The attitude of the movie is, if you meet someone that you fall truly, deeply in love with while you are married to someone else, well then the morally correct thing to do is leave that person you're married to, because you're not good for them anyway.
I enjoyed the film, although I thought it was a bit too soapy. Most of the songs were even tolerable - one of my big beefs with mainstream Indian cinema is the endless, long and boring music interludes. And of course, I have no objections to spending long periods of time looking at this gentleman:
or this gentleman:
...it's just that I so disagree with that notion of disposable marriage... but I personally think that marriage and love is more than just about "passion" and who is your "soulmate". First of all, soulmates don't exist. There are several people in this world that each of us will be able to get along with in a marriage capacity. I don't mean necessarily that you can be happy married to just anybody, of course not - but once you do get married, well baby you have to work. Love takes work, and when you don't have those "special feelings" anymore and you meet someone else that you think is your "soulmate" you don't just break your family up and act like it's the right thing to do. But that's just my insignificant opinion.
What do you think? Is it "right" to break up an unhappy marriage if you think you've found your "soulmate"?
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Comments (34)
i totally agree. i have been married for almost 9 years. and i think we become more "soulmate-ish" every day... but i don't think we were "made for each other".
we are a perfect fit. i adore him, and him, me... but buddy- we WORK at it. every. single. day. it's hard. it takes effort, but it's sooo worth it.
NO
i'm not married & i haven't found my soulmate
read my 9/21 entry.. shiet, i DID Meet my soulmate, but he left me for his previous gf because of complication issues... dont even ask why... i dunno if he thinks, well meet again, or anythin, but i do miss him terribly... and its rare to find them too
if you find your soulmate AFTERWARDS, and nothing is WRONG with your current relationship, then stay in it. dont risk in going to your soulmate.. not worth it
@Hippmama@xanga - i like your answer. couldn't have put it better myself. there's nobody out there that you just FIT with easilly. there's always hardships, sacrifices, and work. some harder than others, but there will always be something you gotta put in/change. that's why i don't believe in soulmates either. besides, out of billions of people, what are the chances you find your "soulmate" if he/she is even out there?! it sounds like just an excuse to get out of a marriage (boredom? adventurous-ness? want more?), and it's silly.
If your marriage is unhappy and it doesn't seem to be getting better, I think it's ok.. unless there are children involved. You should try your hardest to work things out for the sake of your kids, although dealbreakers should still be dealbreakers even then.
But there's a difference between an UNHAPPY marriage and an IMPERFECT one, and I think sometimes people get those confused. I don't believe in soulmates, but I believe there are a few people in this world you're capable of working things out with way better than others. You can make it work, but it'll always be a little imperfect. But if you're unhappy, and there are no kids, you both may be better off without each other.
I don't believe in soulmates. I think the soulmates that people referring to are nothing more than just temporary mixture of friendship + attraction (which could be either lust or romantic).
About marriage, I share the same view with hippmama (though you can discard my opinion b/c i'm not married).
ugly guy
I dont believe in soulmates either or more less you have to work at being a soulmate if that makes sense. But finding a "soulmate" after marriage!? One word, stupid!
I think very few people are actually lucky enough to end up with their "soulmate". Such a thing may exist, but circumstances may make it impossible for you to actually be together. You can't throw away a marriage for this, that's not fair to the partner who has given everything to you. All I can say is that you can be friends with the soulmate, but no more, and it's bittersweet but at least you got to know what you wanted... but you can't use it as an excuse to be bitter toward your actual partner or treat them badly. This is real life, most everybody deals with it.
If no children are involved, than I guess I would have to say yes.
Thinking you are in love with someone besides your spouse will never just go away. And it will cause problems in the marriage.
Yes. If you have a wart, don't you remove it? If your jeans don't fit, wouldn't you get new ones or put something else on?
If you have gonorrhea, don't you get it taken care of?
