This is a guest blog submitted by cyanidebutterfly.
How do you get someone you were sort of seeing to speak to you again?
We were sort of seeing each other (dating, but not exclusively) for a few months this summer, and it looked to have pretty good potential.
Outside of taekwondo class, we saw each other a few times a week. I was invited over specifically for the purpose of meeting his absolutely adorable 3-year-old daughter, and ended up having dinner with the family (he, his mom and Avery, his daughter). We could watch movies together; we could discuss anything from ethics to music to hair styles; I could lounge on the couch absorbed in a great book and he could sit at the computer intent on Warcraft 2 and that was totally comfortable. I met one of his best friends, which, if you knew him, you'd know that was a pretty big deal (he's normally rather antisocial).
Things were great until the day before I moved back to school (an hour away; I come home almost every weekend to work) and we had a perfectly sane, non-argumentative discussion.
His direct words were that I didn't want to stick around because he was fucked up, had a lot going on looking for a house and another job and taking care of a daughter; I was better off without him, and he was bad for me. He didn't want a relationship because he couldn't handle one on top of everything else, and that's not what I wanted.
Okay, fine. It could have been a lot more horrible than that. The kicker is that while I realize I'm not exactly over him, nor do I want what we were to be done, I am mature enough recognize that perhaps he needs his space and his time -- and not to sound like a martyr, but it's really freaking hard to try not to think that way about a person when they didn't give you a solid reason to be angry with them or break off connections (i.e. I slept with so-and-so last week because you're celibate; I really dislike you and I think you have hideous eyebrows; etc.).
And because we were both always honest with each other, I told him that I would probably still care for him, and he said that was fine; he still wanted to hang out. However, now that seems like a lie because he's never available or never seems to want to talk.
Granted, he picked up another job, so he's busy, but I know he's online (a beautiful little thing called the MySpace "now online" icon or this thing called AIM's "return from idle" status update). Just this past weekend I returned the last book of the series I was borrowing from him and I guess I just fear he's going to fall off of the face of the planet where I'm concerned.
Assuming that he originally meant that we could be friends, I think he thinks that showing me any attention will fan the flame that I still hold for him; I'm five years younger than he is and although most time he forgets the age difference he tends to remember it at the most inconvenient times ("damnit, I can get you into the bar but you can't drink!"), like now. How am I supposed to show him that no matter what I feel like, I respect his boundaries and decisions?
Is there any way to show him that above all else I would be more than thrilled to have our friendship back?
Or is this a game of patience and persistence?
(EDIT: We weren't very close friends before; we talked online, then my friend convinced me to sign up for grappling class with her and neglected to warn me that he was the Master. Also, he's 24, and I'll be 20 in January. I know somebody's going to ask.)
Comments (29)
Maybe his feelings changed? Or maybe he thinks he made a mistake and is too stuborn to admit it? It also could be that he may have found someone else and doesnt have the heart to tell you. Either way are you sure you really want to know the answer? I really think you should just leave it alone. But if it really bothers you, try asking him why he wont see you. Tell him you get the feeling hes avoiding you. If you confront him on it you could get a positive result or at the very least some closure. Sometimes being direct is the only thing you can do.
I don't have anything to say about this situation, because I'm feeling fairly braindead right now, but I wanted to say that you sound very intelligent and well spoken, and wise beyond your years.
I personally think you should give him MORE time. I mean no more contact for a short while, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. After a short while, he'll feel more "safe" or "comfortable" talking to you because he figures that you're not looking for anything more.
If I were the guy, and you happened to join my grappling class (w/o knowing that it was a friends suggestion), I would feel like you're trying to smother me with your presence. But good luck!
I've been in your shoes and over time, I only realized that I was better off NOT being friends w/ that person because you just get used to it -- like a habit.
I think he's just having issues with letting go. He's probably not the type who can handle distance, or handle uncertainty. Not sure what conditioned him to be like that, but he will eventually snap out of it. Seems like a lot of guys are going through crises these days. I wouldn't wait around for him. I understand you care about him, and you understand what he's going through - but does he understand you? A relationship of any kind needs two people to work, and if one seemingly quit the effort, it's not up to people like us to help them get back on track again. It's up to them. I think continuing to support him from a faraway stance is the best bet for you emotionally right now.
Good luck.
A girl I had a crush on (we work together) decided we should be friend after I told her how i feel about her. I agreed, but from that point on no matter how sincerely interested I am in maintaining a friendship, her action indicate just the opposite...like in your case. eventually I am learning to move on...you just can't have a meaningful friendship if only one party is interested.
You sound mature for your age. But if you're getting over him, likewise, he's trying to get over you, it's best to leave friendship alone right now. You have to get over him before you can be friends with him. But if you need closure, talk to him exactly why he wanted to break it off. It'll hurt, but if you hear that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore, you've move on faster, than the half a$$ reasons he's given you so far.
