This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I'm in a nearly year-long relationship with a wonderful guy. He's everything I want in a man: thoughtful, respectful, intelligent, funny, caring, loving and more. He treats me like a princess (but not in the "I'm high maintenance" way) and always makes time for me.
I'm the happiest I've ever been with this guy. However, there is one bump in the road: I don't have many close friends, and recently I made good friends with a guy I work with. We get along really well, but we never have time to hang out outside of work because of our schedules.
So we exchange phone calls, chat, get to know each other, and I think I saw him by chance all of one time. I usually spend my week living at home and my weekends with my boyfriend. But my friend, M, I only see at work.
My boyfriend doesn't like M. He thinks he just wants to get into my pants and that I'm being naive about him. M knows I have a boyfriend, and I have no interest in dating him or anything of the sort. In fact, if M calls me while I'm with my boyfriend, my boyfriend gets very hushed and angry.
He says things like, "Why does he have to call you when he knows you're with me?" and other things of the sort. He ends up getting very moody (and jealous, I presume) about it, and it's very hard to decide how to feel about it.
On one hand, my boyfriend is right. I wouldn't like it if girls were calling him on my time with him. On the other hand, I'm right, and I should get to do what I want, when I want, and no one should be in control of that.
I give up my weekends to spend with my boyfriend instead of seeing my one good friend, the only time I can, so shouldn't I get some lenience in a simple phone call?
So... is it alright for someone in a relationship to have a friend of the opposite sex?
Where do you draw the line, in this case, between jealous and controlling?
And lastly, what do you think of the situation?
Comments (105)
What you should do is really sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him and assure him that nothing will happen between you and him. It's true that guys tend to be jealous by nature, so I know where he's coming from. However, he shouldn't have to tell you who you can and cannot see. A relationship is based on trust and if he can't trust you to just hang out with a friend of the opposite sex, he'll need to work on it.
I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex but you have to watch the line. There are certain topics I'd advise staying away from such as relationship issues & crushes. [That just gets messy & personally, I believe whatever's going on with you & your boyfriend -- ie: current argument -- should be left between the two of you.] I also think while you two trust each other, the level of trust isn't as deep as you'd think. Personally, my boyfriend & I have struggled through these discussions & that's what we've come to realize. We both used to be wary when a person of the opposite sex contacted our significant other. It's going to require a lot of communication & a lot of discussions but I think it's definitely do-able & you can move past the jealousy/controlling aspect. There will be that need for reassurance that he/she is the one for you & that you aren't considering others [if you really believe he/she is]. I can't tell you what I think of the situation, only what I've been through.. 'cause every case is different. I wish you the best of luck though! This will be a long road & it won't end with just one discussion. :(
He should be happy that he knows about the guy and that he is calling you. Because as soon as you start hiding the fact that he's calling, that is when you are having an affair, y'know? He should keep educated about the situation and monitor it, but banning it is the worst thing he could do.
Takes a lot of insecurity not to believe you when you say you're just friends with this guy over and over again.
So, your boyfriend will just have to learn to live with it. Either he gets to a place where he's alright with it, that he's secure, or he keeps getting jealous and pissed. Not at all adult, and not very attractive, either. Your guy just needs to learn, or he needs to go back to high school, where such things were commonplace.
Would it be completely horrible if your boyfriend were to meet M? Maybe if he knew him, had met him, something...well, maybe he'd be a little more understanding. Just a thought. I don't know if it would work, but it's worth a try. Good luck!
-Katie
I think it's healthy to have lots of friends of both sexes.
In a growing relationship, controlling and jealous behavior almost always appears, and when it does communication becomes vital. I think you gotta be who you are and do what you want, and the BE just has to find a way to deal with it without messing up the good thing he has going with you.
Yes! It's okay!
If he is SO inCREDIBLY unCOMFORTABLE with your guy friend, maybe he's unsure about how stable your relationship is. In the end, jealousy is just a sign of uncertainty in a guy (or gal). Maybe you just need to reassure him that you're a big girl, you're not going to get taken advantage of, and you really love your boyfriend so dang much that you wouldn't leave him for this guy--or any guy! I bet he just needs to hear that.
Men can be so silly with other guys in their territory... but so can women...
I got over my jealous thing when I realized he wouldn't leave. In the end, I just needed to feel appreciated and reassured. Then the jealousy went away.
For guys it can be different.. more of a protective thing. You should keep reiterating that you're a big girl and can handle yourself. Hopefully that will help!
There are many good points here, my question is what is it that you get from this friend that you can't get from your man? And is that difference significant in your relationship? And maybe just maybe this friend is giving your boyfriend cause to get Jealous. You gotta be careful with some guy friends because sometimes they dont care if you have a man or not. Of course you know how both of these people are so you are the best judge. Take care.
My best friend is a boy and he and my boyfriend get along great.
You should introduce them to each other and maybe they will become friends...
Controlling would be when he begins to forbid you from talking to him, and in some crazy scenario he wants you to get a new job [some people get that crazy jealous]
@izakura@xanga - Great point. Totally forgot to mention that. There are certain people out there that don't care if you have a significant other or not.. they'll still go for it. For them, it's more of a challenge/thrill that way.
