Monday, 27 October 2008
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Girls Making The First Move = Flirty or Virtuous?
This is a guest blog submitted by clearbluesky.My close friend Hargrees has had a crush on J, this guy in her class, for about a month. They're not close yet, but every day after school, she talks about J; she really seemed to be into him. She's mentioned that J is the first guy that she'd ever felt like going after and even imagines they'll have a future together.
Hargrees is quite shy, especially when talking about guys, but this is the first time she's opened up and talked about her crush with me after all these years of friendship. I knew she really felt strongly about J, so I encouraged her to take a chance and talk to him. Go after him, girl! But she replied, "Going after him? Wouldn't it be, like, too outgoing or flirtatious? Aren't girls supposed to wait for guys to come forward and invite us? Girls should be more virtuous..or noble..right?"
Now that puzzles me. She is so in love with J, but she didn't want to take action and go after him. But come on - are we still in third grade? Should girls still care about being virtuous and wait for guys to come around to ask them out instead of being the ones to take action?
Hargrees and I are both Canadian-born-Chinese. I wonder if the idea of "going after guys = flirtatious" is only a Chinese mentality...or does the modern world still agree with this idea? Am I just an exception?
Would you consider girls who make the first move flirtatious?
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Comments (196)
Yeah, I kinda would.
Then again, I'm all for the traditional guy-asks-girl =]
I've asked guys out. *shrug* I'd rather not miss an opportunity than come across "virtuous."
There is no problem with a girl talking to the guy & really getting to know them, but I honestly would rather have a guy ask me out.
I would say this kinda depends. im not chinese but I say the girl can ask the guy out no problem. Why not because who knows what is going on in that guys head. But on the other hand she might really want to wait and have him pursue her. For me when a guy pursues me before I like him i get bored very easily.. but eh thats me.
Hmmm, i'd say to give it some time. But it wouldn't hurt to invite the guy out to get lunch, dinner, movie, or whatever and what not.
I think asking the guy out to get to know him isn't going out of the bubble of "flirtatious" or "outgoing" look.
"it's just dinner"
oh. my. god.
Going after what you want is in no way not virtuous. To imply that flirting is the opposite of virtuous, frankly, well, it baffles me. How else are we supposed to know someone is interested? We have to send them signals somehow! If flirting is sinful then we are all going straight to hell. Jeez. To imply that is absolutely ridiculous. Gah! And why should we girls have to sit around waiting for the guy to come? (Your friend just set feminism back 70 years...) That thought actually makes me physically ill. If you like someone (or want to get anywhere in life), you need to be proactive. Just sitting and waiting for stuff to happen, well, it's not going to get you very far unless you are extraordinarily lucky.
Plus, honestly, guys are CLUELESS half the time and they really need to be shown pretty blatantly that a girl likes them. Otherwise, if you just wait and hope they'll notice you without going after him, you'll probably end up losing him to some other girl who is more forthright. Stop playing games and just go after him!
My last girlfriend asked me out. It was refreshing, because usually I'm the one to ask the question.
I made the first move on my husband. I also asked him out. He thought that was pretty cool.
I think the dichotomy is false: going after or flirting with a guy will not necessarily render a person "non-virtuous." Of course, there are ways of pursuing an interest that could be considered non-virtuous, but I don't think merely expressing interest or a little light-hearted flirting falls under that category.
I've been in both roles: I've had guys pursue me, and I've pursued guys. I'd prefer guys pursue me, if only because I'm pretty assertive in most other aspects of my life, but I'll certainly express interest in them. Sometimes that's all it takes to get the ball rolling, so to speak.
Im a CBC too, girl going after a guy is just a no no...FOR ME
Like you dont want to seem to be desperate or whatever and be all over the guy
You just have to test the water out and see how it goes
Start with simple friendly conv, see how that goes first
See whether or not hes interested in getting to know you more
and take it from there
& if he is interested and enjoy talking to you...
Maybe out for coffee?
But always have the GUY ask you out
I find it that guys tend to like that, that confidence in girls to ask the other person out. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage for that.
depends. some guys are super shy and need a shove in the right direction.
I am very traditional, and prefer the guys-asks-girl approach to anything else. However, I think girls can and should still be flirty with guys they like.
But you know, instinctively, the guy is supposed to chase. He has to FIGHT to get the girl, or he won't be as interested. So really, it's best to let the guy come to you, but to get close to him first... if you understand what I mean? Friends first, is how I think the ideal way to go would be.
But I'm not Chinese, or Asian at all. So I can't speak for that. ^^
If every woman had to ask a guy out at least once in their life they would truly know how terrifying it is for a lot of us.
girls who make the first move = virtuous.
*shrugs* Doesn't matter. What is wrong with a female going after who she wants? So long as the guy knows it...
I definitely don't think it's only a chinese thing. I will wait to see if a guy makes the 1st move. BUT, after some time if he's not made one and I feel strongly enough, I will. The few times I've done it, it has been received positively (quite). I do it the way I would want it to be done to me, kinda by surprise (but during the time when he's probably already contemplating it himself - I'd never go in cold turkey - call me chicken).
Definitely virtuous! Gender roles have changed so much that I'm surprise why we still have this notion that the guy always have to make the first move. You know how nervous some guys can get asking some girls out? Having the girl make the first move every once in a while sure can take the load of our backs.
I'll still make the first move whenever it's necessary, but if you girls want something dont be afraid to go for it! If my ex had not made the first move and told me she thought I was cute, we may never had made that initial connection that lead to a relationship.
In conclusion, yes I encourage more girls to make the first move . Make the world a happier place
I've been pursued by guys and have pursued them myself so I don't see anything wrong with a girl making a move first. This isn't high school. And if he isn't interested, then move on to the next one.
I know the guys I've pursued were actually fascinated and interested in the fact that I was pursuing them. It was a turn-on for them, in a way.
Not at all, I make a move on guys frequently. All of them say it's a refreshing change of pace and think of me as a strong, assertive and sexy woman for it.
I like it when I guy comes after me but I have no problem going after the guy. But I’m all for challenges. You can be flirty and virtuous. As long as you’re not being totally crazy about it I think it’s fine.
never flirtatious, assertive!
I think it's just one of those things that is universal and not really unique to just Chinese people. Guy pursues girl most of the time in almost all cultures... so I've heard. It just usually works out best that way.
I find it brave, and for that reason, I don't turn them down.
I generally don't want to have anything to do with a guy that doesn't have the a) nerve and b) interest level to not only ask me out, but truly get to know me first.
If he's really obviously interested in getting to know me, however, I might be the first to suggest we move our conversations from the workplace to the dinner table/coffee shop. : ) But I do tend to prefer the bolder men--the ones who know what they want and aren't afraid of doing what it takes to get it.