This is a guest blog submitted by slowlydisappearingforever.So I've been with my boyfriend now on and off for 6 and 1/2 years. This past July we've been going strong for a whole year.
Last Christmas, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Well, as part of that "yes," I thought he would get a job and help us get our own place (we live with his mom).
I've been waiting a whole year and...nothing. He won't get a job; the only thing that he's even doing to make himself look like he's doing something is taking a class at the town college. He doesn't talk about getting our own place anymore. He has a brand new car, all paid for, from his mom. He pays no bills, nothing.
Am I wasting my time here? He doesn't even talk about getting married anymore. It's like he's okay with the two of us just living under his mom's roof forever! I don't want that - I've had my own place since I was 17 years old and I'd love to have my own place again. He just doesn't seem willing to make the change.
I understand he's comfortable here, but he's 24 years old! I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
Recommend
Comments (87)
Booo to you for getting agreeing to be engaged to a guy with no job and no ambition. You definitely knew what you were getting into, if this has been him for the last 6 years.
So, you should probably re-evaluate things.
If it bothers you that much then you probably should break up with him but make it very clear that you are breaking up because he isn't taking any responsibility or trying to improve himself. If he really loves you and you are are important to him, it probably wouldn't be more than a month (two tops) before he has a job and his own place. It sounds like really needs something to be shaken up in his life and I would guess that his parents won't kick him out of the house or make him start paying rent anytime soon so you have to take the responsibility since you are the one that it bothers.
If he doesn't move out and get a job then I'd say that you have discovered that you really aren't all that important to him. I doubt you want to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't consider you important.
time to walk. why are you "settling" with someone that doesn't seem to want anything better for himself? he needs to grow the F up. sorry. it doesnt matter how long you're with someone... he's not able to provide for you. maybe you should move out first and see if he's willing to make it work by doing HIS part in this relationship.
Does he know that you are concerned about all of this? Maybe if he hears it from you he'll shape up and start being more ambitious about his future, as well as your future. If he is still acting that way after you confront him, then I would agree that you're wasting your time and that you deserve better.
Did you talk to him about these things? My fiance was living with his mom, but when I talked to him about getting a job and moving out, he started looking and we live together now, and actually he's the one with the job. I'm stuck searching again. Tell him things need to change and to move forward.
sort it out with him sweetie. he needs to hear it from you before any drastic measures take place.
24 is kinda borderline. Yea... homeboy needs to move out and learn HOW TO PAY BILLS.
I guess its okay if he's still a student. But by the time yall are married, he needs to leave the nest!
i would not waste my time with a guy like this. tell him he needs to figure his life out first and then get back to you.
Has he been like this the past six years? Has he ever had a job? Has he ever lived out from under his mom? If you answered no to all of these questions, you need to talk to him about it and show him you mean business. I have had to walk out of the house, on my husband, to show him that I wasn't going to put up with certain things. It works. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, he will do anything for you.
ENFP? Sounds like your heart took too much precedent over your head when you made the decision to say yes, or maybe he just caught you off guard. If your personality type is an ENFP, then you needed to listen to your friends about dating and getting engaged to this guy, because I am positive they all told you he was bad news. I've seen things like this happen before and its what leads to my friends getting beaten by their boyfriends and insisting that, "He's a good guy everyone has their problems".
There have been neurological studies done with women more on the feeling-sensing personality sides of the Myers-Brigg system, and whenever they are shown pictures of their husbands or their offspring, all the rational areas of their brain shut down and the emotional parts flare up like Christmas lights.
Leave him. I come from an Asian family, so there's nothing wrong living with your parents and making sure they are provided for and loved, instead of sticking them into a retirement home. But there is a problem when you're a deadbeat with no job and you refuse to move out when you get married and you need to begin thinking about starting your own family. Unless his mom would be living alone by herself. Then I'd be a bit more worried for her, but seriously, no job?
Drop him.
Yeah he needs to grow up. and if he is 24 and still living with his parent should have been a huge red flag to you. good luck with that
Ok, there are two things that make me want to yell "RUN AWAY! RIGHT NOW!" I know this is going to be harsh, but I have to say it...
One: you've been off and on. I am vehemently opposed to "off and on" and I think that you should never marry someone you were "off and on" with. Ever. Because if you were off and on once, you probably will be off and on again and that doesn't make for a healthy marriage. At the very least, wait until you've been "going strong" for more than a year. A year is nothing compared to the lifetime that marriage is supposed to last.
