Miss Penguin Obviously,
I blog about my relationships. That's why I'm here on Datingish. And
most of you who are here on Datingish probably blog
about your relationships too. That's even why I have basically left my
old Xanga account behind - because most of what I blogged about there
was relationships, so why not do it on Datingish instead where the
readers actually want to read that kind of stuff?
But
every now and then, I find myself questioning the ethics (and risks) of
my blogging. Is it okay for me to be blogging about these guys I'm dating
without their permission?
I justify it by not using their real names
and trying to keep details out that might implicate them even without
their names. And I haven't told anybody I know about this blog, so
hopefully none of the guys will ever find out. But deep down inside I
have this fear that one of the guys I've written about is going to
stumble upon this blog and know I'm writing about him and be pissed.
Particularly the guy I refer to as "my soulmate." Not that he would be
pissed, but he might be a little freaked out.
I
haven't really cared up until now because with most of the guys I've gone on
dates with recently, it's been very casual and I really don't care what
they think because I haven't been that interested in them. I also don't
really care what my exes think who I've been writing about. I try to
use my past experiences to learn from and maybe help others who might
be going through something similar, and I don't feel the need to
justify that to them. And it's not like I ever go into attack mode,
really, so they shouldn't get offended. So writing about past
relationships, in my opinion, is fine.
But now I'm starting to
see someone a little more seriously (I wouldn't even say we're
exclusive yet, but we've been hanging out a lot and there's the sense
that we're going to be hanging out more and more). And I'm not sure I
feel right talking about him here because what if he finds it and that
screws everything up? It would be weird for me finding out that someone
was blogging about me. So I can only assume it would be weird for
anyone else. I read a Xanga entry the other day about that happening to
someone and they broke up because of it. Granted, it sounds like there
were other issues. But still. I don't want that to happen to me.
I
realize the other option is to just be straightforward with the guys I
date and tell them about this blog. But I can't do that because then I
can't write candidly. I like that no one I know knows I write this blog
(whoa, there's a tongue twister for you). It means I can speak my mind
without worrying about what my friends/dates who read this are going to
think or if they're going to be offended.
What do you think? Is
it ethical to blog about your relationships? Do you ever feel you're
putting your relationship at risk by doing so?
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Comments (116)
To me, a blog is a journal. If I can write in my journal/diary about relationships, then why not in a blog?
If it's becoming an issue for you, stop. Simple as that. If you feel uncomfortable and paranoid that someone's going to stumble across it, then what's the point in writing in it? If you can't express your thoughts to the person that matters most - yourself - the don't put them on the internet.
However, that's the beauty of the "private" button. Your eyes only =]
I don't change names unless I'm writing about something that can get me in trouble, and if I'm writing about guys on my myspace (which my current whatever-guy can read) I simply give nicknames so no one knows who I'm talking about.
My closest friends know the nicknames and that's about it. Eagle Pilot, NameLesss, Techno Boy, Soda Pop She Bop She Bop, etc...
Xo
i don't think people blog publicly online for themselves, but for others. if you wanted to keep it to yourself, either use the private button or use a journal that only you have access to.
You're more worried that he would find it out and read all your thoughts about him or because you don't want "strangers" reads about your love affair?
So it depends how you consider the people/subscribers/friends that read your blog. If you feel they are as strangers and, in real life you won't share your relationship with strangers well, don't write that.
Or maybe, if everything goes well, and you think he'll understand you can then tell him about "a blog where you put your thoughts".
I think it should be fine to blog about your relationship as long as you're not bashing the guy/gal. I think some time is helpful to tell your story to others and receive feedbacks so that you can gain as many perspectives as you can get. if this guy read your blog and get upset then I think he needs to be a little more open minded and realizes this is something you like to do and he should respect that.
I don't think it's unethical. But I do think it is a risk. I like to blog about my relationships, but I prefer to keep things from getting too personal in my blogs.
