Miss CheetahOne of my friends has been feeling pretty sad lately in her
relationship. Apparently, she not only got a great paying job with
benefits, but she received a shiny, new car compliments of her parents.
I was very happy for my friend because she worked hard to get those
things, but it seemed as if her BF wasn't so happy.
At first,
he congratulated her, but then she said she noticed him becoming more
distant. She said he even started to resent her. Whenever she offered
to pick him up from his job, he refused. He even stopped calling her for
periods at a time, coming up with bogus explanations about his attitude.
My
friend didn't know what to do. She wants to believe deep down that he
cares about her, but she's starting to realize his jealousy is getting
out of hand. One day she told me, "The thing that hurts the most is that
if the tables were turned, I would never treat him like he's treating
me. So what's his problem?" All I could do was sigh.
How do you deal with a BF or GF that's jealous of your accomplishments or sheer luck?
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Comments (35)
Dump his ass.
I have no time for such chilish behavior. Grow up and start doing things to make yourself more succesful.
are you certain that her accomplishments are the reasons why he's been feeling distant? (i think it may be deeper than that, like cheating?!) if it is, it may not be jealousy. he may be feeling insecure like he's not good enough for her. it's the macho-ego that's taking over him, imo. she should talk to him about it. maybe she shouldnt offer to pick him up from work anymore.... if he's that insecure about the entire situation.
High paying job and shiny new car? Can I date your friend?
To keep it simple, she should just talk to him about what he's feeling. It might not even be jealousy. However, there's the possibility of him wanting to be the one who brings home the bacon. I think most men want to feel like that, but things have changed now. Personally, I would like to provide for my SO/wife, but I wouldn't get jealous about her achievements. It's actually a chance to be more stable.
@XxNoLifeKing_AlucardxX@xanga - I agree. The guy should be the one providing, but not be jealous if his wife is making more than he is or something like that. I'd be happy and it would take a little less of a toll on my money stack, knowing that if something was ever wrong and i cant pay for it, then i'll have my SO to back me up a little bit, however the majority of it should be on my shoulders.
The simple possible explanation is that the BF is stuck in the traditional role as a provider. If so, obviously it would help to grow up" a little bit, but that can take time. He is possibly feeling insecure about himself or the status of the relationship because that role is being upset by what is happening with the GF.
So what do you do... It depends a lot on a bunch of things. Do she want to keep the relationship and work on it? If so, possible avenues include indirectly de-emphasizing the material aspects of the relationship. There's a whole admiration aspect that is linked to this provider role, so admiring/respecting him in other areas may help to compensate.
It may help you to understand his POV if maybe instead of material stuff, you think about how he might feel if he was malfunctioning in bed.
Then again, he could just be hung about something completely different - his reactions seem a little extreme for it to be just about the job/car. But the main point is that there is likely a logical explanation behind his actions and there are things she can do to work things out - if she is willing.
Wow, this sucks. I think they should just talk and if he doesn't like her accomplishment, then it's not worth the relationship.
Luckily I dont have to worry about my husband being jealous about my accomplishments. I've gotten a bunch of raises since I started working at the lab, I was approved for a home loan of $185k in just my name (his cant be added until he's been "established" with transmission building). We are proud of one another and what we achieve.
I think jealousy is a horrible thing to have in a relationship. It brings down the person who was excited about their accomplishments. I believe the person who has made those accomplishments should also compliment their SO on something they've done as well, maybe so they dont feel so "worthless". If the jealousy continued, you have to stop and think "Is this really worth it?"
loser can't hang, ditch and run.
At first I'll talk to him. To see if things would improve and if it doesn't then I'll probably dump him.
It could be nothing more than jealousy. For instance - once I started going to college, making new friends, and experiencing new things, my boyfriend got really jealous. He was more distant, less willing to talk, more irritable, and meaner. This was in part due to him having to repeat his senior year of high school and going through a revolving door of jobs, and partly because of insecurity in himself and our relationship (for the record, there was no cheating involved). It took a couple months of rough patches and long conversations, though, before things were more or less back to the way they were before I left for school.
