Dr. Datingish
My ex and I have been together for two and a half years. About a week and a half ago, she told me that she needed to be alone
for a while, that she needs to focus on studies and that she is too
"young" for her not to enjoy her life.
Now, a day before this happened,
everything was normal; she was saying "I love you" and "I miss you," all
the great stuff, and now she wants to be alone. And she doesn't want to
talk right now about why we broke up.
I guess what I'm saying is that I
love her and I don't need her in my life - I WANT her in my life! We
spoke about marriage, kids, the works...and she looked so happy when we
did. Now she just wants to be friends and I'm just a little confused.
So should I continue being friends with her, avoid bringing up
anything up about our relationship and let time take its course, or
should I just move on for now?
I am 22 and she is 20; I know it's a bit young to talk about
marriage and everything else, but I get that feeling in my heart when
ever I see her or talk to her that makes her the one, my one.
Anyways, appreciate any help. Thanks.
Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!
Recommend
Comments (58)
Is she your first? Were you her first? She may be afraid of winding up married to the first person she ever dated seriously.
This is a baseless guess, but you might also consider the possibility that she suddenly stopped "feeling" she loves you - and there's no accounting for that except in biochemical terms. Sometimes the brain just stops giving the same feelings. How people deal with that determines who they are - and that might be what she's trying to figure out.
All the same, first or not, it definitely sucks to have someone talk about long-term commitment and then do an about-face, and I sympathize with you.
Being Together and not talk about relationship?
Do you think you are able to take it?
I don't think so,as you will be even more depressed and heartbroken.
I been through that before and the feeling is not good at all.
There is a lot of reasons why she acted that way,I don't think the reason she gave you is the truth.
Try moving on without her.
Something put her in a place that is really different from where you are with regards to the relationship.
From her "reasons" for breaking up though, they really sound like excuses meant to spare your feelings.
Continuing to be friends with her is probably not going to change that. You're better off setting up some distance between you two. Things probably aren't going to get together again, but maybe she'll come to realize what she's been missing. Just leave the door open and keep in touch with her once in a while.
I think a lot of girls feel that good euphoric-like feeling when a guy shows how much he loves her. And then reality hits. She's real young still. It might have excited her at the moment, but then afterward she is realizing how far you or you both seem to be taking this relationship already. She might want to have a little more fun before getting settled down.
You've GOT to be kidding me. Grow some balls, dude.
Urgh, something like that happened with me. Honestly, it gonna be hard to be friends with her when she says she needs to be alone and with you still clearly in love with her. Without know much about her side of the story I can't say much, but I would recommend that you should move on for now. If you two are really meant for one another she'll come back to you.
Hey, maybe w/ this time alone you may discover some things about yourself that you didn't know before. Like you, I felt like this one girl was perfect for me and I wanted her in my life in a similar way as you do. Looking back, I realize now that I wasn't quite as in love as I thought I was back then. I don't know, it's just something to think about. Wish you luck.
I've known people as young as 15 or sooner talking about getting married to their boyfriend or girlfriend and seeming happy about it... but people think, and they change. If you think you could handle being her friend without talking about the relationship, you should. If you can't, leave your door open but don't stand there holding it for her.
@eclipse_the_dawn@xanga - there's nothing wrong with being in love. don't tell him to grow some balls til you stop worshipping yours.
@xR0CKST4Rx@xanga - I don't worship mine. I'm sick and tired of people like this. She wants to break up. So what? He's 22. How's he so sure she's the one? Not every person you fall in love with is the ONE, which is a completely inane term to begin with. All I'm saying is that this guy needs to find his balls and live a little. Even if they fixed things, it wouldn't last.
20 isn't that young to get married. most people i know got married at 20 or younger.
it seems like you really love this girl. maybe that's what's pushing her away. when guys are too "easy", they can seem boring to a girl. it's sad but true.
try to stay friends with her, be good to her. if she doesn't wake up and realize that decent guys are hard to come by, then it's her loss. :]
It's so painful to be in this situation. It's hard when you still want to be with them. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Maybe she does need time—you're both young. Give her her space for now.
In the meantime, find things that you like to do by yourself or with friends. Do things to get your mind off her. Develop a hobby; join a club; take a class in your community; volunteer; learn a new skill.... Then, slowly, you'll start to see who you are without her. And that's a very positive thing, whether or not she comes back to you.
