This is a guest blog submitted by ackfull.I'm an unmarried, very devout Catholic in a long-time serious relationship. For me, The Ultimate Rule is NO SEX. Ever. At least until after marriage.
I know the reasons, circumstances, consequences, just about everything that keeps me determined to stick to that rule. However, guys are a different story. Of course, many people say that not all men want just sex. I don't believe that.
Players, ladies' men, and man whores are self-explanatory. Then there are the few men who are genuinely kind (and whom I deeply appreciate). But even if they're not philanderers, they still want sex with their one true love. Nice guys don't force it on their woman, of course not! But I'm sure, for those of you girls with nice guys, they still let you know how much they really want you.
In all honesty, men use love for sex, and women use sex for love (you know, "if you love me you'll have sex with me" and/or "if you want to have sex with me you must love me").
For most people, it's just a matter of time, isn't it? The way our parents and elders teach us, the only right time is after marriage. My friend and I understand that. But it just doesn't help that sometimes we want it. And our boyfriends respect our decisions, but hormones just get don't cooperate either.
This past Friday, my SO and I were chatting in the backseat of a friend's car. One thing led to another, and if a friend hadn't interrupted to get his phone from me, the deed would've been done.
How would you keep your SO in line? Would it be better for no private time so that there's also no temptation?
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Comments (251)
I'm not a devout Catholic at all that follows that mantra. (In fact I'm pagan, but that's beside the point.) I don't think that all women use sex for love. I can't speak for the male perspective since I'm not male, but I know I've had some casual sexual encounters that were just that. In fact I'm still good friends with a few of those people.
Though I think that if this were something I strongly believed, I'd sit my SO down and explain, point by point that this is very important to me, that I don't want to have sex, that he'll have to respect that. That may not work - but again it's not a situation that I'm in.
The problem with no sex until marriage is that when this was first established, people married much much younger, thus the problem of horomones is not as pronounced as much as it is now.
I'm not a virgin, but when I was in high school, I was not ready for sex. We were in my boyfriends bedroom (bad idea probably) and he went as far as taking out a condom getting ready to unwrap it. I freaked out, grabbed it from him and said no. That moment was awkward...but the bottom line is letting him know how important no sex to you is. And that you really need his help.
Along with your own self control, you need his too. We're all human, and there times when it seems impossible not to give into temptation. But if you have his support and acknowledgement, maybe when you are most vulenerable, he can step in and say 'Baby, this might not be a good idea.'
This mutual respect I think is a very important factor in a successful relationship.
Good luck!
-BB
Read Meet Mr Smith.
By the way, all the answers are found in the Bible....regardless of who you are and what religion you practice (if any). The "why's" and "what for's" are there.
I found myself in this dilemma:
No sex until marriage or No being catholic until marriage? Guess my choice...
As a Christian man who has fallen into the temptation many many times, I would say that no private time would be a good thing- but it is unrealistic. That would drive you and your significant other up the wall quicker than those hormones will.
My suggestion:
Just get married. What's holding you back? In the Bible, Paul says that it is better for a man and a woman to just get married than to burn in desire for one another. It is safer. Just get married.
I don't know, but that Sonic the Hedgehog picture is PRICELESS.
@vitality31@xanga - Actually, no, they are not. But thanks for playing.
As for the poster, well, it all comes down to YOUR personal control, moreso than his. You need to set the boundaries and make sure YOU stick to them. No matter what happens. If you don't, don't hold against him or anyone else but yourself. Nothing's pulling the strings, it's all on you when it comes to what YOU do with YOUR body.
As for him, if he loves you, he'll understand and just fap off in a garage somewhere to Hustler mags until that glorious day of whites and roses. Sincerely put, he will wait and give you space.
But, denying yourselves the intimacy that accompanies your relationship (like alone time in the house with a movie, et al) would ruin your relationship as most (if not all) monogomous relationships NEED that intimacy. This doesn't mean screw the guy right off the bat. But wait for it. Whether it comes now, or during the Honeymoon, work towards making it special when it is time.
Just, remember that if it happens, it happens. If you feel bad, then that's your damn fault for not sticking to your beliefs. Unless it's rape. In which case, have his ass arrested.
Boundaries girl. Boundaries.
Not devout anything and just keeping yourself in check should do the trick.
It's hard but it is like keeping your promises. If you can't even keep ones for yourself...(you should be able to figure out the rest)
@jmallory@xanga - You're a dick. Telling someone to just get married so they can have sex is like telling a junkie to take some pills to take the edge off. It. Does. Nothing. What if they don't really love each other as strongly or aren't ready for the heavy commitment of marriage? That's the WORST suggestion I've ever read and I'm appalled you would suggest that.
While sex DOES come with severe emotional strings, marriage involves money, time, and a lot MORE stress and emotions than the act of sex can EVER carry. So while sex is basically a bond between two people, marriage is far more consuming and some people just aren't at that point in their relationship.
What an AWFUL suggestion.
@vitality31@xanga - I'm not going to lie, that didn't make any sense. All the answers are in the Bible no matter what religion you practice? I could just as easily say that all the answer are in the Poetic Edda (Norse) and the Book of the Dead(Egyptian), no matter what religion you practice. Doesn't that come off as a)rude and b)close minded?
PS. The reason I chose those two texts is because that's where my pantheon lies. Somewhere between Norse and Egyptian.
I respect those of you that have such strong convictions about what is right and wrong in your life, but we can't possibly assume that that's right for everyone.
Not all men are looking for sex before marriage. Some of us are willing to wait. And if the guy isn't, he's not worth the time and effort, move on to someone who respects you.
You can't have NO private time, you just need to both be aware of the boundaries. I've found (and I thank G/god for this) if a guy is really, truly worth your love, he will always support your beliefs on this. I even got lucky and caught a guy who can read my emotional/physical struggles on a deeper level than myself.
