This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I have been together for a very long time, and my
parents have forced us to separate because our churches are of two
different denominations.
They say we aren't "breaking up," but I'm not
allowed to talk to him or see him until his 18th birthday (which is about ten months away). We are so
close that even my parents admit he is a marriage prospect.
What's even worse is that I have to tell him about the whole thing tonight.
My parents' minds are set. They are very forceful with their decisions
and nothing can be done about them. I have begged already. It is hard
to describe my parents other than saying they are forceful and shelter
me as best they can. They don't want to call my boyfriend my boyfriend,
but they say he could be a good husband for me. Makes no
sense.
I don't know what to think of
this...it just seems so unfair that they would do something like this
over a denomination difference...how do I cope, or more importantly, how can I tell him what they've decided?
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Comments (68)
I love it how you Christians judge each other even though you believe in the same diety only worship them a little different. "Oh no, they're no good, they're Catholic."
Just be upfront and honest with him. Honestly, I don't know, I don't take shit from my parentals.
@awokenfatality@xanga - It looks to me like you're being the judgmental one, jerk.
Is your parents issue with the denominations or the age? It seems it may be a bit with both. Parents tend to be wiser than we give them credit for...try to be rational in your thinking. My EXhusband was a Jehovahs Witness and three years younger than me. Please note the ex. I'm baptist. There are things that make a bigger impact on a relationship than you think...when it comes to religion and age I mean. If things are meant to work out with you and him, then in the long run they really will.
Wait. you can't see him until HE turns 18? I'm confused. Are you 18 yet?
I do not envy your having to have that conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him what you said in this blog: that your parents don't want you to see each other, that you don't really understand it, and you think it sucks. Don't make your parents out to be evil or anything, because that just looks immature. But you can make it clear you don't agree with them without villifying them.
I've come to realize I didn't fully answer your question either. Coping isn't easy and neither is telling him. The best thing is to be upfront and honest with him. Tell him how you feel about him and be sure to let him know that your parents think a lot of him too...but that they feel that you all should take time to mature as Christians and as people. You're both (I'm assuming) still very young and marriage is SO MUCH BIGGER than you can imagine. Seeing eye to eye on everything is not crucial but to find a medium that you can raise children with is very important. Hold your head up. Take time to really focus on WHY you believe a few beliefs differently, take time to focus on you...and keep your boyfriend close as a friend.
@Spectre_NY@xanga - It just gets me mad that we can't all coexist. Why be hateful towards anoyone off another branch? Especially the Catholics, I hear them being put down by so many Christians.
Jerk? If it was about muslims you wouldn't be so uptight.
@awokenfatality@xanga - I like Muslims. I just don't like the ones that try to kill me.
Stop assuming things, fatality. It makes you look like an ass.
Be honest and straightforward. If he cares about you, he'll at least listen to it. I've never exactly being in that situation, but I think it's better that you're honest with him. It's going to be hard, but you have to go what you gotta do.
@Spectre_NY@xanga - Fatality, haha, I like the refrence. The assumptions are quite true to a mass (they are exceptions).
@awokenfatality@xanga - There's a difference between coexistence and parents having a choice as to whom their daughter sees.
The fact is, couples of different denominations have an uphill battle.
@Spectre_NY@xanga - Wanting someone who has a college degree to wanting someone who worships the same God in the same way are not exactly the same way. What's the point of coexisting if relationships can't even form out of it?
The battle is insignificant compared to battles of couples with more opposite religions.
I really feel like there's more to this story that we don't know. Like how old is the poster? How long is 'a very long time', since time is quantified differently between adults and teenagers? If they've been together all this time, it's hard to believe the denomination thing is just now an issue. Also, what culture does the girl belong to? (That has a severe impact on this dilemma)
I don't feel like I, especially as a parent, can give valid advice without more information.
So... you're both christian, right? Different denominations of the same religion... It's not like one's devout Catholic and the other is Hindu or something. If you're old enough to be thinking about "marriage prospects", then I think you're also old enough to tell your parents to back off. Be open and honest with him, tell him exactly what your parents are saying/doing and hopefully he'll help you come up with a solution to make your parents respect your relationship together.
You're both Christian, for goodness sake.
There's no need to argue over which specific sermon it is you attend every Sunday.
-_-
i've actually broken up with MOST of my boyfriends over the issue of religion. it's a touchy subject, and especially if you have kids together, it can be confusing and frustrating for them. it doesn't make sense that your parents are okay with you marrying him but not dating him. that's completely backwards to me.
but a little more in the sense of advice, i don't think your parents have the right to tell you who to date unless they think he's a serious threat--physically or emotionally. they can give you all the advice in the world, but frankly i think who you date should be up to YOU.
sorry i ranted for so long... i guess i can just really relate personally to this issue!
I hate to say this... but there is absolutely no easy way of doing this. I could give you a script, but it wouldn't comfort him, it wouldn't console you...
He will understand, but he may not accept it.
