Saturday, 25 October 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I'm In Love with My Best Friend
I have a peculiar problem. I'm in love with my best friend.
Now the thing is he says he is in love with a girl (they have history but they aren’t together), but at the same time, he treats me like his girlfriend too. I mean he's giving me mixed signals, he doesn't say anything officially but he acts like he is dating me.
Everyone around us seems to think that we are going out, or that he is leading me on. But officially he had once told me that he just saw me as a friend. I'm really confused about the whole thing. Please help me.Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!
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Comments (70)
You are not his girlfriend if he says he sees you as a friend and has not officially made you his girlfriend.
All that stuff about "he says he's in love with [another] girl" is probably not meaningless.
Keep your distance from him.. he's trouble. The guy doesn't know what he wants & so he's going to string you along until he does. Don't let him have that option. Until he can make his decision, he doesn't deserve you... even as a friend. If you continue to remain his friend, you'll only be fooling yourself & end up more hurt than before. So completely rip off the bandaid now rather than rip it off slowly. You deserve better than a maybe-I-do-not-know sort of guy.
well, if he's in love w/ another girl, i think you have to respect that. however, you don't deserve to be receiving mixed signals, so I think you should try to avoid the situations in which you might be put into awkward situations. if you really love him though, you gotta do something about it, babe.
best wishes.
One of my very good friends was going through something like this. He basically saw her as a back up plan if it didn't work out with the girl he was currently crushing on. I wouldn't count on anything happening between you two. You deserve more than second place.
This guy is trouble!!! I was in this situation, with a guy that said he loved ME but couldn't see us in a relationship together....Seven years later, he's still NOT with me at all, and most definitely still on the "but I love you..." path.
Not worth the trouble, sorry to tell you....
Move on! Tell him it's NOT OK how he's acting and it's not OK to be giving you mixed signals. You're either friends, or nothing at this point...he can't have his cake and eat it, too! It would be best to distance yourself from this guy...as much as you care for him.
You should establish with him that the relationship you have with him is just friendship. If he continues to give you mixed signals, you should ask him straight out. Tell him you don't appreciate him saying one thing and then doing another.
I'm dating my best friend, and it's the best decision I've ever made!
If this is a good thing, he's smart, and he's not emotionally blind, he'll eventually realize that you're more than likely the best thing for him.
I never really realized how much I really loved her until I stopped to think about the way my relationship with her worked. After I saw how protective I was, how much I enjoyed seeing her every day, and after I recognized that feeling I got every time I looked in her eyes as love instead of 'my stomach is riding space mountain', I was able to see that she loved me, too.
The time prior to my epiphany had been filled with me thinking I knew it all about my own feelings. I was most definitely wrong, and I could not be happier about it.
My girl was in the same spot you were. She can definitely provide more insight than I can and will most likely post sometime later today!
lol yoooo
i'ma be honest. it's most liely b/c you AREN'T dating him that he's treating you that way.I have a great friend that gets special attention from me, b/c she's always there for me, and she never brings me any drama. i've known her for a long time now, and i treat her specially b/c i feel she deserves it.
I don't kiss her or anything like that, but i'm very protective of her, and she's very dear to me. has nothing to do with my relationship, but i do realize to some ppl that they think we're either dating, or close. and to us, we are close. but i don't see the problem with that.
i'm not here to tell you what to do with your feelings. but i'd ask you what you think motivated you to feel such a way for someone you consider a friend.
Yeah, he's definitely leading you on, so keep your distance. No sugarcoating on this one.
....Speaking from experience [[ie I dated my best friend and I still kinda like him >_>]]
It's better to just flat out ask him because he might surprise you. For example, my best friend and I always just kinda flirted heavily and etc but we always agreed that we'd never date each other....See how that worked out. XD
So just ask him, be like, "So I was wondering if you'd ever consider me as more than a friend? I kinda wanted to keep my boy inventory up to date" or something like that. XD
I dated someone, then we mutually and peacefully broke up, and we were still kind of together after the split and now we're just best friends, but now he says he sees me as the girl he will most likely marry, and I'm a sucker for him, so I'll probably wait around for him, even though he's dating someone now who he doesn't even like that much.