As other people mentioned, the boyfriend in question could have a provider complex, which would make him jealous of the fact that she's going on to become more successful and more of a breadwinner than he is. Talking about it is going to help, regardless if they stay together or not.
@XxNoLifeKing_AlucardxX@xanga - I think you're right. His underlying problem is that he's taken a back seat to being the provider (or so it seems).
The best thing to do would to have a few super low maintenance interactions with the boyfriend and maybe see if him paying for a date or two doesn't iron things out on the jealous thing. It might be a good idea to talk to him, but since he's feeling insecure, he might not want to.
Honestly, I would tell him to get the fuck over it and if he don't like it the door is right there.
I think most important thing to do is talk to him and find out what is
going on. Remember for a relationship to work, it takes
communication. You should not assume anything until you find out the
details. Most likely he is jealous of you but it could be something
else that is making him like this.
oh grow up. i don't understand why it's such a power play between the two sexes. women should be able to make as much AND MORE than men; we have to make sure we're taken care of too!
fiance and i are happy about each other's accomplishments. we don't feel threatened if the other does a good job, and we figure things out if things go wrong for either one of us.
When I go out with my boyfriend, I offer to pay (if he's already paid for something just before) or split the tab. In the beginning, he kept resisting because he said that, while he understands how I feel (I feel it's unfair), he says he likes to feel that he can provide for me. I think it's just instilled in his mind that the man has to be the breadwinner in the relationship/family, and he'd like to show that he can play that role.
I dunno, I thought maybe this could be the same as my situation. Or maybe it really is just jealousy.
i know the feeling... there was one day where i outscored my boyfriend on everything in the class we shared, plus i got a perfect on a test in the class i don't share with him... and i don't think he resented it, but he was pretty upset with how he did, and it was kindof hard to say anything about it because i had done so much better... and i feel like he might have resented me if i did.
i think in her case, though, she needs to confront him about why he's acting so distant, and if she knows it's an excuse, call him out on it. he has no right to treat her that way for accomplishing things.. as she said, she would never act that way towards him. he should be happy for her, and in the mean time, try to keep his life together.
sometimes it feels like if you're a girl, being successful is a curse
my friend's bf recently broke up w/ partly b/c she's going to be a lawyer and he's a bank teller. also contributing to the event was the fact that she got a new SUV and he had to sit in the passenger ... she's bitter and keeps reiterating the fact that he wants her to be successful, just as long as she's not MORE successful than him ...
i often reduce my salaray by 30% less of the guy's just so that things don't get to awkawrd when money talks comes up with guys i'm seeing
it would be nice if women can achieve sucess career wise without worrying about a guy's ego
I think the guy just feel that he's not as successful as the girl and felt quite embarrassed?
But not calling her seems quite.. over reacting.
When my husband and I first got together, I was a single mother, I made more money, bought my house myself, after we married, it started to even out, and now sometimes he makes more than me, sometimes he doesn't. It doesn't bother him at all. I like it to be more equal, takes some of the weight off your shoulders if the burden is shared.
Your friend should give him the boot. Listen, we've all been there before at sometime in our lives. That little "green-eyed" monster pops up when a loved one scores a high-paying job or gets mad recognition for their achievements, but that feeling (usually) quickly subsides b/c: 1)you're truly happy for your loved one and 2)you're secure in who you are as a person. This guy's lingering jealously and childish actions are huge flashing red light. A warning sign for even worse things to come. Let this be a lesson that insecurity is uber unsexy!
@wewong@xanga - love your response! Short and simple!
@sarahb_86@xanga very good response! Behavior like that belongs to a grade schooler not an adult.
was it Dave Letterman who said that 'girls mature at age twelve and guys mature at forty-five' on one of them night shows? i think that's true in this case (as well as many other cases). just give him some time.. to grow up. :P
it's pretty common for guys to get insecure or feel jealous about his girl kicking ass on the success front. if he can't handle it, then she could consider leaving him. sounds like she could do better than a petty, jealous chauvinist anyways.