I wish you the best.
Yeah, I was *that one.* That one that left the boyfriend of four years because she needed to *find herself.* I promise you, sometimes that's actually the case. The reason I broke up with him? I was scared of the future. I started dating him when I was 15. So that is a valid reason.
You'll just make it awkward for both yourself and her if you try to keep in touch with her too soon. So wait on it. If she realizes that you are what she wants, she'll be back. But don't make yourself pathetic in the meantime, you wouldn't be doing yourself any favors. Take some time for yourself, you're 22, go out and have some fun before settling down. Go kayaking, skydiving, anything...do something that you've always wanted to do.
Best of luck.
You just said you didn't even need her. I think you'll be otay.
@eclipse_the_dawn@xanga - it sucks to break up with someone, no matter how old you are. and he could know she's the one. i've knows people who got married even younger, and they're still happily married years and years later.
Give her time and space.
She needs space & time to figure out if she's ready & if this is for her. It totally stinks but she is young & she's wondering what else is out there in the world.
I wouldn't hold onto hope if I were you. It prevents you from moving forward. Let her go & if she really is the one, she'll come back. There's no use trying to force her to stay if she's not feeling it. You'll only end up driving her away. You're also young.. go out & do things you want to do. There's still a lot out there you need to discover about yourself & grow as an individual. Perhaps you're not ready either & you just haven't realized it. There can never be too much growing up as an individual. :) But it really comes down to this: don't dwell on what was.. focus on what is & move forward. You never know what the future holds until you look forward. :)
@xR0CKST4Rx@xanga - Well, congratulations. However, they're the exception rather than the rule.
Don't be friends right away. It will only hurt the matter more.
Give her space. Give her time. Don't beg for her to "come back" to you.
I was the girl in this pretty close to exact situation. I broke it off with my ex a year and a half ago. Now, my situation was a little different as I had valid reasons and gave him those, but still pretty similar. Anyway, so after I broke it off with him, we stopped talking for about a week before he came to me begging to take him back. That only worsened matters. Eventually, we had to stop talking for several months before we could be friends again. We are on good terms now and are friends, but I don't see us getting back together, but he's definitely a good friend to have. I'm not sure this is helpful, other than I'd say don't try to be friends, but if you do...wait a while...give her her needed space and time alone.
I'm not going to lie, her behavior does seem odd. I was in a somewhat similar situation and realized that I was wrong. You're still young, there's no need to waste your time on someone who's not even sure about you guys. If in the future she wants to settle down with you and you still want to also, then go for it...but now. Don't worry about it.
there seems to be a time in a relationship where one or both parties take a long hard look and get curious. they want to know what else is out there. but that curiosity is kind of like a test. is he or she worth losing to satisfy my curiosity? sometimes, the answer is yes... and sometimes it's no. I think this is a good opportunity for you to take sometime to find yourself a bit more. it's a good opportunity for you to see what else is out there as well. i know it's confusing... we girls are very strange... good luck :]
Ok here is the deal
1) if she was really in love with you or actually loved you or actually rather cared about you in any way she'd be willing to discuss why she wanted to break up, for how long if any time set, what she wants and doesn't want.and so on
2) if she was mature enough she'd wouldn't go breaking up to thinking about herself or find herself ANYONE who does that is selfish. that is what your companion is for. for you to lean on, talk to...you do not define yourself by your relationship or being with someone but how much you are there for one another
3) it doesn't matter how old she is 20 is young but so is 22. She was with you when she was at least 17/18 .. your allowed to drive and vote and sign up for the military and legally get married. Also held responsible legally as an adult. I think a relationship isn't too hard to handle let alone talk to your SO about things
5) chances are;
a) there is someone else
b) she wants to fuck around
c) she cheated or thought about cheating
d) she got raped ( either way she should talk to you about it if she feels she can't then maybe your not meant to be)
e) shes just a dirty little immature cunt and you can do better
f) shes scared of the future and not mature enough or adult enough to talk to you about it
She sounds more of the I want to fuck other people.And go out and be able to hook up while in college. that is what the college life is about or the so called living it is: going out and drinking and hooking up with random guys....dating a lot...but if you are really in love it doesn't matter.
