Miss Penguin I've always found it hard to tell when the dating ends and the
relationship begins - meaning when does dating become exclusive and how
do you know? Usually, I resolve this by just having a talk. The guy
asks me to be his girlfriend or I'll get fed up with not knowing where
we stand and just ask straight up. But this is a precarious
conversation and can result in a relationships end before it even
(officially) begins.
If the other person doesn't want to make it
official and "put a label" on it (that's an entry for another day) then
this conversation is usually the point where two people stop seeing
each other. But I guess that's good because if two people want
different things out of a relationship, then it's not going to work out
anyway. Communication is key to making relationships work, so why not
start out the relationship with some good communication to establish
things? I think it's a very important conversation to have because if
one person thinks they are exclusive but the other doesn't, one person
is going to get very hurt. But it can be an awkward thing to bring up.
How do you just bring it up?
Today the guy I've been seeing for
a while called me his girlfriend but I don't know if that means we're
officially together now or not. First off, he said it when he was
joking around ("my klepto girlfriend gave it to me") so I'm not sure if
that's actually my title in seriousness or not. But he did say it
without any hesitation and he didn't seem to think anything of it
after. We haven't talked about it at all.
We've just been hanging out a
lot when he's in town (and he's been out of town about half the time
for the last three months). And neither of us has our relationship
status explicitly listed on Facebook, so it's not like it's come up that way either. I'm
not seeing anyone else and I don't think he's seeing anyone, either, so to
some extent I'm, like, "do we even need to have the conversation?" I
do think it's important to establish clearly what our relationship is, though,
so that we both know and one of us doesn't get hurt by unknowingly
having different expectations. But I'm not sure how to bring it up and
I'm wondering if he won't see it as a little immature (he's older than
I am and that's occasionally a problem).
Do you think it's important to have the "making it official" conversation? How do you usually go about it?
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Comments (41)
Many people nowadays rely on the "If it's on Facebook, it's official" status. Hahahaha.
BEFORE there was myspace and facebook (no offense laytexduckie) people had these things called conversations :)
It's definitely important to have them because you have two people who are thinking in two totally different directions, and it can get pretty complicated. The way a guy usually goes about it is just asking me, and he usually knows when to ask.
its offical  when its on facebook. haha
I think it is important to have that conversation to know where you stand, but don't expect everyone to have the balls to say it straight up.
It's important to get it official.
For me, it was always the girl that asked--some examples:
"So, are we officially boyfriend/girlfriend?"
"If you don't be my boyfriend, I'm gonna sleep with Chuck."
"Read this 'going steady' contract and sign at the bottom."
You said you typically have "the conversation" with the guy, and that's probably the best route. Chances are, though, that if he called you his girlfriend, than that's what you are to him.
@laytexduckie@xanga - That's totally what I was going to say!
you he wouldn't refer to you as his gf if you werent. even if it was said in joke. the fact that he said it in a joke probably made it easier, and more appropriate time so that no one dwelled on it. i think that both of you are probably waiting for the other one to change their facebook status but neither of you want to be the first one to do it.
@moritheil@xanga - OMG, samesies! Hahahaha. Oh dear, why did I say that . . . . *frowny face*
@miss_thiq@xanga - Hahahaha, yeah. That was how me and my ex-girlfriend ended up together. She just asked me and I said, "Sure." Hahahah. And then 3 years later, well, you get the story. Hahahaha.
for my 2 relationships, neither of them went through a phase of dating then relationship, it really was just finding out they liked me, and asking them out, and by, "Asking them out," that was officially making the title.
Even with facebook, there are conversations. I think it's silly [& a bit sad] that we rely on networking sites like facebook & myspace to determine our relationship status.. Even with my current boyfriend, we had a thing my big likes to call a "dtr" [define the relationship talk]. That sort of conversation is pretty straightforward.. "so what are we?"
The conversation is pretty important for the reasons you had mentioned. You both want to know where this relationship is headed & the terms of the relationship. That prevents one party from being led on & hurt. I don't think there is any easy way to bring it up but rather an issue of how much it bothers you to leave it unknown. If you don't feel comfortable guessing what you two are, I'd suggest you bring it up. If he ends up thinking differently [as in wanting something else], then it'll probably not work out like you had said. Good luck though~ It's pretty terrifying to gather the courage to bring up this discussion!
I think it is important to establish the relationship, whether it's casual dating or an exclusive relationship. There's too much of a conflict of interest if you just let things go and not establish it. It's important to know where you stand so you know how to act accordingly.
I generally just refer to him as, "Whatever he is." I suck at communication though, seriously, and I've never really HAD to have the "talk." In any case, I think that would make you his girlfriend in his mind.
As for me... First it was friends. Then confessions. Then my response. Then go out.
Well, the establishment was really that question he asked me, "will you be my girlfriend?" At the moment in time, I said "yes" I guess this is how you get started?
i would think that him referring to you as such means it's official in his mind, but you can't really assume that. talk to him. if you can't communicate with him about what you are to him, it's a bad sign for the future. communication is key.
you don't have to pose it as an ultimatum or even a serious question, like "we need to talk." maybe just give him some girly eyes or something and say, casually, "so, i'm your girlfriend now?" and see how he responds. or, refer to him in casual conversations where he's present as your "boyfriend" and see how he reacts to that. communication doesn't have to be all grave and serious.
Never have Facebook make things official for you. I think you should have the conversation. It's always best to talk it out and figure out where your relationship is standing. Even if it isn't exclusive now, it's still good to know where you two are.
you should definitely try to be as direct and clear as possible with your inquiry. I had a girl asked me if I believe in dating more than one person at a time and i said no, so she took it that we were already bf & gf while I was still thinking we were just dating...
depends on the couple. but i dont see the problem with having some grey areas in life.
I hate that FaceBook feature, which is probably why I hid it for so long.
If you want to say it, then say it. Ask/talk about it.
If, however, he is as old as it sounds--I'm leaning on "leave it alone" don't ask him. Play is as it is.
i'm in a similar situation. for quite a while now. but for some reason... cant bring myself to having the talk with him. everyone thinks we're together... but to me... i still cant guarantee. i don't like this grey area in a relationship but it is so awkward bringing it up
Yep, my sister's boyfriend (who is now her husband) first called them "chill pals" when they first started dating. She was like, 'Chill pals?' But he has his own little language and meant well...
~~Mary~~
Communication and conversation, straight forward, best way to figure it out together. Are we just dating, are we still at the point where we would date other people, or are we boyfriend and girlfriend exclusively dating eachother? How do you feel about it?
I do think it's important to make it official. Having a honest, candid conversation about it is probably the best way to go. I was in your position once. After we had a talk about it, we decided to break it off because I wanted more, and he did not. I can't say that it wasn't for the better
maybe you could use his joking around to bring it up...
"sorry, i know this might be awkward, but when you called me your girlfriend early today, were you serious? is that how you view us?"
or something to that extent... i think it's important to make it official, though, especially if you feel it's time!
it's possible that he either doesn't realize he has to make it official, or that he's just nervous of what you might say if he does ask. :)