In some situations, the jealousy isn't unwarranted. I was like that with a certain girl that was always in my boyfriend's classes. I found her too flirty even though I never met her but from what I heard & stuff. I told him she liked him way before it happened & he told me she knew about the relationship & would never do it. Then what happened? She ended up admitting her feelings for him & that's when he cut it off. I was right but I didn't gloat or hang it over him. I just let him say it & dropped the case. So do be careful of the line & know that some people just don't care.
It's okay to be friends with the opposite sex if that is really what it is going to be, just mutual friendship. Of course your significant other (or you) may get a bit jealous, but if the friendship is really as innocent as you (or you SO) claim it to be, then your SO needs to tone down on his jealousy. Relationships aren't supposed to be about being together all the time and dominating each other's life, but about sharing life together.
a lot of guys (and girls) go through these jealous streaks. your boyfriend may also just be worried about you because he thinks guys are pigs LOL plus, i don't think being jealous is controlling...it's only controlling if he's demanding you cut off all contact, only hang out with him, etc.
you should probably have a calm conversation about it with your boyfriend at a time when it isn't an immediate concern (not when your friend calls!)
good luck!
You need to provide a lot of reassurance. Don't be mean, or annoyed, or accusatory. Be understanding. I know what it's like to be jealous and it's one of the most horrible feelings you can imagine. Tell him how much you love him, EMPHASIZE that you're not attracted in any way to your male friend (it wouldn't hurt to add how much more attractive your boyfriend is in comparison), and then subjectively lay out the cold hard facts: "I'm busy during the week; and I almost always dedicate my entire weekends to you. But I think it benefits both people in a relationship to have other close friends as well." Make it clear that your friend's gender is irrelevant as there's no sexual tension between you two.
Also, I do think it'd be somewhat weird to hang out with your male friend alone, at least at this point, since it sounds like you two weren't good friends long before your boyfriend and you were. Hang out in groups with him and I think that would and SHOULD be perfectly acceptable. Give your boyfriend time to get used to the idea. You do need your freedom and wanted space and if at the end of the day (FIGURATIVELY) he refuses to give it, then you have to seriously tell him to back off or there will be consequences (ie: no more "us"). But it really shouldn't come to that.
I know where he's coming from... I am the same way. It is a jealousy thing, but it's also insecurity (at least in my case). I get that way because I am insecure about myself, not my girlfriend. I know she deserves better then me, and I'm afraid to lose her because I don't think myself as worthy.
I think it depends on if you want to have a grown up relationship or if you would prefer to be selfish. "Doing whatever you want" sounds like something I would say to justify doing something I thought was wrong. Which is fairly often.
I would probably talk to the person I'm dating about it instead of everyone but him. It's okay to be selfish if that's where you are in life, I don't mean it like it's a bad thing. If you want to have guy friends, then have guy friends.
@akatiegirl - Nice, I was going to suggest getting the two boys to meet up as well.
The next time you are going out somewhere with the bf ask M to come out too! Maybe ask a few female friends to come
Sometimes the M needs to meet the bf before he will realize the futility of waiting and possibly trying.
It is also a bit wierd to be in contact with M so much as well. Especially, if you kinda just met him at work and the bf never met him before. Plus, you work with him, meaning you see him every day. The bf would feel a bit threatened in that sense.
i've been there, done that..
and the relationship failed..so get talking with him if you want it to work out :)
I agree that his jealousy is not unwarranted, seeing that you also understand where he's coming from is a good sign. At times you say that his co-worker is a good friend but yet you do not see each other aside from work. That is hard to believe in that, its hard to develop a good friendship from "work topics."
I would think it would take a long time to develop a real close friendship, one in which that if your bf were to control it would be too extreme. But for your situation, I would probably just see your friend at work less. (I don't see how, since you actually don't see him outside of work anyways)
There really is no such thing as doing what you want, when you want it in a relationship. That just isn't true...
It's a tough line to stratal. First and foremost I have to say, never give up a friend for a relationship. You hurt your friends, you isolate yourself, and it doesn't resolve the actual issue at hand. Also, someone who was really really interested in your happiness would never ask you to. Never never never give up friends for your significant other. Never.
That said, you do need to make an effort to be considerate to your boyfriend. Taking it completely out of the relationship scenario, if I were hanging out with my friend and they ended spending a solid portion of our time together on the phone with someone else, I'd be pissed. It's just a rude thing to do and gives the impression that the person your with at the moment is not valued as highly as the person you're on the phone with. If all he has an issue with is you talking on the phone to this other person while the two of you are together, then I would say that is a valid complaint.