It's never a risk if you're doing it right.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I agree. Blogs are journals. Just online and sometimes very public (yes, I read the 'private button part').
as a general rule, i don't blog about relationships just because you never know how what your write will get used.
it's one thing to tell the story about that time the two of us had that funny misunderstanding. it's another to actually blog about issues.
i don't think it's unethical... just not advantageous and probably not very wise.
Story time! (Sorry it's probably gonna be long). So last year, I went out with this guy. I was completely in love with him (infatuated is a better word actually). So we were together and everything, and we would talk on aim and he would send me the cutest texts. So being a teenage girl, I typed up the texts and saved the IMs. Well, I'm sentimental. And my computer has crashed before. So I wanted to save the files somewhere where I'm positive they wouldn't get lost. A CD wouldn't work because I didn't want to lose it or have something happen where it would work. So I found an online file storage website and saved them there. Now, only about 2 of my friends knew about this. Maybe 3. But they are very close to me and wouldn't do anything about it.
So I was talking to them about it at school asking if they think it's okay that I'm doing that and stuff. So I guess someone overheard or something and they told him and he got PISSED. He was like "YOU PUT OUR CONVERSATIONS AND STUFF ONLINE?!? I can get you in a shitload of trouble for that!" I was terrified.
Granted, that was after we broke up.
So now that I keep blogging about him (I'm not over him), I'm afraid that one day he'll find out somehow and see that. I do bash him sometimes and I do use his name (first only) and there's a lot of stuff that would make him mad.
So yeah. I'm terrified. Although I see nothing wrong with doing it.
I've been blogging relationships since 2002 (damn!) and it's almost always been an issue.
I'm more or less completely honest in my blogs which has serious side effects when your significant other is reading it frequently and misinterpreting things even more frequently.
It was never my intention to have a large readership among my friends, but once or twice things slipped and people started reading it, etc....
Lately, I've gotten around this by being more vague/metaphoric about who I'm talking about or what I'm saying about them. It also helps to write the more scathing things in other languages.
Good luck with it.
Either way, if your SO is worth the cost of dinner, (s)he would respect your privacy and not read the site...but that's not most girls that I've dated and probably not most people.
don't stop it; there's not a big chance that they find it, and even if they do, they should understand your intentions; you aren't doing it to spite them or anything, like the first commenter said, it's just a journal. you might say "well, a journal's private but a blog's public" well, no, a) a journal could be found too, and in a journal, you most likely would use real names and 100% detail, so if that was found then, woah :P and b) a blog, i think, is safer !!! because, with you, you're hiding names and keeping details to yourself etc, so fat chance someone's gonna put 2 and 2 together and actually get 4 ;)
no, i don't think it's wrong - but WHATEVER you do, don't tell them about the blog !! i totally understand what you mean, what i love about xanga is like it's a place i can be me and totally spit everything out and nobody knows me so it's all goood :D don't ruin that; the POSSIBILITY that they MIGHT find it and then that they MIGHT be annoyed ... it's just not worth it :)
all the best x
@naguyin@xanga - They can be very public. But her issue seems to be more with her crushes finding her blogs than about the general public reading them. Hence why I put in the part about the private button =] (and yes, I did read that you read that part, just further explaining why I put it in)
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - If I was going to let the public read it then I'm willing to let anybody else who can find it read it.
Family, I would have an issue with. I know what she was talking about, I just didn't want to repeat eight other people.
i tell my girlfriend everything i say on here. sometimes we even get together and read some of the stuff on here and find ways to further strengthen our relationship.
You're half of the relationship, and there's nothing unethical about writing about your own experiences, even if they are with other people.
They may put relationships at risk, but that's no reason to put the kibosh on it.. and yeah, telling them about it would seem self-defeating. It's silly for a blog to make or break a relationship, especially when it's pretty neutral toward them.
