This is a guest blog submitted by tokimon. During the time my ex and I were together...a whole year...he was secretly emailing a girl he really liked over in Japan. He says she's just a friend, that nothing ever happened between them and that they were good friends for the year he was studying abroad there. I was uncomfortable with the fact and told him so, that it made me unhappy. And he promised me he wouldn't talk to her ever again.
I found out that he had made a secret email account entirely dedicated to emailing her. And he even sent her "<3" character when I had explained to him long ago that I felt that was something special to send to a girl he loved...and he said he understood. He said he loved me. But I saw that he sent her this character...and he said he did it because he didn't think I'd ever be reading these emails.
Now he says that he won't email her again. He says that he only loves me and that he can't help who he likes. I want to ask...do you think this is true? Is it possible that emotional cheating isn't as bad as I feel it is? I also figured that if I truly love a guy, there would never be another guy I'd ever meet while I'm with my BF...that would make me share my feelings for.
Comments (115)
Your BF has a different definition of love than you do. He has a lot of different definitions of stuff so he can rationalize his behavior towards you. Cheating. Honesty. And so on.
FWIW, it is possible for a lot of people to have feelings for multiple people, but they tend to be narcissistic people who are more about how those people make HIM feel. If you truly love someone, you really can't be doing these other actions with having severe character faults.
Even despite that though, while he may not be able to control who he "likes" he can control his actions. And there is no good reason for him to be lying, breaking "promises" and otherwise acting like a douchebag.
And don't listen to anyone who tries to make you feel bad for finding out about the secret account. Short of some extreme physical threat or something crazy, you had more than enough reason to investigate. Breaking trust is not so much and issue since the trust there was based on false premises.
he is a liar. And he has violated your trust already with the same line. It sounds like a bad thing to say but I would break up with him. Unless you want to continue having a relationship with someone you can't trust?
CHEATING IS CHEATING. its all the same. dump him!
My best friend in the entire world had the same exact problem with her boyfriend of (now) three+ years. He had a secret account and everything. Eventually he dropped the internet girl, but then came a real one, with which he did cheat on her.
My ex also made the same excuses for talking to a girl in another state via webcam and chatting. And guess who's single now because he thought she was more "fun to talk to"? Yeah.... don't trust him every again. People who do that internet thing are always bound to cheat physically at some point once they become brave enough, bored with you, and stupid enough to do something like that.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - yes LYING is the biggest NO NO
i think guys see physical cheating as cheating but girls view emotional cheating as a form of cheating as well..
you could always try to get to know the other girl and maybe shes not so bad. maybe yu guys will become good friends andd you'll grow to like her as well =]
@yumixpeach@xanga - that's actually true.
sad. but true. lol
If you're uncomfortable, jealous about it, you may need to analyze your feelings for him. It sounds like you two don't really mesh when it comes to your social/emotional goals.
If he feels the need to do this behind your back, part of him knows what he is doing is wrong. Emotional cheating is still lack of devotion to his primary relationship.
It may be time to analyze whether or not you're in the right spot with him.
First of all, you can't stop him from talking to her. He likes her. You can either allow him to talk to her, or he can do it behind your back. I know you may be uncomfortable with her...but she's in japan. So, let him talk to her. If he ends up breaking up with you for her, than it just wasn't meant to be. You wouldn't be able to prevent that anyway.
And are you serious about the "<3" thing? It's an emoticon.....
AND NEXT: Emotional cheating is far worse than physical cheating. Emotional cheating means he gave his heart away. Physical cheating just means he wanted some.
...Does the girl in japan know about you? Because if he's hiding that, that's a big sign he really, really likes this girl.
the actual emailing isn't THAT bad, but the fact that he's lying (and creating "secret" accounts to hide from you) is definitely a red flag.
and your need to snoop through his emails is also a red flag. probably a 'chicken or the egg' situation, but either way, it should stop.
I would rather deal with someone cheating physically than emotionally. Emotionally is way worse, in my opinion. I'd say leave him...he won't stop.
I've totally been through this, discovering secret email address dedicated to email someone else... It definitely hurts and it's not something that one can easily get over. It has already been almost a year since that incident when I found out, and arguments/fights with my BF still go back to that moment in time. The pain always come back.
With that said, It depends on where you both are in the relationship, whether he's worth all the pain at all. If not, then I suggest you should find ways to make yourself happy and not stay in the relationship just for the sake of companionship. :)
Good luck, xoxo.
I feel like some people are missing the fact that even tough it may not be a big deal, he still went behind her back and lied to her face without a problem.
While it may or may not be emotional cheating, what happens down the line when his behavior gets even more secretive and worse.This is how a lot of cheaters start out.=[
I think emotional cheating is worse. I mean, physical cheating is bad as is, but if you can't get through to your SO on a different level, then the relationship is, at least I think, done. There'd be nothing to really fix or get back because you can't make someone fall back in love.
I think that your boyfriend either a) is looking for something you're not giving him or b) he just became really close to this girl in Japan.
If the e-mail are amorous or flirtatious, I'd be careful.
It sounds like he's being sneaky about this whole thing. If I were you, I would take this opportunity to re-evaluate things. Are you willing to settle for a guy who's not 100% invested in you and only you? If not, it might be time to move on.
All the pen pals I had I wanted to hook up with, and would have if I could. But I broke it off with them when I got a girl friend. But I just roll like that. If it's hurting you, then let him know why, something in your relationship may need fixin' or it may need nixin'. Hope it turns out all good.
His heart isnt yours, leave him before you get really hurt!
I think being emotionally attached is a lot more powerful than physically. No, it's definitely more powerful. I know it is.
Your bf/ex bf is full of shit. If you had already talked to him about it and he "promised", why would he do it again? You need to decide on what makes you happy. Personally, I'd move on without him. He's done it twice and promised twice. What makes you think he won't do it again?
I think you should just be done with him.
Xo
If you feel bad, then it's bad. I'm a bit appalled that he'd create a secret email account to communicate with this girl. No offense but I don't think he "loves" you as much as you love him. He shouldn't be keeping secrets from the person he supposedly "loves." I don't believe in loving someone & liking others. That's bullcrap. I'd advise you to leave him. You deserve someone who can give you his whole heart, not just a piece of it. Good luck! 'Cause it's not gonna be an easy thing to do~
Just something to think about:
when girls and guys are asked the question about which situation is worse: their SO loving someone else, or having sex with someone else, statistically, the vast majority of women say that having their bf loving another woman is worse, whereas the vast majority of men say that having their gf have sex with another man is worse.
That being said, maybe your boyfriend doesn't really think this "emotional cheating" is really such a bad thing. However, the fact that he's hidden the whole email account from you isn't such a trustworthy move.
If you're uncomfortable in a relationship, just leave.
i don't think you're being insecure at all.. no matter what these people are saying. your bf isn't respecting you by blatantly flirting with this other girl. but with that being said, i think it would be best for you to break up with him. he obviously isn't completely happy where he is now. you'll find someone else more worth your time.
EMOTIONAL CHEATING IS WORSE
That mean her place is JUST as special as yours
You're with him physically**
But emotionally -- hes like 1000 miles away with HER*
If he loves you he'll be devoted / dedicated to YOU and ONLY you