This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I've decided to write this post because of
imagoodegg31's
post on this site. She said stuff about past is past, and you are still beautiful and stuff. I want to believe it. I really do. I want to feel beautiful. I'm actually not a bad looking girl. But what I have inside of me makes me look and feel ugly. So. This post is a post from the depth of my soul. Well, I guess it's a confession/rambling of a sort. I just really wanted to get this out of me. Just.. to have it somewhere that's not inside my head and heart.
I'm a 22-year-old Asian female. Christian, and somewhat serious about it. I was brought up by parents who are very strict and traditional in their way of thinking.
When I was 17 or 18, I had a boyfriend. He was around my age too. It was attraction at first sight, and it blossomed to love - or so I thought, when it was just infatuation. I don't know whether or not he was a good influence on me.. He taught me to smoke weed, to drink to get drunk, and also taught me the ways of .. sex. But he also taught me to smile, loosen up, and enjoy life. He helped me out of my depression with jokes and laughs.. But now I'm just digressing.
The point of all that was to say that he and I had sex and I am affected very much by it. Christians are NOT supposed to have premarital sex, right? Well, more like "don't have sex with someone who's not going to be your husband/wife." But yeah, I'm not going to marry him, so I guess I've "sinned." It really doesn't help that my parents have always been telling me (and still are telling me) that a woman who's had sex with someone other than husband won't be loved by her husband for long.
First time I had sex with him, I was high, drunk and a virgin. I never intended to have sex. I was really saving myself for marriage! After that first time, it was sort of like, "I've already been tainted, why stop? Besides, I love him. ...right?" and so.... yeah. We've dated 2-5 months at a time, for total of 4 times over the course of 3 years. The reason we got back together each time? Well, he said he still loved me, and I couldn't live without him. We had this connection. It was a kind of a connection I've never had with anyone else. I think it's true when people say relationships go to whole another level when you add sex to it. =shrug=
.I've tried not to regret having sex. I mean I loved him, right?
I tried not to be so bitter about it. Once again, there was love, right? But.. I just can't get past it. I get so depressed now and then (okay, pretty often) thinking about this. I can't bring myself to really like someone. I feel like I've been dirtied, tainted. I feel worthless, used, impure, etc., etc.
Since then I haven't had sex with anyone else. I've dated another guy or two, but even light kissing didn't feel right. A few times, I had flings. I tried just letting go and enjoying sex. But no, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I always had to calm the guy down with giving oral and left it at that. (Come to think of it, I don't think I was ever completely sober when I had sex with my ex-bf, but does that matter? I don't know)
I'm very afraid. I'm attracted to guys, but I don't like them that way anymore. I'm afraid that I'll never like guys again (girls are attractive too, but I don't think I roll that way). I'm afraid that I won't meet anyone else who would make me feel the way he made me feel back then. I'm afraid that I'll never meet the person who'd accept me the way I am. I'm afraid that even if I get married, once in a while I'm going to have argument with my husband and he'll say something like "you weren't a virgin when we got married" or just look down on me.
I'm afraid that I'll never like sex (I didn't like sex when I had it with my ex-BF. It was more like.. out of duty? Out of punishment for myself?). I'm afraid that I'll never be accepted to the "Asian Christian community" (yes, Christianity is all about love and forgiveness, but Christians are humans too - they judge). I'm afraid that my parents would disown me if they ever found out. Rather, I'm afraid that mother would pass out finding out that I've had sex, and father disowning me. Hell, they've raised hell when I said I wanted a 2nd piercing on my ears!
I think I'm hurt. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for having had premarital sex.
Will I ever be loved? Will I ever learn to let go of my past? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be worthy enough for another person's love? Will I ever be able to love? Better yet, will I ever be able to let myself love?
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Comments (291)
Girl, what's done been done. Move on. If a guy truly loves you, he won't care about your past or whether you still have your virginity intact.
You are still beautiful as a whole person. Love yourself more, ya?