If that's not the case, however, and your bf just starts seething if the phone rings and it's the other guy's number then there needs to be some evaluation. A person's jealousy reflects far more on them than it does on you. If he suspects you would cheat on him, then it shows that, at some level, he considers cheating a viable option. If he plays it off like you're just too "naive" or dumb to see what's really going on, that indicates another level of narcissism typical to a controlling personality. The point is, if he trusted you to be completely faithful, and respected you enough to believe you could recognize who is a good person and who is just putting the moves on you, then he really wouldn't have anything to worry about.
i can relate very much..
what you can do sweetie is talk to your guy about this..explain that M and you have nothing romantic going on and he's just a good friend you wouldnt want to lose..simply bcoz M is good..
thats what i did coz my hubbie-then-bf gets jealous of a guy friend..i also asked my hub to give the guy a chance coz theres nothing really to be jealous about..i wanted them to meet but unfortunately my friend is in another country right now..so probably next time..
but the thing is he doesnt get jealous anymore... =)
its okay to have friends of the opposite sex as long as both (all) parties are aware that is strictly platonic; and your significant other is aware of these friendships. if the friend has ulterior motives, or if you're hiding the friendship from the bf, that's when it becomes a problem.
i was in the same situation with a coworker-friend, except my coworker WAS interested in me, and didn't care that i had a boyfriend... and because of that, i stopped talking to him at my bf's request (and i wanted too anyway, cuz the coworker was getting annoyingly persistent).
like everyone else said, it's insecurity on your bf's part.
in general, let's be realistic, and this applies to everyone everywhere: the world is split half and half between guys and girls. it's metaphysically impossible for your so to go through life without talking to the opposite sex (or same sex i suppose, for gay couples). if you can't accept that, you have serious issues to deal with.
I think you guys really need to have a heart to heart conversation about the issue where each of you lays out their concerns and worries. It's possible that work friend of yours only wants to be friends and therefore you boyfriend shouldn't worry at all. However, as some others have expressed, some guys don't care if you have a significant other and will try to get close to a girl regardless of their relationship status.
Honestly, as long as you keep the lines of communication between you and your boyfriend open and you provide consistent reassurance to him, then he might relax more about it. While you should have a life outside of your relationship, you can't just have an attitude of "I should get to do what I want, when I want, and no one should be in control of that." A relationship is a compromise between two people and you should respect the feelings of your partner as well.
I think your boyfriend might worry that your friend M might have less than ideal intentions, and might purposely create tension between the you and your boyfriend in order to be the "shoulder to cry on." M might have even started telling you that your boyfriend has no right to control your life and that you deserve better than that, etc. This is just a possible scenario amongst many. In the end, it sounds like it'll just take open communication and reassurance on your part to help your boyfriend come to terms with the current situation. However, if you do detect that M has more than "friend" intentions, you may want to rethink your friendship with M and re-evaluate the basis for the friendship.
I think the idea that azn_chick26@xanga brought up wasn't a bad idea, but be prepared for anything to happen. If your boyfriend detects that M is inappropriately flirty, be prepared for some fireworks. Good luck!
The way I see it, your friend, M has some intention of courting you. I don't even talk with my best guy friend that much, and we've been friends for years, way before my boyfriend showed up in my life. I work a lot too, so I only get to see my bf on the weekend, and I dedicate all of my time to him. I don't pick up anyone's phone calls (except for my family members) whenever I'm out with him, that's how much I love and respect him. If my best guy friend happens to call in, I'll return his call the next day, there's no use of picking up a conversation in the middle of my hang out time w/ my bf.
I can see why your bf is jealous/mad about the situation, he'd be unreasonable if you two have been friends since forever, like in my case, but you only met this person at work and instantly "clicked"..I'm sure your friend, M, knows that you guys "clicked" in a romantic way, rather than in the friendship way, that's why he's constantly talking to you, no grown men spend that much time talking about work, and/or other stuff if they don't have interest in you. Besides, I don't see why you have to see your friend that much, like on a weekly basis if you already see each other at work. I mean, you could always catch lunch with each other once or twice a week, right?
My advice is, limit your time with M if you think your relationship with your bf is worth investing, because believe me, a good guy is very hard to find. It could be that M likes the thrill of challenges, hence, he's constantly pursuing you in a low profile way..you're in the situation, it's hard for you to recognize the problem, we, as the outsiders, can see very clearly that your friendship with M is not innocent as you think. Your bf is not controlling, it's natural for someone to think like that. You would be too if your bf is doing the same thing with his good female friend.
I agree with basically what everyone has said so far in this, but I'd like to extend another piece of advice your way. Keep in check how you feel about M and your boyfriend. If the idea of you and M having anything is truly preposterous, then your boyfriend should trust you. But if you have any ounce of guilt while talking to your boyfriend about M, or perhaps when he calls while you're with your boyfriend, you need to be careful. Guilt, though you may not realize it at the time, may indicate that you recognize a possibility in this guy, as well, and though an affair may not be happening at the time, it is at risk of developing. I can understand where your bf is coming from, honestly; I'm incredibly jealous sometimes around my husband, especially since he works with mostly girls. They've flirted with him in front of me before (before he introduced me as his wife), which made me very uncomfortable, but I trust my husband - and they also never call him or hang out with him outside of work. Just make sure you aren't putting yourself into a bad position.