So yeah, it's weird. You're not the only one.
Just decide whether it's worth telling him how you feel...
I was in this exact same situation awhile ago. You NEED to ask him if it's you or her. If he chooses her, then he needs to stop treating you like a girlfriend, but hopefully he'll choose you!
Like, I said, I was in this exact same situation and it can crash and burn. My friends thought we were going out but if he hasn't made up his mind now that just leaves him room to change his mind for another girl and it really, really hurts.That's what happened to me and I am no longer friends with my once best friend/love.
If he told you straight up that you were just his friend, then leave it at that. But if you are still confused and need some clarification, ask him.
First of all, I don't think you should allow him to treat you as his girlfriend if he doesn't want to have anything to do with that. He might be giving you mixed signals, but to some extent, you're allowing him to do what he wants. So if you're really so unsure about it, talk to him and let him know that he needs to make things clear. He can't say one thing, but his actions show otherwise. Don't let things escalate further.
i've been in the same situation, just couple of months ago. it was so terrible. i have a friend, he was like my best friend and my college crush. we went out, he'd give me stuff and we talked almost everyday then one day, he told me he like this girl he met. i was so hurt! but he helped me realize that our friendship is more important. he understood what i felt. he was the most gentleman, never took advantage of my feelings for him.:) i think you guys need to have a conversation about where you stand with each other. if he really sees you as friend, just accept it, don't let your feelings ruin your friendship with him. :))
How do you know you're inlove with him? maybe you think you love him because you can't have him. you know, "I am inlove with the unknown." If I was you, I would talk to him about my feelings. Good Luck!
you're not his girlfriend. end of story.
if you can't wrap your head around that, then just spend less time with him.
he's using you as a stand-in... and you deserve better than that.
The only way to clear this is up is by talking to him about it, and if he doesn't want to have something with you, but is still leading you on, that's not a very nice friend is it?
Since he said that you're just his friend then meaning, he want nothing more than just being a friend. Maybe you misinterpret his actions, I think he treats you as a very very good friend causing to think that he likes you.
don't worry about him. I was in that situation last year and it only brought me heartache. Move on from him and go on dates with other guys; he's your best friend so of course you are going to love him. That's the way it works... but if you two are supposed to be together it will find away to work out and if not you'll find someone better.
But! You're not going to find someone better if you spend all your time worrying about him. By moving on one or both of 2 things will happen. 1) He'll realize how stupid he was not to commit to you (like in Made of Honor... *sigh*) or B) You'll realize what a punk he is and find some guy much better....
The best part is when both happen :D
dtr, determining the relationship. put all the stuff on the table is the best solution!
No problem.
Guys (and correct me if I'm wrong, guys... are deceptively simple. They want what they say they want. That is all. Any attempt by them to mask their motives are extraordinarily transparent. ("It's not you, it's me" anyone?)
If he says you're only his friend, you are only his friend. Don't think he's being female about it, he is not.
Either
1) Tell him how you are feeling and see if he returns it. If he doesn't you have to be ok with still being friends. Though ultimately he might feel weird about hanging out with you, and leading you on. But you have to decide if its worth it to try and to be honest with him about it and let him know. Cause after all how awesome would it be if your gf/bf was your best friend? But it is a risk.
2) Don't tell him, and just work on getting over him. Go on dates, and find an interest in another guy. Or if you can just get over him.
Those are really the options.
sounds like he's thinking of keeping you around in case things go sour with his first preference. i say don't let him walk all over you. get interested in other guys. if he gets jealous, then too bad, he should have made a move when he had the chance.
yep agreed. you're the back up. and yes, he can be your 'best friend' and still mess around like that.
I'd say, relax, withdraw a little bit and do your thing, put some distance between you two, and see some other people.
good luck hon x