I've gotta say, cry me a river. If you were such a devout Christian, you'd keep to your ways. As for me, I don't think premarital sex is wrong. Same with many other people. So I wouldn't get caught up in all you're saying.
There's nothing wrong with having sex, and there's nothing wrong with you for liking it. You are not worthless and all that other crap you posted. I think you need to get over it.
Go cry to your church, repent, ask for forgiveness, whatever, and don't do it again. Or do what a ton of other people do, and take the bible with a grain of salt, and do what you feel is best for YOU.
I wouldn't feel guilty forever because of all that stuff, what a waste of an existance.
I wish I could envelope you in a hug right now. I've got a friend, a good and close friend who is also a Christian (like me), who did almost the same things as you - and I still love her. Of course I do not condone what she did, but I certainly do not hate or dislike her, and I accept her as she is.
Please, don't hate yourself. What's done is done - accept it. God loves you whether you did have sex or not, and He has forgiven you if you've asked for His forgiveness. Just... don't do it again. Why? Because you'd hurt yourself more, besides hurting God and your parents. Don't worry about what others think because you can never please them. Just think about GOD, about how He loves you and how He grieves if you disobey Him. That's it.
*Hugs*
Let it go! Most people aren't virgins when they get married. Just because you're not a virgin doesn't mean your future husband won't love you..
I know how you feel about your parents disowning you though; Mine would do the same if they found out I lost my virginity! But not because I lost it, because of the color of the guy I lost it to.. But that's a whole different subject.
Just let the past be the past and move on :)
hey, i can totally relate to you. im a christian :) and i have da same kind of strict christian parents who tells you not to have sex before marriage. da thing is, i never thought premartial sex is a problem, because all my friends already had sex by the time their 18, and here i am da outcast, still a virgin! and i drank (but i dont get drunk) and thought that i could somehow loosen up and get da " virginity" thing over with. Ha, somehow i couldnt...and now i regret of ever thinking of drinking and even wanting to have sex.im sure there will be someone out there who love you for who you are including your past.
here is a scripture i found very encouraging when i was feeling most depress:
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Remans 8: 39 btw, read 1 timothy 1:15-17 im sure u can relate :)
find your self-confidence through God, dont try to find it through other people..because you will never get anything fufilling. really, just read His words! I dont even know you, but i can tell your a great person because you care so much how God sees you. You put God as ur first priority.
i'll keep you in prayers!
It sounds like you went through a whole lot of confusion in the past 4 years or so. I think it's tough for you, being Asian, and being Christian as well. It sounds like you are the kind of girl who really wants to please a guy. For example, you mentioned that you'd give oral when you don't want to have sex; also, that you had sex with your ex out of duty etc.
A combination of those really is difficult for you. On one hand, you really want to please someone you love and care about. On the other hand, being a traditional Asian and Christian, you feel guilty to have sex. You are filled with conflicting thoughts and guilt because these two sides of you do not fit.
It won't be easy, but I believe that you will get comfortable with yourself at some point. What you eventually need to realize that, having had sex does not make you a bad person. Your future husband would not look down on you because you are not a virgin when you married. In fact, you should refuse to go out with someone who would judge you like that. I believe that you will fall in love again. Perhaps not in the same way as the first time, but you will find someone who will accept you, the way you are, and love you unconditionally. I think you'll realize that those rules of traditions and rules of being a Christian is made by people. You should learn to find your own values. Perhaps some of them will conincide with those rules, but some of them won't. You'll comfortable with that, and try not to constantly judge yourself against impossible rules.
Sincerely wish you good luck on getting over the past and learn to accept who you are.
What's happened here is a conditioning of two different aspects. Both of which, got the same result.
The first, is the religious and parental aspect. Christians tend to believe in chastity before marriage, but most do not follow through with this. It's an archaic idea that only came about simply because people got married far earlier in the past than they do now (I'm talking before 18!), so, unless you completely committed yourself to a chaste life, let it go. Otherwise, well, you have only yourself to blame for letting go of your promises.