Okay, that last one was a bit much. I'm just entertaining myself. But I think it's right. Infidelity, no. Divorce, yes.
CONGRATS LUCY!
@wewong@xanga - I thought that was hilarious. Everyone else is seriously commenting and you're just like "ugly guy" ahahaha <3
In my honest opinion, I say you do whatever it is that makes you happy. You only have ONE life, live it to the fullest and make the most of it.
Just be sure you know what you're doing. I am married (two & a half years and still going strong) and I love him dearly. I don't know if we are soulmates or if he is "the one" but I love him terribly and could not picture myself without him. We work hard at our marriage and I do have my days where I think what if we aren't made for each other. I think we all have days like that, but at the end of the day when I am curled up next to him, I know that he is the one I choose to be with.
If I am to find someone later in life that seems like my soul mate, then whatever. It all depends on your terms of soul mate. I think my soul mate is my best friend. Me and her fit perfectly together. We understand each other inside & out. We joked around back in high school if either of us would have been a male, we would have been married before we graduated. Lol.
I guess I am the odd one then.I absolutely believe that we all have a soulmate out there .I also believe a very small percentage of people ever find their soulmates.If you are unhappily married with no kids and you find your soulmate I say go for it.Life is too short.Why stay in a marriage without love or passion?You can work a relationship all you want but that doesnt mean it will bring you the things your heart is dying to feel.I was in a similar situation,the soulmate was a choice that changed my life for the better and still is every single day.All I know is I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
My answer is don't get married if you are not ready to get married or if you are not sure that you love your SO to that capacity. But even if you went into marriage (with proper thought, trust, and respect), and somehow , out of pure bad luck, found another person you are absolutely in love with, well then I don't know. That's the thing with love and life, it's so complicated. You just need to make your own judgment and hope that you made the right choice.
This is quite a difficult issue to deal with. I do agree that love takes work and I also believe that no matter who we end up with, it's unlikely that it'll be fireworks till the end... in which case, the hard work is necessary.
If the marriage is an unhappy one though, then I would say it's best to break up. I think we all live and struggle to attain happiness everyday, and this shouldn't be an exception. I also believe that if there are children involved, it is possible to assure that they grow up into healthy beings, as long as the same amount of love is given to them. After all, children of divorced parents are quite common these days.
@DANKNIGHT@xanga - i agree with you.
Well, it is an unhappy marriage...so why not? You just gotta think about the consequences 'cause it might actually give you more problems than great feelings.
i love indian/middle-eastern men lol but they dont like chicks like me lol
My marriage fell apart and then the person who I had years before thought to be my soul mate walked back into my life. We'll see where it goes. But I think you can have soul mates that aren't romantic and whether or not my guy and I are romantic soulmates remains to be seen but I know that we will forever be friends and share a connection that neither of us shares with anyone else.
I say that it is better to end it than make things miserable for everybody else. If it turned into sneaking behind your spouses back, wouldn't it be better just to end it instead of potentially hurting somebody? But is only if you are sure that is what you want. If you leave your spouse for somebody else you probably won't have another chance with your spouse. Well unless they care for you that much that they are willing to forgive you. It would be better for everybody involved it you just got out of it. No need to hurt somebody if you don't have to. The divorce will probably hurt enough. You don't have to make it worse by them finding out you were sneaking around behind their back before it happened.
If the marriage is abuse, falling apart to begin with, there is no adultery involved, then sure. Have at it! There is no such thing as soulmates. Ppl throw away good partners everyday thinking they would do better, but when they realize anybody can be their "soulmate" they realized their mistake. Which they usually don't.
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - we have standards too, you know ;p i don't think i've ever met a girl with a brown guy "fetish," if it can so be called, but in all honesty i'm rather intrigued.
if it makes you feel any better, most brown people i know aren't opposed to interracial dating/marrying. (i happen to be an exception to the rule--i have no issue with other people doing what they want, but i personally prefer indian girls.)