Miss SealHow do you break up with a friend? It's a valid question. Relationships
are nothing if not complicated, but at least you know when the beastly
ogre is breaking your heart:
We need to talk.
It's not you; it's me.
I'm moving back to Ukraine to join the football league, etc., etc.
But
how do you let a friend go? I'm not a horrible person, I just think all
interactions between human beings are on some level relationships. I
often feel like I'm dating my friends, and I certainly love them more
than I've loved my insignificant others. You can't be mad when a friend
gets a new best friend -- it's not infidelity. And they usually do
return your calls. So what happens when you drift apart, but only one
of you is getting it? What do you say?
The laughter isn't what it used to be.
You never take me out.
I'm moving back to Brooklyn to join a writer's commune.
The
good (and tricky) thing about friendship is that it doesn't have an
ending, or doesn't have to. But the person who went to junior high with
you isn't the same person now, and neither are you. It gets awkward.
You have long silences, and you have no idea what to say to them. It
actually very much resembles a bad first date.
Recently, my
friend told me how she broke up with a friend. The friend had basically
ditched her and was pretty awful, but I have friendships where we have
simply lost all common ground, but staying in touch feels like the
decent thing to do. Continuing the friendship feels insincere to me,
and I never walk out of the lunch without feeling kind of guilty.
So
what do I do? Do I stop returning their calls? Do I say I'm always
busy? Do I make more of an effort to find common ground? Either way, I
feel like such a jerk. When did friendships become so complicated?
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Comments (44)
I don't think friends need to make a clean break. Lovers do because it's agonizing; friends just sort of drift off.
lol it had always been complicated because like you've said, it's still a "relationship" just like our relationships w/ our family members, etc. people fall in/out of love for one another. it happens. i have friends that i rarely keep in touch with because of our busy schedules, but when we do meet up or hang out, we pick up from where we left off. it's crazy how compatible we are.
but then there are some people that come into our lives for a short period of time and then they leave. i had this one girl that was my "friend" for a while because she liked one of my guy friends. they hooked up and uhm yea they both kind of disappeared from my life for a while. and then when things didnt work out between them, things went back to "normal". the girl now has a new bf and i dont talk to her anymore and im friends w/ the guy again. *shrug*
try not to take it personally, people get caught up with other things and start taking things for granted. in this case, friendship.
You don't break up with a friend. You just become unavailable more often and soon the friendship will die on its own.
i think you should just tell your friend how you feel..if they are offended, or dont want to listen to how you feel, let it go
last saturday?
I know how it feels to have a best friend but not know who they are anymore. One of my oldest and closest friends moved across the country and when she visits, I feel awkward around her. Its like I don't really know her anymore. Anything we'd talk about is stuff from the past; remising about grade school. I've seen her less in the last four years than I ever did in a week when we went to the same school. But people change. I still send her a weekly email, asking about her life and I still consider her my very best friend for possibly the rest of my life. I refuse to let 13 years of friendship just fizzel out and I don't think anyone should. If you can somewhat stay in touch, then friendships cannot ever really end.
i know how it feels to be on both sides, right now, i feel like my two best friends are trying to "break up" with me. i think you should talk to your friend about you feel, it will hurt A LOT less than being shady and lying to them. things will move on and work out the way theyre supposed to
I agree, friends just tend to drift away from each other, as opposed to a set, agonizing break. It's almost worse than the break, though, if you think about it.
you never had any obligation to them anyway (unlike family or lover) so there's no need to break up formally. i usually just stop talking to them and the friendship dies.
I've had to break up with a friend. We were close at one time, until I realized that I was more of a friend to her than she was to me. It's a really long story, but I thought long and hard about our friendship. I realized I couldn't take it anymore, and I just stopped picking up her phone calls and never called her anymore. She had a hard time getting it at first and I felt bad as well, but she wasn't the type of friend that I deserved (again, long story). We no longer talk.
I don't regret losing our friendship, I only regret the way I handled it. I should have been more upfront and honest about it to her.
Yea, you don't need to make an "official" break-up. That would be kinda weird to be confronted with that don't you think? If you're really eager, just do what you mentioned and be a jerk (saying you're busy, forgetting to call back, etc). They'll get the point soon enough
horrible idea to get with a friend, because what you and your friend had will change forever.
Being friend dumped is the worst! Although it usually only happens with guys who are interested in me and I'm not interested in them, so they say we can't be friends anymore. But most of the time you don't need to do anything official, you will probably just naturally drift apart.