Then, there's your parents. The following sentence is so abysmally inaccurate that I had to paste it back in here for further study: "a woman who's had sex with someone other than husband won't be loved by her husband for long" This is nonsensical scare-tactics. There's no scientific, or psychological proof that backs up this inane theory. In most cases, men do not care whether you had sex with someone else or not, but rather, if you will be having sex with THEM at some point.
Relationships can go from level to level. There's the friend level, the casual dating level, the intimate dating level, and the married level. Each level requires some specific "leap" to reach:
Friend to Casual Dating - Requires at least the desire to date the other; involves hand holding (sometimes), more "intimate" hugging, spending more time together (sometimes), and other less "intensive" interactions.
Casual Dating to Intimate Dating - Is usually a monogamous decision by two people. This level includes kissing, hand holding, "copping a feel", and even sex. More time is spent with one another, and may even last a long period of time.
Intimate Dating to Marriage - Isn't it obvious? One proposes, the other accepts. You have a ceremony (sometimes), sign a certificate, and bam! Get ready for plenty of sex and good times (not applicable in all marriages, void where prohibited). This is also the "magical step" according to some Christians, where sex is now "legal" to have. Which is utter bullshit. But that's another thing to worry about later on.
So, you can see that relationships really are not as cut-and-dry as "Sex is wrong before marriage".
The second aspect, is a personal aspect. You created an identity that is repulsed by sex, yet still tries to use it as a "band-aid", giving you a dualistic personality. This cycle needs to stop. Either, you swear off sex until you are married, or just accept the fact that sex is a part of nature and shouldn't be hindered by archaic dogmatic practises. Either one works out (my sister is celibate and will remain so until marriage. My brother, too. Me? I'm laid and happy as shit about it).
Find out what will work out for you and stick with it. Don't give yourself out to reach an inane expectation others have for you. The first step is to have self-respect, and you can only obtain that by coming to grips with what you went through, learning from it, and moving on. It's that simple (in theory, the practise will be difficult). If you continue to suffer from this dualistic identity, seek therapeutic counseling (psychologist) for professional help. It's not healthy to live in this constant state of self-deprication and destruction.
Finding someone who's still a virgin pass college is really hard today. Truth is, the guy that you marry may not even be a virgin himself, and he won't care that you're not one either. You're not worth by such silly things as premarital sex, you're worth by what you can offer and for who you truly are. Putting sex up so high is killing you, don't let it take control. If it really bothers you, talk to your minister or revend or who ever, aren't they suppose to give you guidance and help you out. Don't care too much of what others think, as long as you regret what you did, God will still see you in that same light of love.
@thegreenwaffle@xanga - There's no such thing as a "second virginity". Once it's gone, it's gone. Blanketing reality is far more harmful than admitting to it. This is where the Christian faith continually fails as a religious practise. Your definition of "pure" is fallacious as well. But, we'll just look away, since I'm doubting you'll prepare a well-rounded argument that doesn't involve pretentious, random quotes from an ill-translated text that was written with the idea of servitude and constraint in mind.
@haloed@xanga - I simply LOVE your tactful approach to things
ugh I hate it when I write a whole long comment and then backspace. :-/
Ok ditto the above comment. I know it's hard to accept yourself when you know you've made a mistake. But you are still something precious and to be loved. And a man who truly loves you WILL accept who you are, past included.
One, admit you made a mistake (check)
Two, ask forgiveness of anyone you think you need to have forgiveness of. And that includes yourself - that is the hardest thing. After you've asked forgiveness of others take ONE time, go somewhere where you can be alone for a long time. Then bring everything back up and go through every detail, it's going to hurt, but think through it all. Then realize that there is NOTHING to big that God can't forgive. His love for you goes on in spite of that. Try to see yourself from His point of view. Then, move on. REFUSE to think about it. I mean when the merest of thought of it comes to your head, say out loud to yourself "I WILL not think about that." Distract yourself with another task until the thoughts go away. It's going to be hard, but after a while, you will be able to think about it less and less.
