Monday, 27 October 2008
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I'm Too Clingy - How Can I Let Go A Little?
This is a guest blog submitted by xsumxvtxgyrlx.He loves me. I know he does, and he definitely shows it.
But I want him to treat me extra special ALL the time, and I know that there will be some situations where the girlfriend just can't come first. But it still hurts even knowing that he can't help it. I know that I'm important to him. But for some reason, when he has to briefly give his full attention to something else, I suddenly feel like he's found something better than me.
I know that I am wrong, but I can't seem to pull myself away from those thoughts. It makes me unnecessarily insecure and he has no clue I feel this way. I'm afraid to talk to him about it in case we might argue over the fact that I even doubted his love when I have no reason to.
Would you talk to your significant other about these insecurities? Do you think that it's just a phase?
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Comments (59)
I know how you feel. That's all I can say right now until I figure out how to deal with it myself.
heheha... I thought it was just me... and I THOUGHT I wasn't being clingy!! No wonder.... LOL! I can tell you what doesn't work... getting a second job, finding your own things to do, going to school and doing homework... absolutely trying to get out of his way... because it just makes you miss him even MORE and LOVE him even MORE and want to be with him even MORE!! Everything helps... but... i've concluded... it's all about compromising!
Here's a question.. what does your boyfriend consider too clingy? Maybe that's a conversation you need to have with him before you can judge if you are being overly clingy. Also, touching base with him might set some very fuzzy lines to straight. Once you know what he thinks is too clingy, you can worry about how to change your behavior so it doesn't bother him, but until then, stop worrying about it so much.
It's easy to talk about just approch your man with something like, "Hey sweetie, I feel like I've been a bit clingy to you lately, what kind of behavior do you think is too clingy?"
You shouldn't be afraid to tell your SO how you feel about things because if it breaks you up, then you guys have a bigger issue. Maybe you two can work an arrangement to not see each other for one or two days;taking a break from each other.
I used to be like that. Sometimes I start getting those clingy feelings, but I force myself to get over it. The best thing to do is to talk to him. Don't complain to him, but just talk to him about it. Acknowledge there's a problem and then resolve to overcome it. The best thing to do is to realize why you shouldn't be clingy. It's not fun to be around one person all the time. It's good to have your own time. Once you truly realize that negatives of being clingy, then I think you'll be in recovery.
totally agree. i used to be clingy like hell. the reason was because i had self esteem issues and trust problems. the best thing is really to talk to him. he will usually be honest and then you both can work on things.
nobody can give 100% to a single person ALL the time. make sure you let him breath before you strangle the relationship.
dont get angry at him if he does tell you you're clingy. appreciate his honesty and both think about what can be done. compromise.
that's what relationships are about.
i never understand this behaviour. ever.
how about... get a hobby so that you aren't thinking about him *every waking minute*.
@bmrowland@xanga - i could be wrong, but i think if you ask your bf "am i too clingy?" his instant knee-jerk reaction will be to say "no, of course you're not" for fear of saying the wrong thing. kinda like, "does this make me look fat?"
I am married, and I have always had a hard time telling how I feel. I start to get into "panic attack" mode and I have no idea why. If you can talk to him about it, do it. You shouldn't have to hide how you feel and always be open with how you feel. If you think it will continue and might go down a serious road, like marriage, then talk to him!
I still feel this way sometimes, and I've been with my husband for a little over three years! Haha. I don't know if it will ever go away with me, hehe. I met my husband while he was in the military, so I guess I just never got to get that "new relationship feel" 'cause after dating him for a few months, he was off to Iraq and when he came back, we got married!
Good luck with the talk.
The trick is to have something that momentarily distracts you from him. Have a girls' night, or something else where you wouldn't want him there. Then, you'll start learning to see yourself as an entity separate from him, which is sometimes surprisingly hard to do in a relationship.