I was in a serious relationship going to a college in a college city and in another country from him...we broke up because of his infidelities not my i want to live college life...I got to live it to the extent I wanted to.
You can still drink and party while in a relationship away from your partner.
i suggest you DO NOT be her friend. she doesnt deserve that and neither do you. She probably wants to keep you as her friend so that when she is done screwing around she can have you back and make sure your not going around banging chicks.
My suggestion is: tell her that she talks to you about this like a mature adult. and that she answers your questions honestly. that she be open and upfront with you and key honesty. And if she refuses or even if she says some lame story I suggest you tell her that you are not going to be friends.
yes we are in the position to have it all or nothing. and tell her that you dont want to be her friend you want to be her boyfriend. and if that isn't the case then you go your own ways for good in life.
then leave it at that..delete her from your physical life and electronically ( email, phone, online websites and so on)....and never look back..
I want a break and I need time is I want to live my own life. do you really want to make someone your wife and mother of your children when things get a little rough or its that time when she should be having fun instead and saying I need time?
no
Once a cheater always a cheater...once a leaver always a leaver.
HERE. LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU, BECAUSE I LEFT HIM FOR TWO REASONS:
1) I LIVE TO FAR
2) I WANT TO EXPERIENCE MORE.
We were together for 3 years. And my oh my, did I enjoy so much out of my life! As much as I missed him, hurt from the fact it had to be over..I just knew it was the RIGHT thing! I can't keep him in my life because..I still need to know what out there offers..
And u know what? He's the one who loved me more in the relationship&he's the one who ENDED up falling completely for another girl!
I was young..and I still am! Only 17 here..but I'm smarter than most individuals. I swear it to you. Ha!
It was love. I'm not gonna lie..but sometimes, better things come in life! :) It'll take a little while to let go..but let her be. let her have her fun..as MUCH as it suck..because things were so nice..right? Well, go have fun.
Wow...I can totally relate to this post.
I feel like I'm that "girl" in this post because I'm 20, and my boyfriend is 22. All his friends are in serious relationships or married...a few already have babies! We were thinking of breaking things off earlier, but something happened, and it brought us closer. His mom thinks we're meant to be after the situation that brought us closer. Long story...
However I'm still with my boyfriend. Maybe your now ex I assume(??) needs time to find out who she is and what she wants in life. She's younger than you, so she didn't experience life as much as you did. Were you clingy? Did you try to control her whole life? If you did, these are the possible reasons why she wants to be alone. If she truly loves you, she's going to realize it and come running back to you.
You guys are both young, so I think you both should have fun. And when you both feel like settling down or feel like the relationship should go deeper, then marriage talk could come along sooner or later.
Like everyone said, go out and have fun. Hang out with your boys, friends, family, and everyone in your life. Don't feel like your girlfriend is the only person in you life. Live your life, man.
That definitely is a tough one, man. If a girl feels she wants to be alone, chances are she thinks that she's missing out on the opportunity to meet other great guys out there and doesn't want to be stuck with the idea that she can't meet other people because she's with you.
Honestly she's calling the shots right now. Here's hoping she comes back to you with open arms!
I don't know how many times this issue has come up between my friends. COUNTLESS times. My boyfriend's sister is going through it just now, my cousin went through it (although he's a guy), and sometimes I feel like I'm going through it.
Because you're on the receiving end of the stick, all you can really do is support her decision on whether she leaves or not. It's not like you can tell her no, you can't do that, yunno? It's true that you guys still are really young and she's entitled to leave if it's because she wants to see other people. If you were to break up though, I personally find it difficult to stay only friends with someone you care so much about that I would probably prefer to cut off all contact until I think I can handle being friends, however long that may take.
It is a possibility that she's PMSing though, or just going through a phase, because I've had this same talk with my boyfriend before and that's what ended up being the case. If you're in a relationship for so long, you are bound to go through these phases of doubt, and giving yourself these "what if" scenarios. Trust me, I've been in a relationship for 5+ years now and this phase has come and gone multiple times. Maybe you can try giving her some space to think about it, because if you're treating her really well, as soon as she's about to leave, she might realize how much she'll be losing and reconsider if losing you is worth it.