Three, seek counsel from your pastor. Hopefully he's the type that will be able to help you find loving acceptance in the christian community. Find someone though who will be able to help you move on. And also the entire church does not need to know about it. Yes there will be christians who judge you. But guess what? They're going to judge every single other person who walks in that door as well. That's their own sin problem.
Four, stop compromising with guys now. Go back to your standards before you had sex with your ex. Would you have had oral sex before that? If not, then stop doing it now. If you want to move on from it then stop living in the effects of it.
Also, there are so many good, Godly, christian women out there who are serving the Lord today who have less than spotless pasts. But they got right with the Lord, forgave themselves, then started living that way.
Love and prayers...
-Rae
(Feel free to message me if you want.)
@Schristian@xanga - I'm pretty sure that we've established that it's gone. It's the principle, you fool.
"(Come to think of it, I don't think I was ever completely sober when I
had sex with my ex-bf, but does that matter? I don't know) "
I don't know about your laws, but here, there is no such thing as giving informed consent when one party or the other, or both are drunk. You've been taken advantage of in more ways than one (him too).
I am supposed you grew up in a strict home that is somewhat traditional; don't forget there is a whole wide world out there. You will be loved by someone, and it will take time, but you will probably learn to love someone again as well. Time is key.
In the meantime, take a good hard look at yourself. You may not like everything you see, but you are you for better or for worse, and it is better to be able to live with yourself, to accept yourself, than to worry about some ex-bf. Like VersaGratis said, What's done is done. Can't change the past, but you can direct the future.
Madam, you need to take this to God first. After reading your post, I can see that you really haven't talked to him about it, and it seems that the faith you have is more like riding your parents' coattails. You really ned to set a time aside, and just pour all of this out to God. God is a forgiving God, and maybe the fact that you keep having to stop yourself before having sex again is God's way of wantign your attention. Get with God, talk to him, pour your heart out to him, and ask his forgiveness in Jesus' name, and he will receive you again. In fact, he is waiting for you to come to him and talk (Psalm 86.5, Nehemiah 9.17, Isaiah 1.16-20).
Life is too short for these kinds of regrets. The whole point of Christianity is that everyone sins and Jesus forgives you for your sins. I do have to say that the fact you've never had sex sober is probably a bad sign and means you shouldn't have been having it because you weren't ready. But what's done is done and you can't undo it.
And if your husband looks down on you for not being a virgin, then he doesn't love you. And he's in no place to judge unless he's a virgin himself. Not that he should judge you regardless. But if you find someone who loves you, he will forgive your past mistakes because everyone makes mistakes.
And you will find someone who will love you. You will love again. You will find that attraction when the time is right. But first you need to be ok being single. You need to be ok on your own before you're ready to be with someone else.
I Was in the same place you are a few years ago. I hated myself that I allowed someone to tempt me in that way and like you I was drunk my first time and I never intended it to happen. And again it was more like out of obligation or something like that each time afterwards with my ex.
I hated that I allowed it to happen and it wasn't with a man I would marry, though I thought I would marry him at the time. BUt now I am in a committed and loving relationship and sex isn't an issue. He knows it has happened in my past and it has in his being he is divorced, but he's okay with it and loves me just the same.
You will find love and when you do, he will understand and love you all the same. And the thing with sex and enjoying it I think is when you reach a certain level of intimacy tha tis not physical: emotional, intellectual and spiritual it is something you enjoy because it is with someone you are supposed to be with.
@thegreenwaffle@xanga - That's not what you said. You didn't say "in essence" or "metaphorically", you simply stated that she reclaimed her physical virginity ("Giving her a second virginity"). The only "fool" here, is the one who didn't put out their meanings appropriately. Now, if you wish to transgress back to middle-school with name-calling, rather than intelligent conversation, I'll bid you adieu. Stick to Revelife, where the answers are oh-so clear and concise (ie. Leviticus).
