Tuesday, 28 October 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Will My Friends Perceive Me Differently Post-Hookup?
I regularly read your blog; I guess there's some nostalgia in me that wants a boyfriend but doesn't as well. I am an extremely busy person and don't know what I want enough to have a boyfriend, which is why I have remained single all my life. My friends are always asking me when I'll get a boyfriend. They always tell me everything when they have boys, but they are also ones that think one shouldn't have sex until the relationship gets to a certain point. I've changed since getting to college; I'm more now the one who accepts things as they happen.
So two nights ago I had an encounter with a friend of mine. We both wanted it. Yada yada yada, we basically had sex (no penetration but we both were satisfied by the end through other means; no need for the details). I may actually see him again for another encounter, in fact. I don't think we'll be anything more than a casual fling, which we're both fine with; we're both at the point where we don't want to commit just yet. All of yesterday, though, I felt horrible, not because of the encounter, but because of how my friends would view me differently. Should I tell my friends back home about my encounter? I just don't know what to do because I feel like I have an obligation to tell them, yet I'm scared of how they'll see me after this.
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Comments (27)
its not gonna hurt them if they didnt know about it. you're not doing anything wrong as long as you're responsible for your own actions. they're not your mom and even if they were, again... you are in control and you are responsible for your own actions. just have fun but be careful :o)
Your friends will probably see you differently. In fact, I would be surprised if they didn't. They may see you negatively, or they may just see you as a person seeking different things from the opposite sex than a relationship.
You don't HAVE to tell them, your "sex" life is, in fact, your business and practically no one else's. If you're afraid of the backlash now, then maybe you want to tell them at a later date when you've adapted to this new lifestyle and don't need to validate yourself based on your friends' perceptions.
If you came away from the encounter satisfied or otherwise happy, not guilty about the interaction itself, then you have every reason to do what you want. If your friends are that important and you still feel obligated, then tell them just that.
Who cares what they think? If you're happy and he's cool with it, tell whoever you want.
At the same time, if you want to keep it private that's fine too. No one can tell you what's right or wrong.
your sex life is nobody else's business.
You have two choices...you can brag about your encounter and risk getting judged, or you can keep it to yourself with the downside that your friends won't know you're desired by someone.
Tough choices.
if you think your friends are that judgmental then i suggest for you to find other friends. who knows maybe they will surprise you with their reaction. regardless, what you do in your own time is no ones business but yours and your partner. you don't owe your friends an explanation or details. you're not obligated to tell them your [s]excapades or lack there of.
@XXVl@xanga - @psyche11@xanga - Pretty much what I was gonna say. It is your business so you're not obligated to tell your friends.
I don't see why you shouldn't share. I'm sure your friends would love to hear about your adventures with the "new boy."No obligation whatsoever, but people really like hearing about their single friends hooking up yknow?
what you do in the bedroom is no one's business but yours.
you have no obligations to tell your friend anything if you do not feel comfortable with it. You shouldn't feel bad about doing something you are fine with, if they are your friends they will understand.
The exact same thing happened to me. Other than my roommate for that semester knew about it, and fo course, then everyone eventually did. They didn't judge me, but they did tease me. The teasing was much more bearable than judgement, thank goodness! =)
Tell them or don't, it's your call! Doesn't sound like there's anyone to spill the beans on you, so you don't really need to worry.
You're under no obligation to tell them. And so what if they perceive you differently? People grow up and change. That's how the cookie crumbles. If they are negative about it and don't respect your decisions, then you're obligated to yourself to find some new friends.
I agree, you don't have to tell them. They aren't your mother. I mean even if they were your mother, what you do is your own business.
If your friends view you differently because you went out and did something that is making you happy, they aren't really your friends.
If you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to tell them anything despite the fact that they tell you everything. They may be more comfortable being open about their exploits. Every person is different - it takes all kinds to make the world go round.
If they are truly your friends, they will show unconditional love for you no matter what. The least you can do is just let them know. If they judge you, oh well. You really don't need to worry about what they think if it's negative, although don't fully flush it out. However, if you are fine with what you are doing, by all means, it will be alright.
No need to tell them if you don't want to. It can just be your secret. But if they might find out via another way (like if he lets it slip), you might want to tell them to avoid that awkwardness.
Why are you telling your friends about it if is casual anyway?
it's really none of their business, specifically if they're going to judge you about it.
i had a spout of a casual relationship with a guy during college as well, but really, it wasn't my any of my friends' businesses for them to know. they all knew he was a friend of mine, though.
Telling them about it will force them to perceive you differently. By telling them you are saying, "hey guys guess what...," if it comes up in conversation about random hookups or whatever might as well come clean, but if its not a big deal, don't make it one.
what you do with your personal life is private. you don't have to tell anyone nor owe them an explanation.
Dont tell them.. College is College and you should be having fun the way you want to not based on what you think your friends will agree with. As long as you dont get preggy or an STD then there is NO harm in not telling them.
Don't say anything?
You don't have to tell your friends what you did. :\
It's your personal life. Your friends don't need to know about every single thing.
If you're close enough with your friends to where they won't judge you, and we all know people hate being judged, then tell them. If not, don't.
Peace,
Andrew
I hate to say it, but some of your friends may view you differently. I recently wound up sleeping with my best friend turned boyfriend, and I definitely got hell from some of my friends. One guy who was interested in me actually called me some really nasty things and told me I ruined his life. He refuses to talk to me now. It was pretty low.
But on the other hand, some of my friends back home really helped me through that pain of the lost friend and accepted that I was the same person- I'd just made some mistakes in their eyes. Same as everybody else in this world. They're not real friends if they don't accept you for who you are.
Good luck working through this. I hope it all turns out ok!