If you both know what you want, and you both are alright with that, then you're just going to have to stick it out to it's inevitable end (marriage/break up). That private time is valuable. Just BEING with your SO is important to a healthy relationship.
I don't really know how devout of a catholic you are or even if that's the only thing you found your beliefs on... but there are almost equally fulfilling things you can do with your guy that ISN'T sex. I would offer suggestions, but you should look around for some yourself and base them off of the boundaries that you have.
Good luck, though! And whatever you do, don't regret it if it happens--take it in stride.
@Schristian@xanga - lol ok... I can see your points. I forget that that was written in a time where people didn't marry out of love. But judging from her post, I am assuming that they do love each other. But you also don't share the same worldview as me. You kind of can't tell me I'm wrong for practicing my beliefs.
@jmallory@xanga - wouldn't' that be getting married for the wrong reasons?
Yes, that may be something they want but if they haven't done by now that means they aren't ready for it. Jumping to a hasty marriage may not solve their "desire" problem but create more. The best solution would be talk it over with your partner about your desire to wait. If he respects your wishes, then its just an exercise of mind over body (IT IS POSSIBLE IF THE PERSON IS SO INCLINE). If he doesn't and tries to bombard you with that lame "if you love me, you'll have sex with me" routine, then he's not worth worrying about.
Now to calm those "urges" down, the reason question should be what is your Catholic intake on masturbation (not only on yourself but towards each other)?
Draw your lines.
I think the boundries you set are important. If you set out from the beginning to not put yourself in a postion that you won't get in trouble TYPICALLY you don't. I'm all about waiting, but I am aware of the fact that opportunity breeds opportunity.
I so wanted to wait for marriage, just as you do. It was so easy for me to tell guys no, too. Until I met a certain guy. He never pressured me and even wanted to wait too, but just as you put it, he still let me know that he really wanted me- in a flattering sort of way (guys just can't help themselves). We were both completely innocent and falling head over heels in love with one another. We should have just got married and been smart about things..ha. Instead I ended up pregnant the first time we were ever intimate. We still got married and we are incredbily happy, but we had quite a load to bare and I was plauged with guilt for the longest time. The Bible says to not awaken love before its time. It warns against this for good reason. Don't date until you are ready for marriage. If you are ready, date (with discretion ofcourse). When you find yourself in love and unable to control yourself, just get married! It's the only way, really. Otherwise, you are only human and will end up falling into temptation. Waiting would be really worth it, trust me. Sex is good, as God intended, but its not something that is so urgent you can't wait a little while. Trust me, you will be glad if you do. My husband and I are so blessed that our story has a happy ending. Most stories where virginities are given up or babies are made out of wedlock end up with a not- so great ending. If you are unable to control yourself and aren't ready to get married, ending the relationship is pretty much the only sure fire thing that can help you keep your virginity. Think about it... it makes sense.
@Girl_Without_Pity@xanga - It isn't getting married for the wrong reasons. I am assuming they love each other... but remember, in some cultures, getting married out of love is getting married for the wrong reasons. You just have to keep an open mind about it.
@jmallory@xanga - @Girl_Without_Pity@xanga -
I wish I could remember what TV show it was. There was a show I watched years ago where there was a devout Catholic man who shared the same conviction of this blogger: no sex before marriage. So they decided to get married, got engaged, set a date, all that. They had sex like a week before and afterwards decided that the only reason they had decided to get married was to have sex, and that that was stupid.
I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong, I was just reminded, and thought it was relevant.
@baranorewen@xanga - Well, I am also judging off my experience. I believe you can be happy with anyone you are with. I believe you can love anyone you are with. It is all about determination and work though. My ex and I had trouble with this. We both wanted to save sex for marriage but realized that we wanted each other so bad. We said we should just get married. Of course we really loved each other. We ended up braking up... but only because of the whole "saving sex for marriage" thing. I didn't want to get married because I didn't think that I could get married for various reasons... looking back on it, I probably should have.
I would wait if I were your SO. But it seemed you wanted it too and I would want you to have fun. So sheesh! I think our brain can say WAIT, but when our bodies start reacting to stimuli then nature is stronger, like water just flows where it flows. Now my brain is like thinking, "can't we just say some hail Mary's afterwards?" Stop! Wait! You waited this long already, just do what's right for you. Don't worry about controlling the SO, you gotta control yourself. But If it happens, then it happens. You are still you. I don't think anyone ought to think less of you for being you.
@jmallory@xanga - I'm already assuming that they love each other since that's why I believe she's so torn between wanting to give in yet wanting to keep to her principles. But, like i said, if they wanted to get married, they would have done so already.
@baranorewen@xanga - thank you for the reference. It does sound familiar to me yet for me as well the TV show's name escapes me at the moment....or perhaps I read the situation in some modern literature I picked up.
As another posted, the "waiting until marriage" was supposed long ago, when people barely waited until they were 16 to be wed. Their raging hormones and sexual tension didn't have a chance to build up like yours have.
My honest opinion is... it WON'T kill you to have sex, and I don't think it is lustful to want to have sex with the one you love.
Don't get married just to have sex, but I think you need to come to a point in your religious self to admit that maybe it's not realistic or fair to keep this kind of long-ago made promise to your body. God will always forgive you, and love you. You would know that, being a devout Christian. I wish you the best.
And I honestly hope you have sex >.>;; lol
@Girl_Without_Pity@xanga - I don't really agree with that. There could be so much there stopping them from getting married. For instance, they might not think they are ready because they could be in school- live in different cities, etc... there could be many things keeping them from getting married, however... if she really wants to keep her Christian principles, then I say go the Christian route. The bible says to marry if you burn in lust for each other... It is better that way.