You're too hard on yourself. Love yourself. The past is the past. We can't relive it. Some people's first time is rape but they move past it. Don't suffocate in regret.
you said you're a Christan and it seems like to me you don't understand the true meaning of Christ. You need to go back to the salvation, what it means, what Jesus did for you. If you can't even figure out what it means by what Jesus have done for you, you need to speak to someone who's more spiritual and knowledgeable on the bible, hopefully he/she can guide you what salvation really means.
@Schristian@xanga - *blush blush blush* thank you :)
I had pre-marital sex, but I don't regret it because I love him. Check out my blog on Pornography & Sex.
I've always considered myself a fairly moderate person. I believe you that none of us should be extremists in any aspect of our lives. But honestly, the whole foundation of Christianity is built on forgiveness. I think you're being entirely too hard on yourself when it seems that you now realize what it is you want.
I think people make mistakes, but nothing you can do can take you so far away from the happiness God has in store for you. And skeptics can say whatever they want, but when it comes down to it....many have been emotionally scarred from being in sexual relationships that end up amounting to nothing. Don't let anyone else on here downgrade your personal beliefs.
I think the problem with some Christians these days is that they view sex in a negative light. I mean we all have our own viewpoints, but other people look at us Christians and think we're repressed, hypocritical, and illogical.
I say, why NOT wait to have sex with someone you truly care about? Maybe, on some level, you thought you loved your ex and you know what? We're all human. I don't think anyone can truly know they love someone until they've truly gotten to know them..but most of us don't even know ourselves!
Listen-I'm not trying to sound high and mighty...or even say that it's okay to live by society's "norms," I think, in your heart, you know you haven't found the right person which is why you feel the way you to.
I look back on all that I've experienced and regret nothing. I think we all need to delve into "wordly ways" in order to get a better sense of ourselves. You need not worry what others in the church or what your family might think of you. I think you know that you've become a better person because of all you've gone through.
Hey-I'm struggling with myself too. I look at my parents, and the fact that they conceived me before they were married and I don't think that was a mistake. At the same time, I've promised myself that I want to wait till I'm married...and not merely because of my religious beliefs...but because it's what I want. Some of my friends have already had sex and you know what...that's them. I don't think less of them for it. It's just something you can't take back and I would hate for my first time to be with someone I'll be regretting years from now.
i'm a 20 yr old asian christian guy who was pretty much in that same situation. it's definitely a very difficult thing to get over. but as @JandJinJapan@xanga - stated, i think its very true that we've got to bring this before God first. it's been like two years for me now, and i feel like i still can't bring myself to God with these kinds of issues. its may be one thing being the girl, but for me being the guy i feel like i've screwed up doubly because not only did i make a mistake, but i feel like i've ruined a girl's life. people keep saying that relationships are two-way, but i still don't think i believe them. nowadays, i'm afraid to get into any kind of relationship with a girl, for fear of ruining her life, because thats how all every girl, including my last ex who i had sex with made me feel.
@y_tc@xanga - had a good point though, that this is exactly what salvation is. i think that words like salvation and grace are words that we know, but don't fully comprehend yet. it's something that i still feel myself struggling with, but i'm hopeful that someday i truly will understand God's all forgiving grace.
Are you sure it's the sex that's making you feel bad and not the circumstances under which you started having it? Because I'm a Christian and have a sex life and don't feel impure or dirty in any way. But I also can't assume everyone feels like that, especially because many girls are introduced to their sexuality in less than ideal ways. The circumstance you described--being high and drunk--doesn't sound like one you were very comfortable with and still struggle to reconcile in your heart.
Please don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you are unworthy of love because you've had sex. But also don't feel like you have to have sex with someone just because you've already done it. It's not a purity, it's about loving yourself and making choices that make you feel safe and authentic. You are not dirty, you are beautiful.
FYI: Government statistics show that the premarital sex rate (by age 35) has held roughly constant at 95% since the '50's. Inevitably, this means the vast majority of parents trying to convince their children it's such a sin to have premarital sex are hypocrits. People, Christians included, have always been having premarital and extra-marital sex; thinking otherwise is a revision of history.