Two: He sounds, I'm sorry to say, like a childish loser who is never going to grow up and be a real adult. How old is he? I cannot handle guys that let their parents pay their bills, much less live under the same roof. And that kind of dependence is hard to kick. The fact that you even agreed to move in to his mom's house in the first place baffles me because you are essentially enabling it and saying that it's ok he still lives there. But he will never be able to be a good husband if he's still acting like a child.
If you really love him and want to be with him (though I'm not sure why...) talk to him about it. Maybe he'll surprise you and suddenly realize he needs to grow up.
Or maybe you should just refuse to have sex with him under his mother's roof... That will get him looking for his own place fast
Why are you still with him? Let the loser go and go get yourself a real winner. Don't settle for less. Love isn't doesn't mean anything when it comes to someone that can't even love you as much.
i'm living with my mom, but i don't have a girl. if he lives with his mom and he doesn't even have a job, where'd he got the money to buy you that 1.5 carat engagement ring...oh wait, his mom! well if you didn't like the living situation already, why did you agree to marry him. at least you're only engaged. set a realistic goal for him, and make sure he gets it done before the wedding, or else you'll be really sorry. unless he makes bank for the next five years, do expect him to save enough for a down payment for a place, especially with the loan situation right now.
personally, i don't plan on living with my future wife-to-be until we're married, so even if we were engaged, i'd still be living with my parents...old school chinese thinking i guess.
you can either stick with him and hope for the best, or ditch him and find someone more financially stable/responsible.
@Melosa@xanga - right on!
he's 24 years old... lives at home with his mom... doesn't have a job.
maybe i'm just not sentimental enough... but why say "yes" to someone who can't stand on their own?
no, really... why?
cuz if i were him... the fact that you said "yes" under these circumstances would be a clear indication that my life choices are acceptable. why would i feel the need to do more?
i don't care how sweet and wonderful he is... i would never had said "yes" to that.
I could understand if he lived with his parents during a period of financial difficulty, or if he at least had a job and it looked like there was a strong chance he'd have his own place within 6 months.
But it doesn't look like he's even trying. You would probably be better off without him, at least until he learns to be a bit more independent.
Talk to him, and tell him that if he doesn't shape up and do something for his life, you're out! He can't expect you to be happy living with his mom, and him going absolutely nowhere in life. Maybe get a place of your own, to show him that you're serious.
well i can't really say it's gonna b a successful marriage b/c a real man wouldn't ask a woman to marry him if he doesn't have $$ to support her.
thanks for the sound advice.......
nice pic btw, lol
I know you probably love him a lot so it's hard to break things off, but honestly... I would tell him he needs to shape it up or it's not gonna happen.
It seems like he's not quite grown up yet. He should WANT to move out and be on his own (or with you, but NOT with mom, too). You're right, you can't spend your entire life living with your parents. If he's not a degree-seeking student, he should be working. He has a car, there's no excuse to not have a job. I had a friend with a boyfriend like this. She loved him a lot so it took a long time for her to break up with him, but she gave him an ultimatum - get a job or we're breaking up - and he didn't get one.
If he really cares about you, he should try to be supportive. This is assuming you also work and everything, which I gathered from this post that you do, since you said you'd been supporting yourself since 17. Just like you shouldn't rely on him financially, he shouldn't rely on you or his mom either. I wouldn't marry someone like him... no matter how much I loved him. :-/ Good luck! It sounds like a tough call...
If you've spoken up a couple times about it and he still won't bother to do anything, you really are wasting your time. It seems like he can't understand that having your own lives is a priority to you. He likes having little responsibility and doesn't mind the fact that mom's always to take care of him if you aren't. Either way, if you can't agree on this, you're either gonna have to suck it up or move on out.
@cokeaddict@xanga - Agreed.
Tell this guy to get a freaking job. Ask him if he could see himself living with his mom when he's 35 or 40. If he can... welll, I wouldn't have gotten myself into your shoes... I'm a bit *too* ambitious, myself... but I would tell him to get a life, and only then will you be a part of it. Desperate times, my friend.
Best of luck.
@liquid_s@xanga - And who says he has to support her. That's just chauvanist talk. Isn't marriage supposed to be mutual? This is 2008, not 1950!!!