Thursday, 23 October 2008
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The Romance of Arranged Marriages
Mr. GiraffeMy parents both came from India (my mom was three; my dad was twenty-seven) and so my sisters and I grew up really learned about Indian culture. We speak Hindi, we watch Hindi cinema, we go to India once every two years (my dad's family is for the most part still there). And whenever I told my friends from high school about Indian stuff, they always ask me about one thing: arranged marriages.
Growing up, I always hated the idea. In Indian movies, love marriages are always the ideal and usually the man to whom the heroine is originally betrothed is not right for her. My sisters and I (as well as our many cousins) have always been opposed to it.
But then I realized: my parents had an arranged marriage. So did almost all of my aunts and uncles. And they're all living happily married to each other. Sure, my parents' marriage isn't perfect but no marriage I know is. Also, there's something romantic about learning to love someone, like discovering parts of their personality that please you or habits they have that are absolutely adorable. After thirty-two years of marriage, my parents still love each other very much but they had to learn the way to get there. Of course, some arranged marriages go horribly wrong but so do some love marriages.
Do I want an arranged marriage? No, I don't think I do but that's because of some other reasons. I have no opposition to the idea? What do you think? Is learning to love someone after marriage romantic? Is that something you could do?
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Comments (61)
it's not romantic, it's fortunate. most people (with arranged marriages) (back in the day) had their marriages arranged, and that was all political, or just the fact they wanted the families united for whatever reason. if you need to get married because you HAVE to, then hopefully you'll love your spouse...
NO!
People already have a hard time remianing in love when married.
I think discovery should be before and not after marriage.However, each to his own.You can be married to someone for 20 years and still not know them.
One thing that's hard to mess with are cultural traditions and customs.
I believe that you should be able to freely decide your love life. I wouldn't want an arranged marriage.
I learned a lot about arranged marriage in sociology class, and apparently in India where it's expected people see love differently. Just speaking generally, but for them love can grow after marriage and it works for some people. Of course, that's complete opposite of how we see things in other cultures like the US.
So yea, I don't think arranged marriages are inherently good or bad, or inherently romantic or not. It's how you personally make of it
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - i agree.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - agreed!
i personally couldn't do one, because i can't imagine marrying and being intimate with someone i barely know. but then again, i grew up in a culture where we're taught that love marriage is more or less the "right" way.
WHOA, YOUR MOM WAS 3 ?! Is this a typo or for real ?
I don't think learning to love someone after marriage is romantic, per se. I see it more as getting comfortable with them. IF romantic feelings do blossom, then that arranged marriage is VERY lucky. I myself would not agree to an arranged marriage, but then again, I've no pressure to do so. The closest pressure we have in our family is to marry family from overseas so that they have the opportunity to come to the U.S. and better their lives. Even then, I have no obligation, but it's my kind heart that feels torn. :/
I think even for marriages that are not arranged you have to fall in love with your spouse over and over again after you are married in order for it to last. I do think it would be difficult to marry someone and be intimate with them if you did not have the experience of dating and getting to know them first.
I wouldn't want an arranged marriage but looking at my maternal grandparents, I have to give them a lot of credit. Their marriage was an arranged marriage but looking at them now, they're so adorable. They walk hand-in-hand down the street & he's always looking out for her & she's always making sure he takes his med & has his favorite foods. It's not easy to learn to love in an arranged marriage but it's not for me...
@MaganLe@xanga - haha i don't think she meant they married when her mum was 3 and her dad 27 :D i think they came to the US (or wherever she is) at that age :D i may be wrong but haha, that's how i took it
It really matters more that people want to make a marriage work than it matters whether or not they knew each other beforehand. People who are part of arranged marriages are more likely to think about making it work, rather than trying to see the bad in it.
@MaganLe@xanga - oh no my mom 18 when she married but she came to the US when she was 3...guess i should have been clearer
What is romance? Really? Does it even exist, or is it just a fictionalized, modernized ideal from fantastical poems in the middle ages?
I don't think there's anything wrong with an arranged marriage. However, in the U.S. it's probably not always practical. In the countries where arranged marriages typically take place, the family dynamic is often different. Families are often closer to one another and spend more time together than the typical American family today. That type of dynamic bodes very well for arranged marriages.
Furthermore, the divorce rate in the U.S. is close to 50%. Who says that people can choose their own spouses effectively?
I would do it.
Psychologists have found that people tend to be happier with choices that are made for them than with choices they made for themselves.
Also, in most countries the match is made by the mothers of the bride and groom. If your mother doesn't have your best interests at heart, no one does.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I only know that it works for some people and horrible results for others.
I personally do not want to have an arranged marriage, and this is in light of our current society, and what I've been to exposed to already...so it seems a bit archaic to have one. But I totally understand it's commonplace for other societies...It's all subjective.
it's only good if both parties are not independent and are willing to compromise a lot. if you put two hot-headed people together, it'll just be a living hell...but then again part of being arranged is that the two people being set up are suppose to be compatible...so who knows.
I think it can be romantic to learn to love someone, and I don't think arranged marriage a bad tradition for a society that has practiced it thousands of years (it wouldn't work to introduce it to a society that doesn't practice it, though) In short, I don't think it's a good idea or a bad idea, it's just a different way of doing things
I also think it's romantic knowing your partner chose to be with you, that he/she could have asked anyone else to be with them, but you were the one chosen. If that doesn't make a person feel special, little would. (at least if you share the person's feelings. Otherwise, it's just stalker-ish)
I also don't trust my parents to pick a husband for me, even though one person my mom suggested might actually work out.
with a diversifying definition of marriage and what it means to be married, i hardly think it matters whether or not a marriage is arranged or not. i am not oppossed to arranged marriages. i think that arranged marriages could be quite romantic too. of course...hopefully you'll be arranged to marry into a very nice, friendly family. i know of horror stories of my grandparents generation where the families they married (because of being arranged) into had very mean mother-in laws and were treated as dirt. but still.....the only reason why it may seem that arranged marriages are more frowned upon is because arranged marriages is NOT a western ideal, and as such, it is less valued.
I'm not quite sure about the romantic aspect of it, but I think arranged marriages for diplomatic/tribal/whatever reasons are great! I'm sure most our parents wished they could've gotten shit from us being with our significant others.
I'm reading this book right now called Madras In the Rain about a girl who's arranged to be married and it makes the whole thing sound quite romantic. I definitely think you can learn to love someone after your married and I'm kind of starting to think maybe arranged marriage is a good idea. People don't seem to think you have to work at relationships anymore, that you just love someone or you don't and you don't have to compromise at all. But that's a rant for another day. I guess I'm glad I don't have an arranged marriage though, mainly because I don't want to get married yet and I do not trust my mother to pick my spouse.
I think you meant '23' not '3'
Honestly, I dont think I can learn to love someone after I marry them only because I'm stubborn.....BUT, I think it's possible to love someone MORE after you marry them.
i think it's a nice idea. it wouldn't work here in america. if you had someone you trusted with your future and who you knew was wise i think there a good idea. i also think a good side to arranged marriages is the fact you have to learn to love each other. that in turn helps to lead to more respect for each other and less of a relationship based on passion adn emotions which come and go.
I dont think I could last in an arranged marriage. My parents idea of what was right for me differed before I met my hubby. Even when I started dating him, they didnt think he was the right type of guy. About 6 months into it they finally realized what a great person he was and how well we meshed. I also would want to have discovered him before marriage, in case we were two totally different people with nothing in common and instead of developing love, developing a hate towards the other person.