I say talk to him about your insecurities specifically, and how you know they're unnecessary but you still feel them anyways. It might help if you do a little bit of soul searching yourself. For example, ask yourself what is it that you're afraid will actually happen? Then try to identify whether your answer is realistic or not. idk, I'm just typing what comes to my head at the moment, but hopefully you can figure out a way to lessen those irrational thoughts
Just remember the classic phrase: absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you're so available all the time, he won't stay as crazy about you as you are about him.Â
I am wondering how much dating experience you had before writing this post. I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I just recognize that I was clingy when I didn't have much experience, now I'm usually the one that asks for space.
My advice is to try doing some things on your own, strictly for yourself. (That's what I did.) I recommend trying out a new hobby--It fosters a sense of independence, self-esteem, and happiness. Your clinginess may come from an unknown insecurity that your life will be "worse" if he leaves; you have to feel comfortable being on your own before you can even begin to feel comfortable with someone else.
it's just how some of us are wired. i'm exactly like that. thankfully, my girlfriend is like you so neither of us have to worry about being too clingy or anything like that.
your friends and hobbies???
you need to identify the root causes of your insecurity. is it because of the way you were raised? past boyfriends? your incessant need for attention pretty much demands that your issues be worked out. it's not healthy.
currently there are 2 possibilities. #1 is that you have a possessive and/or insecure nature. that is something you need to work on. #2 is that he doesn't really love you...and you picked up on his signals. then that is something you both have to work out (the probability of a bad end being high).
without identifying and rectifying the root causes of your insecurity, time will have no positive effect...and i predict it will have an exacerbating effect...on your current situation and mindset. good luck with your investigation.
@cokeaddict@xanga - you seem to be fairly preoccupied by your own boy interest as well :o
@tim00@xanga - what boy interest? why do i have no idea what you're talking about? the one from a few weeks ago? i'm over that.
besides... even if i wasn't... i'm not the clingy type.
It's not those thoughts that are making you insecure. It's insecurity that is giving you those thoughts. If you really were secure in your relationship, you wouldn't have those thoughts. Sounds like you need to work on being ok alone a bit.
And another reason why you might be having those thoughts is because you're putting him as your first priority all the time, which isn't healthy. You need to have other things in your life that are worthy of being priorities, and then maybe you won't feel so hurt when you aren't his top priority on occasion.
@cokeaddict@xanga - MY GOD LOL. my apologies! i had you confused with someone else. silly icons! :P
I am definitely clingy, but what does that have to do with feeling that way? When I think of clingy, I think of always being touchy-feely all the time. I'm a military girlfriend, so I've gotten used to, kinda, not always being put first.
@tim00@xanga - no worries. i'll let it go this time... but next time, you won't have it so easy.
First of all, it's really good that you recognize you're being this way... some girls are completely oblivious. But yes, I definitely think it's something you should talk to about with him. If you're really that important to him, he will definitely take that into consideration and will try to come up with something to help you.
I definitely feel the same way with my boyfriend. I know I'm clingy and overly jealous, even when there is no need to be. I think it's natural for girls to be super emotional sometimes though, at least that's my rational :) haha.
I would talk to him about it, just to get it off my chest. I also think it's just a phase that you may eventually get over. If not, maybe you need to find some things that keep you busy as well so you don't even notice when he's not paying attention to you all the time.
i would talk to your boyfriend!
and keep in mind that everyone has a different level of "clingy"! i had 1 boyfriend who wanted to call me 18 times a day which was too clingy for me, another who wanted to talk to me maybe 1x a week which was too standoffish, and my current boyfriend texts me whenever there's something funny, which is perfect. in other words, your boyfriend may not be as bothered by your clingy-ness as you think, but if he is, then you work it out from there :)
Hrmm... I don't belive being clingy always has anything to do with being insecure... for me... I just LOVE being close... he goes where ever... does whatever... I don't care... nor do I care if I go or not... we do our seperate things... but it's when we are together... I like to cuddle and get all mushy...