This is a guest blog submitted by urmymiracle.I've been seeing this problem not only in my relationship but among my friends, too.
Whenever we'd fight with our BFs, we would share it with our friends - we would always feel much better after venting.
The problem is that our BFs don't like us to share our problems with our friends. I don't know if it's a matter of their feeling embarrassed or what; I don't mind if my BF talks to his friends when we fight, because at least he'll feel better and cool off a little bit.
There's no way my friends and I can just bottle up the way we feel - we like to talk about what's going on in our lives and our relationships, even if that means talking about the fights we have!
Is this only among my group of friends or is it universal? Why don't guys want us to talk to our friends about fights we've had?
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Comments (73)
Well from my personal experience I just sorta assume my gf would talk to her friends about issues like that; what are friends for right? However, I can understand why a guy wouldn't want his gf to talk about problems that can embarrass him. So yea, I think what you do is pretty universal.
I think its normal for him to feel that way. It could possibly lead to different treatment by your friends towards your bf.
I think your bf needs to allow you to tell a couple people, not everyone and you need to respect your bf's wishes.
My current guy doesnt mind who I tell but thats bc he doesnt mind anything. However, I only tell a few close friends about my problems anyways.
I dont want him telling his sisters or anyone outside the army about mine and his problems (he's on orders right now w/ no civilian interactions).
For my friends, it's usually the other way around. My girls usually don't want their boyfriends telling their boys about what went down between them, whether it's good or bad. I tend to find that a bit hypocrital, because they then turn around and vent to me on what happened with them.
Even though I'm currently single, I can personally say that I never really had a problem when my ex-boyfriend told his dudes about a fight we had or whatever. I just thought that it was his way of getting things off his chest, especially since I always told my girls when I had a fight with him.
I MIGHT have a problem if the friend he was telling was another girl, though. To be honest, it would probably be jealousy.
I think that telling your friends what's going on really depends on the situation and the person you're with.
If my boyfriend ever told me not to talk to my best friends about our fights, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.
It could be about pride and sometimes it could be that the fight is between the boyfriend and me and why should a third or fourth person hear about us? Depending on what kind of person your best friend is, they will either make things worse by telling you that he's not worth it and all, break up with him. Eventually you may consider her suggestion. They could help you in a way by trying to make you understand your partner's perspective because when we're mad, we sometimes tend to be less logical and impatient. In a relationship, I believe that both parties should be willing to sit down and talk the problem out without resulting to a third person to help out.
I understand, like I admit sometimes I just need to ventttt but my bf HATES IT when I tell people about our fights. He always worried about looking bad etc.
I understand that the guy would be embarrassed and not want to look like a jerk in front of your friends. I think it would be scary for a guy to have a group of girls all give him the evil eye the next time he walks in the room!
But I agree with you. Girls need to vent - it's how they sort out their issues. I learned that girls think quicker than guys, and have more ideas bouncing back and forth at once. That's why girls "freak out" more than guys! That's also why they are better at multi-tasking. Every girl needs to talk to her friends to keep her from going insane. lol.
Plus, maybe he'll stop fighting or being a jerk as much if he knows you'll just tell all your friends! ;)
There are definitely some discussions/arguments that stay between my boyfriend and I. There are others that I take to my friends.
He knows this and if something is meant to stay between us, he tells me so. I think it's only fair that guys would want some privacy.
My boyfriend is the same too.. when we broke up for a bit, he got pretty mad when I told my friends my speculations. While I needed the support of my friends to vent & understand him better, I also realized afterwards that it was a quite private matter & I should have limited the number of people I speak with. By doing that, I was disrespecting his privacy. Now, I understand why I should keep our problems/fights between ourselves & a few close friends..
That said, I have no problem with my boyfriend wanting to confide in a few of his close friends about what's going on between us. However, I am not okay with sharing it with the opposite sex, as in my confiding in another guy or him confiding in another girl as it just blurs the lines of friendship & gets the involved parties confused & just leads to a huge messy ordeal..
Hm I think most guys understand though..that we girls tell our closest friends almost everything.
once my boyfriend gasped and went "YOU TOLD HER THAT?!!!! Oh well...it's okay, you girls tell each other everything anyway."