If I were you, I would break every rule to be with him. Nothing should keep you away from the man you love--not church, race or distance. Nothing.
Are you both under 18 right now? Maybe both your sets of parents sitting down and talking together would help? Or maybe if your BF would be willing to come to church with your family every week, your parents would change their minds?
That's what I hate about Religious parents. My parents are religious Christians too. Oh well. I kind of don't give a fuck about what they think anymore.
Oh and I hope you make the right choice about this. Good luck.
I think its best to just be honest with him and tell him its what your parents want.
I don't get the whole waiting until he is 18 thing.
This is just weird.
there is more to this story, isnt there?
Xo
A few things here.. Just how old are you? Waiting until his 18th birthday..? & how long is dating for a long time?
I'm a Christian but honestly, my parents don't really care what denomination my boyfriend is as long as he's Christian. However, I do understand how religion can be a sticky topic. :( I think you should sit down & find out why your parents think like this. Perhaps they're worried about how you'd raise your kids since they do admit they can see him as a potential husband.. & like all parents, they don't want to see their children have a difficult time so they are trying to protect you.. I know that's how most parents view things. Whatever the case is, you should definitely talk to them & try to understand their point of view.
As for how to tell your boyfriend, just tell him everything. I don't see why you can't be completely honest with your boyfriend. You shouldn't be afraid of telling him anything.. even if it might hurt your relationship. But if he's as loving & understanding guy as you make him out to be, then I'm sure he'll understand it's not within your control. Also let him be aware of the fact that you're gonna be sitting down with your parents to understand why they are like this.. That's all I can think of. Good luck~
To all those out there, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all. This girl asked for advice, don't go criticizing her religion 'cause that's not going to help her.
@Spectre_NY@xanga - They don't have to. I could see it being an issue if they are from radically different denominations, or if one denomination considers the other one a cult or something. But interdenominational couples can work out just fine. My parents are from different denominations, and it's very rarely an issue. My dad is baptist, my mom is mennonite. I think my dad's parents don't always like my mom's views on life, but they aren't mean to her about it or anything. And we live on a different continent than either of their families anyway. My parents saw it as "we're both Christian, so it's ok." Different denominations is only an issue when one or both people are really tied to their denominations.
hi, this is just my perspective on things...might not relate entirely to your situation. but i definitely feel for you. =)
there are many variables and different ways of perceiving this dilemma. i don't think it's easy, that's for sure. but if we say that they don't care or understand, that's not true. the same goes for your faith. that's why we rely on JC to mold us from brokeness. i can attest to it. at the same time, we're not bound by how others enforce their ways on us, but we are bound by the scriptures. i'm not saying that parents know everything, and from my experience as a youth worker, while working with parents too, they are far from the 'know-it-all's' and many confess to it. some times, parents, as you've mentioned, are protective over their children, but don't know what to do or how to do it best for their children.
in north america, we've been taught a specific way to live and we don't ever think about it or even realize it some times. we're taught to be independent, to say or make our own choices because we have the power to do so, to not care about how others feel if we decide on something, etc. etc. etc. now, i'm not saying that other principles are right...in fact, i'm chinese, and it's somewhat the opposite to the western culture (born and raised in vancouver though), but i believe we need to find a good balance in between both styles. we can't do without respecting our parent's decisions and we cannot not have our own thoughts and feelings. with that said, i believe we need to use our discretion wisely...bound by our faith of course and in the context of culture. =)
Threaten to mother the anti-christ unless you can see your boyfriend again.
Babe, if your a christian as well... seek for help from him... not from people around you... he knows the biggest picture of all... pray about it... read his words... he will guide you... GOd never puts us in a situition that is bigger then we can handle... at the same time.. P.U.S.H Pray Until Something Happens...
Min oxox
This is why I think religion is stupid in some cases.
If God is allowed to love anybody and everybody, then why aren't we?
@awokenfatality@xanga - Ok, first of Catholisism is a completelly different religion. It is similar in "some" ways to Christianity, but it is FAR from just a "denomination" away. And we don't judge other denominations. I am a Baptist. (don't judge me for that) people tend to think that Baptists are hardcore, strict, can't have any fun Christians. But I am very laid back. I have fun. I am dating a nondenominational. and he is the same way. I don't have a problem with dating someone not in my denomination, but i can understand why my parents are skeptical, not because he's nondenominational, but because i'm not nondenominational. they don't want me to get confused. and I thank them for that. in the end I'm most likely going to convert to nondenominational. I'm not sure yet. So, @awokenfatality@xanga, we aren't judging. we are just protecting from confusion.
And to the girl that posted this. Hang in there. I'm in the same situation. my parents didn't do the whole you can't see him until he's 18, mainly because i'm 18 and they really can't tell me who i can and can't date. but they have also always been really strict with me. so i know what you are going through. they know what they're doing. just be patient. I'm sorry that you can't see him for ten months though. best of luck. I will pray for you and your boyfiend.