I definitely feel your angst. I, too, have been in such positions, blogging, before. It's a tough one. Generally how I have handled it was once we were more of a steady couple, I would tell them I have a blog. I would let them know that I do not use their real name, etc. Like you said. However, I think you are in a more fragile predicament since you can't go into protected mode or initiate friends lock on the datingish blog (assuming so). Also your identity should be kept secret above all else. Unless you are at least engaged to the person (or at that level), I would not share this with your SO. I would probably minimize blog topics as much as possible that relate directly towards the specific happenings in your relationship. General topics that come up, sure, blog it. But really personal stuff, especially at "walk on egg shell" times in a relationship - skip it.
to be honest, I would be very careful about what you say online. I do a LOT of blogging about my hubby, but we are married and he knows.. he does it too about me.
BUT I will tell you, I have been on the other side. I was dating a guy and he went to visit a friend. He asked me to drive with his grandma to pick him up after his trip so I spent the night at his place.. I was doing some stuff on the computer when one of his friends messaged me and sent me to his blog page that I did not know about.. there I read how he was sleeping with this girl he was visiting, had cheated on me several times. asking friends for advice on how to deal with problems in our relationship and their replies.. and a whole lot of really mean and nasty things about me. We had been dating for over a year and every thing was written in this blog... ALL of his friends knew about it.. one of them finally fessed up... I was really hurt and when I asked him he told me that he could write what he wanted and I could just deal with it.... thank goodness I got away from him!
So, I would say be very careful about what you blog about.. and when in doubt, keep it private. If its not something you would tell the other person face to face, do not put it online. A friend of a friend of a friend might be able to put two and two together.
I like having the freedom of an anonymous blog though that isn't the case anymore for my datingish. :-/ I don't put stuff up that I haven't already told them. Only one post did I delete after I told some close friends about it because I didn't want people to misunderstand and also it just wasn't cool for them to see.
So yes, if in doubt, don't say it. And if you have an anonymous blog, keep it that way.
There are always details that I leave out that belong between me and my SO. Datingish has raised some interesting topics of conversation between he and I, and sometimes it's easier for me to write what I'm thinking about rather than tell him... it rarely has anything to do with US and usually in more of an introverted expression of my thoughts. I think in some ways, it creates a conversation starting point that he feels okay talking with me about... and vice versa.
But you definitely have to be careful about what you say, that's true.
Anonymity is a great thing. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others who are at least partially guaranteed to support you and offer you advice without complete bias in the situation is a heady thing that Datingish offers. I have 2 Xanga blogs, and my datingish account. Because I blog on a semi-wide spectrum of things. My closest most trusted 'friends' have access to all three, and it breaks down from there. In your situation, I wouldn't be so concerned about what you blog, if you take precautions to protect names and things, but be prepared for inevitable discovery from someone regarding something you said in a blog. I post things I have no problems discussing in person, so I'm covered in the event of a IRL discussion about an online topic I've blogged about.
I guess the best advice has been stated. If you use the blogging ability as a way to get your thoughts down (ie journal) then I would post mostly private, but if you are looking for feedback then I can only recommend coding names and topics that you feel are too sensitive. I hope it works out for you.
I would say blog but be metaphorical and if you can avoid using real names that would be better.
A few years ago, I had some friends who were horrible to me and I blogged about them on my xanga.One of them who happened to be stalking me found my blog and read my comments about her and the other friend.
What annoyed me was my privacy being disrupted more than anything else.I didn't care that they knew how I felt because my xanga is the closest I have to a journal.You have the right to blog about your feelings good or bad.
If I were in a serious relationship, I would let my SO know I had a blog(whether or not I let him read it) and I would respect him enough to not blatantly put our relationship out there but metaphorically write my sentiments or make more personal entries private.
I told this guy I was talking to he was blog worthy and was flattered because he knew I was into that.Â
He would read them and then laugh about them on the phone with me. Just because he thought it was cute not creepyI don't see it as an ethical issue. I consider it like talking, except with more people. The problem comes in when you get really specific and dig into the nitty gritty of it all...I hate it when people blog about their sex lives. I don't want to hear about them, I don't want to read about them, and I'm sure their love interest wouldn't be too pleased if the world knew about his/her little fetish...