I would say, in my experience, that when I fight with my girlfriends they rarely, if ever, truly understand what I'm trying to say in the argument. My own annoyance at a gf telling her friends about a fight is that when she explains 'my side' she won't actually be telling them what I truly think, but her bizarre interpretation of it. There's nothing more infuriating than having words put in your mouth, especially in a public way.
Also, gossiping to your friends after every fight is a pretty sure sign that you aren't in a very mature relationship or a very mature space at the time.
From my experience, its not pride or whatever. When you talk about fights you had with your so, it's revealing the innermost dysfunctions of your relationship. This is personal to him and your telling all your girlfriends that he yelled at you for yada yada. I use to tell my girlfriends everything and then all of a sudden they would stop saying Hi to my boyfriend and hanging out together. THEY hated him after everything I said even though it was just me venting and only my side of the story. After that I toned down, fights between us is BETWEEN us. Why do you want the whole world to know the nitty gritty details of your relationship?
I think both my exes talked to their friends about me, and I really didn't mind. As long as there wasn't talk about how I was sexually or talking about things I consider personal and told them in confidence, it's fine.
neither me nor my boyfriend minds if we share things that happen in our relationship with our friends.
We've got some friends in common, so when both of us tell them about our feelings, they can help us tell the each other how we feel. =P
I can understand his concern about airing out your private matters to your girlfriends. There could be some embarrassment. Or even suspicion about what your girlfriends could be feeding you. I've often seen boys blindly gang together when one of them complains about his girlfriend-- They sometimes do the stupid, "Dude, don't let her whip you!" boy thing and just add to the problem with their bias. But I think it's healthy to confide in people outside your relationship. He should do it, too.
Because, frankly, when that protectiveness gets extreme, and when a boyfriend wants you to keep everything about your relationship to yourself and not share with anyone, that's actually a classic sign of an abusive relationship.
Guys don't want to come off like they're tools. My best friend always vents to me about her bf. So I basically dislike him. Only because the only time I hear about him is when she's upset with him. So the only view I have of him is a negative one. Other than him making her happy, I really feel nothing for dude. Maybe that is what guys are worried about.
I used to tell one of my best friends about arguments I'd have with my boyfriend. Then one day she flipped out on him and brought up a bunch of things I'd told her about him and when we'd argue. Since then, any disagreements have stayed between me and the BF...
The reason is that when a girl talks to another girl about a fight with a boyfriend, the girls are always going to side with the girl and badmouth the guy. This is how a lot of relationships break up.
I actually have never heard of that before. Isn't it a bit extreme if a boyfriend is concerned about what his girlfriend tells her friends? To me, that sounds like a huge insecurity problem. Sometimes people do need to vent to other people, and friends just happen to be that outlet. And a good friend would evaluate the situation/fight objectively and tell the girlfriend is she honestly was "right" or "wrong" in the fight.
It's like airing out your dirty laundry. It is embarrassing.
i try to keep things that happen between my boyfriend and i between my boyfriend and i. no matter how nice it is to have someone to vent to, friends almost always try to give you advice and tell you what you should do, even when all you wanted to do is vent. and personally, decisions that affect my relationship with my boyfriend should be 100% from me or him, no one else. your friends dont know your boyfriend the way you do, therefore they really do have no idea what theyre talking about when they give you theyre opinion.
I've always considered it better not to talk about personal stuff between my boyfriend and I.
If I dated someone, and they'd be telling other people about my personal life, I would be pretty angry.
Plus, if you tell your friend about a fight between you and your SO, your friend is only getting YOUR side of the story (which, no offence, is almost always the opposite of the other person's story) and it's just not fair for the other person.
My bf is like that too, he tells me that I shouldn't mention our fight to anybody, after i've already vented to my bff and my sister..
i understand that he thinks it's personal, but i need to talk to someone.. and it can't always be him...
It's not a question of embarassment. It's respect and confidentiality. Just like how women don't like it when guys go out and share our sexual conquests and exploits (i am not one of them, by the way). It's out of respect. Yet, I know women gab about such things, too. I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I believe that anything like fights and stuff don't need to be aired to the public. If you want to talk about that stuff to someone, call your mom and complain how we suck. I really didn't like it when my ex would gab to her friend about all the fights we were having then. I respect them by not going to my friends and talking about such.
...Besides, we know we're retarded anyway, we don't want anyone else knowing just how retarded we really are, haha
Maybe it's because it makes them look dumb.
But that's really tfb... everybody needs to vent outside of any given relationship. That's life.