If you've always been honest with him, be honest now. Have a talk with him and tell him that his friendship is important to you and you feel like there's a distance growing between you two. Patience and persistence will be necessary, but addressing the problem outright may help because if he's really busy he may not even realize that he's neglecting you.
Wow, going through a VERY similar situation myself at this exact moment with a guy I knew in high school (10 years ago) and just recently started talking to again...thanks to MySpace. We went out several times, I hung out with his friends and met his parents...it's been about 3 weeks since I met his parents and I've only seen him once and talked to him maybe once or twice on the phone. Not sure what happened...I suppose he just decided that he wasn't interested anymore and figured it was easier to walk away without any communication than it was to discuss it with me.
Either that or he found someone else he liked better...either way, it sucks. Good luck!
Wow, this reminds me way too much of someone I kinda saw/liked over the summer.
He was a co-worker as well.
He's five years and 3 weeks older than me.I even met a few of his friends/family.And he suddenly decided to not talk to me anymore.Anyways, all I can say is that if he decides to talk to you again then he will -- but I wouldn't count on it. It's stupid, I know but it happens.*sigh*
may be some traing and back-up from my karate master
You hit the nail on the head. He doesn't want to encourage you. And I want you to know, most of the time it hurts one or the other to remain simply friends in a situation like this. So take not only time for him. Use the time for yourself. Get out there, and be truly single, no pining, no thinking about how nice your relationship with this guy was. Get over it once and for all, and then later maybe the two of you will meet up and be friends again. For now, let it lie. No harm in giving both of you some time.
Oh, and try hard to put away the notifications for when he gets on AIM. Been there, done that. No good for your peace of mind, thinking about all the times he *could* talk to you.
he's just protecting himself to avoid possible disappointments.
hes afraid of commitment perhaps especially if hes had a bad experience with them.
give it some time. if he doesnt come through then you'll find someone better. promise
"How do you get someone you were sort of seeing to speak to you again?"
Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's changed his mind. I know it sucks, but it's probably in your best interest to do your best to move on.
He obviously doesn't want to be friends with you. I've cut people off who I wasn't serious with, and in my case I just didn't care enough about them to continue the "sort of" relationship. And truth be told, I don't believe that men and women can be just friends after sleeping with each other. Leftover feelings and attraction always get in the way. I assume you slept with him. If not, then maybe I'm wrong. Either way, he seems to be trying to get over you by stopping all communication, maybe you should do the same.
There is a lot of reasons that we would never know unless both party can be really frank and true to each other.
I guess problem could be solved when the real reason is out but I guess not everybody will know the true reason even in this lifetime.
I was in that sort of situation before..but I guess should be worse than you..at least u both still see each other.
The guy might be feeling insecure about the relationship for various reasons
Try Sit down together and talked a bout it if you are really sincered abpout the relationship. I guess that will let you be more clear about the situation.
All the Best To You.
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Thanks for your responses. =] Instead of taking five years to write in this very small comment box, I've moved my responses over to my blog. I hope that's not too strange. I've just never had much patience for this itty bitty box when I'm writing over two replies!
@jasck@xanga - Yes, I am still very happy that although I don't see him much right now (the whole giving him space thing) we live fairly close and I will get to see him at classes over break. I'm waiting to give him some time and see what unfolds, then I want to sit him down face to face - we haven't done that, the last time I asked him about his reasons was via IM then phone - and seriously discuss what went down. I think at least if we clear that out, whether or not we work out, we have a better chance at walking away less wounded. =] Thank you for your well-wishes.
@cyanidebutterfly - All the Best to You and hope you could settled it.
I sure would not want you to be like mt previous situation.
It will turn into Pain if its not settled.
Take Care
It might be hard, but I think you need to let him go. He's basically told you to stay away, and it might be a good idea.PS - Age has nothing to do with the situation, I believe age is nothing but a number.
Awww I hate that feeling
You dont exactly know what's wrong
And all they give you is alibis
Being nice and believing his lies and playing along with it could only last so long
Before you cant help but want to dig deeper for the REAL truth
I though he told you already that you're better off without him. The being a friend thing could be a nice way to say no to you.
Now this sounds fairly close to the situation i was in this past year. Just change up a couple of the details and its me. The thing is you have to really evaluate how deeply your connection with this person was before. If there was something pretty substantial and you feel like there is that thing still between the two of you then i say stick around and show that you're understanding of him. Right now may just be a point in his life where he really needs to evaluate himself. Since he does have alot going on he might want to have his bases covered first before diving into something else. If you stay present and there is still that bit of a connection then he might actually turn around and notice that that is what he needs at some point. It may not be on your timeline but there is the possibility that it will be there at some point. Keep in mind that this only really applies if there is still a thing between the two of you.
If someone breaks things off with you, LET IT GO.
Trust me, this is the best advice you'll ever receive.
Same situation! About the same age too! Im as confused as you, but really what can you do if he doesnt want to talk about it. Guess its better to just forget about this for awhile until he speaks up.