This is going to sound like I'm a horrible person, but I cut a friend out of life by simply doing that... just stopped talking to her.. and I realized she was a fake friend and a bitch. I cut all communication ties- deleted her off of AIM, facebook, email, xanga, and my cell phone. I think she noticed but hasn't talked to me since. If she was a TRUE friend you'd think she would've tried to get in touch with me, ask me why I wasn't talking to her- but she didn't. It shows people's true colors. I just didn't want to be her friend anymore. It sounds mean, but cutting them off may be the best way to do it.
Plus, that happened to all my old high school friends- we just grew apart, and it felt awkward and like I didn't have anything in common with them anymore.
Yeah, my friendships usually drift off even more so now since I'm in college and we're all busy.
It takes so much effort to simply keep the friendships I have now going...
If its a "relationship" to you, I would suggest confronting them first before you take any further steps to follow through with a friendship. Friendships usually do drift away when you stop speaking to each other but if you want to make it all formal....I'd suggest telling them the honest truth. At least they can try to fix themselves before having another BFF. I honestly think to fix is better than leaving them to hang...=/
omgosh, i'm going through this right now. i thought it was weird to call it that, but thats exactly what i was thinking. this one guy who has been my closest friend since freshman year of college(i'm a junior now) totally shafted me super hardcore, and i thought we talk it over were over it, but it came back a second time, and i can't fuckin' stand it anymore. but he thinks we're still cool. but the truth is, i can't fuckin' stand him. i hate everything about him. his humor, his laughter, even down to his smell. its pretty terrible, and i must admit i have anger issues, but this is ridiculous. so now i just give him a cold shoulder, always using the excuse that i'm tired. but i don't know... i should probably confront him about it... but i don't want to.
drifting apart always hurts, going through it right now, with someone that i dated, and really liked,
we were really really close friends first, and at first we were both able to be just friends again after, but i dont know what happened
i guess her problems were too much, and she wont let me help, doesnt even want me to try, and i honestly still havent gotten over her,
and now she is pretty much done with me.
so yeah, there's my pathetic sob storry...
Usually, I just let it go and just it drift. Especially if they're not putting in their part to hang out. Sometimes you find being close again, other times you only say hi when you bump into them in the supermarket.
I'm not sure how to do that. One friend pushed me out of his life, and then he lived to regret it. But I haven't resumed anything with him. Tough shit. (He has apologized, etc but that isn't the issue, he just creates too much drama out of nothingness.)
One of my other friends, I've been trying to 'get rid' of but it's not that easy. She is still a human being with emotions! We're two very different people, and she's a bit too narrow-minded and judgmental. She has this idea that we're the best of friends, when in reality I kind of only tolerate her at best.
All of my friendships have just naturally met the ends of their runs. We stopped talking to each other, and that was the end. Except this one, but I told him to never talk to me again because he was a jerk. Well, no, two guys.
sooooo going through this right now with a super clingy friend...
i think nothing needs to be said though...people's paths diverge naturally, some people just can't accept that tho
I agree with you. I'm definitely going to check back to hear what people have to say 'cause I know I've changed a lot since starting [& finishing] college & I've found it difficult to maintain certain relationships with people, especially when they don't really seem to change/are too fixated on the past...
I used to just burn bridges completely but I think I can't do that with some friendships at this point....
Last 'friend' I broke up with was over a year ago. I had wanted to do it for years but since we knew each other for 10 years though college.
Eventually we had a fight on IM about her stuck up attitude and superiority complex. I logged off. I never talked to her again. I'm not sorry for what I said and figured since I wasn't sorry, I haven't nothing to say to her. She felt the same way. I'm really glad I ended that friendship. The only thing I miss is talking about her. And she doesn't deserve a friend who doesn't like her.
If your conversations are awkward and full of silence, your friend probably isn't clamoring to hang out with you either. So in that case, you just let the relationship go its separate ways, and maybe hang out with your old friend every 6 months or so "for old time's sake."
But if you want to end the relationship and she doesn't, that's definitely trickier. I would try with being busy when she wants to hang out and just try to avoid spending time with her. If she calls you on it, tell her you think that you've both just changed.
well throughout my 4 years of college i would say i've lost 2 good friends, a guy friend and a gay guy friend. the guy friend...well i got fed up with all his lies and when he accused [questioned] me if i ever read his fb mail box, i guess that did it. i've lost it. i got mad and stopped talking to him. i ignored his ims. i told him i was mad at him. and kept ignoring him. he told me to grow up and that's about it for our friendship.
the gay guy, he's being bossy. he stepped out of bounds with our friendship. he thought that because we're friends i should side with him eve though he's wrong. he lend me one of his book and the next thing i know i got a text from him saying he wanted his book back. when i replied that he'll get it back it escalated to more arguments from him and i just kept my fingers from doing any typin as to not escalate the argument more. he said im giving him an attitude once again.i just didnt know how he got an attitude from a text message when all i type was "you'll have it back"